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    Script Saison 1 Episode 23

Générique

Titre US : The One With The Birth
Titre FR : Celui qui a failli rater líaccouchement

Écrit par Marta Kauffman et David Crane
Réalisé par James Burrows
Transcrit par Eric Aasen

Fiche dťtaillťe et photos - Titres Saison 1 - Résumé de l'épisode - Script en français

Script V.O.

[Scene: The hospital. Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, and Monica are in the waiting room, waiting for Carol and Susan to arrive.]

Ross : Sheís not here yet. Sheís not here. Sheís having my baby and sheís not here.

Monica : Iím sure everythingís fine. Has her water broke yet?

Ross : I donít know, but when I spoke to her, she said she had already passed the mucus plug.

[Joey makes a sound of absolute disgust.]

Joey : Do we have to know about that?

Monica : Joey, what are you gonna do when you have a baby?

Joey : Iím gonna be in the waitiní room, handing out cigars.

Chandler : Yes, Joeyís made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the 50ís.

Ross : God, I donít believe this. She could be giving birth in the cab.

Rachel : Oh, Ross, relax. Itís probably like two dollars for the first contraction, and then fifty cents for each additional contraction.

[Everyone looks at Rachel as though she made a tasteless comment.]

Rachel : What, itís ok when Chandler does it?

Chandler : You have to pick your moments.

[Phoebe arrives, guitar in hand.]

Phoebe : Did I miss it, did I miss it?

Ross : Sheís not even here yet.

Monica : Whatís with the guitar?

Phoebe : I just thought we might be here for awhile. You know, things might get musical.

[Carol and Susan arrive.]

Ross : [to Carol] Where the hell have you been?

Susan : We stopped at the gift shop.

Carol : I was looking at stuffed animals, and Susan wanted a Chunky.

Ross : Susan wanted a Chunky. Weíre having a baby, ok, a baby, you donít stop for Chunkys.

Chandler : I used to have that bumper sticker.

[Everyone is amused by Chandlerís comment.]

Chandler : [to Rachel] You see what I mean.

Opening Credits

[Scene: Inside the hospital room. Carol is on the bed, Ross and Susan are at her side.]

Ross : Stopped for a Chunky.

Carol : Let it go, Ross.

Susan : I got an extra one. You want this? [holds the candy in front of Rossí face]

Ross : [weakly] No.

[Carolís doctor, Dr. Franzblau arrives.]

Dr. Franzblau : Hey, howís my favorite parenting team doing?

Ross : Dr. Franzblau, hi.

Dr. Franzblau : So, I understand youíre thinking of having a baby? Well, I see youíre nine months pregnant. Thatís a good start. How you doing with your contractions?

Carol : Oh, I love them. Each oneís like a little party in my uterus.

Susan : Theyíre every four minutes and last 55 seconds.

Ross : 59 seconds. [holds up his watch] Quartz, ha.

Susan : Swiss quartz, ha, ha.

Carol : Am I allowed to drink anything?

Dr. Franzblau : Ice chips, just ice chips. Theyíre at the nursesí station.

Ross : Iíll get it.

Susan : No, Iím getting it. Iíll be right back.

Ross : I got it--Iím getting it!

[They both leave just as Rachel enters the room, holding a cup.]

Rachel : Hi, I thought you might like some ice chips.

Carol : Thanks.

Rachel : And if you need anything else, I--[notices the handsome Dr. Franzblau]--do not believe weíve met. Hi. Iím, uh, Rachel Green. Iím Carolís... ex-husbandís... sisterís roommate.

Dr. Franzblau : It is nice to meet you. Iím Dr. Franzblau. Iím your roommateís... brotherís... ex-wifeís obstetrician.

Rachel : Oh, thatís funny!

[Scene: Back in the waiting room. Chandler is falling asleep on Monicaís shoulder.]

Monica : I want a baby.

Chandler : Mmmm. Not tonight, honey. I got an early day tomorrow.

Monica : Get up. Come on. Letís get some coffee.

Chandler : Oh, ok, ícause we never do that.

[Chandler and Monica leave. Cut to Joey, watching the Knicks/Celtics game on television.]

Joey : [to the screen] Shoot! Shoot! Shoot! Shoot, or just fall down. Thatís good too.

[A young pregnant woman (LYDIA) enters.]

Lydia : Knick fan?

Joey : Oh, yeah.

Lydia : Oh, boy, do they suck.

Joey : Hey, listen, lady....[sees that sheís pregnant]...whoa.

