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|Script Saison 2 Episode 23|
Titre US : The One With The Chicken Pox
Titre FR : Celui qui attrape la varicelle
Écrit par Brown Mandell
Réalisé par Michael Lembeck
Transcrit par Eric Aasen
Traduit par Laura Cynober
Rachel : Ok, Chandler, Mon, thereís only one bananna nut muffin left.
[Rachel holds the tray between them. Chandler grabs the muffin before Monica can.]
Monica : Oh, I ordered mine first.
Chandler : Yeah, but Iím, Iím so much faster...
Monica : Give it to me.
Chandler : No.
Monica : Give it to me.
Chandler : Ok, you can have it. [He licks it and offers it to her.]
Monica : [She grabs the coffee cup on the table and licks the rim.] There you go, enjoy your coffee.
Chandler : That was there when I got here. [Takes a bite of his muffin.]
Phoebe : [enters] Hey you guys, you will never guess whoís coming to New York.
Monica : [Chandler tries to come back with a smart-ass remark but canít swallow the muffin.] Quick, Phoebe, tell us before he can swallow.
Phoebe : Oh ok, Ryan, that guy I went out with, whoís in the Navy.
[Chandler is visibly upset]
Rachel : You went out with a guy in the Navy?
Phoebe : Yeah, I met him when I was playing guitar in Washington Square Park. Ryan threw in salt water taffy ícause he didnít have any change.
Joey : Hey, is that when you wrote salt water taffy man?
Phoebe : No. No, he is my submaring guy. He resurfaces like every couple years and we have the most amazing three days together. Only this time heís coming for two weeks. Two whole weeks, which means yay.
Rachel : So wait, this guy goes down for like two years at a time?
[Once again, Chandler has a bite in his mouth and canít come back.]
Monica : Thatíll teach you to lick my muffin.
Ross : [enters] Hiii.
Joey : Oh no, what happened?
Ross : Well, I just spoke to Carol. Benís got the chicken pox.
All : Oh no.
Ross : Yeah, so if you havenít already had it, chances are youíre gonna get it.
Rachel : Well Iíve had it.
Joey : Yeah, Iíve had it.
Monica : Had it.
Chandler : Had it.
Phoebe : Well, Iíve never had it, I feel so left out. [Sees a red bump on her arm.] Oh look!
Richard : Ooh, then I guess the panty raid last night was totally uncalled for. Ok, I am going to take a shower and today I will be singing Jim Crocheeís Leroy Brown.
[He walks out of the bedroom and Monica starts to remake the bed.]
Richard : Monica... [He re-enters the bedroom and Monica jumps on the bed, trying to cover it.] Hey Mon, I have a question. Is Leroy the baddest man in the whole damn town or the fattest man in the whole damn town?
Monica : Baddest. Otherwise the song would be Fat Fat Leroy Brown.
Richard : Whatíre you doing?
Monica : Just waiting for you sweetie.
Richard : Are you remaking the bed?
Monica : Iím sorry, Iím sorry. You know what, the way you did it was just fine.
Richard : Then, youíre redoing it because...
Monica : If I tell you, youíll think Iím crazy.
Richard : Youíre pretty much running that risk either way.
Monica : Ok, you see, the tag shouldnít be at the top left corner, it should be at the bottom right corner.
Richard : Oh, well thatís not so crazy.
Monica : Iím just easing you in.
Richard : Oh, alright.
Monica : Alright, you see these little flower blossoms? They should be facing up, not down, because, well, the head of the bed is where the sun would be. You donít love me any more do you.
Richard : Actually, if itís possible, I love you more.
Monica : Really? Wow, well then come on, I wanna show you how to fold the toilet paper into a point.
Joey : But donít you need experience for a job like that?
Chandler : Itís not that hard to learn. And as for people realizing you have no idea what youíre doing, hey, youíre an actor. Act like a processor, people will think youíre a processor.
Scott : [enters] Hey Chandler, hereís this morningís projections.
Chandler : Hey thanks. Scott Alexander, Joey Tribbianni. Joey is a uh, fellow processor.
Scott : No kidding.
Joey : Oh yeah yeah. I process. People want the processing, Iím the one they call.
Scott : Where do you work?
Joey : Uhh, well, right now Iím in between things. You know how it is. One day youíre processing, the next day youíre not so much... processing any more.
Chandler : I was just telling Joey about the opening in Fleischmanís group.
