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|Script Saison 9 Episode 14|
Titre US : The One With The Blind Date
Titre FR : Celui qui se faisait poser un lapin
Écrit par Sherry Bilsing-Graham et Ellen Plummer
Réalisé par Gary Halvorson
Transcrit par Marita Bakken
Traduit par Sabrina Boully
Joey: Morning, roomie!
Rachel: Hey! You remembered to put clothes on this morning.
Joey: Fifth dayís a charm.
Rachel: Oh, Joey, itís so great to be back here. I gotta tell you, youíre making it so easy on me and Emma.
Joey: Hey, itís great having you back. You know, stay as long as you want, and when does she stop crying all night?
Ross: Hey, youíre not naked! So hey, Rach, when will we expect to see you tonight?
Rachel: Well, Iíll probably be back to pick her up around six, but sheís in the bedroom all ready to go. But she did actually fall back to sleep, so...
Joey: Sheís probably exhausted from all that adorable screaming she did last night.
Ross: Bye! Hey, I hope Emma isnít making it too hard on you.
Joey: No, hey, itís been great.
Joey: Yeah. And look, I just want you to know that with Rachel staying here and everything, all my feelings from before are totally over, okay? And even if they werenít, when you accidentally walk in on a woman using a breast pump...
Ross: Yeah, thatíll do it.
Joey: Wow! So, how are you?
Ross: Iím, Iím okay.
Ross: Sure, I mean, do I wish me and Rachel living together would have worked out? Of course. You know, Iím disappointed, but itís not like itís a divorce.
Joey: Well, actually it...
Ross: No, itís not a divorce, it is not a divorce! Anyway, I think Rachel and I need to, you know, get on with our lives, maybe, maybe start seeing other people.
Joey: Wow, really?
Ross: Yeah, sure, why not? In fact, if you know anyone that would be good for me...
Joey: Sure, I know lots of girls.
Ross: Yeah? Any names come to mind?
Joey: Ooh, names?
Joey: Hey. I was just gonna get something to eat. You want something?
Phoebe: What you got?
Joey (checks the refrigerator): Okay, letís see, we got strained peas, strained carrots... Ooh! Strained plums. We havenít tried that yet.
Phoebe: Goodie! Thanks. So, how is it living with Rachel again? I mean, apart from the great food.
Joey: Iím fine, Iím fine, itís just, itís just weird whatís happening with her and Ross. You know, yesterday he asked me to fix him up with somebody.
Phoebe: Oh my god, Rachel asked me if I knew anyone for her too.
Joey: Why are they doing this?
Phoebe: I donít know. Theyíre so perfect for each other; itís crazy.
Joey: You know whatís crazy? These jars. What is it, like two bites in here?
Phoebe: I just wish theyíd realise they should be together.
Joey: I know, I know. And when they moved back in together, I figured yíknow, thatís where things were headed.
Phoebe: I know. They should be a family. They should get married and have more children.
Joey: Yes, and they should name one of their kids Joey. I may not have kids; someoneís gotta carry on the family name.
Phoebe: You know what? Maybe once they start dating, and they see whatís out there, theyíll realise how good they are for each other.
Joey: Yeah, because it is slim pickings. I had this date last night: Yuck! But we should probably keep it down; sheís still in the bedroom.
Phoebe: So, what are we gonna do? Are we just gonna go ahead and set them up with people?
Joey: I know; that just pushes them further and further apart.
Phoebe: Yeah. (BEAT) Oh, I know what we can do. We could set Ross and Rachel up on horrible dates, so that theyíll realise how good they are together.
Joey: Ooh, thatís a great plan!
Phoebe: Yeah, you know what the best part of it is? I get to do my "plan-laugh." (A maniacal laugh follows.)
(They both start laughing really loudly.)
Joey: Shhh! Not so loud, we donít wanna wake up, uh...
(He looks at his bedroom door, but he canít remember the name of the girl.)
Rachel: You guys arenít doing anything tonight, are you?
