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|Script Saison 10 Episode 6|
Titre US : The One With Ross' Grant
Titre FR : Celui qui a failli avoir la subvention
Écrit par Sebastian Jones
Réalisé par Ben Weiss
Transcrit par Coffee Mug , Eleonora et Vanessa
Traduit par Guillaume Martin
Phoebe: (she enters) Hey...
Ross: Pheebs, whatís wrong?
Phoebe: Oh, Iím just so exhausted from dragging around this... (she shows her ring) HUGE engagement ring!
Rachel: My God!
Rachel: Congratulations! Wow!!
Ross: So, did he get on one knee, did he have a speech prepared, or (in a tender way) did he cry? (the guys look at him) Yeah, big surprise, I like proposals!
Phoebe: Well, it was really sweet, and like the most romantic thing ever.
Joey: Well, hey! Well... (he takes his mug to toast Phoebe) Hereís to Phoebe, whoís found the greatest guy in the world! To Phoebe and... (a bit uncertain) I wanna say Mike? (pause) To Phoebe and Mike!
Phoebe: Thank you! (to Rachel) Oh, and I have something for you!
Phoebe: Itís, yes, my little black book. Itís got the numbers of all the guys Iíve dated.
Rachel: Oh, Pheebs, baby, thatís nice but, you know what, I think Iím ok. Why donít you give it to one of your other single girlfriends?
Phoebe: I would, but youíre the last one.
Rachel: (angrily) GIVE ME THE BOOK! (she takes it and start reading) Pablo Diaz, Brady Smith, huh, "Guy-in-van"?
Phoebe: Oh, my first love!
Monica: What does the red X next to Bob Greenmoreís name mean?
Phoebe: Dead. (everyone is a bit upset) Oh, itís OK, no, he was old, yeah! And he lived a full life, he was in the first wave at Omaha Beach.
Chandler: Hey, Iím sorry, I should have given you guys my black book when I got married! Although it wasnít so much a book as a... napkin. With Janiceís phone number on it.
Rachel: Phoebe, isnít Jethro Tull a band?
Phoebe: (proud of herself) Oh yes, they are.
Chandler: (he enters) Hey honey!
Joey: (Looking inside the fridge, and we only see his back. Then he closes the door, and we see itís Joey.) Hi sweetie!
Chandler: Is Monica not here?
Chandler: Oh, then Iíll tell you. My agency was bidding for a big account and they got it! Itís my first national commercial!
Chandler: Yeah, and I donít wanna brag but a lot of the ideas were mine! (silence) Hell, you werenít there? All the ideas were mine!!!
Joey: Thatís great! Hey, can you cast me in it?
Chandler: Oh... I donít know, I really donít think youíre right for the part.
Joey: What do you mean? I can do anything, Iím a chameleon! Huh? (he mimes an old man with a beard) Iím old! (then he yawns) Iím tired! (then he mimes someone whoís hot...) Hey, Iím hot (...and cold) Iím cold!! Huh?? Come on! What canít I do?
Chandler: First of all. Bravo. Uh, but I really donít think youíre right for this. The part calls for a stuffy college professor.
Joey: I can do that! (in a deeper voice) "Hello, Iím your professor. When Iím not busy thinking of important things or... professing. I like to use..." Oh, whatís the product?
Chandler: Software that facilitates inter-business networking e-solutions?
Joey: (after a long pause he starts miming again) Iím cold!
Ross: (to Charlie) Hey!
Ross: Guess whoís a finalist for a huge research grant! Iíll give you a hint, heís looking right at you.
Charlie: Ah, well, unless itís the creepy guy with his hand up his kilt, Iím gonna say congratulations!
Ross: Oh, Iím so excited, I mean, apparently I beat out hundreds of other applicants, included five guys I went to graduate school with. Not that Iím keeping score or anything... five!
Charlie: Wow, thatís great! So, tell me about the grant!
