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|Script Saison 10 Episode 13|
Titre US : The One Where Joey Speaks French
Titre FR : Celui qui baragouinait
Écrit par Sherry Bilsing-Graham et Ellen Plummer
Réalisé par Gary Halvorson
Transcrit par Coffee Mug , Eleonora et Sebastiano
Traduit par Guillaume Martin
All: Hey! Hi!
Rachel: How was the honeymoon?
Phoebe; Oh, incredible! Oh! Champagne, candle-lit dinners, moonlight walks on the beach, it was sooo ro-man-tic!
Chandler: So, whereís Mike?
Phoebe: Oh, heís at the doctor, he didnít poop the whole time we were there!
Joey: Well anyway, Iím glad youíre back, I really need your help.
Phoebe: Oh, why? Whatís up?
Joey: I have an audition for this play and for some of it I have to speak French. Which, according to my rťsumť, Iím fluent in.
Ross: Joey, you shouldnít lie on your rťsumť.
Monica: Yeah, you really shouldnít. (to Ross, sarcastically) By the way, how was that year-long dig in Cairo?
Ross: (whispering) It was ok...
Rachel: I did not know you spoke French.
Phoebe: Oui, bien sur je parle FranÁais! Quíest-ce que tu penses alors?
Rachel: Oh... youíre so sexy!
Joey: Well, so, will you help me? I really wanna be in this play.
Phoebe: Sure! Tout le plaisir est pour moi, mon ami.
Rachel: Seriously stop it, or Iím gonna jump on ya.
Chandler: Why are you wearing my apron?
Monica: Iím making cookies for Erica. And oh, by the way, we have to leave for the airport soon, her plane comes in about an hour.
Chandler: Oh, hey, when she gets here, is it ok if I introduce you two as "my wife" and "the woman whoís carrying my child"? (sheís not amused) No? Divorce?
Ross: (he enters) Hey.
Ross: You guys know where Rachel is?
Monica: No, we havenít seen her since this morning.
Ross: So unbelievable. She was supposed to meet me half an hour ago with Emma. (he tries to take a cookie but Monica slaps his hand)
Monica: These are for Erica!
Ross: What? Sheís gonna eat all those cookies?
Monica: Well, I want he baby to come out all cute and fat!
Ross: So, why is Erica coming to visit?
Monica: Well, because we want to get to know her better and sheís never been to New York so she wants to see all the touristsí spots... you know, Statue of Liberty, Empire State Building...
Chandler: Oh, those places! Thereís always so many people, their being corralled like cattle, and... you know, thereís always some idiot who goes "Mooooo"!
Monica: Well, if it annoys you so much, then why do you do it?
Ross: (looking at Rachel entering with Emma) Oh, hi! Hi! Thanks for showing you up thirty minutes late!
Ross: No, no, no, Iím sure you have a great excuse, wh-was it a hair appointment, a mani-pedi or was there a sale at Barneyís?
Rachel: My father had an heart attack... (crying) ...while I was at Barney’s.
Ross: Oh my God.
Chandler: Iím so sorry...
Ross: Is-is he ok?
Rachel: Yeah, they said heís gonna be fine, but heís still heavily sedated.
Ross: Ok, ok. Iím gonna come out to Long Island with you, I mean, you canít be alone right now.
Rachel: No, come on, Iím totally ok. (hugging him) I donít need you to come! I can totally handle this on my own.
Ross: Still-still, let me come... for me.
Rachel: Ok. If you really need to.
Ross: I bet someone could use one of Monicaís freshly baked cookies.
Rachel: Oh, I really could.
Rachel: Ohh... (Ross mouths HA-HA at Monica and takes two cookies and she looks at him angrily)
Phoebe: All right, it seems pretty simple. Your first line is "My name is Claude", so, just repeat after me. "Je míappelle Claude".
Joey: Je de coup Clow.
Phoebe: Well, just... letís try it again.
Phoebe: Je míappelle Claude.
Joey: Je depli mblue.
Phoebe: Uh. Itís not... quite what Iím saying.
Joey: Really? It sounds exactly the same to me.
Phoebe: It does, really?
Phoebe: All right, let just try it again. Really listen.
Joey: Got it.