Chandler: See, now, why would you assume that? Just because weíre married? I will have you know that we are very hip, happening people. Now, if youíll excuse me, I have to get back to reading the obituaries.
Rachel: I was just asking ícause I need someone to watch Emma tonight.
Monica: Sure, weíll do that. What are you up to?
Rachel: Well, Phoebe set me up on a date.
Monica: Oh my god.
Rachel: Why? Whatís the big deal?
Monica: Just figured, ícause you and Ross are...
Rachel: What, slept together a year and a half ago? Yeah, Iím all set.
Chandler: Well, I think itís great that youíre going on a date, you know? I mean, it sounds healthy. I mean, you have needs. Embrace your womanhood!
Monica: You want a job? Turn off "Oprah," and send out a resume!
Rachel: So Iíll bring her by around seven? Is that okay?
Monica: Oh, itís perfect.
Rachel: Oh, you guys are gonna have so much fun! Sheís at such a cute age. Oh, a couple things. Now that sheís eating solid food, she poops around the clock. And watch out for your hair, ícause she likes to grab it. And oh, sheís also in this phase where if you leave the room, she screams bloody murder, but ah... Thanks, you guys. Have fun!
Chandler (reading the newspaper): Suddenly I wish I was reading my own name.
Phoebe: Ooh, Joey.
Phoebe: Hey. Iím so excited; I just set up Rachel with the worst guy tonight.
Joey: All right! Who is he?
Phoebe: Well, itís this guy I used to massage. And by massage, I mean hold down so he wouldnít turn over and flash me.
Joey (gives a thumbs up sign): Okay, okay. Wait till you hear who I got for Ross.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah.
(They sit down on the couch.)
Joey: Sheís this really boring woman. Sheís a teacher!
Phoebe: A teacher?
Joey: Yeah, yeah, sheís really into history and foreign movies... And oh, oh, she loves puzzles. Huh? Come on, who loves puzzles?
Phoebe: Well, Ross does. What... Youíre - youíre ruining the plan! Joey, youíve - youíve fixed him up with his perfect woman!
Joey: Oh my god, youíre right!
Joey: She even reads for pleasure!
Phoebe: How do you even know a woman like that?
Joey: What? Iím not allowed to know smart women?
Joey: I met her at the library. I went in to pee.
Phoebe: So now what do we do?
Joey: Well, okay, Iíll - Iíll just call her and tell her the dateís cancelled, and find him somebody else.
Phoebe: What if we donít find him somebody else? Weíll just tell her the dateís off, but we donít tell Ross, and he goes to the restaurant and gets stood up!
Joey: Ooh...I hear thatís bad.
Phoebe: Ooh, so this is great! Rachelís gonna have a terrible date, Ross gets stood up, and then theyíll realise how good they have it together.
Joey: Ah, yes, The Plan! (Laughs loudly again, but he sounds more like Santa Claus.)
Phoebe: Itís not Santaís plan. No, itís... (Laughs the real "plan-laugh.")
(They both start laughing again.)
Joey: Yeah, you know, itís not that fun.
Phoebe: No, I think we killed it.
Chandler: Emma? Emma? Look at me! Well, I think Iíll go downstairs for a while.
(He does the ancient trick of going downstairs while behind the couch. As soon as heís out of sight, Emma starts crying.)
Chandler: No, no, no, no! No, no, no, no! Itís okay, itís okay. I didnít go. Donít cry, itís just a bit! Iím your uncle Chandler; funny is all I have!
(Monica enters from their bedroom with a calendar.)
Monica: Okay, just so you know, Iím gonna be ovulating from tomorrow until the sixth, so donít touch yourself in the next 48 hours.
Chandler: I donít do that.
(Monica looks at him.)
Chandler: Iíll try to stop. Wait, did you say until the sixth?
Chandler: Today is the sixth.
Monica: No, itís not.
(Points at the calendar.)
Chandler: Yes, itís also 2003.
Monica: Oh my god. Todayís the sixth?! I may be done ovulating! I may have also served some very questionable meat at the restaurant.
