|fanfr.com > scripts > saison1|
|Script Saison 1 Episode 10|
Titre US : The One With The Monkey
Titre FR : Celui qui singeait
Écrit par Adam Chase et Ira Ungerleider
Réalisé par Peter Bonerz
Transcrit par Eric Aasen
Traduit par Laura Cynober
[A monkey (guess who?) jumps on to his shoulder.]
Monica : W-wait. What is that?
Ross : ’That’ would be Marcel. You wanna say hi?
Monica : No, no, I don’t.
Rachel : Oh, he is precious! Where did you get him?
Ross : My friend Bethel rescued him from some lab.
Phoebe : That is so cruel! Why? Why would a parent name their child Bethel?
Chandler : Hey, that monkey’s got a Ross on its ass!
Monica : Ross, is he gonna live with you, like, in your apartment?
Ross : Yeah. I mean, it’s been kinda quiet since Carol left, so...
Monica : Why don’t you just get a roommate?
Ross : Nah, I dunno... I think you reach a certain age, having a roommate is kinda pathe- [Realises] ....sorry, that’s, that’s ’pathet’, which is Sanskrit for ’really cool way to live’.
Phoebe : So you guys, I’m doing all new material tonight. I have twelve new songs about my mother’s suicide, and one about a snowman.
Chandler : Might wanna open with the snowman.
All: Hey, Joey. Hey, buddy.
Monica : So, how’d it go?
Joey : Ahhhhhh, I didn’t get the job.
Ross : How could you not get it? You were Santa last year.
Joey : I dunno. Some fat guy’s sleeping with the store manager. He’s not even jolly, it’s all political.
Monica : So what are you gonna be?
Joey : Ah, I’m gonna be one of his helpers. It’s just such a slap in the face, y’know?
Rachel : Hey, do you guys know what you’re doing for New Year’s? [They all protest and hit her with cushions] Gee, what?! What is wrong with New Year’s?
Chandler : Nothing for you, you have Paolo. You don’t have to face the horrible pressures of this holiday: desperate scramble to find anything with lips just so you can have someone to kiss when the ball drops!! Man, I’m talking loud!
Rachel : Well, for your information, Paolo is gonna be in Rome this New Year, so I’ll be just as pathetic as the rest of you.
Phoebe : Yeah, you wish!
Chandler : It’s just that I’m sick of being a victim of this Dick Clark holiday. I say this year, no dates, we make a pact. Just the six of us- dinner.
All: Yeah, okay. Alright.
Chandler : Y’know, I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm.
All: Woooo! Yeah!
Rachel : Phoebe, you’re on.
Phoebe : Oh, oh, good.
Rachel : [Into microphone] Okay, hi. Ladies and gentlemen, back by popular demand, Miss Phoebe Buffay. Wooh!
Phoebe : [Takes mike] Thanks, hi. Um, I wanna start with a song that means a lot to me this time of year. [Shakes bell as an introduction] [Sung:]
I made a man with eyes of coal
And a smile so bewitchin’,
How was I supposed to know
That my mom was dead in the kitchen?
[shakes bell] La lalala la la la la lalala la la...
[Cut to later. Everyone is totally depressed by now.]
Phoebe : [Sung]
...My mother’s ashes
Even her eyelashes
Are resting in a little yellow jar,
And sometimes when it’s breezy...
[Over the sound of Phoebe singing we hear two scientists, Max and David, having a noisy discussion]
Phoebe : [Sung]
...I feel a little sneezy
And now I- [abruptly stops]
Excuse me, excuse me! Yeah, noisy boys! [They stop talking and look up] Is it something that you would like to share with the entire group?
Max: No. No, that’s- that’s okay.
Phoebe : Well, c’mon, if it’s important enough to discuss while I’m playing, then I assume it’s important enough for everyone else to hear!
Chandler : [Quietly, to the others] That guy’s going home with a note!
David: Noth- I was- I was just saying to my-
Phoebe : Could you speak up please?
David: [Stands up and speaks more loudly] Sorry, I wa- I was just saying to my friend that I thought you were the most beautiful woman that I’d ever seen in my- in my life. And then he said that- you said you thought
Max: Daryl Hannah.
David: Daryl Hannah was the most beautiful woman that he’d ever seen in his life and I said yeah, I liked her in Splash, a lot, but not so much in- in Wall Street, I thought she had kind of a
Max: Hard quality.
David: -hard quality. And uh, while Daryl Hannah is beautiful in a conventional way, you are luminous with a kind of a delicate grace. Then, uh, that-that-that’s when you started yelling. [Sits down]
Phoebe : Okay, we’re gonna take a short break. [Goes over to their table]
Joey : Hey, that guy’s going home with more than a note!