Phoebe: (slowly) Je míappelle Claude.
Joey: Je te flouppe Fli.
Phoebe: Oh, mon Dieu!
Joey: Oh, de fuff!
Monica: (entering with Erica and Chandler) Hey you guys.
Monica: I want you to meet someone really special. Phoebe, this is Erica. And this is the baby!
Monica: Joey. Erica, baby!
Monica: Everyone. Erica, baby!
Chandler: Monica. Calm, self.
Erica: Thank you. Itís really nice to meet you guys, I canít believe Iím here!
Joey: Welcome to New York City! Or should I say "ghe deu flooff New York City"?
Chandler: Why would you say that?
Phoebe: Ok. What are you gonna be doing today?
Erica: I wanna see everything! Times Square, Coney Island, Rockefeller Center...
Joey: Oh, you know what you should do? You should walk all the way at the top of Statue of Liberty.
Erica: Oh yeah, letís do that!
Chandler: Great! (to Monica) This babyíd better to be really good.
Rachel: (stopping a nurse whoís coming out of a room) Oh, uhm, excuse me, Iím here to see my father. My name is Rachel Green.
Ross: And Iím Doctor Ross Geller.
Rachel: Ross, please, this is a hospital, ok? That actually means something here.
Rachel: Can somebody please go in?
Ross: Rach, I think Iím gonna wait out here, because my throat is feeling a little scratchy, I donít want to infect him.
Rachel: Ross, please, donít be so scared of him!
Ross: Iím not scared of him, Iím really sick!
Nurse: Heís under sedation, so heís pretty much out.
Ross: Iím feeling better.
Rachel: Oh! (They enter. Rachel sees his father, lying on a bed, with tubes, drip and everything) Oh! Oh my God! Ohhh, ohhh, wow, that ear and nose hair trimmer I got him was just money down the drain, huh?
Nurse: Miss Green, your fatherís doctor is on the phone if youíd like to speak to him.
Rachel: Oh, great, Are you gonna be ok?
Ross: Heís unconscious, I think weíll be just fine!
Rachel (leaving): Ok.
(Ross goes into the room where Dr. Green is laying unconscious. He turns on the TV, puts his feet on the bed and starts watching a dinosaur movie where the dinosaur is caught by two cowboys. Dr. Geller awakes.)
Ross: Did the TV wake you?
Dr. Green: No, when you put your feet up in my bed, you tugged on my catheter.
Dr. Green: What are you doing here, Geller?
Ross: Well, I came with Rachel, who should be back any second! (pause) So whatís new?
Dr. Green: Ooh, I have a little heart attack.
Ross: Right, is it painful?
Dr. Green: What, the heart attack or sitting here talking to you?
Ross (he buzzes for the nurse) Letís see if we can get that Rachel back here.
Dr. Green: So whatís new with you, uh, knocked up any more of my daughters lately?
Ross: Nope, just the one. RACH!
Phoebe: Je míappelle Claude.
Joey: Je do call blue!
Phoebe: Noooo! Ok, maybe if we just break it down. Ok, letís try at one syllable at a time. Ok? So repeat after me. "je".
Phoebe: Great, ok faster! "je"
Phoebe: Je míappelle!
Joey: Me pooh pooh!
Phoebe: Ok, itís too hard, I canít teach you!
Joey: What are you doing?
Phoebe: I, I have to go before I put your head through a wall. (she leaves)
Joey: (he goes out calling her) Donít move! Donít go! I need you! My audition is tomorrow! Shah blue blah! Me lah peeh! Ombrah! (he gives up). Pooh.
Ross: I was gonna make us some dinner but all I found in your dadís fridge was bacon and heavy cream. (pause) I think we solved the mystery of the heart attack.
Rachel: Uh. (pause) Did you call your parents?
Ross: Oh, yeah. Emmaís doing great.
Rachel: Oh good.
Ross: Just canít believe Iím in Rachel Greenís room.
Rachel: What do you mean? Youíve been in my room before!
Ross: Yeah, sure, right! Like Iíve ever been in Rachel Greenís room.
Rachel: Ok I gotta tell ya, itís really weird when you use my whole name.
Ross: Sorry. (Rachel sits on her bed). You ok?