Chandler: Itís okay. Go take the test and see if weíre okay.
(She runs to the bathroom, while Chandler starts acting like a chicken in front of Emma. Emma is silent, however.)
Chandler: Tough crib.
Monica: Hey, where are all my ovulation-sticks? Thereís only one here.
Chandler: I might have checked to see if I was ovulating a couple times.
Chandler: I am not working. Thereís not much to do around here!
Ross: Excuse me, is there a woman waiting at the bar? Someone average height, dark hair, perhaps doing a puzzle?
Waiter: Uh, thereís a drunk Chinese guy.
Ross: Well, if Iím still here in an hour, buy him a drink on me.
Waiter: Can I get you another glass of wine?
Ross: Nah, I donít know if I should. I donít wanna be drunk when I go home alone.
Waiter: Got stood up, huh?
Ross: Yeah, itís no big deal. Itís just a blind date.
Waiter: Are you worried your date came, saw you, and left?
(The waiter leaves.)
Monica: Weíre okay. Iím still ovulating.
Chandler: Oh, good, because as of four oíclock this afternoon, I am not.
Monica: So, letís do this.
Chandler: I - I donít think I can.
Monica: Come on. I know youíre not eighteen anymore, but give it a minute.
Chandler: Because of Emma.
Monica: Oh my god, Emma. Oh, sweetie, I forgot you were here. Oh, youíre right, we canít do this. We canít leave her alone.
Monica: Unless... Maybe we do it here. I mean, how much can she even be aware of at this age?
Chandler: Well, sheís aware when we leave the room. She may notice if we start... canoodling in it.
Chandler: Well, I canít say "hump" or "screw" in front of the B-A-B-Y.
Monica: I donít know. I mean, I guess having sex in front of a baby isnít so...
Chandler: Horrifying? Scarring? Something people go to jail for?
Monica: I guess youíre right.
Chandler: You guess Iím right? When we stayed at that bed and breakfast, you wouldnít have sex with me because you thought a deer was staring through the window.
Monica: But what kind of a sick bastard wants to do it in front of a deer?
Rachel: Wow, everything looks so good! I think Iím gonna have the chicken.
Steve (staring at Rachel): I - I just have to say this; youíre really beautiful.
Rachel: Oh, well, thatís - thatís very sweet. Thank you.
Steve: Iím kind of funny looking.
Steve: Oh, come on, youíre way out of my league. Everybody in here knows it. Bet that guy over thereís probably saying, "ooh, why she out with him? He must be rich!" Well, Iím not!
Rachel (feeling awkward): So, what do think you wanna order? Iím really excited about that chicken.
Steve: Iím not funny either. So, if you were thinking, "well, heís not that good-looking, but maybe weíll have some laughs"... That ainít gonna happen.
Rachel: Well, come on, Steve; letís not rule out nervous laughter. Hey, now wait a minute. Phoebe told me that - that you owned your own restaurant. Thatís impressive.
Steve: I lost it. To drugs.
(Steve makes a face as if his mouth is too dry.)
Steve: I silk-screen t-shirts now.
Rachel: Really? Whatís that like?
Steve: Itís really fulfilling doing something you hate for no money. Thatís right. I have no money, Iím not funny, I live in a studio apartment with two other guys, and Iím pretty sure Iím infertile.
Rachel (awkward chuckle): Now, come on, come on, Steve. There must be something that you like about yourself.
Steve: I do like my hair.
(Rachel is still at the restaurant, but Steve is gone.)
Rachel: Phoebe, itís me. Iím going to hunt you down and kill you!
Phoebe: Hey, Rach!
Rachel: This is the worst date ever. How could you set me up with this creep?
Phoebe: You know, you are talking about one of my dear, dear friends.
Rachel: I donít care! This guy is a nightmare!
Phoebe: Oh, right, so he gets a little crazy when heís stoned.
Rachel: Heís not stoned.
Phoebe: Did he go out for a cigarette?
Rachel: Yeah, four times.
Phoebe: My dear, sweet Rach.
(Rachel hangs up in disgust.)
