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|Script Saison 3 Episode 14|
Titre US : The One With Phoebe's Ex-Partner
Titre FR : Celui que les prothŤses ne gťnaient pas
Écrit par Wil Calhoun
Réalisé par Robby Benson
Transcrit par Eric Aasen
Traduit par Laura Cynober
Joey : Wow. This girlís good.
Phoebe : (sarcastically) Ho ho, yeah - a song with rhyming words - ooo, I never thought of that before!
Chandler : (to Phoebe) I like her.
Phoebe : Why? íCuz she can sing *and* play guitar *and* do both at the same time?
Chandler : Well, thatís ... pretty much all Iím looking for from these people.
Monica : (to Phoebe) Look at you, all jealous.
Ross : Yeah, Pheebs, címon - you two have completely different styles, yíknow? Sheís more (makes excited motions with his hands) ... yíknow, and ... ín youíre more ... (tries in vain to come up with some gesture to illustrate Phoebeís "different style", he wilts under Phoebeís icy glare)
Leslie : (finishing her song) ... please always stay beside me - eee. (everyone applauds except Phoebe)
Phoebe : Okay? See? See? Everybody else is happy sheís done.
Leslie : Okay, my next songís called, (looks at Phoebe) "Phoebe Buffay, what can I say, I really loved when we were singiní partners and I shouldnítíve left you that way".
Phoebe : (as everybody looks to her for a reaction) Ohh, no ... one of those "look for the hidden meaning" songs.
Phoebe : Hey Leslie. Howíd you know Iíd be here?
Leslie : I ran into Vlad at the place where they sell the big fish, and he said you played here alot, so, ummm ...
Chandler : Alright, listen - I have to go to the bathroom, but if the place with the big fish comes up again, Iíd like to know whether thatís several big fish, or just one big fish. (goes to the back)
Joey : So, uh, Phoebe tells us you write jingles.
Phoebe : Actually, I said she abandoned me to write jingles.
Joey : Uh, a- anything we mightíve heard of?
Leslie : Uh, yeah, ummm ... (singing) "Home is never far away ..." (Ross, Joey and Monica recognize the jingle and join in)
Leslie, Ross, Joey and Monica : "... Home is Home Star Stew"
Leslie : Yeah, but I donít do that anymore ... I- I got kind of sick of it and then ... I couldnít come up with anything good, so they fired me.
Phoebe : (without emotion) Mmm, bummer.
Leslie : (cRossing to Phoebeís side of the couch) Well, I - yíknow, I was just - ummm, I was just thinking, and just hopiní that ... mmm ... maybe youíd wanna get back together? (sticking her finger up, like an old secret hand signal between friends)
Phoebe : (without emotion) No, but thanks.
Leslie : Aww címon Phoebe, wouldja just think about it?
Phoebe : Okay. (pauses 1 second, then, same as before) No, but thanks.
Leslie : OK. Uh, see ya Pheebs. (she leaves with her guitar)
Joey : (to Phoebe) Wow. That was kind of brutal.
Phoebe : Well, okay, let this be a lesson to all of you, alright? Once you, once you betray me, I become, like, the "Ice Woman", yíknow? Iím just ... very cold, hard, unyielding, yíknow, nothing, NOTHING can penetrate this icy exterior ... (to Monica) can I have a tissue please?
Monica : Oh, yes.
Chandler : No. This is just part of a daredevil game that I play called "Wait Until The Last Moment Before I Burst And Die". (GUNTHER leaves, and someone comes out of the restroom, and Chandler addresses the person impatiently) Jeez, man, did you fall ... (then, noticing itís Ginger, an attractive girl) Hi! (then, in a polite sounding coverup effort) ... So, uh, didja ... di- di- did you fall hi?
Ginger : Someone was in the ladies room, I couldnít wait. I left the lid up for you, though. (as Chandler chuckles, GUNTHER returns)
Chandler : Yíknow what, uh, Gunther, ehh go, uh, go íhead, Iím, Iím talking to, uh ... (to Ginger) this is the part where you say your name.
Ginger : Ginger.