Ross: You had a rough day, uh?
Rachel: Yeah, just so weird seeing him like that, you know? I mean he is a doctor, you donít expect doctors to get sick!
Ross: But we do! (pause) Itís gonna be ok, Rach!
Rachel: (sheís sad) Ow. I donít want him to wake up alone! I should go to the hospital!
Ross: What? No, no! Hey, hey, hey look...
Ross: They gave him a lot of medication, ok? He wouldnít even know if you were there. Look, weíll go see him first thing in the morning, ok?
Rachel: Really, I shouldnít feel guilty?
Ross: No, God! Hey, Rach, youíve been an amazing daughter, ok? Right now you just need to get some rest.
Rachel: Ok, maybe youíre right.
Ross: (he kisses her on her forehead) Good night.
Rachel: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Would you stay here with me for a little while?
Rachel: Ok. (She sits on the bed and Ross sits near her) Thank you for coming with me today.
Ross: Oh, of course...
Rachel: Rachel Green is very happy youíre in her room!
Ross: Me too. Come here. (They hug)
Rachel: I just donít want to be alone tonight.
Ross: Ok, well, uh, I can maybe grab a sleeping bag, or...(Thereís one of those moments. Theyíre staring at each other, no word uttered, and then she leans toward him in order to kiss him, but he ducks and avoids her more than once.) Oh, oh. (he then hugs her and when she tries to kiss him again, he stands up and she falls down on the bed). No, Rach! Iím sorry, I just donít think this, this, this is a good idea.
Rachel: Wait, we wonít know that until we do it, will we?
Ross: No, look, uh. You are upset about your father and youíre feeling vulnerable and I just donít feel it would be right, Iíd feel like Iíd be, you know, taking advantage of you.
Rachel: Taking advantage? Iím giving you the advantage, enjoy!
Ross: Look, Iím sure it would be great, but I-I think one of us has to be thinking clearly, so, Iím gonna go!
Rachel: Wow. Ok.
Ross: Iíll see you in the morning (he leaves).
Ross: (outside her room, talking by himself) Havenít had sex in four months, I should get a medal for that!
Erica: Thanks so much for taking me to all those places. I had a great time.
Monica: Oh, Iím glad. Listen, I want to apologize about Chandler, though. I just did not see this coming.
Chandler: (enters the room wearing an "I love New York" t-shirt, a "Statue of Liberty" hat and carrying bags) New York is awesome!
Monica: What is with you?
Chandler: Yeah, Iíve been to these places before, but Iíve never really seen them, you know.
Monica: Yeah, you miss alot, when youíre moo-ing.
Erica: Thanks so much for showing me around.
Monica: Oh! It was our pleasure. We are so much enjoying getting to know you.
Erica: Well, if there is anything else you wanna know... (Monica and Chandler look at each other)
Chandler: Oh, uhm, okay, uhm, do you mind if we ask you some questions about the father?
Erica: Oh, sure. Yeah, well, he was my high school boyfriend. Captain of the football team, really cute and he got a scholarship and went off to college. (Monica and Chandler are smiling from ear to ear)
Chandler: Thatís great.
Erica: Yeah... itís almost definitely him. (Monica and Chandler look confused now)
Monica: Howís that now?
Erica: Well, there is a chance itís another guy. I mean, I have only ever been with two guys, but they sorta overlapped.
Chandler: So, what does the other guy do? Does he go to college too?
Erica: No, heís in prison. (More shocked looks from Monica and Chandler)
Monica: Was he falsely accused of something? (They look hopeful)
Erica: No... he killed his father with a shovel. (Monica and Chandlerís jaws drop) But other than that, heís a great guy.
Chandler: Iíll bet his dad doesnít think so.
(Time lapse. Chandler and Monica are in bed now)
Monica: Are you awake?
Chandler: Of course Iím awake. Assume from now on that Iím always awake! (He turns the light on)
Monica: Alright, we donít know that itís him. I mean, it could be the football guy.
Chandler: Honey, itís us. Of course itís the shovel-killer.
Monica: Alright, lets say that it is him, would we not want the baby? No! Would we treat him any differently?
Chandler: Iíd keep an eye on him! We have to find out which one the father is.
