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|Script Saison 1 Episode 3|
Titre US : The One With The Thumb
Titre FR : Celui qui a un rôle
Écrit par Jeffrey Astrof et Mike Sikowitz
Réalisé par James Burrows
Transcrit par Eric Aasen
All : Hey, Pheebs! Hi!
Ross : Hey. Oh, oh, how’d it go?
Phoebe : Um, not so good. He walked me to the subway and said ’We should do this again!’
All : Ohh. Ouch.
Rachel : What? He said ’we should do it again’, that’s good, right?
Monica : Uh, no. Loosely translated ’We should do this again’ means ’You will never see me naked’.
Rachel : Since when?
Joey : Since always. It’s like dating language. Y’know, like ’It’s not you’ means ’It is you’.
Chandler : Or ’You’re such a nice guy’ means ’I’m gonna be dating leather-wearing alcoholics and complaining about them to you’.
Phoebe : Or, or, y’know, um, ’I think we should see other people’ means ’Ha, ha, I already am’.
Rachel : And everybody knows this?
Joey : Yeah. Cushions the blow.
Chandler : Yeah, it’s like when you’re a kid, and your parents put your dog to sleep, and they tell you it went off to live on some farm.
Ross : That’s funny, that, no, because, uh, our parents actually did, uh, send our dog off to live on a farm.
Monica : Uh, Ross.
Ross : What? Wh- hello? The Millners’ farm in Connecticut? The Millners, they had this unbelievable farm, they had horses, and, and rabbits that he could chase and it was- it w- .....Oh my God, Chi Chi!
Chandler : "So how does it feel knowing you’re about to die?"
Joey : "Warden, in five minutes my pain will be over. But you’ll have to live with the knowledge that you sent an honest man to die."
Chandler : Hey, that was really good!
Joey : Thanks! Let’s keep going.
Chandler : Okay. "So. Whaddya want from me, Damone, huh?"
Joey : "I just wanna go back to my cell. ’Cause in my cell, I can smoke."
Chandler : "Smoke away."
(Joey TAKES OUT A PACKET OF CIGARETTES and A LIGHTER. HE FUMBLES and DROPS THE LIGHTER. THEN HE LIGHTS A CIGARETTE, TAKES A DRAG and COUGHS)
Chandler : I think this is probably why Damone smokes in his cell alone.
Joey : What?
Chandler : Relax your hand!
(Joey LETS HIS WRIST GO LIMP)
Chandler : Not so much!
Joey : Whoah!
Chandler : Hey!
Joey : Hey!
Chandler : Alright, now try taking a puff.
(Joey TRIES and VISIBLY WINCES)
Chandler : Alright.. okay. No. Give it to me.
Joey : No no no, I am not giving you a cigarette.
Chandler : It’s fine, it’s fine. Look, do you wanna get this part, or not? Here.
(Joey RELUCTANTLY GIVES HIM THE CIGARETTE)
Chandler : Don’t think of it as a cigarette. Think of it as the thing that’s been missing from your hand. When you’re holding it, you feel right. You feel complete.
Joey : Y’miss it?
Chandler : Nah, not so much. Alright, now we smoke. (TAKES A PUFF) Oh.. my.. God. (CONTINUES TO SMOKE)
Monica : No, no, no. They say it’s the same as the distance from the tip of a guy’s thumb to the tip of his index finger.
(THE GUYS STRETCH OUT THEIR FINGERS)
Joey : That’s ridiculous!
Ross : Can I use.. either thumb?
Rachel : (BRINGING DRINKS) Alright, don’t tell me, don’t tell me! (HandING THEM OUT) Decaf cappucino for Joey.. Coffee black.. Late.. And an iced tea. I’m getting pretty good at this!
All : Yeah. Yeah, excellent.
Rachel : (LEAVING TO SERVE OTHERS) Good for me!
(THE GANG SWAP ROUND All THE DRINKS)
(ENTER Phoebe, MUTTERING. SHE SITS DOWN WITHOUT SAYING HI)
Joey : Y’okay, Phoebe?
Phoebe : Yeah- no- I’m just- it’s, I haven’t worked- It’s my bank.
Monica : What did they do to you?
Phoebe : It’s nothing, it’s just- Okay. I’m going through my mail, and I open up their monthly, you know, STATEMENT-
Ross : Easy.