Scott : Fleischmanís group. Whatever you do, donít touch his sandwiches. Ha-ha-ha...
Joey : Ha-ha. [Scott leaves] Are all you processors dorks?
Monica : You look fabulous honey, you really do.
Phoebe : Yeah? Are you sure, really. [She picks up a mirror and sees the white splotches all over her face.]
Rachel : You see, you look beautiful. For god sakes, dim the lights.
Phoebe : I, I, Iím hideous.
Monica : Itís gonna be ok. Ryanís been under water. Heís just gonna be so glad that you donít have barnicles on your butt.
Ryan : Hey baby, Iím back... [Phoebe is sitting by the window in a veil.]
Phoebe : Hey Ryan, whatís up?
Ryan : Whatís goiní on?
Phoebe : Well, no no, you have to stay back. I, I have the pox.
Ryan : Chicken or small?
Phoebe : Chicken. Which is so ironic considering Iím a vegetarian.
Ryan : Why arenít you at home in bed?
Phoebe : íCause my, my grandmotherís never had chicken pox. Please, please tell me you have, ícause oh my God, I forgot how cute you are.
Ryan : Iím sorry, I never had íem.
Phoebe : Ohh, ohh.
Ryan : If I had one wish, it would be to build a time machine, go back to when I was 7, when Jimmy Hauser had the chicken pox. I would grab that kid and rub him all over my face.
Phoebe : Yeah, or you know, you could just wish that I didnít have them now.
Ryan : Can I please see your face?
Phoebe : Nope. You donít want to see a face covered with pox.
Ryan : Your face could be covered with lochs, I wouldnít care.
Phoebe : And you hate fish. Oh. Thatís so sweet, alright. Ok, alright, you can see. This is me... [she unveils herself right as a huge lightning bolt crashes outside. Ryan screams in terror.] Oh, I am scary.
Ryan : Sorry, the lightning. Lightning was an unfortunate incidence. You look lovely, lovely.
Phoebe : I hate this. íCause I tell you, I had the most amazing two weeks planned for us, and almost everything I had in mind, we had to be a lot closer than this.
Ryan : Phoebe, I have spent the last eight months in a steel tube with men, thinking about this moment. I am not gonna let a bunch of itchy spots stand between us. [He walks to her and kisses her.]
Phoebe : Ok, this is the most romantic disease Iíve ever had.
Chandler : Hey, howís the first day goiní?
Joey : Pretty good. Itís like you said. Itís mostly just putting numbers from one column into another column.
Chandler : Well there you go.
Joey : Hey and everbody is so nice. I just had a good talk with that lady with the red hair, Jeannie.
Chandler : Jeannie, the head of east coast operations Jeannie?
Joey : Yeah, turns out our kids go to the same school. Small world huh?
Chandler : Weird world. Your kids?
Joey : I figure my character has kids.
Chandler : Ya know there isnít a part of that sentence I donít need explained.
Joey : Well, see when youíre acting you need to think about stuff like that. My character, Joseph the processor guy, has two little girls, Ashley and Brittany. Ashley copies everything Brittany does.
Chandler : Well, invisible kids can be that way sometimes.
Joey : Yeah. Joseph and his wife, Karen, are thinking of having a third kid... Ya know what? Just did.
Chandler : Really? Wow. Thatís some pretty powerful imaginary sperm you must have there.
Phoebe : That you donít stop talking about it.
Ryan : Fine.
Phoebe : Letís just play, ok. Good, ok. [She picks up the dice.] Here we go, double sixes, here we go... [She starts to rub the dice all over herself.] Here we go, come to mama, just getting ready to roll the dice...
Ryan : Whatíre you doing? Are you scratching?
Phoebe : No. This is what I do for luck, ok.
Ryan : Youíre scratching. Give me the dice.
Phoebe : No.
Ryan : Give me the dice.
Phoebe : No. Here. [Throws them on the table.] There. Ooh, double sixes.
Ryan : We canít scratch. You know we canít, weíll scar.
Phoebe : Uhh, I canít stop thinking about it. Itís just so hard. I just wanna grab all these houses and rub íem all over my body. [Grabs a handful of the houses.]
Ryan : No.
Phoebe : Give it.
Ryan : No.
Phoebe : Yeah, come on. You know you want it, you know you want it too, come on. Letís just be bad, itíll feel so good. [She starts scratching him.]
Ryan : Oh God help me.
