Script Saison 1 Episode 3

Générique

Titre US : The One With The Thumb
Titre FR : Celui qui a un rôle

Écrit par Jeffrey Astrof et Mike Sikowitz
Réalisé par James Burrows
Transcrit par Eric Aasen

Fiche détaillée et photos - Titres Saison 1 - Résumé de l'épisode - Script en français

Script V.O.

PRE-INTRO SCENE: Central Perk

Phoebe : (ENTERING) Hi guys!

All : Hey, Pheebs! Hi!

Ross : Hey. Oh, oh, how’d it go?

Phoebe : Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said ’We should do this again!’

All : Ohh. Ouch.

Rachel : What? He said ’we should do it again’, that’s good, right?

Monica : Uh, no. Loosely translated ’We should do this again’ means ’You will never see me naked’.

Rachel : Since when?

Joey : Since always. It’s like dating language. Y’know, like ’It’s not you’ means ’It is you’.

Chandler : Or ’You’re such a nice guy’ means ’I’m gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you’.

Phoebe : Or, or, y’know, um, ’I think we should see other people’ means ’Ha, ha, I already am’.

Rachel : And everybody knows this?

Joey : Yeah. Cushions the blow.

Chandler : Yeah, it’s like when you’re a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.

Ross : That’s funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm.

Monica : Uh, Ross.

Ross : What? Wh- hello? The Millners’ farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi!

(INTRO)

SCENE 1: Chandler and Joey’S APARTMENT.

(Joey IS REHEARSING A PART; Chandler READS THE OTHER PART FROM A SCRIPT)

Chandler : "So how does it feel knowing you’re about to die?"

Joey : "Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you’ll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die."

Chandler : Hey, that was really good!

Joey : Thanks! Let’s keep going.

Chandler : Okay. "So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?"

Joey : "I just wanna go back to my cell. ’Cause in my cell, I can smoke."

Chandler : "Smoke away."

(Joey TAKES OUT A PACKET OF CIGARETTES and A LIGHTER. HE FUMBLES and DROPS THE LIGHTER. THEN HE LIGHTS A CIGARETTE, TAKES A DRAG and COUGHS)

Chandler : I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone.

Joey : What?

Chandler : Relax your hand!

(Joey LETS HIS WRIST GO LIMP)

Chandler : Not so much!

Joey : Whoah!

Chandler : Hey!

Joey : Hey!

Chandler : Alright, now try taking a puff.

(Joey TRIES and VISIBLY WINCES)

Chandler : Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me.

Joey : No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette.

Chandler : It’s fine, it’s fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here.

(Joey RELUCTANTLY GIVES HIM THE CIGARETTE)

Chandler : Don’t think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that’s been missing from your hand. When you’re holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.

Joey : Y’miss it?

Chandler : Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. (TAKES A PUFF) Oh.. my.. God. (CONTINUES TO SMOKE)

SCENE 2: Central Perk

(All PRESENT EXCEPT Rachel and Phoebe)

Monica : No, no, no. They say it’s the same as the distance from the tip of a guy’s thumb to the tip of his index finger.

(THE GUYS STRETCH OUT THEIR FINGERS)

Joey : That’s ridiculous!

Ross : Can I use.. either thumb?

Rachel : (BRINGING DRINKS) Alright, don’t tell me, don’t tell me! (HandING THEM OUT) Decaf cappucino for Joey.. Coffee black.. Late.. And an iced tea. I’m getting pretty good at this!

All : Yeah. Yeah, excellent.

Rachel : (LEAVING TO SERVE OTHERS) Good for me!

(THE GANG SWAP ROUND All THE DRINKS)

(ENTER Phoebe, MUTTERING. SHE SITS DOWN WITHOUT SAYING HI)

Joey : Y’okay, Phoebe?

Phoebe : Yeah- no- I’m just- it’s, I haven’t worked- It’s my bank.

Monica : What did they do to you?

Phoebe : It’s nothing, it’s just- Okay. I’m going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT-

Ross : Easy.

Phoebe : - and there’s five hundred extra dollars in my account.

Chandler : Oh, Satan’s minions at work again...

Phoebe : Yes, ’cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them.

Joey : What are you talking about? Keep it!

Phoebe : It’s not mine, I didn’t earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing.

Rachel : Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!

Phoebe : Okay. Okay, let’s say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I’d hear, with every step I took? ’Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.’ And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- ’Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine’...

Monica : We’re with you. We got it.

(Chandler LEANS OVER THE BACK OF THE COUCH, OUT OF SIGHT)

Phoebe : Okay. I’d- just- I’d never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt.