Chandler : Ginger, Iím talking to Ginger, so ... (GUNTHER enters the bathroom and the door swings shut)
Ginger : Donít you have to use the bathroom?
Chandler : Nope. Nope, I just, uh, Iíd rather, uh, talk to you and ... (after re-evaluating) yes I do. Yes I *do* have to go to the bathroom, heh heh. (knocks on bathroom door)
Gunther : (from behind the door) Someone in here.
Phoebe : Whereís Chandler?
Joey : Oh, he canít make it, he said he had to go back to his, uh, job and do, uh, (sees Ginger walking his way) wwuuh-oh! (he ducks behind the coat rack)
Ginger : Joey? Joey Tribbiani. (as she moves nearer, he swings around, using the coat rack as a shield) Joey, I can see you, okay? Youíre hiding behind the coats? (Joey shushes the already-silent Ross and Phoebe to make sure they donít "give him away", Ginger glances sideways in disgust at Monica before leaving)
Joey : Haahhh - close one. Heh!
Rachel : Hi, sweetie.
Ross : Hello! (he kisses Rachel)
Mark : (to Ross) Hey, Ross.
Ross : (over his shoulder) Uh-huh.
Rachel : Iíve got some bad news.
Ross : What?
Rachel : I can get a quick bite to eat, but then Iím gonna have to come back up here.
Ross : Címon sweetie, youíve had to work late every night for the past two weeks. What is it this time?
Mark : Uh, actually, itís kind of my fault, I- I quit today.
Ross : (perking up, to Rachel) ... but work comes first. (turning, to MARK with almost mock sadness) Oh, hey, but thatís sad about you, though. What happened? What happened? Burnout? Burn all out, didja?
Rachel : No, heís leaving for a better job.
Ross : Oh, well thatís great, so I guess this is uh, this is "goodbye" then, huh? Goodbye. (throws pad in his box and chuckles to himself)
Mark : Okay then.
Ross : Okay.
Rachel : Well, well weíre gonna miss you around here!
Mark : Yeah, me too. (Rachel goes to hug MARK goodbye, but Ross continues holding Rachelís right hand, thus keeping the embrace from getting too personal) So, see ya on Saturday.
Rachel : Yeah, you bet. (as Ross looks stunned, Rachel leads him out of the room forcefully by the hand)
Monica : N- you know those are a delicacy in India.
Phoebe : Yah, that was Leslie, calling again to see if we can get back together. Itís like the twentieth time today (over her shoulder to the pager) yah, good luck, Leslie.
Monica : Wow. She musta hurt you pretty bad, huh?
Phoebe : Well, yah! Yíknow, we were best friends. Ever since we were little - our moms worked on the barge together.
Monica : Oh, you two must have been so cute running around on a barge!
Phoebe : (stern) You NEVER run on a barge.
Joey : (entering) Hey!
Monica : Hey.
Phoebe : Hey.
Joey : Is, uh, is Chandler around?
Monica : Nope, ummm, he met some girl at the coffeehouse.
Joey : Oooo!
Monica : Yeah, Ginger-something.
Joey : (with dread) Nooo. No, no! Uh, are you sure it wasnít something that *sounded* like Ginger, like, uh, uh, "Gingeer"?
Monica : No, it was Ginger. (laughs to herself) I remember because when he told me, I said (singing, from Gingerís line in the "Gilliganís Island" theme) "the movie star".
Joey : Oh, man! Thatís the girl I was hidiní from. When she finds out heís my roommate, sheís gonna tell him what I did.
Monica : Why, what did you do?
Joey : Ho, whoa, ho, no, no, I canít ... (sits down on the couch) I canít tell you that - itís, like, the most awful, horrible thing Iíve ever done in my whole life!
Monica : Yíknow what? Donít tell us. Weíll just wait ítil Chandler gets home, because it-, itíll be more fun that way.
Joey : Alright!
Monica : Okay. (she and Phoebe kneel behind the couch)
Joey : (exhales, exasperated) Okay - it was like four years ago. Okay, Ginger and I had gone out a few times, and then, this one weekend, we went up to her dadís cabin. Just me, her and ... (annoyed) her annoying little dog, Pepper - hehhh. Well, that night, I cooked this really romantic dinner ...