Ross: Well, ok, itís for 25 thousand dollars. And if I get it, Iíll finally be able to complete my field research! And there will be an article about me in the "Paleontology Review"! Yeah! Thatíll be the first time my name is in there, without people raising serious questions about my work!
Charlie: Wait. Are you talking about the Dewar grant?
Ross: Yeah. Why?
Charlie: Benjamin Hobart is administering that grant.
Ross: Your ex-boyfriend?
Ross: So, your ex-boyfriend is gonna determine if your new boyfriend gets this grant? Wow, your new boyfriend is screwed!
Charlie: No, no, we ended up in great terms. I mean, if anything, I think this could help you. You know what? Why donít we all go out to dinner together, and I can introduce you.
Ross: Well, if you think it would help.
Charlie: Yes, absolutely. Iíll call him.
Ross: Ok, now, is there anything I can do to... you know, butter him up? Anything he really likes?
Charlie: Mmh... he does have a pretty serious latex fetish.
Ross: Weíll see how dinner goes.
Phoebe: (looking at Monica entering) Hey!
Monica: Hey, you wanna go to see a movie?
Phoebe: Well, I told you I had to spend all the day clearing out stuff, so Mike could move in.
Monica: Oh, right.
Monica: Oh, well. Now that Iím here I might as well help you with the cleaning and organizing! Just happen to have my label maker!
Phoebe: Oh, itís so hard to get rid of stuff! Did you and Chandler have to make compromises when you first moved in together?
Monica: Uh, Chandler did! What does he want you to give up?
Phoebe: A bunch of stuff. And the worst one... he wants me to get rid of Gladys.
Monica: Whoís Gladys? (Phoebe shows her a horrific painting with a half-a-body girl dummy coming out of the frame. Monicaís frightened and she gasps.) Oh! What a tragic loss!
Phoebe: Yeah. I really hate to give her up. Oh, I know!! Oh, you should take her!
Monica: (faking happiness) Well, I-I-I-I... I donít know...
Phoebe: Why, you donít like her?
Monica: Well, of course I do. Whatís not to like! Iíll take her in a minute! But, you know, I think that youíre giving up too easy, honey. I think that you need to fight for her!
Phoebe: Really? You think?
Monica: Absolutely! Yes, you say to him "Iím sorry Mike I canít live without her, she means too much to me!"
Phoebe: Ok, Iíll fight for her. Ok! Oh, wait, oh I just realized... if I do that, that means you donít get her.
Monica: Damn it, I did not think this through!
Chandler: Hey you guys.
Joey: Oh! Any word on casting yet?
Chandler: Joe, I told you, youíre just not right for the part.
Joey: What do you mean? Rach, donít I seem like a professor youíd buy some kind of e-crap from?
Rachel: Iím sorry, this sounds like something Iím never gonna be interested in.
Joey (to Chandler): Look, címon, please? Itís not like Iím asking for some crazy favour. This is what I do for a living. I am a professional actor! (he glances at his watch and sees the time) Oh, man, Iím two hours late for work! (he stands, ready to go). Look, hereís a copy of my reels. Itís got all the commercials that Iíve been in.
Joey: Just watch it, and if you donít like it, you donít pass it on to your bosses!
Joey: Thank you. (he sits down)
Chandler: Work, Joe!
Joey: Damn it! (he leaves)
Chandler (to Rachel): What am I gonna do now?
Joey: Just pass it to your boss!
Chandler: Heís not right for the part. So if I suggest him, my bosses are gonna think Iím an idiot! And thatís something they should learn on their own!
Rachel: Just tell Joey that you watched the tape and you liked it, but your bosses didnít. Then that way, youíre the good guy and theyíre the bad guys.
Chandler: Thatís good! I liked it, they didnít. (he sees Joey out of the window hitting on a girl) Joey, for Godís sake, go to work! (Joey runs away).
Ross: I canít believe Iím about to meet Benjamin Hobart. Iíve always thought of him as one of the people Iíd invite to my fantasy dinner party. Do you think thereís any chance heíll bring Christie Brinkley or C3PO?