Rachel : Chandler, what are you doing?

Monica : (PULLING HIM UP) Hey. Whaddya doing?

(Chandler TRIES TO SHRUG NONCHALANTLY BUT EVENTUAllY HE HAS TO EXHALE A MOUTHFUL OF SMOKE)

All : Oh! Oh, God!

Ross : What is this?!

Chandler : I’m smoking. I’m smoking, I’m smoking.

Phoebe : Oh, I can’t believe you! You’ve been so good, for three years!

Chandler : And this- is my reward!

Ross : Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.

Chandler : Okay, so this time I won’t quit!

All : Ohhh! Put it out!

Chandler : All right! I’m putting it out, I’m putting it out. (HE DROPS IT IN Phoebe’S COFFEE)

Phoebe : Oh, no! I- I can’t drink this now!

Monica : Alright. I’m gonna go change, I’ve got a date.

Rachel : This Alan again? How’s it goin’?

Monica : ’S’going pretty good, y’know? It’s nice, and, we’re having fun.

Joey : So when do we get to meet the guy?

Monica : Let’s see, today’s Monday... Never.

All : Oh, come on! Come on!

Monica : No. Not after what happened with Steve.

Chandler : What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry.

Monica : Look, I don’t even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out.

Rachel : Well, then can we meet him?

Monica : Nope. Schhorry.

SCENE 3: IRIDIUM

(Monica and Paula ARE AT WORK)

Monica : I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they’re all over him. I mean, they’re like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd.

Paula : Listen. As someone who’s seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I’ll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they’re your friends, they’re just looking out after you.

Monica : I know. I just wish that once, I’d bring a guy home that they actually liked.

Paula : Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy..

(CUT TO Rachel Monica’S APARTMENT. Chandler IS SMOKING ON THE BALCONY, Phoebe IS ABSENT)

Joey : Let it go, Ross.

Ross : Yeah, well, you didn’t know Chi Chi.

Monica : Do you all promise?

All : Yeah! We promise! We’ll be good!

Monica : (SHOUTS TO Chandler) Chandler? Do you promise to be good?

(Chandler MAKES A ’CRoss MY HEART’ SIGN. IT STARTS TO RAIN and Chandler TAPS ON THE WINDOW)

Joey : You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!

(Chandler SULKILY PICKS UP A GARBAGE CAN LID and SHELTERS HIMSELF UNDER IT)

(ENTER Phoebe. SHE STRIDES TO THE COUCH, SITS DOWN and BEGINS TO READ WITHOUT SAYING HI)

Ross : Hey, Pheebs.

Phoebe : ’Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We’re sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you’ll accept this- (SEARCHES IN HER PURSE) -football phone as our free gift.’ Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!

Rachel : What bank is this?

(DOOR BUZZER)

Monica : Hey. It’s him. (TO INTERCOM) Who is it?

Alan (INTERCOM): It’s Alan.

Joey : (SHOUTS TO Chandler) Chandler! He’s here!

(Chandler COMES IN, DRIPPING WET)

Monica : (TO All) Okay, please be good, please. Just remember how much you all like me.

(OPENS THE DOOR- ENTER ALAN)

Monica : Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.

Alan : Hi.

All : Hi, Alan.

Alan : I’ve heard schho much about all you guyschh!

(GENERAL HYSTERIA)

SCENE 4: Rachel Monica’S

(LATER IN THE EVENING)

Monica : (AT THE DOOR, TO ALAN, WHO IS LEAVING) Thanks. I’ll call you tomorrow. (TO All) Okay. Okay, let’s let the Alan-bashing begin. Who’s gonna take the first shot, hmm?

(SILENCE)

Monica : C’mon!

Ross : ...I’ll go. Let’s start with the way he kept picking at- no, I’m sorry, I can’t do this, can’t do this. We loved him.

All : Loved him! Yeah! He’s great!

Monica : Wait a minute! We’re talking about someone that I’m going out with?

All : Yeah!

Rachel : And did you notice...? (SPREADS HER THUMB and INDEX FINGER)

The guys : (RELUCTANTLY) Yeah.

Joey : Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked.

Phoebe : Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!

Ross : ...What shoe?

Phoebe : From the nursery rhyme. ’There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...’

(DUBIOUS PAUSE)

Ross : ...So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured.

Rachel : What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y’know, it.

Monica : Really!

Chandler : Oh, yeah. I’d marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I’m gonna be doing that at parties, right? (DOES IT)

Ross : You know what I like most about him, though?

All : What?

Ross : The way he makes me feel about myself.

All : Yeah...