Phoebe : - and there’s five hundred extra dollars in my account.
Chandler : Oh, Satan’s minions at work again...
Phoebe : Yes, ’cause now I have to go down there, and deal with them.
Joey : What are you talking about? Keep it!
Phoebe : It’s not mine, I didn’t earn it, if I kept it, it would be like stealing.
Rachel : Yeah, but if you spent it, it would be like shopping!
Phoebe : Okay. Okay, let’s say I bought a really great pair of shoes. Do you know what I’d hear, with every step I took? ’Not-mine. Not-mine. Not-mine.’ And even if I was happy, okay, and, and skipping- ’Not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine, not-not-mine’...
Monica : We’re with you. We got it.
(Chandler LEANS OVER THE BACK OF THE COUCH, OUT OF SIGHT)
Phoebe : Okay. I’d- just- I’d never be able to enjoy it. It would be like this giant karmic debt.
Rachel : Chandler, what are you doing?
Monica : (PULLING HIM UP) Hey. Whaddya doing?
(Chandler TRIES TO SHRUG NONCHALANTLY BUT EVENTUAllY HE HAS TO EXHALE A MOUTHFUL OF SMOKE)
All : Oh! Oh, God!
Ross : What is this?!
Chandler : I’m smoking. I’m smoking, I’m smoking.
Phoebe : Oh, I can’t believe you! You’ve been so good, for three years!
Chandler : And this- is my reward!
Ross : Hold on a second, alright? Just think about what you went through the last time you quit.
Chandler : Okay, so this time I won’t quit!
All : Ohhh! Put it out!
Chandler : All right! I’m putting it out, I’m putting it out. (HE DROPS IT IN Phoebe’S COFFEE)
Phoebe : Oh, no! I- I can’t drink this now!
Monica : Alright. I’m gonna go change, I’ve got a date.
Rachel : This Alan again? How’s it goin’?
Monica : ’S’going pretty good, y’know? It’s nice, and, we’re having fun.
Joey : So when do we get to meet the guy?
Monica : Let’s see, today’s Monday... Never.
All : Oh, come on! Come on!
Monica : No. Not after what happened with Steve.
Chandler : What are you talking about? We love Schhteve! Schhteve was schhexy!.. Sorry.
Monica : Look, I don’t even know how I feel about him yet. Just give me a chance to figure that out.
Rachel : Well, then can we meet him?
Monica : Nope. Schhorry.
Monica : I mean, why should I let them meet him? I mean, I bring a guy home, and within five minutes they’re all over him. I mean, they’re like- coyotes, picking off the weak members of the herd.
Paula : Listen. As someone who’s seen more than her fair share of bad beef, I’ll tell you: that is not such a terrible thing. I mean, they’re your friends, they’re just looking out after you.
Monica : I know. I just wish that once, I’d bring a guy home that they actually liked.
Paula : Well, you do realise the odds of that happening are a little slimmer if they never get to meet the guy..
(CUT TO Rachel Monica’S APARTMENT. Chandler IS SMOKING ON THE BALCONY, Phoebe IS ABSENT)
Joey : Let it go, Ross.
Ross : Yeah, well, you didn’t know Chi Chi.
Monica : Do you all promise?
All : Yeah! We promise! We’ll be good!
Monica : (SHOUTS TO Chandler) Chandler? Do you promise to be good?
(Chandler MAKES A ’CRoss MY HEART’ SIGN. IT STARTS TO RAIN and Chandler TAPS ON THE WINDOW)
Joey : You can come in, but your filter-tipped little buddy has to stay outside!
(Chandler SULKILY PICKS UP A GARBAGE CAN LID and SHELTERS HIMSELF UNDER IT)
(ENTER Phoebe. SHE STRIDES TO THE COUCH, SITS DOWN and BEGINS TO READ WITHOUT SAYING HI)
Ross : Hey, Pheebs.
Phoebe : ’Dear Ms. Buffay. Thank you for calling attention to our error. We have credited your account with five hundred dollars. We’re sorry for the inconvenience, and hope you’ll accept this- (SEARCHES IN HER PURSE) -football phone as our free gift.’ Do you believe this?! Now I have a thousand dollars, and a football phone!