Charlie: (glances over Rossí shoulder) Sorry, looks like itís just him.
Benjamin: Charlie! My God, you look absolutely stunning!
Ross: Well, I... I am having a good hair day.
Benjamin: So good to see you.
Charlie: Me too. (she and Benjamin are hugging for very long and Ross starts pretending to clear his throat, until they stop)
Ross: Iím ok.
Charlie: Iím sorry... (introduces them to each other) Ross Geller... Benjamin Hobart.
Ross: Itís an honor to meet you. I canít tell you how long Iíve been an admirer of your work, I mean, that Nobel prize, (he thumbs up) whoooo! I mean, I have to tell you that, youíre one of the reasons I got into the field.
Benjamin: Oh, well, likewise. Actually, not likewise. Iíve never heard of you until this morning, but, itís nice to be nice!
Charlie: Shall we? (they sit down and Benjamin takes Rossí chair).
Benjamin: (to Ross) Thank you! (to Charlie). I canít believe that you chose this restaurant! Do you remember the night?
Charlie: Oh my God, I completely forgot! (they laugh) Oh my God! I canít believe they let us back in this place! (they laugh more, and Ross start laughing too).
Benjamin (to Ross): You werenít there!
Ross: No, but, itís, you know, itís just a funny image, you know, the two of you, in this restaurant, with... (laughs nervously)tzz-zzz, mmm.
Charlie: Ross, why donít you tell Benji about your proposal, while I go to the ladies room?
Benjamin: So, tell me about it.
Ross: Ok well, I would like to do a dig in the painted desert.
Ross: See, there are still several areas that havenít been fully excavated.
Benjamin: Break up with Charlie!
Ross: Did you just say "break up with Charlie"?
Benjamin: Well, yes, and now. Yes I did say it, and no, I didnít not say it.
Ross: Kind of inappropriate, donít you think?
Benjamin: Iím sorry. I just havenít seen her for so long! All these feelings are rushing back! Iím starting to realize how much I missed her, and Iím gonna need you to break up with her.
Ross: Are you serious?
Benjamin: If you say yes then Iím serious, if you say no then Iím joking!
Benjamin: Joking it is!
Phoebe: Hi! Sorry, Iím late.
Monica: Hey, how did it go with Mike, is he gonna let you keep the painting?
Phoebe: No, he really hates it. But heís gonna let me keep my box of human hair! So you got to pick your battles. But the good news is, Gladys is yours!
Monica: Wow, whatís the bad news!
Rachel: Whoís Gladys?
Phoebe: Oh, sheís that work of art I made, you know, with the woman coming out of the frame.
Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh, and Monica gets to keep her? In her house? I am so jealous!
Phoebe: Oh, I didnít know you wanted her too!
Rachel: Well, I mean, sure, of course. But... you already gave that to Monica, so...
Monica: You know, I would give her up, for you.
Rachel: No, I couldnít let you do that.
Monica: But I want to.
Rachel: But I donít want you to.
Monica: But I insist!
Rachel: But I insist harder!
Phoebe: Girls, girls, stop, ok? Weíll flip a coin. Heads, sheís Rachelís, tails sheís Monicaís. (she flips the coin). Tails! Monica, sheís yours!
Monica: No, that landed in your food!
Rachel: (sarcastic) No, no, thatís ok. You won fair and square. Iím so sad!
Chandler: Hey Joe!
Joey: Whatís up?
Chandler: Bad news. I watched the tape and passed it along to my bosses and they werenít interested.
Joey: (sounds disappointed) Oh.
Chandler: (Hands the tape back to him) Iím sorry man.
Joey: (looks at him suspiciously) But, ehm... you watched the tape?
Chandler: (sounds nervous) Yeah! I... I... I liked it! (Joey continues to look at him suspiciously) But, ehm... my bosses didnít go for it. Stupid sons of bitches!
Joey: (sounds confident) You didnít watch the tape.
Chandler: (looks surprised) What!? Of course I did!