(AD BREAK)

SCENE 5: Central Perk

(Monica ALONE. ENTER Ross, Rachel, Chandler and Joey, DEJECTEDLY, IN SOFTBAll GEAR)

Monica : Hi.. how was the game?

Ross : Well..

All : WE WON!! Thank you! Yes!

Monica : Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible?

Joey : Alan.

Ross : He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-...

Rachel : I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team.

Chandler : Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball..

Monica : Can I ask you guys a question? D’you ever think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes..

Ross : What?

Monica : ..I dunno, a little too Alan?

Rachel : Well, no. That’s impossible. You can never be too Alan.

Ross : Yeah, it’s his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore.

Chandler : I personally could have a gallon of Alan.

(CUT TO A STREET WHERE LIZZIE IS RESTING. Phoebe WALKS UP TO HER)

Phoebe : Hey, Lizzie.

Lizzie : Hey, Weird Girl.

Phoebe : I brought you alphabet soup.

Lizzie : Did you pick out the vowels?

Phoebe : Yes. But I left in the Ys. ’Cause, y’know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you. (SEARCHES IN HER PURSE)

Lizzie : Saltines?

Phoebe : No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone?

Lizzie : What? (OPENS THE ENVELOPE Phoebe HAS GIVEN HER) Oh my God, there’s really money in here.

Phoebe : I know.

Lizzie : Weird Girl, what are you doing?

Phoebe : No, I want you to have it. I don’t want it.

Lizzie : No, no, I ha-I have to give you something.

Phoebe : Oh, that’s fine, no.

Lizzie : Would you like my tin-foil hat?

Phoebe : No. ’Cause you need that. No, it’s okay, thanks.

Lizzie : Please, let me do something.

Phoebe : Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we’re even. Okay?

Lizzie : Okay.

Phoebe : Okay.

(CUT TO Chandler’S OFFICE BLOCK)

(Chandler LOOKS ROUND, THEN OPENS HIS DESK DRAWER and TAKES A PUFF OF A CIGARETTE. THEN HE SPRAYS AROUND SOME AIR FRESHENER and TAKES SOME BREATH SPRAY. HE TYPES FOR A MOMENT. THEN HE OPENS THE DRAWER AGAIN and TAKES ANOTHER PUFF. NOT PAYING ATTENTION, HE SPRAYS THE BREATH SPRAY AROUND THE ROOM, TAKES A SQUIRT OF AIR FRESHENER and GAGS)

(CUT TO Phoebe and LIZZIE AT A SODA STand)

Lizzie : Keep the change. (TO Phoebe) Sure you don’t wanna pretzel?

Phoebe : No, I’m fine.

Lizzie : (LEAVING) See ya.

(Phoebe OPENS THE CAN and REACTS)

Phoebe : Huh!

(CUT TO Central Perk)

Ross : A thumb?!

(Phoebe NODS)

All : Eww!

Phoebe : I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker!

Chandler : Well, maybe it’s a contest, y’know? Like, collect all five?

Phoebe : Does, um, anyone wanna see?

All : Nooo!

(Chandler LIGHTS A CIGARETTE)

All : Oh, hey, don’t do that! Cut it out!

Rachel : It’s worse than the thumb!

Chandler : Hey, this is so unfair!

Monica : Oh, why is it unfair?

Chandler : So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey’s constant knuckle-cracking isn’t annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can’t you accept me for this?

(UNCOMFORTABLE SILENCE)

Joey : ...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?

Rachel : Well, I-I could live without it.

Joey : Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?

(Phoebe SPITS OUT HER HAIR)

Ross : Oh, now, don’t listen to him, Pheebs, I think it’s endearing.

Joey : Oh, (IMITATING Ross) "you do, do you"?

(Monica LAUGHS and SNORTS)

Ross : You know, there’s nothing wrong with speaking correctly.

Rachel : "Indeed there isn’t"... I should really get back to work.

Phoebe : Yeah, ’cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.

Rachel : Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on.

(THEY DEGENERATE INTO BICKERING and Chandler HAPPILY STARTS TO SMOKE, UNDISTURBED.)

SCENE 6: IRIDIUM

(AGAIN, Monica and Paula AT WORK)

Monica : Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like?

Paula : No.

Monica : Okay.. Well, I’m going out with a guy my friends all really like.

Paula : Waitwait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got through!

Monica : Can you believe it? ...Y’know what? I just don’t feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don’t feel the thing.

Paula : Honey.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that’s how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him!

Monica : I know.. it’s gonna be really hard.

Paula : Well, he’s a big boy, he’ll get over it.

Monica : No, he’ll be fine. It’s the other five I’m worried about.