Lydia : Look, look at your man, Ewing. Nice shot. You know what, he couldnít hit water if he was standing on a boat.

Joey : Oh yeah? And who do you like?

Lydia : The Celtics.

Joey : The Celtics? Ha. They couldnít hit a boat if...wait. They suck, alright?

Lydia : Oh, shut up. You know, itís a rebuilding year. You... waah!

Joey : Wha? Wha..aa? Let me get the father. Hey, we need a father over here! We need a father!

Lydia : There is no father.

Joey : Oh, oh, oh, sorry.

Lydia : Ok, thatís ok. Iím fine. Iím... oh!

Joey : Oh, uh, ok. Right this way. All the other pregnant women seem to be goiní in here.

Lydia : Ok.

[Joey accompanies Lydia to a hospital room.]

[Scene: The waiting room. Phoebe is playing a song. Chandler, Monica, and Ross are there as well.]

Phoebe : (singing) Theyíre tiny and chubby and so sweet to touch, and soon theyíll grow up and resent you so much. Now theyíre yelling at you and you donít know why, you cry and you cry and you cry. And you cry and you cry and you cry...

[Ross gives Phoebe a dollar.]

Phoebe : Thanks, Ross.

Ross : Yeah. Iím paying you to stop.

Phoebe : Ok.

[A woman passes by, carrying newborn twins.]

Phoebe : Oh, look, twins. Hi, guys. Oh, cute, cute.

Monica : No fair. I donít even have one. How come they get two?

Chandler : Youíll get one.

Monica : Oh yeah? When?

Chandler : All right. Iíll tell you what. When weíre 40, if neither one of us are married, what do you say you and I get together and have one?

Monica : Why wonít I be married when Iím 40?

Chandler : Oh, no, no. I just meant hypothetically.

Monica : Ok, hypothetically, why wonít I be married when Iím 40?

Chandler : No, no, no.

Monica : What is it? Is there something fundamentally unmarriable about me?

Chandler : [trapped] Uh, uh.

Monica : Well?

Chandler : Dear God! This parachute is a knapsack! [throws himself over the back of the chair he was sitting in]

[Rachel enters, in a formal dress.]

Rachel : Hey.

Phoebe : Hey. Ooh, look at you, dressy-dress.

Monica : Did you go home and change?

Rachel : Yeah, well, itís an important day. I wanna look nice. Um, has uh Dr. Franzblau been by?

Monica : No, I havenít seen him.

Rachel : Well, where is he? He is supposed to be here. What if the baby needs him?

Chandler : Rachel, what is the deal with you and doctors, anyway? Was, like, your father a doctor?

Rachel : Yeah, why?

Chandler : No reason. [turns around, makes an íOh my Godí gesture with his eyes]

[Scene: Joey and Lydia in the hospital room. Lydia is on the phone with her mother.]

Lydia : Mom, weíve been through this. No, Iím not calling him. I donít care if it is his kid, the guyís a jerk. No, Iím not alone. Joeyís here. [pause] What do you mean, Joey who? [covers the phone, to Joey] Joey who?

Joey : Tribbiani.

Lydia : Joey Tribbiani. Yes, ok. Hold on. [to Joey] She wants to talk to you. Take the phone.

Joey : [takes phone] Hi, yeah, itís me. Oh, no no no, weíre just friends. [pause] Yeah, Iím single. [pause] 25. An actor. [pause] Hello?

Lydia : Sheís not much of a phone person.

Joey : Yeah, so, uh, so, uh, whatís the deal with this father guy, I mean, if someone was haviní my baby somewhere, Iíd wanna know about it, you know?

Lydia : Hey, Knick fan, am I interested in your views on fatherhood? Uh, no.

Joey : Ok, look, maybe I should just go.

Lydia : Maybe you should.

Joey : Good luck, and uh, take care, huh?

[He leaves, but then returns a moment later.]

Joey : You know what the Celtics problem is? They let the players run the team.

Lydia : Oh, that is so not true.

Joey : Oh, it is.

Lydia : It isnít.

Joey : It is.

Lydia : Isnít!

[Scene: Ross, Susan, and Carol in the hospital room. Ross and Susan are both coaching Carol.]

Ross : Breathe.

Susan : Breathe.

Ross : Breathe.

Susan : Breathe.

Ross : Breathe.

Susan : Breathe.

Carol : Youíre gonna kill me!

Ross : 15 more seconds, 14, 13, 12...

Carol : Count faster.

Susan : Itís gonna be ok, just remember, weíre doing this for Jordie. Just keep focusing on Jordie.