Monica : (standing up, interrupting) You gave her food poisoning!
Joey : I wish! After dinner, me, her and Pepper all fell asleep in front of the fire. Well, I woke up in the middle of the night, and I saw that the fire was dyiní out, so ... I picked up a log and threw it on ... or at least what I thought was a log.
Phoebe : (standing up, interrupting) Oh my god! You threw Pepper on the fire!
Joey : I wish! See, I guess another thing I ... probably shoulda toldja about Ginger is that she kinda has a, uh ... artificial leg.
Monica : (she and Phoebe stand simultaneously, covering their mouths) Oh my god! Joey, what did you do after you threw her leg on the fire?
Joey : I ran!
Ginger : (laughing) Actually, me too.
Chandler : (noticing Ginger has one foot in an icy puddle) Oh! Foot in the puddle. Foot all in the puddle.
Ginger : Oh, damn. I hate that.
Chandler : Yeah - weíre gonna have to get you out of those shoes.
Ginger : Oh, donít worry about it.
Chandler : No, really, y- youíre gonna freeze.
Ginger : No, Iím not, um ...
Chandler : Hah - youíre not? What are you, whadda you got, a bionic foot?
Ginger : (looking hopeful) Someday, maybe.
Ross : Hm? Oh, no, no, Iím just thinkiní about somethiní funny I heard today. (laughs) Um, Mar-, Mark saying, "Iíll see you Saturday".
Rachel : Yah, at the lecture.
Ross : Hm?
Rachel : I told you that last week, you said you didnít mind.
Ross : Oh, no-no-no, itís, itís not the lecture ... uh, I mind, ummm (laughs)
Rachel : Ughh, please tell me itís not ícuz Iím going with Mark.
Ross : (after a pause) Well ...
Rachel : (sensing the tone, in disbelief) Oh my god, Ross!
Ross : Well, Iím sorry, but I- ... look if youíre not workiní with him anymore, I- why do you still have to do stuff with him?
Rachel : Because heís my friend.
Ross : Okay, but do you really need another friend? I mean ...
Rachel : Okay, well, (with heavy sarcasm) if I stop playing with Joey and Chandler, can I play with Mark?
Ross : Is that funny? Am I supposed to be laughing?
Rachel : I donít know, you thought "see you Saturday" was funny. Look, honey, Mark is in fashion, okay? I like having a friend that I can share this stuff with. You guys would never want to go to a lecture with me ...
Ross : Píhaaaa! I would love to go with you.
Rachel : Really?
Ross : Yah! Hey, I- I have clothes. I even pick them out. I mean, for, for all you know, I could be a fashion ... monger.
Rachel : Okay. Honey, I would love for you to go with me. (Ross starts to look despondent) What?
Ross : What should I wear? Now Iím all nervous.
Phoebe : Itís yíknow ... (clears her throat) itís been a couple hours, and ... she hasnít called ... not that I even care, so ...
Monica : Phoebe, why donít you just call her? You obviously want to.
Phoebe : You think you know me so well.
Monica : Well, dontcha wanna?
Phoebe : Yeah.
Monica : Okay, so I do know you.
Phoebe : Thatís what I said.
Monica : Well, so?
Phoebe : I canít. I canít. She dumped me! I mean, I totally trusted her and then, one day, it was like, "okay, bye Pheebs" heh-heh, gone! Yíknow what the saddest part is? When we were playing together, that was like the most fun Iíve ever had, in, like, all my lives.
Phoebe : (entering suddenly) I stepped in something icky. (LESLIE lights up and continues with the chorus)
Leslie and Phoebe : "Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, always make me smile,
Sticky shoes, sticky shoes, next time Iíll ... avoid the ... pile!"
Ross : Iím really glad we came (she gives him a smile and returns to her notes) ... youíre so pretty (another smile) ... I love you. (after a smile, she puts her left hand over Rossís mouth while she continues taking notes with her right hand)
Leslie : Phew! Wow, thatís great!
