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|Script Saison 5 Episode 15|
Titre US : The One With The Girl Who Hits Joey
Titre FR : Celui qui prenait des coups
Écrit par Adam Chase
Réalisé par Kevin S. Bright
Transcrit par Eric Aasen
Traduit par Laura Cynober et Michael Murat
Chandler: (To Monica) Wow! Listen, we had a good run. What was it? Four? Five months? I mean, thatís more than most people have in a lifetime! So, good-bye, take care, bye-bye then! (He kisses her and starts to climb out the balcony window.)
Monica: What are you doing?!
Chandler: Oh, Iím going on the lamb.
Monica: Come on Chandler, come on, I can handle Ross. (They go to the door. Ross is trying to stick his hand through and undo the chain; Monica pushes his hand back.) (To Ross) Hold on! (She opens the door.) Hey Ross. Whatís up bro?
(Ross spots Chandler and starts chasing him around the kitchen table. Chandler runs and hides behind Monica.)
Ross: What the hell are doing?!!
Rachel: (running from the guyís apartment with Joey in tow) Hey, whatís-whatís going on?!
Chandler: Well, I think, I think Ross knows about me and Monica.
Joey: (panicking) Dude! Heís right there!
Ross: (To Chandler) I thought you were my best friend, this is my sister! My best friend and my sister! I-I cannot believe this!
Chandler: Look, weíre not just messing around! I love her. Okay, Iím in love with her.
Monica: Iím so sorry that you had to find out this way. Iím sorry, but itís true, I love him too.
(Thereís a brief pause.)
Ross: (happily) My best friend and my sister! I cannot believe this. (He hugs them both.) (To Joey and Rachel) You guys probably wanna get some hugs in too, huh? Big news!
Rachel: Awww, no, itís okay, weíve actually known for a while.
(Thereís another pause as Ross gets angry again.)
Ross: What? What? What?! You guys knew? (Joey and Rachel backup against the door.) You all knew and you didnít tell me?!!
Rachel: Well, Ross, we were worried about you. We didnít know how you were going to react.
Ross: (happily again) You were worried about me? You didnít know how I was going to react? (He hugs them both.)
Joey: Okay, all right, whew! What do you say we all clear out of here and let these two lovebirds get back down to business? (Ross turns and glares at him.) Hey-hey-hey, I-I-Iím just talking here, he-heís the one doing your sister.
Chandler: (interrupting) Whoa-whoa-whoa! Weíre having kids?!
Joey: (quickly) I call Godfather!
Ross: You canít just call Godfather. Donít you think her brother should be Godfather?
Joey: Sure, if you cared enough to call it first.
Monica: Guys, youíre a few steps ahead of us.
Chandler: Yeah, big zero gravity moon steps.
Rachel: Oh! Oh, I just thought of the greatest wedding gift to get you.
Phoebe: Ooh, Iíll go in on that with you! I couldnít think of anything.
(A girl enters.)
Joey: (to her) Oh, hey Katie! Everyone, this is Katie.
Joey: So, are you ready to go?
Katie: Yeah, I just gotta run to the bathroom.
Joey: Oh sure, right back there. (Points.)
Katie: Hey, where are we going to lunch?
Joey: I was thinking Chinese food.
Katie: Ohh, I love Chinese! How did you know I love Chinese?! (She hits him repeatedly as she says that.)
(She heads to the bathroom and Joey sits back down.)
Rachel: She is so cute! You could fit her right in your little pocket!
Joey: I donít know. I mean I like her a lot, and sheís really nice, but...
Monica: But what?
Joey: (shyly) She keeps punching me.
(They all laugh.)
Monica: In that cute, little, sweet way she just did?
Joey: Hey, itís a lot harder than it looks! Okay? (Quietly) She-she-sheís hurting me.
Monica: I know what you need, you need a bodyguard. Hey Ross, what is Ben doing after preschool?
Chandler: Hey listen, come on, Joey is having a problem! A little girl is beating him up.
Rachel: Aww, Joey, come here. (She takes his hand.) Look honey, I know this must be really, really difficult for you and I--Oh, Iím sorry. Am I hurting you?
Phoebe: Hey! I brought you some house warming gifts.
Phoebe: Yeah. Salt, so your life always has flavor.
Phoebe: Bread, so you never go hungry.
Phoebe: And a scented candle for the bathroom, because well, yíknow.
Ross: Thanks. Thanks. And thanks again.
(The door across the hall opens and a guy walks into Rossís apartment.)
Guy: Welcome to the building. Iím uh, Steve Sarah; Iím president of the tenants committee.
Ross: Oh hi! Ross Geller. And this is my friend Phoebe.