Rachel : Pheebs, I can’t believe he hasn’t kissed you yet. I mean God, by my sixth date with Paolo, I mean he had already named both my breasts! ...Ooh. Did I just share too much?
Ross : Just a smidge.
Phoebe : David’s like, y’know, Scientist Guy. He’s very methodical.
Monica : I think it’s romantic.
Phoebe : Me too! Oh! Did you ever see An Officer and a Gentleman?
Rachel : Yeah!
Phoebe : Well, he’s kinda like the guy I went to see that with. Except, except he-he’s smarter, and gentler, and sweeter... I just- I just wanna be with him all the time. Day and night, and night and day... and special occasions...
Chandler : Wait a minute, wait a minute, I see where this is going, you’re gonna ask him to New Year’s, aren’t you. You’re gonna break the pact. She’s gonna break the pact.
Phoebe : No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah, could I just?
Chandler : Yeah, ’cause I already asked Janice.
Monica : What?!
Ross : C’mon, this was a pact! This was your pact!
Chandler : I snapped, okay? I couldn’t handle the pressure and I snapped.
Monica : Yeah, but Janice? That-that was like the worst breakup in history!
Chandler : I’m not saying it was a good idea, I’m saying I snapped!
[Enter Joey. His shoes have bells on, which jingle as he walks. He is wearing a long coat.]
Joey : Hi. Hi, sorry I’m late.
[He removes the coat to reveal an elf costume]
Chandler : Too many jokes... must mock Joey!
Joey : Nice shoes, huh? [He wiggles his foot and the bells tinkle]
Chandler : Aah, y’killing me!
[Marcel knocks over some kitchen tools]
Monica : Ross! He’s playing with my spatulas again!
Ross : Okay, look, he’s not gonna hurt them, right?
Monica : Do you always have to bring him here?
Ross : I didn’t wanna leave him alone. Alright? We- we had our first fight this morning. I think it has to do with my working late. I said some things that I didn’t mean, and he- he threw some faeces...
Chandler : Y’know, if you’re gonna work late, I could look in on him for you.
Ross : Oh, that’d be great! Okay, but if you do, make sure it seems like you’re there to see him, okay, and you’re not like doing it as a favour to me.
Chandler : Okay, but if he asks, I’m not going to lie.
Phoebe : Okay, alright, I have a question, then.
Phoebe : Um, were you planning on kissing me ever?
David: Uh, that’s definitely a, uh, valid question. And, uh, the answer would be [Writes YES on the board] yes. Yes I was. But, see, I wanted it to be this phenomenal kiss that happened at this phenomenal moment, because, well, ’cause it’s you.
Phoebe : Sure.
David: Right. But, see, the longer I waited, the more phenomenal the kiss had to be, and now we’ve reached a place where it’s just gotta be one of those things where I just like... sweep everything off the table and throw you down on it. And, uh, I’m not really a, uh, sweeping sorta fella.
Phoebe : Oh, David, I, I think you are a sweeping sorta fella. I mean, you’re a sweeper! ...trapped inside a physicist’s body.
Phoebe : Oh, yeah, oh, I’m sure of it. You should just do it, just sweep and throw me.
David: ...Now? Now?
Phoebe : Oh yeah, right now.
David: Okay, okay, okay. [Gets ready to sweep, and then picks up a laptop computer] Y’know what, this was just really expensive. [Puts it down elsewhere. Then picks up a microscope] And I’ll take- this was a gift. [Moves it]
Phoebe : Okay, now you’re just kinda tidying.
David: Okay, what the hell, what the hell. [Sweeps the remaining papers off the desk and grabs Phoebe] You want me to actually throw you or you-you wanna just hop?
Phoebe : I can hop. [She hops onto the table]
[They kiss, finally]
Monica : I’m sorry, okay. It’s just that Chandler has somebody, and Phoebe has somebody- I thought I’d ask Fun Bobby.
Chandler : Fun Bobby? Your ex-boyfriend Fun Bobby?
Monica : Yeah.
Joey : You know more than one Fun Bobby?
Chandler : I happen to know a Fun Bob.
Rachel : [Brings Joey a mug of coffee] Okay, here we go...
Joey : Ooh ooh ooh ooh, there’s no room for milk!
Rachel : [Glances at Joey and then sips his coffee] There. Now there is.
Ross : Okay, so on our no-date evening, three of you now have dates.
Joey : Uh, four.
Ross : Four.
Rachel : Five.
Ross : Five. [Buries his head in his hands]
Rachel : Sorry. Paolo’s catching an earlier flight.
Joey : Yeah, and I met this really hot single mom at the store. What’s an elf to do?
Ross : Okay, so I’m gonna be the only one standing there alone when the ball drops?