Ross : Who the hell is Jordie?

Susan : Your son.

Ross : No no no. I donít have a son named Jordie. We all agreed, my sonís name is Jamie.

Carol : Well, Jamie was the name of Susanís first girlfriend, so we went back to Jordie.

Ross : What? Whoa, whoa whoa whoa, what do you mean, back to Jordie? We never landed on Jordie. We just passed by it during the whole Jessy, Cody, Dylan fiasco.

Carol : Ow, ow, ow, ow, leg cramp, leg cramp, leg cramp.

Ross : I got it.

Susan : I got it.

Ross : I got it! Hey, you get to sleep with her, I get the cramps.

Susan : No, you donít.

Carol : All right, thatís it. I want both of you out.

Ross : Why?

Susan : He started it!

Ross : No, you started it.

Susan : You did!

Carol : I donít care. I am trying to get a person out of my body here, and youíre not making it any easier.

Ross : But--

Carol : Now go!

Ross : [to Susan] Thanks a lot.

Susan : [to Ross] See what you did.

Ross : [to Carol] Yeah, listen--

Carol : OUT!

[Ross and Susan both angrily leave the hopsital room.]

[Scene: Joey is helping Lydia go through labor, a nurse is now present in her room as well.]

Nurse : Breathe, breathe, breathe...

Lydia : Oh, no.

[Joey looks down at Lydia.]

Joey : Ew! What is that? Something exploded!

Nurse : Itís just her water breaking. Calm down, will you?

Joey : [panicked] Water breaking, what do you mean? Whatís that, water breaking?

Nurse : [to Joey] Breathe, breathe, breathe.

[Scene: Out in the hall. Ross and Susan are arguing.]

Ross : Please. This is so your fault.

Susan : How, how is this my fault?

Ross : Look, Carol never threw me out of a room before you came along.

Susan : Yeah? Well, thereís a lot of things Carol never did before I came along.

Ross : You tryiní to be clever? A funny lady?

Susan : You know what your problem is? Youíre threatened by me.

Ross : Oh, Iím threatened by you?

Susan : Yes.

[Phoebe has heard them arguing and comes down the hall, taking them into a broom closet.]

Phoebe : Hey, hey, ok, all right, thatís it! Get in here. Come on. My god, you guys, I donít believe you. There are children coming into the world in this very building and your negative fighting noises are not the first thing they should be hearing. So just stop all the yelling, just stop it!

Ross : Yeah, Susan.

Phoebe : Donít make me do this again, I donít like my voice like this.

[Phoebe goes to leave the room, but the door is locked.]

Phoebe : Ok, who wants to hear something ironic?

Commercial Break

[Scene: The broom closet. Ross and Susan are trying to get out.]

All : Help!

Ross : Iím having a baby in here! Ok, everyone stand back. [walks backwards as if he is going to break down the door, but steps in a bucket and falls] Ow.

[Scene: Carolís room. Rachel and Dr. Franzblau are there with her.]

Carol : Are they here yet?

Rachel : No, honey, theyíre not, but donít worry, because we are going to find them, and until we do, we are all here for you, ok?

Carol : Ok.

Rachel : Ok?

Carol : Ok.

Rachel : [to Dr. Franzblau] Ok, so anyway, you were telling me about Paris, it sounds fascinating.

Dr. Franzblau : It really was. There was this great little pastry shop right by my hotel. [Carol sits up in pain, Rachel and Dr. Franzblau casually lay her back down] There you go, dear.

[Scene: Lydiaís room. Joey is helping her deliver.]

Joey : Come on, Lydia, you can do it. Push! Push íem out, push íem out, harder, harder. Push íem out, push íem out, way out! Letís get that ball and really move, hey, hey, ho, ho. Letís-- [notices the nurse looking at him strangely] I was just--yeah, right. Push! Push!

[Scene: The broom closet. Ross has picked up a vacuum and is holding it at the door.]

Susan : Whatíre you gonna do, suck the door open?

Ross : Help! Help!

Phoebe : (singing) They found their bodies the very next day, they found their bodies the very next...[sees Ross and Susan staring at her] la la la la la la.

Susan/Ross : [even louder] Help!

[Scene: The waiting room. Monica is on the phone with her mother, Chandler is standing behind her.]

Monica : Now, Mom, everythingís going fine, really. Yeah, Ross is great. Heís uh, heís in a whole other place. No, heís gone. No no, you donít have to fly back, really. What do you mean this might be your only chance? Would you stop? Iím only 26, Iím not even thinking about babies yet.