Joey: Look, itís one thing not to cast me, but to lie to me?
Chandler: Iím not lying to you, I watched it!
Joey: Well, you lied again! (Rachel comes out of her room and is observing the conversation)
Chandler: I watched it!
Joey: Keep going Pinocchio!
Chandler: (now yelling) (pretending to look shocked) I did!
Joey: (yelling back) No you didnít! (turns and goes towards his room)
Chandler: (following him) Iím telling you, I watched the tape. (Reaches Joeyís room and Joey slams the door in his face)
Rachel: Did you watch the tape?
Chandler:(In a sarcastic "of course not"!-tone) No!
Benjamin: The selection committee has chosen the three of you as our finalists today. The ultimate decision will be based upon the answers you give to the questions I ask here. Iím gonna start with Dr. Li. Dr. Li, you claim the field is too reliant on the Linnaean taxonomic system. How do you propose to correct this problem?
Dr. Li: Well, I believe that the answers lie in the osteological evidence. I plan to begin there.
Benjamin: (nods) Interesting.
Ross: (Rolls his eyes) I guess!
Benjamin: Dr. Biely, your proposal includes some field work. Where might that take place?
Dr. Biely: Primarily in the Pierre Shale region of South Dakota.
Benjamin: Certainly. Very well. And Dr. Geller, when is my birthday?
Ross: (shocked and confused by the question) What? I... I... (Benjamin looks at him as if to say "Whatís wrong? Answer the question")
Benjamin: Care to venture a guess?
Ross: (annoyed) May 12th?
Benjamin: (looks surprised and un-impressed) Thatís not even kinda close! (Ross looks around confused) Dr. Li, how many graduate students youíd be needing?
Dr. Li: Half a dozen.
Benjamin: I see, and Dr. Biely?
Dr. Biely: Three for excavation and two for analysis.
Benjamin: Certainly. Dr. Geller, which 1965 Shirelles hit was later covered by a popular British invasion band?
Ross: (even more shocked) Wha..? I need 6 graduate students.
Benjamin: No! Iím sorry, we were looking for "Baby Itís You". Baby Itís You.
Ross: Wha...? Wait, wait, wait, just a minute. None of my questions have anything to do with Paleontology.
Benjamin: Youíre right, I apologize. Scratch the last question. Spell "Boscodictiasaur".
Ross: (annoyed) um... Iíve never heard of a "Boscodictiasaur".
Benjamin: Yeah, I just made it up. Spell it.
Ross: (stares at him angrily) Ok. (determined to spell it correctly) B - O - S ...
Benjamin: No, it starts with a silent "M".
Ross: Oh come on!!
Chandler: I canít believe Joey. I hate being called a liar!
Rachel: But you are a liar.
Chandler: What did I just say?
(Joey comes out of his room)
Joey: You still here?
Chandler: Yes, and I have to say, I am not just hurt. I am insulted. When I tell somebody I did something...
Joey: Ok whoah-hey... Let me just stop you right there, ok? First, you lied, right? Then, you lied about lying, ok? Then you lied about lying about lying, ok? So before you lie about lying about lying about lying about... lying... (loses count and begins to count the number of ílyingsí in the air but gives up.) (yelling) Stop lying!
Chandler: Why are you so sure I didnít watch this tape?
Joey: (very angry) You wanna know wh...? You wanna know why? (goes back into his room)
Rachel: Well, this is going well. (Chandler looks worried)
Joey: (comes out holding the tape) Hereís how I know you didnít watch the tape, ok? (puts it into the vcr) If you had seen what was on this tape, believe me, you would have some comments. Alright, now remember, I got paid a lot of money for this and it only aired in Japan. (presses play and he appears on the TV screen and a TV commercial begins)
(The commercial: Joey says "Ichiban". It displays a few girls dancing around and Joey fills most of the screen, he puts something blue on his lips and smacks them saying "Lipstick For Men!" It goes on to show him playing a guitar and putting on more blue lipstick. In the end he says seductively "Ichiban... Lipstick For Men" and "Sahiko" and it ends. Chandler and Rachel are speechless.)
