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|Script Saison 7 Episode 15|
Titre US : The One With Joey's New Brain
Titre FR : Celui qui avait un cerveau neuf
Écrit par Sherry Bilsing-Graham et Ellen Plummer
Réalisé par Kevin S. Bright
Transcrit par Eric Aasen
Traduit par Guillaume Martin
Monica: Im glad youre here, we have a couple of things to ask you about the wedding ceremony.
Rachel: (starting to cry) Ohh
Ross: Whats the matter? You okay?
Rachel: Yeah, its just yknow
Chandler: (To Ross) Monica said wedding.
Monica: Uh, so anyway, we thought one of you could read something during the ceremony.
Rachel: Oh! I would love to read a poem.
Chandler: Do you think you could get through a poem?
Rachel: (crying) Itll be a short one.
Monica: Okay, so Ross will be doing the reading.
Ross: Okay. Yeah, I guess, I guess I could do that too.
Ross: Yeah, I kind of uh, have something else planned for you guys.
Monica: Do you mind telling us what it is?
Ross: Sorry, Im kinda keeping this one on the Q.T.
Chandler: Well, whatever it is, I hope it involves winking. (Winks in a spy-type manner.)
Joey: (entering, excited) Hey!
Joey: So I just talked to one of the DOOL writers today, and
Monica: What is DOOL?
Joey: Days Of Our Lives. Anyway, youre not gonna believe it! My character is coming out of his coma!!
Chandler: Thats great!
Joey: And-and-and not only that, Im gettin a new brain!!
Chandler: So great things are happening at work and in your personal life!
Rachel: Wait, what do you mean youre getting a new brain?
Joey: Oh well, theyre killing off one of the characters on the show, and when she dies her brain is being transplanted into my body.
Ross: What? A brain transplant?!
Joey: (seriously) Yes, its a highly controversial procedure.
Ross: Its ridiculous!
Joey: Well, I think its ridiculous that you havent had sex in three and a half months.
Ross: (to Monica and Rachel) Its winter, they are fewer people on the street. (Rachel and Monica smile and nod, knowingly.)
Monica: Who are they killing off?
Joey: Uh Cecilia Monroe, she plays Jessica Lockhart.
Rachel and Monica: Noo!!
Monica: Shes my favorite character on DOOL.
Rachel: She is so good at throwing drinks in peoples faces, I mean I dont think Ive ever seen her finish a beverage.
Monica: And the way she slaps all the time!
Monica: Wouldnt you love to do it just once?! (Raises her hand towards Chandler.)
Chandler: Dont do it.
Rachel: Cecilia Monroe man, what a great actress.
Joey: Oh, tell me about it. And shes been on the show forever, its gonna be really hard to fill her shoes.
Ross: Yeah-yeah, help me out here, when you come out of the "brain transplant," you are going to be her?
Joey: Yes, but in Drake Remorays body. (Ross laughs unbelievably.) Why is this so hard for you to get? I thought you were a scientist!
Phoebe: (Clears Throat) Rach, so, that guy there. Straight or gay?
Rachel: (They both look behind them.) Well, I’d have to say gay.
Phoebe: Yeah? Why?
Rachel: Well mainly because he’s kissing that other guy.
Phoebe: Oh no not that guy there. That guy right there. (Pointing to an attractive man sitting at a table behind them.)
Rachel: Oh yeah he’s too cute to be straight.
Phoebe: (A woman with large breasts walks in the door) Ohh knockers will help us figure it out. (She walks by and he checks her out.)
Rachel: All right, straight, and not subtle. (The man gets up and leaves.)
Phoebe: Ohh, he left his cell phone.
Rachel: Oh, well, we can hand it to Gunther and he’ll put it in lost and found.
Phoebe: Or we could use it to call China. See how those guys are doing.
Rachel: What if, um, if he calls his own cell phone to find out who found it and I answer and we start talking and we fell in love. I mean wouldn’t that be a great story? Kind of like a fairy tale for the digital age.
Phoebe: Yeah That does sound great. I’m going to get the phone. (They both get up.)
Rachel: What? Wait! Why why do you get the story?