Phoebe : Now do me, do my back. Oh come on, harder.
[They get back to back and start rubbing against each other. Ross and Rachel enter.]
Rachel : Oh, stop that, stop that right now.
Ross : You know, I might have expected this of you Phoebe, but Ryan, youíre a military man.
Jeannie : Oh, that sounds lovely. Weíre gonna have to set that up. Oh, I better get back. Hope the baby feels better.
Joey : Oh, thanks, thanks. Bye bye Jeannie.
Jeannie : Bye bye Joey.
Joey : What a phony.
Chandler : Well, Iím sure youíll teach her a lesson when she steps off the dock onto nothing. Hey Mr. Douglas.
Joey : Sir.
Mr. Douglas : Uh, listen Bing, I received your memo. So, weíre not gonna receive the systems report until next Friday?
Chandler : Well the people in my group wanna spend the holiday weekend with their families.
Mr. Douglas : I have a family, Iím gonna be here.
Joey : Yeah Bing, whatís that about?
Chandler : Itís about cutting my people a little slack, ya know, for morale. Look, if you wanna see some rough numbers, I can get them to you by Wednesday.
Mr. Douglas : Rough numbers?
Joey : This company was not built on rough numbers. Am I right Mr. Douglas.
Mr. Douglas : Have the final numbers on my desk by Tuesday.
Chandler : Uh, if you say so sir.
Joey : Josephís good, isnít he?
Chandler : Well, Iím going to kill you.
Joey : Hey, hey, I just figure Josephís the kinda guy that likes to mix it up. Ya know, get in there, ruffle some feathers.
Chandler : Why?
Joey : Look, Iím sorry but thatís what Joseph does, ok. If you try to pull somethiní, heíll call you on it. íWhatíre you tryiní to pull,í heíll say.
Monica : This is for the scratchy twins out there. I taped oven mits to their hands.
Richard : Youíre strict.
Monica : Itís for their own good.
Richard : You know, I like the way you have efficiently folded this tab under. See in a tape emergency you could shave valuable seconds off your time.
Monica : Exactly. Oh, I love that I can be totally neurotic around you now. Tell me the truth. Donít you like it better now that everything on your desk is perpendicular?
Richard : If itís not a right angle, it is a wrong angle.
Monica : Very good.
Richard : Thank you.
Monica : You know what. Tomorrow Iím gonna do your clocks.
Richard : Youíre gonna do what to my clocks.
Monica : Iím gonna set them to my time.
Richard : Well, Iím confused. I thought we shared time.
Monica : No no. See, in my bedroom I set my clock six minutes fast. You wanna know why?
Richard : Because itís in a slightly different time zone than the kitchen.
Monica : No forget it, Iím not gonna tell you now.
Richard : No come on. Come on tell me.
Monica : No. See you donít understand.
Richard : Come on.
Monica : No. You donít have any of these cute little obsessive things.
Richard : No thatís not true. That is not true.
Monica : Oh yeah.
Richard : Yeah.
Monica : Alright, well tell me one of yours.
Richard : Ok. Ahh. One of my things is, I always separate my sweat socks from my dress socks.
Monica : What if they get mixed up?
Richard : Boy I would just uh, I would freak out.
Monica : You would not. I canít believe this. I hate this, youíre too normal. I canít believe my boyfriend doesnít have a thing. My boyfriend doesnít have a thing.
Richard : See, if anyone overheard that, I didnít come off well.
Chandler : Why? Wh- wh- why is Mr. Douglas looking for me?
Joey : íCause he has a strong suspicion that you dropped the ball on the Lender project.
Chandler : Wha- wh- why, why, why does he suspect that?
Joey : Becasue at first he thought it was Joseph. But after he asked Joseph about it, turns out it was you. Anyway, I just thought you should know.
Chandler : Alright, thatís it. Look Joey, Iím sorry, I realize this is the role of a lifetime for ya, and if I could just fire Joseph, I would, but unfortunately thatís not possible so Iím gonna have to let both of you go.
Joey : Whatíre you talking about, everybody loves Joseph.
Chandler : I donít, I hate Joseph, ok. I think heís a brown-nosing suck up.
Joey : Oh yeah. Well you canít fire Joseph. You know why, ícause heís not in your department.
Chandler : Alright, ok, alright. So I canít fire Joseph but uh, I can sleep with his wife.
Joey : Karen.