Joey: (Yelling at Chandler) And thatís how I know you didnít watch the tape! (goes back to his room and slams the door).
Chandler: He really is a chameleon.
Phoebe: (smiling from ear to ear) Well, Gladys say hello to your new home! (she holds out the ípaintingí)
Monica: (faking happiness) Oh, my!
Rachel: (surprised by how ugly it is) Wow! (sarcastic) Oh, sheís so nice and big! Oh, Monica, where are you going to display Gladys oh so proudly? (looks around for a spot)
Monica: (sounds desperate, knowing what Rachel is trying to do) I havenít really settled on a spot yet!
Rachel: Well, hey! How about right above the TV? (Points to the spot where her famous French poster is hanging). That way, it will be the first thing that you see when you walk in the door!
Phoebe: (genuinely excited about it) Yeah, yeah! And you can get rid of that French poster.
Monica: (offended) I like that poster!
Phoebe: Really? It doesnít have anything coming out of it. Or maybe there is some place for her in your bedroom?
Rachel: (jumps at the chance to make that happen) Oh! Thereís nothing above your bed!!
Monica: (Impatient with Rachel) Are you still here?
Ross: Oh hi! Hello! Uh, have you come to ask me some more paleontology related questions? Uhm... your grandmotherís nickname, perhaps? (Now yelling) Aunt Margaretís pants size?
Benjamin: Iíve come here to apologize. I think I may have let my feelings for Charlie interfere with the interview process.
Ross: (Sarcastic) No! Stop!
Benjamin: Anyway, Iíve decided to offer you the grant.
Ross: (Skeptical) Really?
Benjamin: Well... there is just one small... stipulation...
Ross: I have to break up with Charlie?
Benjamin: Hey, you got one right!
(Ross shakes his head)
Ross: Youíre crazy.
Benjamin: Crazy, or... romantic?
Ross: (Yelling) Get out! (Benjamin leaves)
(Rachel enters, checking the mail, then looks up and sees Gladys placed on the barcalounger.)
Rachel: O-oh my God!
Joey: (enters from his bedroom) What?
Rachel: Joey, what... is... this...thing... doing here?
Joey: I got it from Monica. She sold it to me for a very reasonable price.
Rachel: Joey, weíre not keeping this!
Joey: But itís an original Buffay...
Rachel: Alright, fine. You can keep it. As long as you donít mind that sheís haunted.
Joey: Hey? what? what? wey! whoo! what? what!?
Rachel: Well, legend has it Joey, that... she comes alive when youíre asleep.
(Joeyís eyes are twice their size now, and looks nervously from Rachel to Gladys and back.)
Rachel: She climbs out of the frame, and then drags her half-a-body across the floor, just looking for legs to steal. (in a spooky, slow voice) And then with her one good hand, she slo-o-owly re-e-a-aches up and turns your doorknob.
Joey: GET THAT LEGLESS WITCH OUT OF HERE!
(Joey leaves for his bedroom, and Rachel grins. She then takes Gladys and enters Monicaís apartment.)
Monica: Hey! I sold that to Joey.
Rachel: Well, why I told him itís haunted. Two can play at this game. (gives Gladys to Monica)
Monica: No, too late. You canít give it back! (she pushes the painting back to Rachel)
Rachel: Yes I can! (pushes her back again)
Monica: No you canít. Sheís yours!
Rachel: Sheís yours!
Monica: SHEíS YOURS!
Rachel: Sheís yours!
(While they are both pushing the painting towards each other, Phoebe enters)
Phoebe: Hey! (thereís a pause)
Rachel: Sheís mine!
Monica: Sheís m-i-i-ne!
Rachel: Sheís mine!
Monica: Sheís mine!