(CUT TO Central Perk, WHERE Joey and Ross ARE PERSECUTING Chandler)

Joey : Do you have any respect for your body?

Ross : Don’t you realise what you’re-you’re doing to yourself?

Chandler : Hey, y’know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it.

Rachel : (WITH PHONE) Chandler? It’s Alan, he wants to speak to you.

Chandler : Really? He does? (TAKES PHONE) Hey, buddy, what’s up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it’s not that big- ..well, that’s true,.. Gee, y’know, no-one- no-one’s ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks! (HandS BACK THE PHONE and STUBS OUT HIS CIGARETTE)

Rachel : (TO Ross, WHO HAS WandERED UP) God, he’s good.

Ross : If only he were a woman.

Rachel : Yeah.

(THEY GIVE EACH OTHER A DUBIOUS LOOK)

(CUT TO THE GANG MINUS Monica and Joey WATCHING LAMBCHOP AT Rachel Monica’S)

Chandler : Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it’d be talking too.

Ross : Okay. I think it’s time to change somebody’s nicotine patch. (DOES SO)

(ENTER Monica)

Monica : Hey. Where’s Joey?

Chandler : Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?

Rachel : I think he’s across the hall.

Monica : Thanks. (GOES TO FETCH HIM)

Ross : (FINISHES CHANGING Chandler’S NICOTINE PATCH) There y’go.

Chandler : (DEADPAN) Ooh, I’m alive with pleasure now.

Ross : Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs?

Phoebe : Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?

Ross : Hey, I might!

Phoebe : Sorry. ..Y’know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb.

All : You’re kidding. Oh my God.

Phoebe : And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?!

Joey : (DRAGGED IN BY Monica. HE HAS JUST COME OUT OF THE SHOWER) What’s going on?

Monica : Nothing. I just think it’s nice when we’re all here together.

Joey : Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear..

Rachel : Uh, Joey..

Joey : Oh, God! (HURRIEDLY CLOSES HIS KNEES)

Monica : (TURNS OFF TV) Okay..

All : Oh! That was Lambchop!

Monica : Please, guys, we have to talk.

Phoebe : Wait, wait, I’m getting a deja vu...no, I’m not.

Monica : Alright, we have to talk.

Phoebe : There it is!

Monica : Okay. It’s-it’s about Alan. There’s something that you should know. I mean, there’s really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I’ve decided to break up with Alan.

(THEY All GASP and CLUTCH EACH OTHER)

Ross : Is there somebody else?

Monica : No, nononono.. it’s just.. things change. People change.

Rachel : We didn’t change..

Joey : So that’s it? It’s over? Just like that?

Phoebe : You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I- (CHEWS HER HAIR)

Monica : Look, I- I could go on pretending-

Joey : Okay!

Monica : -but that wouldn’t be fair to me, it wouldn’t be fair to Alan- It wouldn’t be fair to you!

Ross : Who-who wants fair? Y’know, I just want things back. Y’know, the way they were.

Monica : I’m sorry..

Chandler : (SARCASTIC) Oh, she’s sorry! I feel better!

Rachel : (TEARFUL) I just can’t believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family-

Monica : I’ll meet somone else. There’ll be other Alans.

All : Oh, yeah! Right!

Monica : Are you guys gonna be okay?

Ross : Hey hey, we’ll be fine. We’re just gonna need a little time.

Monica : (DUBIOUS) I understand.

(CUT TO Monica TELLING ALAN IN A RESTAURANT)

Alan : Wow.

Monica : I’m, I’m really sorry.

Alan : Yeah, I’m sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved.

Monica : Relieved?

Alan : Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.. I just can’t stand your friends.

(CLOSING CREDITS)

CREDITS SCENE: Rachel Monica’S (THE GANG ARE MOPING AROUND, EATING ICE CREAM)

Rachel : Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun.

Ross : Yeah. He could row like a viking.

(ENTER Monica)

Monica : Hi.

All : Mmm.

Ross : So how’d it go?

Monica : Oh, y’know..

Phoebe : Did he mention us?

Monica : He said he’s really gonna miss you guys. (DUBIOUS LOOK)

Ross : You had a rough day, huh.. c’mere. (SHE SITS DOWN and Ross STROKES HER FOREHEAD)

Chandler : ...That’s it. I’m getting cigarettes.

All : No no no!

Chandler : (LEAVING) I don’t care, I don’t care! Game’s over! I’m weak! I’ve gotta smoke! I’ve gotta have the smoke!

Phoebe : (SHOUTS AS HE LEAVES) If you never smoke again I’ll give you seven thousand dollars!

Chandler : (REENTERING) Yeah, alright.