Phoebe (to Joey): Well, our plan is working. Rachel is having a miserable time, and Ross is just stood up somewhere at a restaurant all alone.
Joey: Oh, great, pretty soon theyíll be back together.
Phoebe: By the time anyoneís figured out what weíve done, weíll be in sunny Mexico. (BEAT) Oh, wait, thatís the end of a different plan.
Monica: Sheís asleep. Chandler?
(Chandler wakes up and looks a bit confused when he finds that he has a pacifier in his mouth.)
Monica: What are you doing?
Chandler: Emma was doing it!
Monica: Sheís asleep.
Chandler: Ooh, sheís asleep, that means we can...
Monica: Yes, but we have to be fast.
Chandler (laughs): Okay, Iíll try. And you canít make any noise.
Monica (laughs): Okay, Iíll try.
(They run to the bedroom and close the door carefully just as Joey enters.)
(Emma starts making noises, and Joey walks over to her playpen.)
Joey: Emma? Hey! Hi!
(He picks her up.)
Joey: How are ya? How are ya? Where are your babysitters, huh? Whyís the bedroom door closed?
(He walks over, but just before he knocks on the door, he hears some moans and looks shocked.)
Joey: You canít have S-E-X, when youíre taking care of the B-A-B-I-E!
(He walks out quickly with Emma in his arms.)
Waiter: Iíve got bad news. The Chinese guy left.
Ross: Eh, if it was meant to be, itís meant to be.
Waiter: Look; you got stood up, who cares? Weíre gonna show you a good time. Just sit and relax. In fact, let me bring you a crab cake appetizer on the house.
Ross: Wow, free crab cakes. Well, thatís nice. Although I was hoping to have sex tonight.
(Ross sees the waiter looking at him.)
Ross: Just the crab cakes.
(Meanwhile, another waiter has come up to the first waiter.)
Waiter #2: What are you doing? Are you trying to get him to stay? Because you canít do that.
Waiter: Just get out of here, okay?
Ross: Whatís - whatís going on?
Waiter: Eh, okay, the waiters have a little pool going. We have a bet on how long itíll take before you give up and go home.
Ross: What? You - youíre making money off my misery?
Waiter: Well, if you stay till 9:20, I am.
Ross: This is unbelievable. I - I have never been so insulted in my life. Now, if youíll wrap up my free crab cakes, Iíll be on my way.
Monica: Well, that was weird. You were loud, and I was fast.
Chandler: I think we may have really done it this time.
Monica: Oh, I wish I didnít have to wait to take a pregnancy test.
Chandler: You may wanna get some more of those too.
(They walk over to the playpen.)
Chandler: Whereís Emma?
Monica: Oh my god, whereís Emma? Whereís Emma?
Chandler: Donít ask me, I was in there canoodling you!
Monica: Okay, okay, Iím sure that Rachel came home early and picked up Emma. You go look across the hall, and Iíll call her cell.
Chandler: Okay. (Runs out.)
Monica: Hey, you better hope that weíre pregnant, because one way or another, weíre giving a baby back to Rachel.
Steve (sobbing): I - I canít believe Iím crying in front of you. You must think Iím so pathetic.
Rachel: No, no, no, I admire a man who can cry.
(He puts his hand on her shoulder.)
Rachel: Donít touch my coat!
(Her cell phone rings.)
Rachel: Oh, sorry, itís my phone. Hello?
Monica (on phone): Hey, Rach, howís it going?
Rachel: Oh my god, this is the worst date ever!
(Steve starts crying loudly.)
Rachel (to Steve): Look, you know what, Iím sorry, but did you really think that this was going well? (To Monica.) Whatís up?
Monica: Hey, did you stop by here?
Monica: Oh my god, then...
(Joey and Chandler enter with Emma.)
Monica: Oh, thank god! Emma, there you are!
Rachel: What? What do you mean, "there you are"? Where was she?
Monica: Oh, we were playing "peek-a-boo." She just Ė she loves it when Iím dramatic.
(Monica hangs up, and Rachel looks at her phone.)