Chandler: I dunno, arenít there tests for these things, right?
Monica: Yeah, but maybe weíre just over-reacting.
Chandler: Pff, easy for you to say, heís a father killer. He probably loves him mommy. Heís probably got a tattoo that says "mom" on his shovel-wielding arm!
[Scene: Joeyís apartment. He is sitting on the barcalounger holding a French study book and listening to a French learning tape.]
Tape: We will now count from one to five. Un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq.
Joey: Huh, un, blu, bla, flu, flenk!
Tape: Good job.
Joey: Thank you.
Phoebe: Hey Joey.
Phoebe: Listen, I feel really badly about yesterday and I thought about it a lot and, and I know, I was too impatient. SO lets try it again.
Joey: Oh, no, thatís okay, I donít need your help. I worked on it myself and I gotta say, I am pretty good!
Phoebe: Really, can I hear some of it.
Joey: Sure, sure. Ok, (clears his throat and starts to read from his script. He starts talking in a fake French accent, making gestures with his hands) "Bleu de la bleu, de la blu bla bleu" (Phoebe looks astonished, annoyed and disgusted, Joey seems very proud though) See?
Phoebe: Well, youíre not, (she tries to smile and contain her anger, but loses it) Youíre not... youíre not... again, youíre not SPEAKING FRENCH!
Joey: (offended) Oh well I think I am, yeah and I think Iím definitely gonna get the part.
Phoebe: How could you possibly think that?
Joey: For one thing, the guy on the tape said I was doing a good job!
Ross: Hey Rach, can you grab me a cup of coffee?
Rachel: (She turns around very slowly, looks at him for a second and then turns back to her coffee) Sure. (She gives him the cup she was pouring for herself without looking at him)
Ross: Youíve been quiet all morning. Is everything okay?
Rachel: Hmm-hmm. (starts to pour herself a cup of coffee, never looking at Ross)
Ross: You sure youíre alright?
Rachel: (coldly) Yep.
Ross: (knowing sheís not alright) O-kay. Well, Iím gonna go grab us some breakfast. (He starts to leave)
Ross: (knew this was coming) There it is... (he comes back)
Rachel: In the future, when a girl asks for some ill-advised sympathy sex... just do it. (she smiles fakely at him)
Ross: (half amused) Wait, wait, (looks around a little) Youíre mad at me about last night? I was just trying to do the right thing.
Rachel: (sarcastically) Really? Well, it seems to me if youíd done the right thing, I would not have woken up today feeling stupid and embarrassed, I would have woken up feeling comforted and satisfied!
Ross: (acknowledging the last part of her sentence) Well...
Rachel: Oh stop that!
Ross: I canít believe this. I was just being a good guy. I treated you with respect and understanding.
Rachel: (sarcastic) Oh, that is so hot. She walks around him to the other side)
Ross: Hey, I was looking out for you.
Rachel: Oh, really, well Ross, you know what? I am a big girl. I donít need someone telling me what is best for me.
Ross: I gotta say, I have not had sex a lot of times before, this is the worst ever.
Rachel: Oh, really, really? Well, it wasnít very good for me either. (She turns to leave and Ross over takes her and stands infront on her, his back to the row of doors leading to the hospital rooms)
Ross: Hey you know what? You know what? To avoid this little thing in the future, letís just say, you and me, never having sex again.
Ross: Thatís right, sex is off the table. (The door starts to open behind him and Dr. Green emerges) I am never having sex with you again. (Rachel stays quiet and after a few moments Ross realizes what has happened. He turns abruptly) Dr. Green, are you feeling better? (Rachelís dad glares at him with a deadly look)
Chandler: Hey! How was lunch?
Erica: (To Chandler) We had a good time. By the way, I wanted to ask you something. It would really mean a lot to me, if the baby was a boy, that you name him after my father, Jiminy Billy Bob (Monica smiles at Chandler and his he looks shocked and scared, getting no support from his wife)
Chandler: (struggling) Oh, really?
Erica: No! (To Monica) You weíre right, that was fun! Iím gonna go finish packing.
Chandler: O-okay. (steps closer to Monica and speaks softly) So, is she gonna take the test?