Rachel : What bank is this?
Monica : Hey. It’s him. (TO INTERCOM) Who is it?
Alan (INTERCOM): It’s Alan.
Joey : (SHOUTS TO Chandler) Chandler! He’s here!
(Chandler COMES IN, DRIPPING WET)
Monica : (TO All) Okay, please be good, please. Just remember how much you all like me.
(OPENS THE DOOR- ENTER ALAN)
Monica : Hi. Alan, this is everybody. Everybody, this is Alan.
Alan : Hi.
All : Hi, Alan.
Alan : I’ve heard schho much about all you guyschh!
Monica : (AT THE DOOR, TO ALAN, WHO IS LEAVING) Thanks. I’ll call you tomorrow. (TO All) Okay. Okay, let’s let the Alan-bashing begin. Who’s gonna take the first shot, hmm?
Monica : C’mon!
Ross : ...I’ll go. Let’s start with the way he kept picking at- no, I’m sorry, I can’t do this, can’t do this. We loved him.
All : Loved him! Yeah! He’s great!
Monica : Wait a minute! We’re talking about someone that I’m going out with?
All : Yeah!
Rachel : And did you notice...? (SPREADS HER THUMB and INDEX FINGER)
The guys : (RELUCTANTLY) Yeah.
Joey : Know what was great? The way his smile was kinda crooked.
Phoebe : Yes, yes! Like the man in the shoe!
Ross : ...What shoe?
Phoebe : From the nursery rhyme. ’There was a crooked man, Who had a crooked smile, Who lived in a shoe, For a... while...’
Ross : ...So I think Alan will become the yardstick against which all future boyfriends will be measured.
Rachel : What future boyfriends? Nono, I th- I think this could be, y’know, it.
Monica : Really!
Chandler : Oh, yeah. I’d marry him just for his David Hasselhof impression alone. You know I’m gonna be doing that at parties, right? (DOES IT)
Ross : You know what I like most about him, though?
All : What?
Ross : The way he makes me feel about myself.
All : Yeah...
(Monica ALONE. ENTER Ross, Rachel, Chandler and Joey, DEJECTEDLY, IN SOFTBAll GEAR)
Monica : Hi.. how was the game?
Ross : Well..
All : WE WON!! Thank you! Yes!
Monica : Fantastic! I have one question: How is that possible?
Joey : Alan.
Ross : He was unbelievable. He was like that-that-that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions, right, but instead of Bugs it was first base-Alan, second base-Alan, third base-...
Rachel : I mean, it-it was like, it was like he made us into a team.
Chandler : Yep, we sure showed those Hassidic jewellers a thing or two about softball..
Monica : Can I ask you guys a question? D’you ever think that Alan is maybe.. sometimes..
Ross : What?
Monica : ..I dunno, a little too Alan?
Rachel : Well, no. That’s impossible. You can never be too Alan.
Ross : Yeah, it’s his, uh, innate Alan-ness that-that-that we adore.
Chandler : I personally could have a gallon of Alan.
(CUT TO A STREET WHERE LIZZIE IS RESTING. Phoebe WALKS UP TO HER)
Phoebe : Hey, Lizzie.
Lizzie : Hey, Weird Girl.
Phoebe : I brought you alphabet soup.
Lizzie : Did you pick out the vowels?
Phoebe : Yes. But I left in the Ys. ’Cause, y’know, "sometimes y". Uh, I also have something else for you. (SEARCHES IN HER PURSE)
Lizzie : Saltines?
Phoebe : No, but would you like a thousand dollars and a football phone?
Lizzie : What? (OPENS THE ENVELOPE Phoebe HAS GIVEN HER) Oh my God, there’s really money in here.
Phoebe : I know.
Lizzie : Weird Girl, what are you doing?
Phoebe : No, I want you to have it. I don’t want it.
Lizzie : No, no, I ha-I have to give you something.
Phoebe : Oh, that’s fine, no.
Lizzie : Would you like my tin-foil hat?
Phoebe : No. ’Cause you need that. No, it’s okay, thanks.
Lizzie : Please, let me do something.
Phoebe : Okay, alright, you buy me a soda, and then we’re even. Okay?
Lizzie : Okay.
Phoebe : Okay.