Monica (to Joey): Why the hell did you take her?
Joey: Because you two were having sex!
Monica: No, we werenít!
Joey: Donít you lie to me! I could tell by Chandlerís hair. (To Chandler.) You are so lazy. Canít you get on top for once?
Chandler: All right, all right, we were. We were trying to make a baby. Monicaís ovulating.
Joey: Hey! It is unacceptable that you two would have sex with Emma in the next room. Iím gonna have to tell Rachel about this.
(Joey starts to leave.)
Chandler: No, no, no.
Monica: No, please donít. Please, Joey. She will kill us!
Joey: Hey, I gotta! Unless...
Monica: Unless what?
Joey: Unless you name your firstborn child Joey.
Chandler: What? Why?
Joey: Hey, I may never have kids, and somebodyís gotta carry on my family name.
Chandler: Your family name is Tribbiani.
Joey: (BEAT) (Laughs.) You almost had me.
Rachel: Well, uh...
Steve: Look, I think I know the answer to this question, but... Would you like to make love to me?
Rachel: Really, really not.
Steve: Eh, itís just as well. Doesnít work anyway.
Rachel: All right, well thatís good to know. Good night, Steve.
(She walks over to Central Perk and enters to find Ross sitting on the couch, eating crab cakes. She takes off her coat while groaning and shuddering.)
Ross: Hey, whatís wrong?
Rachel: I just had a rough night.
Ross: Oh. Crab cake?
Ross: Well, what happened?
Rachel: Oh, well, I...Itís kind of weird talking to you about this, but...
Ross: Monica told me you had a blind date.
Ross: I did, too.
Ross: But is it technically a date if the other person doesnít show up?
Rachel: Oh, oh no. Do you think she walked in, saw you and left?
Ross: Why does everyone keep saying that?
Rachel: Well, if it makes you feel any better, I wish my date hadnít shown up.
Ross: That bad?
Rachel: Well, he makes t-shirts for a living, and he thought it would be appropriate to give me this.
(She holds up a black t-shirt with "FBI - Female Body Inspector" on the front.)
Ross: Female body inspector? What size is that?
[Cut to outside. Phoebe and Joey are walking down the street to Central Perk.]
Phoebe: Now, wait a minute. So, theyíre gonna name their first child Joey?
Phoebe: How - how do I get them to name the next one after me?
Joey: Itís easy, you just walk in on them having sex.
Phoebe: Oh, so they owe me like, three Phoebes.
(Phoebe sees Rachel and Ross through the window.)
Phoebe: Oh my god! Look, itís Ross and Rachel. Oh, the plan is working.
(Joey does the "plan-laugh.")
Phoebe: Donít, donít do the plan-laugh.
Ross: The first date weíve had in months, and they were both such disasters.
Rachel: Oh. Huh. You know, it is weird that Phoebe would set me up on a date that was awful on the same night that Joey set you up on a date that didnít even show.
Ross: Wait a minute; you donít think it was intentional? I mean, thatís just stupid.
[Cut to outside Central Perk.]
Joey: Weíre geniuses! Yeah, look at them, look at them, theyíre really bonding.
Phoebe: Oh, yeah, theyíre falling in love all over again.
(Rachel and Ross turn around and look at Phoebe and Joey with puzzled expressions on their faces.)
Phoebe: Oh, they see us! Oh, they, they look mad. Oh, they figured it out. Theyíre coming this way. Run!
(They run down the street with Ross and Rachel following right behind them.)
Joey: Can you believe theyíre still not here?
Ross: I know. A double blind date, and we both get stood up. What are the chances?
Joey: I know, Iím so bummed. Can we have our free crab cakes now?
Joey: Weíve been stood up. (sniffles) And we want our free crab cakes.
Waiter: Guys, give it a rest. Nobodyís betting on you tonight. Although we do have a pool going to see how long it takes that guy to cry.
(He points at Steve whoís sitting at another table. Heís staring at his hands.)
Steve: I have such fat hands!
(He starts crying.)