Steve: Oh hi Phoebe.
Phoebe: Mr. President.
Steve: I came to talk to you about Howard.
Steve: Yeah, heís the handy man. Heís gonna be retiring next week and everyone who lives here is kicking in a 100 bucks as a thank you for all the hard work type of thing.
Ross: Oh thatís nice.
Steve: Yeah. So, do you want to give a check? Or...
Ross: Oh. Uhh...
Steve: Oh look, you donít have to give it too me right now! You can slip it under my door. (Points to his apartment across the hall.)
Ross: No-no, itís not that, itís just... I-I just moved in.
Steve: Well, the guyís worked here for 25 years.
Ross: Yes, but Iíve lived here for 25 minutes.
Steve: Oh, okay, I get it. (Starts to leave.)
Ross: No wait, look. Look! Iím sorry, itís just Iíve never even met Howard. I-I mean I donít know Howard.
Steve: Howardís the handy man!
Ross: Yes but too me heís just, man.
Steve: Okay, fine, whatever. Welcome to the building. (Exits.)
Ross: (To Phoebe) Ugh, can you believe that guy!
Phoebe: Yeah. I really like his glasses.
Chandler: (To Rachel) Sounds like a fun party.
Rachel: Hmm. Look, Ross, if you want your neighbors to like you, why donít you just pay the hundred bucks? The partyís gonna cost you way more than that.
Ross: It doesnít matter! Itís my principles! Weíre talking about my principles!
Rachel: Okay, I thought it was about your neighbors liking you.
Ross: Oh, theyíll like me. Once they come to my awesome PAR-TAY! Okay, I gotta run. I gotta go get some nametags. (Exits.)
Rachel: And that crazy party animal will be your brother-in-law.
Chandler: Very, very funny, but donít say things like that in front of Monica. I donít want you putting any ideas in her head.
Rachel: Umm, Chandler, you do realize that those ideas are probably already in Monicaís head.
Rachel: Well, because she loves you and because you love her.
Chandler: Yeah, so, whatís that supposed to mean?!
Rachel: Hey, Chandler, donít freak out! Iím telling you something you already know! Come on, she broke up with Richard because he didnít want to have babies. And sheís a woman, and sheís almost 30, and yíknow itís Monica.
Chandler: I donít see it that way. Okay? Because, I see two Monicas, the one that was my friend, who lived across the hall, and wanted to have a lot of babies and then the new Monica, who I just started to date. Now, whoís to say what she wants?! Iím right. Iím right. Am I right?
Rachel: No, youíre right, you are absolutely right. I mean that makes, that makes everything different.
Chandler: Okay. Itís not different at all, is it?
Rachel: Not unless different means the same.
Joey: (sets the coffee down) Yíknow, breadstick fangs are always funny.
Katie: No, you make them funny. Youíre the funny one! (She punches him again and he retreats to the arm of the couch.)
Joey: Uhh, look Katie, uh listen, we-we need to talk. Okay? Umm, look I like you. I-I really do, I like you a lot. Okay? But sometimes when you, when you playfully punch me like that it-it feels like someoneís hitting me with a very tiny but very real bat.
Katie: Aww, like I could hurt you. Are you making fun of my size? Donít make fun of me because of my size! (She punches him again and almost knocks him off the arm of the couch.)
Monica: Couldnít you just stay like this forever? (His eyes snap open.) Chandler! Couldnít you just stay here forever?
Chandler: Yeah, here, somewhere else, yíknow where-where ever. (Gets up.)
Monica: Are you okay?
Chandler: Yeah, Iím cool. Casual.
Monica: What-what are you doing?
Chandler: Iím just hanging out. Yíknow, having fun. Yíknow with the girl that Iím seeing casually.
Monica: Man, I knew it! I knew you were going to do this!!
Monica: Get all freaked out because everybody was talking and just joking around about marriage and stuff.
Chandler: Well, you do want all that stuff, right?
Monica: Oh and you know what I want!
Chandler: Yes! You want babies! You have baby fever!
Monica: I do not have baby fever!
Chandler: Oh please, you are obsessed with babies and-and marriage and everything thatís related to babies and-and marriage! Iíve got an idea, why donít we turn down the heat on this pressure cooker?!
Monica: Have you lost your mind? Chandler, this isnít about me! This is about you and all your weird relationship commitment crap!
Chandler: Nah-uh! I know you! Okay? I know the thoughts that you have in the head--in your head!
Monica: You donít know everything. Did you know that Iím going out with Rachel tonight instead of you? Hmm? And did you know that the only baby around here is you?! And did you know that I canít even look at you right now?! (She storms out.)