Rachel : Oh, c’mon. We’ll have, we’ll have a big party, and no-one’ll know who’s with who.
Ross : Hey, y’know, this is so not what I needed right now.
Monica : What’s the matter?
Ross : Oh, it’s-it’s Marcel. He keeps shutting me out, y’know? He’s walking around all the time dragging his hands...
Chandler : That’s so weird, I had such a blast with him the other night.
Ross : Really.
Chandler : Yeah, we played, we watched TV.. that juggling thing is amazing.
Ross : What, uh... what juggling thing?
Chandler : With the balled-up socks? I figured you taught him that.
Ross : No.
Chandler : Y’know, it wasn’t that big a deal. He just balled up socks... and a melon...
[Max runs in]
Max: Phoebe. Hi.
Phoebe : Oh, hi Max! Hey, do you know everybody?
Max: No. Have you seen David?
Phoebe : No, no, he hasn’t been around.
Max: Well, if you see him, tell him to pack his bags. We are going to Minsk.
Phoebe : Minsk?
Max: Minsk. It’s in Russia.
Phoebe : I know where Minsk is.
Max: We got the grant. Three years, all expenses paid.
Phoebe : So when, when do you leave?
Max: January first.
Phoebe : Hi.
David: Hi! [Kisses her] What-what’re you doing here?
Phoebe : Um, well, Max told me about Minsk, so [Puts on a fake cheery voice] congratulations! This is so exciting!
Max: It’d be even more exciting if we were going.
Phoebe : Oh, you’re not going? [Fake disappointed voice] Oh, why?
Max: Tell her, David. ’I don’t wanna go to Minsk and work with Lifson and Yamaguchi and Flench, on nonononononono. I wanna stay here and make out with my girlfriend!!’ [Storms out]
David: Thank you, Max. Thank you.
Phoebe : So-so you’re really not going?
David: I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I just- you decide.
Phoebe : Oh don’t do that.
Phoebe : Oh no no.
David: No, but I’m asking-
Phoebe : Oh, but I can’t do that-
David: No, but I can’t-
Phoebe : It’s your thing, and-
David: -make the decision-
Phoebe : Okay, um, stay.
Phoebe : Stay.
[He thinks for a moment and sweeps the stuff off the table]
Phoebe : Getting so good at that! [She hops on]
David: It was Max’s stuff. [They kiss]
Chandler : You remember Janice.
Monica : Vividly.
[Someone knocks on the door; Monica gets it]
Monica : Hi.
Sandy: Hi, I’m Sandy.
Joey : Sandy! Hi! C’mon in! [She enters, followed by a young boy and a younger girl]...You brought your kids.
Sandy: Yeah. That’s okay, right?
[Joey and Monica look at each other and shrug. Ross enters with Marcel on his shoulder]
Ross : Par-tay!
Monica : That thing is not coming in here.
Ross : ’That thing’? This is how you greet guests at a party? Let me ask you something, if I showed up here with my new girlfriend, she wouldn’t be welcome in your home?
Monica : I’m guessing your new girlfriend wouldn’t urinate on my coffee table.
Ross : Okay. He was more embarrassed about that than anyone. Okay? And for him to have the courage to walk back in here like nothing happened...
Monica : Alright. Just keep him away from me.
Ross : Thank you. [She walks off] C’mon, Marcel, whaddya say you and I do a little mingling? [Marcel runs off] Alright, I’ll, uh... catch up with you later.
[The door opens. Rachel is standing there. Her coat is muddy and torn, her hair is dishevelled and her face is bruised. Everyone turns to look]
Monica : Oh my gosh! Rachel, honey.. are you okay? Where-where’s Paolo?
Rachel : Rome. Jerk missed his flight.
Phoebe : And then... your face is bloated?
Rachel : No. Okay. I was at the airport, getting into a cab, when this woman- this blonde planet with a pocketbook- starts yelling at me. Something about how it was her cab first. And then the next thing I know she just starts- starts pulling me out by my hair! So I’m blowing my attack whistle thingy and three more cabs show up, and as I’m going to get into a cab she tackles me. And I hit my head on the kerb and cut my lip on my whistle...oh...everybody having fun at the party? [To Monica] Are people eating my dip?
[Time lapse. Monica and Rachel, fixed up somewhat, emerge from a bedroom]
Sandy: Y’know, when I saw you at the store last week, it was probably the first time I ever mentally undressed an elf.
Joey : Wow, that’s, uh, dirty.
[They almost kiss and then Joey realises her kids are staring at them]
Joey : Hey, kids...
Ross : [Watching Marcel play with Phoebe. To Chandler] Look at him. I’m not saying he has to spend the whole evening with me, but at least check in.
Janice: [Startles them] There you are! Haaah, you got away from me!