Phoebe: I don’t know. I haven’t been out on a date in so long.
Rachel: Phoebe, you had a date three days ago.
Phoebe: That wasnt a date! That was, that was just friends getting together (quietly) having sex.
Rachel: Okay. Okay, see? I get the phone.
Phoebe: No way! No way! You just broke with Tag a week ago.
Rachel: Yeah! (Breaking up) And until now, I didnt think Id love again.
Phoebe: Nice try.
Rachel: Oh hey-hey wait! How do we fairly decide who gets the phone?
Phoebe: I dont know.
(They edge closer to the phone on the table.)
Rachel: Well umm, maybe we could uhh (Grabs the phone) Ah-ha! Too slow!!
(She holds the phone out and starts taunting Phoebe. Phoebe calming knocks the phone out of Rachels hand and catches it.)
Phoebe: Ah-ha! Too cocky!
Dina: Im going to keep dating him Mother, and theres nothing you can do about it!
Jessica Lockhart: Oh yes there is!
Dina: What are you going to do? Kill him? Like you did with Charles?!
Jessica Lockhart: (gasps) That was an accident! And so were you.
Dina: Well, at least Im not a murderer! (Jessica slaps her.)
Jessica Lockhart: (crying) Oh, my baby! (Hugs Dina, but moves Dinas head to her other shoulder so that shes the only one in the picture.)
The Director: Cut!
(Joey walks up to Cecilia Monroe who plays Jessica.)
Joey: That was a great scene! And-and-and that slap looks so real! How do you do that?
Cecilia: Oh, just years of experience.
Dina: (crying) Can I get some ice here?!
Joey: Oh anyway, I just wanted to say how wonderful I think you are.
Cecilia: Youre not the fan whos dying are you?
Joey: Say what?
Cecilia: Im supposed to meet and hug a fan whose dying, but thats not supposed to be until (to no one in particular) later!
Joey: No. No, Im Joey Tribbiani; we did a scene together yesterday. I-Im the guy in the coma!
Cecilia: Oh that was a real person?!
Joey: An-an-anyway I-I just wanted to say that since Im getting your brain when you leave the show, I was wondering if there was any tips you can give me
Cecilia: I-I-Im leaving the show?
Joey: (quickly) I dont know. Why? Did you hear something?
Cecilia: Who told you that?
Joey: Oh uh, one of the writers.
Cecilia: Which one? Was it bald or was it tall?
Cecilia: Yknow what? It doesnt matter! Because it is not true!
Cecilia: And if it were true, how dare you come to me ask me for tips about a character that Ive been playing for 20 yearsIll give you a tip! (She throws her drink in his face.)
Joey: Ms. Monroe (She slaps him) Oh there you go. (She storms off, leaving Joey standing next to Dina. They share a nod at the ferocity of the slap they just received.)
Rachel: No Phoebe! You cannot get the phone that way; thats not fair! Okay look, I have an idea. Why dont we, why dont we see what kind of number he has on his speed dial, and then from that we can tell who has more in common with him. And then whoever does gets the phone.
Phoebe: Or, we can decide by whose ever name is closer to the word phone.
Rachel: I dont think so.
Phoebe: (handing Rachel the phone) Fine all right, but Id bet youd be singing another tune if we were fighting over a ratchet.
Rachel: (checking the speed dial) All right, first name on the speed dial is mom.
Phoebe: Ohh, I lost my mom to suicide.
Rachel: Okay no way, you cannot use that to get the cute guy and the last blueberry muffin.
Phoebe: Did I use that already today? Im sorry.
Rachel: Yes okay. (Checking the speed dial again.) Well now see this isnt telling us anything. (Reading the speed dial) Joe. Carlos. Peter. Ooh! Peter Luger! T hats a steak house!
Phoebe: Okay, a meat eater. Fine, thats one for you.
Rachel: (looking at the speed dial) Oh, I win! Hes got Barneys on his speed dial.
Phoebe: So you dont know thats Barneys the store! That can be yknow his friends house, or a bar. Who has Barneys the store on their speed dial?
Rachel: (showing Phoebe her phone) His new girlfriend!
Monica: What is that?