[Monica sees a woman pass by with a baby, puts the phone to her chest, and starts to cry. Chandler takes the phone, makes a noise in it resembling static, and hangs up. Joey enters.]

Chandler : Where have you been?

Joey : Oh, just had a baby.

Chandler : Mazel tov!

[Scene: Rachel and Dr. Franzblau have gone to get coffee.]

Dr. Franzblau : I donít know, could be an hour, could be three, but relax, sheís doing great. So, uh, tell me, are you currently involved with anyone?

Rachel : [anxiously] No, no, not at the moment, no, Iím not. Are you?

Dr. Franzblau : No, itís hard enough to get women to go out with me.

Rachel : Right, yeah, Iíve heard that about cute doctors.

Dr. Franzblau : No, no, really. I suppose itís because I spend so much time, you know, where I do.

Rachel : Oh.

Dr. Franzblau : I try not to let my work affect my personal life, but itís hard, when you... do what I do. Itís like uh...Well, for instance, what do you do?

Rachel : Iím a waitress.

Dr. Franzblau : Ok, all right, well arenít there times when you come home at the end of the day, and youíre just like, íif I see one more cup of coffeeí...

Rachel : [getting the point] Yeah. Gotcha.

Dr. Franzblau : Iím gonna go check up on your friend.

Rachel : Ok. Thatís fine. [takes her earrings out]

[Scene: Joey is walking up to Lydiaís room with balloons, but before he enters he sees that the babyís father (GUY) has arrived. He listens at the door.]

Lydia : So how did you know I was even here?

Guy : Your mom called me. So is this her?

Lydia : No, this is a loaner.

Guy : Iím sorry you had to do this by yourself.

Lydia : I wasnít by myself. I had a doctor, a nurse, and a helper guy. [Joey smiles] So, did you see who won the game?

Guy : Yeah, the Knicks by 10. They suck.

Lydia : Yeah, theyíre not so bad.

[Joey closes the door and ties the balloons to the knob. Then he walks away, holding the hand of an inflated balloon animal he had brought.]

[Scene: The broom closet. Ross is trying to open the door with a credit card, with no success.]

Ross : Come on, come on. Damnit, damnit, damnit, damnit. [to Susan] This is all your fault. This is supposed to be, like, the greatest day of my life, yíknow? My son is being born, and I should be in there, you know, instead of stuck in a closet with you.

Susan : The woman I love is having a baby today. Iíve been waiting for this just as much as you have.

Ross : No no no, believe me. No one has been waiting for this as much as I have, ok? And you know what the funny thing is? When this day is over, you get to go home with the baby, ok? Where does that leave me?

Susan : You get to be the babyís father. Everyone knows who you are. Who am I? Thereís Motherís Day, thereís Fatherís Day, thereís no... Lesbian Lover Day.

Ross : Every day is Lesbian Lover Day.

Phoebe : This is so great.

Ross : You wanna explain that?

Phoebe : I mean, well, ícause when I was growing up, you know my dad left, and my mother died, and my stepfather went to jail, so I barely had enough pieces of parents to make one whole one. And hereís this little baby who has like three whole parents who care about it so much that theyíre fighting over who gets to love it the most. And itís not even born yet. Itís just, itís just the luckiest baby in the whole world. [pause] Iím sorry, you were fighting.

[Scene: Carolís room. She is ready to give birth. Everyone is there except for Phoebe, Ross, and Susan, who are in the broom closet.]

Carol : Where are they?

Monica : Iím sure theyíll be here soon.

Rachel : Yeah, honey, they wouldnít miss this.

Joey : Relax. Youíre only at nine centimeters. And the babyís at zero station.

Chandler : [to Joey] You are really frightening me.

[Carol suddenly screams in pain and grabs Chandler by the shirt.]

Chandler : Somebody wanna help me, tryiní to rip out my heart. [they pull her hand off of him] Uh, thatís great. [looking around] Anybody seen a nipple?

Dr. Franzblau : All right, ten centimeters, here we go.

Nurse : All right, honey, time to start pushing.

Carol : But theyíre not here yet!

Dr. Franzblau : Iím sorry, I canít tell the baby to wait for them.

Carol : Oh, god.

[Scene: The broom closet. Ross has used a broom to open the air vent in the ceiling. Phoebe is wearing a janitorís uniform, ready to go up in the vent.]

Ross : Ok, got the vent open.