Chandler : [Imitating] But you found me!
Janice: Here, Ross, take our picture. [Hands him a camera and he starts snapping] Smile! You’re on Janice Camera!
Chandler : Kill me. Kill me now.
[Someone else knocks on the door. Monica looks through the spyhole]
Monica : Hey everybody! It’s Fun Bobby!
[Everyone cheers. Monica opens the door. Bobby is obviously very depressed]
Fun Bobby: Hey, sorry I’m late. But my, uh, grandfather, he- died about two hours ago. But I-I-I couldn’t get a flight out ’til tomorrow, so here I am!
Joey : [Approaching] Hey Fun Bobby! Whoah! Who died?
[Monica gestures wildly behind Fun Bobby’s back]
[Time lapse. Bobby is talking about his grandfather. Everyone else is virtually in tears]
Fun Bobby: It’s gonna be an open casket, y’know, so at least I’ll- I get to see him again.
Janice: [Ross is still taking their photo] Oh, I’m gonna blow this one up, and I’m gonna write ’Reunited’ in glitter.
Chandler : Alright, Janice, that’s it! Janice... Janice... Hey, Janice, when I invited you to this party I didn’t necessarily think that it meant that we-
Janice: Oh, no. Oh, no.
Chandler : I’m sorry you misunderstood...
Janice: Oh my God. You listen to me, Chandler, you listen to me. One of these times is just gonna be your last chance with me. [She runs off]
[Ross is still taking photos]
Chandler : Oh, will you give me the thing. [Snatches the camera]
[David is feeding Phoebe popcorn. Max walks up]
Phoebe : Hi, Max!
Max: Yoko. [To David] I’ve decided to go to Minsk without you.
Max: It won’t be the same- but it’ll still be Minsk. Happy New Year.[Walks off]
Phoebe : Are you alright?
David: Yeah, I’m fine, I’m fine.
[Phoebe leads David into a bedroom]
Phoebe : You’re going to Minsk.
David: No, I’m... not going to Minsk.
Phoebe : Oh, you are so going to Minsk. You belong in Minsk. You can’t stay here just ’cause of me.
David: Yes I can. Because if I go it means I have to break up with you, and I can’t break up with you.
Phoebe : Oh yes, yes, yes you can. Just say, um, ’Phoebe, my work is my life and that’s what I have to do right now’. And I say ’your work?! Your work?! How can you say that?!’. And then you say, um, ’it’s tearing me apart, but I have no choice. Can’t you understand that?’. And I say [Hits him] ’no! No! I can’t understand that!’.
David: Uh, ow.
Phoebe : Ooh, sorry. Um, and, and then you put your arms around me. And then you put your arms around me. [He does so] And, um, and then you tell me that you love me and you’ll never forget me.
David: I’ll never forget you.
Phoebe : And then you say that it’s almost midnight and you have to go because you don’t wanna start the new year with me if you can’t finish it. [They kiss] I’m gonna miss you. You scientist guy.
Dick Clark (TV): Hi, this is Dick Clark, live in Times Square. We’re in a virtual snowstorm of confetti here in Times Square...
[Joey puts a blanket over Sandy’s kids]
Joey : There y’go, kids.
Chandler : [To a woman who he has clearly just met] And then the peacock bit me. [Laughs] Please kiss me at midnight. [She leaves]
Joey : You seen Sandy?
Chandler : Ooh. Uh, I don’t know how to tell you this, but she’s in Monica’s bedroom, getting it on with Max, that scientist geek. Ooh, look at that, I did know how to tell you.
Rachel : Vrrbddy, the bll is drrbing.
The gang [in the kitchen]: What?
Rachel : The bll is drrbing!
Dick Clark (TV): In twenty seconds it’ll be midnight...
Chandler : And the moment of joy is upon us.
Joey : Looks like that no date pact thing worked out.
Phoebe : Everybody looks so happy. I hate that.
Monica : Not everybody’s happy. Hey Bobby!
[Bobby waves and then bursts into tears. Midnight comes and everyone at the party except for the gang cheers and kisses]
Chandler : Y’know, I uh.. just thought I’d throw this out here. I’m no math whiz, but I do believe there are three girls and three guys right here. [Makes kiss noise]
Phoebe : I dunno. I don’t feel like kissing anyone tonight.
Rachel : I can’t kiss anyone.
Monica : So I’m kissing everyone?
Joey : Nonono, you can’t kiss Ross, that’s your brother.
Ross : Perfect. Perfect. So now everybody’s getting kissed but me.
Chandler : Alright, somebody kiss me. Somebody kiss me, it’s midnight! Somebody kiss me!
Joey : Alrightalrightalright. [Kisses him. Ross takes a photo] There.
Rachel : ...I think that bitch cracked my tooth.