Phoebe : Oh yeah?
Leslie : (excited, as she hops up to the arm of the couch) Yíknow, you could totally sell this! Itíd be perfect for like, um, a kitty litter campaign!
Phoebe : I-, a jingle? No, no-no-no, no ...
Leslie : W- why not? You make a ton of money!
Phoebe : Okay, w- if I was in this for the money, I would be a millionaire by now, yíknow? Yeah, you just gotta get out of that jingle-head, sweetie.
Leslie : Ahhh! Youíre right. Youíre right! Iím sorry. (sits back down on the couch)
Phoebe : Thatís okay.
Leslie : Okay.
Phoebe : Alright, Iím gonna play a song now thatís really, really sad.
Leslie : íkay.
Phoebe : Okay? Itís called "Magician Box Mix-up". (Phoebe flips her guitar so she can play it upside down)
Chandler : Hey.
Monica : Oh, can I borrow this? My milkís gone bad.
Chandler : Oh, I hate that. I once had a thing of half-and-half. Stole my car.
Monica : So, um ... how was your date with Ginger?
Chandler : (reacting unsteadily) Great. (clears his throat, gets up and cRosses to the fussball table to get another newspaper) It was great, sheís, uh, sheís great, great looking, great personality, sheís greatness.
Monica : Sounds like sheís got the, uh ... whole package.
Chandler : Joey told you about the leg, huh?
Monica : Uh-huh.
Chandler : Oh god. It freaked me out, okay? I know it shouldnít have, but it did. I mean, I like her, I donít want to stop seeing her, but every so often itís like, "hey, yíknow what? Whereís your leg?" I mean, Iím the smallest person in the world, arenít I? Iím the smallest person in the world.
Joey : (entering, in a robe) Morning.
Chandler : Actually, *heís* the smallest person in the world.
Joey : (to Chandler) Heard about the leg-burniní, huh?
Chandler : It came up.
Joey : Listen, I uh, I know itís a long shot, but, by any chance did she find that funny? (Chandler and Monica both leave, disgusted, the speed of their departures surprises Joey)
Rachel : "Nodded off"? Ross, you were snoring! My fatherís boat didnít make that much noise when it hit rocks!
Ross : Címon, forty-five minutes! Forty-five minutes - the man talked about strappy-backed dresses!
Rachel : Well, okay, how about four hours in a *freezing* museum auditorium, listening to Professor Pit-Stains and his "hey everybody, remember that thing thatís been dead for a gazillion years? Well, hereís a little bone we didnít know it had!"
Ross : First of all, itís "Professor Pittane", and second of all, that little bone proved that that particular dinosaur had wings (sticks out his arms like wings) but didnít fly. (abruptly puts his arms down at his sides)
Rachel : OK, see now, what I just heard: blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah, blah BLAH blah blah! (sticks out her arms, then abruptly puts her arms down at her sides)
Ross : You know what, a hundred million people went to see a movie about what *I* do. I wonder how many people would go see a movie called "Jurassic Parka".
Rachel : Oh, that is so ...
Ross : No-no-no, a bunch of out of control *jackets* take over an island (Ross makes an otherworldly sound and begins taking off his overcoat in a way that makes him look like he is struggling for his life, and he throws the overcoat on the couch when he is done and watches it carefully for a moment)
Rachel : Yíknow, if what I do is so lame, then why did you insist on coming with me this morning? Huh? Was it so I just wouldnít go with Mark?
Ross : No. I - I wanted to be with you. I dunno, I feel like, lately, I feel like youíre slippiní away from me, yíknow? With this new job, and all these new people, and - got this whole other life goiní on, and I - I know itís dumb, but I- I just hate that Iím not a part of it.
Rachel : (softening up) Thatís not dumb. But maybe itís okay that youíre not a part of it. You know what I mean? I mean, itís like I - I like that youíre not involved in that part of my life.
Ross : (sarcastically) Thatís a little clearer.