(CUT TO Chandler’S OFFICE BLOCK)
(Chandler LOOKS ROUND, THEN OPENS HIS DESK DRAWER and TAKES A PUFF OF A CIGARETTE. THEN HE SPRAYS AROUND SOME AIR FRESHENER and TAKES SOME BREATH SPRAY. HE TYPES FOR A MOMENT. THEN HE OPENS THE DRAWER AGAIN and TAKES ANOTHER PUFF. NOT PAYING ATTENTION, HE SPRAYS THE BREATH SPRAY AROUND THE ROOM, TAKES A SQUIRT OF AIR FRESHENER and GAGS)
(CUT TO Phoebe and LIZZIE AT A SODA STand)
Lizzie : Keep the change. (TO Phoebe) Sure you don’t wanna pretzel?
Phoebe : No, I’m fine.
Lizzie : (LEAVING) See ya.
(Phoebe OPENS THE CAN and REACTS)
Phoebe : Huh!
(CUT TO Central Perk)
Ross : A thumb?!
All : Eww!
Phoebe : I know! I know, I opened it up and there it was, just floating in there, like this tiny little hitch-hiker!
Chandler : Well, maybe it’s a contest, y’know? Like, collect all five?
Phoebe : Does, um, anyone wanna see?
All : Nooo!
(Chandler LIGHTS A CIGARETTE)
All : Oh, hey, don’t do that! Cut it out!
Rachel : It’s worse than the thumb!
Chandler : Hey, this is so unfair!
Monica : Oh, why is it unfair?
Chandler : So I have a flaw! Big deal! Like Joey’s constant knuckle-cracking isn’t annoying? And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word? And Monica, with that snort when she laughs? I mean, what the hell is that thing? ...I accept all those flaws, why can’t you accept me for this?
Joey : ...Does the knuckle-cracking bother everybody?
Rachel : Well, I-I could live without it.
Joey : Well, is it, like, a little annoying, or is it like when Phoebe chews her hair?
(Phoebe SPITS OUT HER HAIR)
Ross : Oh, now, don’t listen to him, Pheebs, I think it’s endearing.
Joey : Oh, (IMITATING Ross) "you do, do you"?
(Monica LAUGHS and SNORTS)
Ross : You know, there’s nothing wrong with speaking correctly.
Rachel : "Indeed there isn’t"... I should really get back to work.
Phoebe : Yeah, ’cause otherwise someone might get what they actually ordered.
Rachel : Ohh-ho-hooohhh. The hair comes out, and the gloves come on.
(THEY DEGENERATE INTO BICKERING and Chandler HAPPILY STARTS TO SMOKE, UNDISTURBED.)
Monica : Did you ever go out with a guy your friends all really like?
Paula : No.
Monica : Okay.. Well, I’m going out with a guy my friends all really like.
Paula : Waitwait.. we talking about the coyotes here? All right, a cow got through!
Monica : Can you believe it? ...Y’know what? I just don’t feel the thing. I mean, they feel the thing, I don’t feel the thing.
Paula : Honey.. you should always feel the thing. Listen, if that’s how you feel about the guy, Monica, dump him!
Monica : I know.. it’s gonna be really hard.
Paula : Well, he’s a big boy, he’ll get over it.
Monica : No, he’ll be fine. It’s the other five I’m worried about.
(CUT TO Central Perk, WHERE Joey and Ross ARE PERSECUTING Chandler)
Joey : Do you have any respect for your body?
Ross : Don’t you realise what you’re-you’re doing to yourself?
Chandler : Hey, y’know, I have had it with you guys and your cancer and your emphysema and your heart disease. The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it.
Rachel : (WITH PHONE) Chandler? It’s Alan, he wants to speak to you.
Chandler : Really? He does? (TAKES PHONE) Hey, buddy, what’s up! Oh, she told you about that, huh. Well, yeah, I have one now and then. Well, yeah, now. Well, it’s not that big- ..well, that’s true,.. Gee, y’know, no-one- no-one’s ever put it like that before. Well, okay, thanks! (HandS BACK THE PHONE and STUBS OUT HIS CIGARETTE)
Rachel : (TO Ross, WHO HAS WandERED UP) God, he’s good.
Ross : If only he were a woman.
Rachel : Yeah.