Monica: Nope, she doesnít have to, I found out who the father is.
Chandler: Oh God. Itís shovely-Joe, isnít it?
Monica: (smiling) No itís not.
Chandler: How do you know?
Erica: Well, it turns out that Erica didnít pay much attention in Sex Ed class, because the thing she did with that prison guy... itíd be pretty hard to make a baby that way.
Chandler: Oh God! What was it? The thing that we hardly ever do or the thing we never do?
Monica: The thing we never do.
Chandler: (nods in appreciation) Shovely Joe!
Director: Whenever youíre ready Joey.
Joey: Right. (clears his throat) Dja bu bu Claude. Uh, cíest la pu les la lu blah bloo.
Casting assistant: Iím sorry, whatís going on?
Joey: Dude, come on! French it u-up!
Director: Joey, do you speak French?
Joey: Toutes la smore! Bu blu-ay bloo blah ooh! Pfoof!
Director: You know what. I think this audition is over. (Joey looks disappointed, but understands.)
Phoebe: (in a French accent) Uh, excuse me. Uh, I am Reginť Philange. I was passing by when I heard this man speaking the regional dialect of my French town of Estťe Lauder.
Director: You really think this man is speaking French?
Phoebe: …coutez, je vais vous dire la vťritť. Cíest mon petit frŤre. Il est un peu retardť. (Translation: Listen, I will tell you the truth. Heís my little bother. Heís a bit retarded.)
(The director looks at Joey and he nods.)
Phoebe: Alors, si vous pouviez jouer le jeu avec lui... (Translation: So, would you please just humor him?)
Director: (to Joey) Good job, little buddy. That was some really good French. But I think weíre gonna go with someone else for the part.
Joey: Ah. All right. But my French was good?
Director: It was great.
Joey: (to Phoebe) Oh-hoh! Ha-hah! See!
Phoebe: (to the director) Merci. Au revoir. (Translation: Thanks, goodbye.)
Joey: Yeah-hah. Toute-de-le-fruit.
Ross: Emmaís down for the night.
Rachel: Oh, good.
Ross: So uh... I guess I wanna take off.
Rachel: Okay... Hey listen, just before you go I-I again, I just wanna say "thank you" for coming with me.
Ross: Oh, no problem.
Rachel: And also, you know I uh, I was thinking about what you said, you know, about the whole sex thing and... itís probably not a great idea to go down that road again.
Ross: Thank you. Iím glad you agree.
Rachel: Itís a shame though, I mean, when we did it, it was pretty good.
Ross: Yeah... Yeah, thatís true.
Rachel: Hey uhm, do you remember that one really great time...?
Ross: Oh, ye-ah!
Rachel: You know it was youíre uhm... birthday...
Ross: ...Valentineís day...
Both: (long pause, they realize) Oh yeah!
Rachel: Well, I guess thatís all in the past, now.
Rachel: (after a pause) Not even one more time?
Ross: Not even once.
Rachel: No matter how much we want it.
Ross: Even if we want it really bad.
Rachel: Thatís what we decided.
Ross: Uhm, right!
Rachel: ...Itís kinda hard though!
Rachel: You know, when two people have a connection, you know, thatís... just seems like such a... waste.
Ross: ...I hate waste.
Rachel: Just so you know... With us... itís never off the table. (she enters her room and closes the door.)
Ross: Damn it. Itís never off the table. (he leaves the apartment)
Phoebe: Okay, can you really tapdance?
Phoebe: Itís off the resumť. (she strikes it through with a pencil)
Phoebe: Horseback riding?
Joey: Would fall off a lot.
Phoebe: You can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds?
Joey: That I can do.
Phoebe: Come on! You can drink a gallon of milk in 10 seconds?
Joey: All right, watch me! (he takes a full container of milk from the fridge) Okay, you time me. Ready?
Phoebe: Ready... GO!
(Joey takes the plastic container to his mouth and starts to drink. Most of the milk gushes from the bottle down his chin and over his clothes to the floor. He keeps "drinking" and all of a sudden he lifts it up and half the bottle of milk pours out in an instant. He then continues to drink the rest. He then puts the empty container down on the counter.)
Phoebe: (checking her watch) You did it !