Chandler: Well, I did not know that.
Ross and Joey: Oh yeah, yeah, sure. Absolutely.
Chandler: By me?
Ross: Oh, no!
Ross: Well, unless you make some kind of big gesture.
Joey: Yeah, big!
Joey: Uh-oh, shht! The Misses.
Monica: Gunther, can I get a coffee (Looks at Chandler) to go?
Chandler: Monica. (Goes to talk to her.)
Monica: Iím still not done not wanting to talk to you.
Chandler: Just tell me what I need to do to make things right.
Chandler: Well, thatís what we do. Yíknow, I-I mess up and then you tell me how to fix it and then I do and then yíknow you think Iím all cute again.
Monica: Really? Iím really tired of being your relationship tutor. Youíre gonna have to figure this one for yourself. All right? Yíknow what? If youíre too afraid to be in a real relationship, then donít be in one. (She walks out.)
(Chandler turns to watch her go and then sees Ross and Joey both with huge grimaces on their faces.)
Ross: Phoebe! (He grabs her arm to get her attention.)
Phoebe: Oh, hi Ross!
Ross: What are you doing?
Phoebe: Oh, I thought this was your party and it turns out itís a party for Howard. Heís just the sweetest little man! (A guest walks up to her.)
Guest #1: See ya Phoebe! Oh and hey, thanks for chipping in!
Ross: You chipped in?!
Phoebe: Yeah, uh-huh, a 100 dollars.
Ross: Phoebe! I canít believe you gave them money! I thought you agreed it was totally unreasonable that they asked me for that money!
Phoebe: Yeah, but they didnít ask me! Yíknow? This way Iím just yíknow, the exotic, generous stranger. Thatís always fun to be.
Ross: Yeah, but youíre making me look bad!
Phoebe: No Iím not. No! If anything Iím making you look better! Theyíll see you talking to me and thatís--Iím a hit!
Steve: (walking up) Oh hey, Pheebs!
Steve: Oh hey, Ross. Umm, see, I was thinking maybe you two could switch apartments because Phoebeís more our kind of people. Something to think about. (Walks away.)
(Ross turns and glares at Phoebe.)
Phoebe: Yeah, okay, my bad.
Rachel: Hi! Wow! You look, you look...big.
Joey: Thanks! Iíve been working out. Hey listen, is it obvious that Iím wearing six sweaters?
Rachel: Uhhh, yeah. But itís not obvious why.
Joey: Well look, Iím breaking up with Katie so I had to put on some extra padding. Yíknow? I mean, if she hits me when sheís happy, can you imagine how hard sheís gonna hit me when I tell her Iím taking away the Joey love?
Katie: (entering) Hi!
Joey: Hey! Hiya!
Rachel: Hey! Hey, cute jacket!
Katie: Oh, thanks! Thatís so sweet! (She punches Rachel like she punched Joey.)
Rachel: Oh! Ow! (Joey motions, "You see what I mean?!")
Katie: Oh, ow! Did Joey tell you to say that? You guys, (Punches Joey) are too much! (Punches Rachel.)
Rachel: Whoa! (Laughs) Yíknow what Katie? I gotta tell ya I-I-I-I think you are the one who is too much. (She punches Katie back.)
Katie: Ohh, Joey has the nicest friends! (She punches Rachel.)
Rachel: Ohh, and the nicest girlfriend! (She retaliates.)
Katie: Youíre so sweet! (Punches Rachel yet again.)
Rachel: Ohh, youíre so sweet! (She kicks Katie in the shin.)
Katie: Oww!!!! Joey, she just kicked me.
Katie: Well? Arenít you gonna do something?
Katie: Youíd better do something, or Iím gonna walk out that door right now! Well? Are you gonna?
(She looks at Rachel and storms out. After sheís left Joey hugs Rachel in thanks.)
Phoebe: (ignoring him and continuing her conversation) Thatís what Iím saying. (Laughs.)
Ross: (tapping her on the shoulder) Phoebe? Phoebe?
Phoebe: Ooh. (Turns to him.)
Ross: Look, this is a disaster! Canít I please just go?
Phoebe: No! No! Iím talking you up to people. Just give it a little time, all right? Relax, get something to eat! Okay?
(They go to the food table.)
Ross: So uh, what did you tell them about me?
Phoebe: Oh, I was telling them about you and Emily. Yíknow, try to get some sympathy.
Ross: Ohh. (He cuts himself a piece of cake.)
Phoebe: But somehow you came off as the bad guy.
Phoebe: Yeah, I think I told it wrong. Yíknow, we should talk about that because I donít totally understand what happened there.