Phoebe: You guys! You guys! You donít have to fight over her anymore. (she goes out into the hallway and enters with an even more hideous painting/collage. One of those faceles mannequins heads wearing a blueish dress and orange gloves reaching out into the room. Around the head 3 small dolls are hovering.) Whoever doesnít get Gladys gets Glynnis. (Rachel and Monica are gasping for air at the sight of this monstrous piece of art.)
Rachel: I want Gladys!
Monica: Sheís mine!
Rachel: Sheís mine!
Monica: Sheís mine!
Rachel: Sheís mine!
[Scene: Rachel and Joeyís. Joeyís home alone, reading a Sports Illustrated magazine when Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Look, Iím sorry I didnít give them your tape. And I promise, next time to submit you whether I think you are right for the part or not.
Joey: Thatís not the point Chandler. The point is that you lied.
Chandler: I know. Youíre right. Whatís it gonna take for you to forgive me?
Monica: Oh my God!
(we see Joey and Chandler standing there, and Chandler is wearing the blue Ichiban lipstick!)
Joey: Now, what do you say?
Chandler: Lying is wrong!
Joey: And?... AND?
Chandler: Iím a pretty little girl.
Phoebe: I knew it!
Ross: Your ex-boyfriend is insane.
Charlie: Did you get the grant?
Ross: No I didnít, and you want to know why? Because your ex-boyfriend is still in love with you.
Ross: Yeah. He wouldnít give me the grant, because I wouldnít give you up.
Charlie: Benji isnít in love with me. I mean, he broke up with me. And besides, heís a very ethical man.
Ross: Really? Is it ethical to ask someone in a grant review, who was the voice of "Underdog"?
Charlie: Iím sure he was just joking, Ross.
Ross: If you donít believe me, letís go talk to him, okay? Iím telling you, he didnít ask me one paleontological question.
Ross: Oh, Iím sorry, no. He did ask me one. Uhm... How do you spell Mboscodictiosaur?
Charlie: Well, if itís like the lake Mbosco in Congo, then M-B-O...
Benjamin: Dr. Geller...? Charlie... What are you... what are you doing here?
Ross: I want you to tell her everything. About the deal you tried to make with me, about the crazy questions you... Wally Cox! Thatís the voice of Underdog!
Benjamin: Like I tried to tell you in the interview Ross, this grant is not based on your knowledge of pretty useless trivia.
Ross: No, no, no. Donít do that! I want you to look her in the eyes, and tell her the truth.
Benjamin: Alright, itís true. I behaved horribly. But itís only because I still love you. And I would do anything to have you back in my life.
Ross: Too little, too late, Benji!
Charlie: I canít believe this.
Benjamin: I never should have broken up with you. I think about you all the time. I mean, do you ever still think about me?
Ross: (indignant) No!
Charlie: I donít know what to say, Benji. This is all so.... romantic.
Benjamin: Listen, I know, I may be way out of bounds here, but is there any chance you will take me back?
Ross: Sweetie, this conversation is starting to make me a little uncomfortable.
Charlie: Oh God! I am so sorry, but... (she puts her hand on Rossís cheek) I mean itís... thereís so much history between us, you know...
Benjamin: (puts his hand on Rossís other cheek) Iím sorry too...
(Charlie and Benji both let their hands slide down Rossís face, until their hands meet, and they hold hands.)
Benjamin: I love you!
Charlie: I love you too! (and they start to kiss)
Ross: Okay, thatís it. WE ARE SEEING OTHER PEOPLE!
(There are scratching and squeaking noises coming from the living room, and Joey wakes up, terrified. He pulls his blanket higher. The doorknob is turning.)
(The door opens, and there is Gladys, still in her frame though. Joey panics and moves frantically, screaming. Then there is laughing, and the painting is lowered. It was Rachel holding Gladys.)
Rachel: Ha ha ha, third time this week. Man, this does not get old.
Joey: Youíre mean!
Rachel: Oh, donít be such a baby!
(She closes his door again, and turns around. Then she starts screaming, terrified. There is Glynnis... And Monica holding her up, laughing.)