Phoebe : [reading the nametag on the uniform] Hi, Iím Ben. Iím hospital worker Ben. Itís Ben... to the rescue!

Ross : Ben, you ready? All right, gimme your foot. Ok, on three, Ben. One, two, three. Ok, Thatís it, Ben.

[Ross and Susan lift Phoebe up into the vent.]

Susan : What do you see?

Phoebe : Well, Susan, I see what appears to be a dark vent. Wait. Yes, it is in fact a dark vent.

[A janitor opens the closet door from the outside.]

Ross : Phoebs, Itís open! Itís open!

[Ross and Susan run to the delivery room, leaving Phoebe dangling from the vent.]

Janitor : [to Ross and Susan] Wait! You forgot your legs!

[Scene: Carolís room. Ross and Susan rush in.]

All : Push, push!

Ross : Weíre here!

Carol : [irked] Where have you been?

Ross : Long story, honey.

Dr. Franzblau : All right, Carol, I need you to keep pushing. I need--[reaches for an instrument, Rachelís hand is on it] Excuse me, could I have this?

Nurse : All right, all right, thereís a few too many people in this room, and thereís about to be one more, so anybody whoís not an ex-husband or a lesbian life partner, out you go!

All : Good luck!

[Everyone heads for the door.]

Chandler : [to nurse] Let me ask you, do you have to be Carolís lesbian life partner?

Nurse : Out!

Dr. Franzblau : All right, heís crowning. Here he comes.

Ross : Let me see, I gotta see, I gotta see. Oh, a head. Oh, itís, itís huge. Carol, how are you doing this?

Carol : [straining] Not.... helping!

Dr. Franzblau : Youíre doing great, youíre doing fine.

Ross : [puts his head near the baby] Hello! [to Dr. Franzblau] Oh, sorry.

Susan : What do you see? What do you see?

Ross : We got a head, we got shoulders, we got arms, we got, oh, look at the little fingers, oh, and a chest, and a stomach. Itís a boy, definitely a boy! All right! Ok, legs, knees, and feet. Oh, oh. Heís here. Heís a person.

Susan : Oh, look at that.

Carol : What does he look like?

Ross : Kinda like my uncle Ed, covered in Jello.

Carol : Really?

Phoebe : You guys, heís beautiful!

Ross : Oh, thanks, Pheebs!

[They look up towards the vent and wave at Phoebe.]

[Scene: The delivery room. Carol is holding the infant.]

Susan : No shouting, but we still need a name for this little guy.

Ross : [thinking] How íbout Ben?

Susan : I like Ben.

Carol : Ben. Ben. Benís good. How come you never mentioned Ben before?

Ross : We uh, we just cooked it up.

Susan : Thatís what we were off doing.

[Monica opens the door.]

Monica : Hi.

Ross : Hey.

Monica : Can we come in?

[The whole gang enters.]

Ross : [to Ben] I know, I know. Everybody, thereís someone Iíd like you to meet. Yeah. This is Ben. Ben, this is everybody.

Phoebe : Susan, he looks just like you.

Susan : Thanks.

Rachel : Oh, god, I canít believe one of us actually has one of these.

Chandler : I know, I still am one of these.

Monica : Ross, can I?

[Monica holds Ben.]

Ross : The head, the head. You gotta...

Monica : [getting choked up] Hi, Ben. Hi. Iím your Aunt Monica. Yes I am. Iím your Aunt Monica. I...I will always have gum.

Closing Credits

[The camera is placed as though it were Benís eyes.] Ross : Ben, I want you to know that there may be some times when I may not be around, like this. [walks out of the picture] But Iíll still always come back, like this. [returns] And sometimes I may be away longer, like this. [walks away] But Iíll still always come back, like this. [returns]

[Chandler comes into the picture.]

Chandler : And sometimes, Iíll want you to steal third, and Iíll go like this.

[The rest of the group come into the picture.]

Monica : He is so amazing.

Rachel : Oh, I know. Look at him.

Joey : Ben, Ben, hey Ben. Nothing. I donít think thatís his name.

Phoebe : Oh, look, look, heís closing his eyes. [screen goes blank] Look, heís opening his eyes. [picture comes back]

Joey : He doesnít do much, does he?

Ross : No, this is pretty much it.

[long moment of silence]

Rachel : You guys wanna get some coffee?

All : Yeah.

Ross : All right, Iíll see you guys later.

[They all leave but Ross, but they all come back a few seconds later. They make faces at the baby.]

Phoebe : Oh, look, heís closing his eyes again.

END

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