Ross: (trying a piece of cake) Ohh, this cake is really good!
Phoebe: Oh, okay, see? Things are looking up already!
Guest #2: (sees the cake) Oh my God! Someone cut Howardís cake! (Ross tries dumping it into a nearby plant.) Who would do a think like that?
(Steve goes over to look at Ross whoís trying to look cool, but has some frosting on his lip.)
All: Oh yeah, aww!
Steve: Okay, you got your free food! You ruined everyoneís fun! Donít you think itís time you went home?!
Guest #3: Yeah, leave!
All: Yeah, get out! Now!
Steve: Go back to 3-B, 3-B!
Phoebe: All right, everyone calm down! Everyone calm down! I have something that I would like to say! Who here likes Ross? (Ross is the only one who raises his hand and Phoebe glares at him to put his hand back down.) Of course you donít like him! He-he didnít give you any money, he raised his own hand when I asked, "Who hear likes Ross," and heís wearing two nametags! (He takes one off.) I-Iíll be honest with you guys, when I first met Ross I didnít like him at all! But then once I got to know him I saw that heís really sweet and caring and very generous. I mean, all Iím saying is donít judge Ross before you get to know him all right? I mean, I like all you guys now, but when I first meet you yíknow Kurt, I thought, yíknow abrasive drunk, umm Lola, mind numbingly stupid! And okay, you guys (She turns to an elderly gentleman and a 20 something woman, whoíre a couple.) (To the girl) Gold-digger, (To the old guy) cradle robbing perv! So, I think you all know what I mean.
Ross: Oh wow, yeah! See, I did not get that.
Monica: (raising her hand) Iím Monica.
Chandler: I need to talk to you, itís urgent!
Chandler: Okay, Iíve been doing a lot of thinking about us, yíknow a lot of uhh, us thinking. And uh, well I guess thereís only one-one way to do this. (He slowly and awkwardly gets down on one knee.)
Monica: Wait what-wh-wh-what are you doing?!
Chandler: (getting out a ring box) Monica...
Monica: No-no, donít-donít-donít do it!
Chandler: Will you marry me?
(Phoebe hides her eyes in shame. Rachel is starring at them wide-eyed and open-mouthed. Joey and Ross are stunned to temporary silence.)
Ross: Oh-no. No. No.
Joey: What a bad idea!
Rachel: Ohhhh, I cannot look at it! (She doesnít move.)
Monica: Chandler, why are you doing this?
Chandler: I donít know. But I know Iím not afraid to do this.
Chandler: Iím doing this because Iím sorry?
Monica: Do you umm, you really think the best reason to get married is because youíre sorry?
Chandler: No, the best reason to get married is pregnancy. Sorry is pretty much fourth yíknow, behind being ready and actually wanting to get married. (Laughs.) Will you be my wife?
Monica: (kneels with him) Chandler, umm, I want you to take just a minute and I want you to think about how ridiculous this sounds.
Chandler: Yeah, Iím kinda wishing everyone wasnít here right now.
Monica: Honey! Do you know that none of that stuff came from me?! I mean I never said I wanted to have babies and get married right now!
Chandler: Yeah I know, but I was really confused and then I talked to these guys. (Turns to look at Ross and Joey.)
Monica: Who? Two divorces and Joey?!
Joey: Sheís right yíknow.
Ross: Yeah, but still, cheap shot!
Monica: Yíknow what? Yíknow when I said that I want you to deal with this relationship stuff all on your own? Well, youíre not ready for that.
Chandler: I didnít think I was!
Monica: Oh my God, what would have done if I said yes?
Chandler: Well I wouldíve been happy because I wouldíve be able to spend the rest of my life with the woman that I love. Or, you wouldíve seen a Chandler shaped hole in that door. (Points at the door.)
Ross: No, I will not!
Joey: Oh, itís okay. You donít have to be so mean about it.
Ross: Youíre right, Iím sorry. Will you marry me?
(They all laugh.)
Phoebe: Aw, and I was gonna ask you to marry me because I forgot to say hello to you last week.
Rachel: Oh no wait Pheebs, I think for something like that you just ask them to move in with you. But Iím not sure, Chandler?
Chandler: Okay, how long is this going to go on.
Monica: Well I think the length of teasing is directly related to how insane you were so, a long time.
Ross: This is fun. Hey Rach, remember that whole "We were on a break thing?" Well, Iím sorry, will you marry me? (Laughs--whines as he sees that no one is laughing. Theyíre just staring at him in shock.)
Chandler: Thatís not funny.
Joey: Thatís not funny at all!
(They all get up and leave.)