Rachel : Honey, see, it doesnít mean that I donít love you, because I do, I love you, I love you so much. But my work, itís - itís for me, yíknow? Iím out there, on my own, and Iím doing it, and itís scary, but I love it, because itís mine. I - but I mean is that okay?
Ross : Sure. (laughs and embraces Rachel, but appears to mouth the word "NO" behind her back)
Chandler : No. No, actually, I forgot, what is the deal with that again?
Ginger : (getting up from the table) Look, itís okay if it bothers you. Really, I mean the only thing I need to know is *how* much it bothers you, ícuz I donít like wasting my time. Am I wasting my time?
Chandler : No, no, I donít think so.
Ginger : Good. Itís just like anything else - you just have to get used to it. (they start to smooch and loosen their clothes as they sit on one of the recliners, suddenly Ginger stops with her hand on Chandlerís chest) Whatís that?
Chandler : Thatís, thatís my nubbin.
Ginger : Whatís a nubbin?
Chandler : (clears his throat) Itís kind of a, uh ... a third nipple kind of thing.
Ginger : Do you have three nipples?
Chandler : Well, yíknow, two regulars ... (clears his throat) and, uh, one that barely qualifies as a ... (Chandler goes to resume the kissing, but Ginger pulls away and gets up from the chair, as Chandler becomes nervous) Uh, what?
Ginger : (gathering her things and putting on her coat) Nothing, yíknow, I - I just remembered I have to leave.
Chandler : You, uh, you have (laughs) you have to leave, now? How come?
Ginger : Oh, well, itís nubbin (quickly correcting herself) NOTHING, um ... yíknow what, Iím, Iím, Iíll see you later, okay. (Ginger walks out of the apartment and shuts the door on a disoriented Chandler, and as soon as the door is shut, she shivers and reacts, gRossed out at the thought of Chandlerís nubbin)
Leslie : Címere, címere. (leads Phoebe to the right of the stage, taking her guitar away) Okay - donít get mad, okay? (flashes the "secret hand signal between friends" from earlier)
Phoebe : (pokes LESLIE in the stomach) Okay, donít give me a reason to get mad, okay? (flashes the hand signal back)
Leslie : Okay, okay. I played "Smelly Cat" for the people at my old ad agency, they went nuts.
Phoebe : No, look, I- I told you that I didnít want you to try and sell it, and ... you just, you big fat did it anyway.
Leslie : Oh.
Phoebe : God! You know what? I think five years ago, I probably would have done anything to play with you, but (taking her guitar back from LESLIEís hands) I can do it by myself, right, and if I canít trust you, then just forget it.
Leslie : No, no, I donít wanna forget it.
Phoebe : Okay, you know what? You have to choose, alright? If, if - the most important thing on the planet to you is this cat poopy thing, then ... okay, you can have "Smelly Cat", but we wonít be partners.
Leslie : Oh.
Phoebe : So whatís it gonna be?
Monica : Sorry, Pheebs.
Joey : Yeah. You okay?
Phoebe : Yeah. I actually am, yeah. íCuz you know lifeís, lifeís gonna hand you all kinds of stuff, yíknow, you learn your little lessons and hopefully, you grow. Wanna hear a new song?
Joey : (excited) Yeah! (kneels on the floor in front of Phoebe)
Monica : (excited) Oh, Iíd love to. (sits on the floor in front of Phoebe)
Phoebe : Okay.
Monica : Okay.
Phoebe : (singing) Jingle bitch screwed me over, go to hell, jingle whore, go to hell, go to hell, go to he-he-hell. (speaking) Thatís all I have so far.
Joey : Whereíve you been?
Chandler : The doctor.
Ross : Is everything okay?
Chandler : Oh yess ... just had me a little "nubbinectomy". Yuup - two nipples, no waiting!
Monica : Wow, itís like Rachel in high school! (Ross laughs)
Rachel : What??
Monica : Címon, címon, I was kidding, it was such an obvious joke!
Chandler : That *was* an obvious joke. And I didnít think of it - why didnít I think of it? (pointing to his chest, and considering his recent operation) The source of all my powers. Oh dear god, whatíve I done ?