(THEY GIVE EACH OTHER A DUBIOUS LOOK)
(CUT TO THE GANG MINUS Monica and Joey WATCHING LAMBCHOP AT Rachel Monica’S)
Chandler : Ooh, Lambchop. How old is that sock? If I had a sock on my hand for thirty years it’d be talking too.
Ross : Okay. I think it’s time to change somebody’s nicotine patch. (DOES SO)
Monica : Hey. Where’s Joey?
Chandler : Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?
Rachel : I think he’s across the hall.
Monica : Thanks. (GOES TO FETCH HIM)
Ross : (FINISHES CHANGING Chandler’S NICOTINE PATCH) There y’go.
Chandler : (DEADPAN) Ooh, I’m alive with pleasure now.
Ross : Hey Pheebs, you gonna have the rest of that Pop-Tart?.. Pheebs?
Phoebe : Does anyone want the rest of this Pop-Tart?
Ross : Hey, I might!
Phoebe : Sorry. ..Y’know, those stupid soda people gave me seven thousand dollars for the thumb.
All : You’re kidding. Oh my God.
Phoebe : And on my way over here, I stepped in gum. ...What is up with the universe?!
Joey : (DRAGGED IN BY Monica. HE HAS JUST COME OUT OF THE SHOWER) What’s going on?
Monica : Nothing. I just think it’s nice when we’re all here together.
Joey : Even nicer when everyone gets to wear their underwear..
Rachel : Uh, Joey..
Joey : Oh, God! (HURRIEDLY CLOSES HIS KNEES)
Monica : (TURNS OFF TV) Okay..
All : Oh! That was Lambchop!
Monica : Please, guys, we have to talk.
Phoebe : Wait, wait, I’m getting a deja vu...no, I’m not.
Monica : Alright, we have to talk.
Phoebe : There it is!
Monica : Okay. It’s-it’s about Alan. There’s something that you should know. I mean, there’s really no easy way to say this.. uh.. I’ve decided to break up with Alan.
(THEY All GASP and CLUTCH EACH OTHER)
Ross : Is there somebody else?
Monica : No, nononono.. it’s just.. things change. People change.
Rachel : We didn’t change..
Joey : So that’s it? It’s over? Just like that?
Phoebe : You know.. you let your guard down, you start to really care about someone, and I just- I- (CHEWS HER HAIR)
Monica : Look, I- I could go on pretending-
Joey : Okay!
Monica : -but that wouldn’t be fair to me, it wouldn’t be fair to Alan- It wouldn’t be fair to you!
Ross : Who-who wants fair? Y’know, I just want things back. Y’know, the way they were.
Monica : I’m sorry..
Chandler : (SARCASTIC) Oh, she’s sorry! I feel better!
Rachel : (TEARFUL) I just can’t believe this! I mean, with the holidays coming up- I wanted him to meet my family-
Monica : I’ll meet somone else. There’ll be other Alans.
All : Oh, yeah! Right!
Monica : Are you guys gonna be okay?
Ross : Hey hey, we’ll be fine. We’re just gonna need a little time.
Monica : (DUBIOUS) I understand.
(CUT TO Monica TELLING ALAN IN A RESTAURANT)
Alan : Wow.
Monica : I’m, I’m really sorry.
Alan : Yeah, I’m sorry too. But, I gotta tell you, I am a little relieved.
Monica : Relieved?
Alan : Yeah, well, I had a great time with you.. I just can’t stand your friends.
Rachel : Remember when we went to Central Park and rented boats?.. That was fun.
Ross : Yeah. He could row like a viking.
Monica : Hi.
All : Mmm.
Ross : So how’d it go?
Monica : Oh, y’know..
Phoebe : Did he mention us?
Monica : He said he’s really gonna miss you guys. (DUBIOUS LOOK)
Ross : You had a rough day, huh.. c’mere. (SHE SITS DOWN and Ross STROKES HER FOREHEAD)
Chandler : ...That’s it. I’m getting cigarettes.
All : No no no!
Chandler : (LEAVING) I don’t care, I don’t care! Game’s over! I’m weak! I’ve gotta smoke! I’ve gotta have the smoke!
Phoebe : (SHOUTS AS HE LEAVES) If you never smoke again I’ll give you seven thousand dollars!
Chandler : (REENTERING) Yeah, alright.