Chandler : Yeah, Karen. Iím thinking about having an affair with her. Oh, you know what? I just did.
Joey : Ahh. What the hell are you doing to me man.
Chandler : Oh well itís not me, itís my character, Chandy. Yeah the rogue processor who seduces his co-workerís wives for sport and then laughs about it the next day at the water cooler. In fact, I have her panties right there in my drawer.
Joey : Really?
Chandler : No freakshow, sheís fictional.
Joey : Take it easy. If it means that much to you, Iíll uh, Iíll go find something else.
Chandler : Thank you.
Joey : Itís just that, I, Iím gonna miss Joseph. I liked him. His wife, she was hot. [Chadler pushes him out the door by the face.]
Rachel : No sorry hon, Monicaís orders.
Ryan : [Comes out of the bathroom, also with oven mits on his hands.] Well that wasnít easy.
Ross : Ok, dinnerís on.
Rachel : And thereís a peach cobbler warming in the oven so the plateís gonna be hot but that shouldnít be a problem for you.
Ross : Alright you kids, bye now.
Phoebe and Ryan : Bye. [waving]
Ross : Oh look, a low budget puppet show.
Phoebe : Itís such a shame you canít see which finger Iím holding up.
[Ross and Rachel leave.]
Ryan : Wine?
Phoebe : Please. [Ryan pulls the cork with his teeth and spits it into Phoebeís mits.]
Ryan : Oh, I spilled some.
Phoebe : I got it. [Wipes it up with her mits.]
Ryan : [Puts his hands over Phoebeís ears.] I must tell you, you look beautiful tonight.
Phoebe : What?
Ryan : Sorry. You look beautiful.
Phoebe : Oh.
[They start to kiss. They try to get each otherís shirts off but canít get the buttons undone.]
Phoebe : You know what, thatís it, thatís it. [She rips off the mits, Ryan follows her lead.]
[They keep kissing and start scratching each other. Ross enters, takes one look, and goes right back out the door.]
Monica : Whatís up?
Richard : I thought of a thing.
Monica : Yeah?
Richard : Yeah. I have to sleep, have to, on this side of the bed.
Monica : No honey. You have to sleep on this side of the bed because I have to sleep on this side of the bed.
Richard : Or so I would have you believe.
Monica : No. Big deal, so you have a side of the bed, everybody has a side of the bed.
Richard : Hey come on, you havenít heard my reason yet.
Monica : Alright, go on.
Richard : Ok, I have to sleep on the west side because I grew up in California and otherwise the ocean would be on the wrong side.
Monica : Oh my God, youíre a freak.
Richard : Yeah. How íbout that.
Ryan : I really canít say.
Ross : So do you have like any nuclear weapons on board?
Ryan : I canít say.
Rachel : Well do you get to look through one of those like, those periscope thingys.
Ryan : Iím sorry, but I canít say.
Ross : Wow, it, itís neat learning about submarines.
Ryan : I better get out of here, Iím gonna miss my flight.
Phoebe : Ok, Iíll walk you out.
Ross : Bye Ryan.
Ryan : Pleasure.
Rachel : It was nice to meet you.
Ryan : Take care.
[Phoebe and Ryan walk outside.]
Rachel : So do you uh, think we can get you one of those uh, uniform things?
Ross : You like that do ya?
Rachel : Oh yeah.
Ross : Iíll make some calls. [Runs off.]
Rachel : Ok.
[Outside with Phoebe and Ryan.]
Ryan : Can you believe how we spent our two weeks together?
Phoebe : I know. We didnít do any of the romantic things I had planned, like having a picnic at Central Park and ya know, coffee at Central Perk. Oh I just got that. [They kiss.]
Ryan : Taxi.
Phoebe : Bye you. [Ryanís cab drives off. As Phoebe is going back in, she sees the Central Perk sign in the window and laughs.]
Ross : Is this what you had in mind?
Rachel : Iíll say.
[Ross picks her up.]
Ross : Iím shipping out tomorrow.
Rachel : Well then uh, we better make this night count. [He starts to carry her out.] Oh wait, I forgot to turn off the cappucino machine. [He carries her over to turn it off.] Anchors away. Oh no no, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse, my purse, my pu rse. [He carries her to the counter to pick up her purse.] Oh, you know what. I forgot to turn off the bathroom light.
Ross : Alright you know, why donít I just meet you upstairs. [Drops her on the couch and walks out holding his lower back.]