Chandler: I think its the dying cat parade.
Monica: It sounds like its coming from across the street.
Chandler: (turning around and looking) Oh my God!
Chandler: Yknow that thing that Ross was gonna do at our wedding?! He was hanging out with me yesterday and he turned to me and said, "Youre half Scottish right?"
[Cut to Rosss apartment, he his playing the Bagpipes, badly. Hes worse than that whole keyboard thing a few years ago.]
Monica: No, there is no way! It can not be Ross! (She looks through the window and sees Ross practicing and fumbling around with the pipes.) Unbelievable! Why is your family Scottish?!
Chandler: Why is your family Ross?!
Monica: He cannot play at our wedding! I mean everyone will leave! I mean come on, that is just noise! Its not even a song!
Chandler: If you listen very carefully, I think its Celebration by Cool and the Gang.
Rachel: Hi Pheebs!
Rachel: How are ya?
Rachel: Umm Pheebs, remember when we were in the coffee house we decided that I was going to keep the uh, the cute guys cell phone?
Rachel: And remember how I said I was going to keep it in my purse so that if it rang I could just pick it up?
Rachel: And do you remember going into my purse and stealing the phone?!
Phoebe: Ooh, now you lost me.
Rachel: You stole the phone!
Phoebe: No I didnt!
Rachel: No? So youre saying that if I called it, it wouldnt ring?
Rachel: Umm, okay. But while you dial, let me show you the features of my new ringing handbag. (Rachel dials her phone and Phoebes bag starts to ring.) Oh, it does work! (Rachel grabs the phone and takes it out of Phoebes handbag.)
Phoebe: That is a different phone.
Rachel: Oh is it?! (She answers the cute guys phone.) Uhh, hello? (On her phone) Yes hi, is Rachel there? (On the other phone) Yes she is, just one moment please. (To Phoebe, holding out both phones.) Its for me!
Phoebe: That is damning evidence.
(The cute guys phone rings.)
Rachel: Oh my God! I bet thats him. My digital fairy tale is about to begin. I wonder how I should be? Should I be uh (In a sexy voice) Hello? Or should I be (Happily) Hi! Its Rach (Phoebe knocks the phone out of Rachels hand, catches it, and answers it.) Would you stop doing that?!
Phoebe: (on phone) Hello? (Listens) Yes, Im the one who found your phone.
Rachel: Phoebe! You cant do th
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Shhh! Im on a call! (On phone) Umm well yeah, you can pick it up tonight, say 8:30? At-at my apartment. Its umm, its umm 5 Morton Street, Apartment 14, umm and then maybe yknow after we can grab a bite to eat or whatever. (Listens) Okay, well okay Ill see you then. (Listens) Bye. (Hangs up.)
Rachel: You do know that I will be here when he comes over.
Phoebe: Oh? And how will you know what time to come over?
Rachel: You just said it!
Phoebe: Oh. Okay, well I-I was kinda hoping that I would just be alone yknow to think about my mom and her suicide.
Rachel: Oh Phoebe!
Phoebe: What?! Thats the first time today!
Rachel: Ohh! (Exits.)
Joey: So you like the nachos uh? Myself Im partial to
Dina: (interrupting) Im 16.
Joey: See you in 2003. (She walks away.)
Cecilia: (walking up) Youre absolutely right they are writing me out of the show. They dont know exactly when its going to happen, but apparently going to be very soon and thats it.
Joey: Im so sorry. Look, if it was up to me you would never leave the show.
Cecilia: Yeah, thanks.
Joey: No I mean it! I cant believe they would do this to you! And to your fans! I mean they are going to be devastated! Heart broken! They love you so much!
Cecilia: Oh youre right. Thank you! Whats your name again?
Cecilia: Joey, well thank you. That is so sweet. Oh, excuse me. (She throws her drink on a passing writer.)
The Writer: It wasnt my decision!
Cecilia: (to him) Im having a conversation here! (To Joey) You were saying?
Joey: Uh yeah-ye-ye-ye-ye-yel-l-l-l-l-look the-the-the only reason that I, that I came up to you before was because well, Im really nervous about-about being you. Yknow if you can help me capture the essence of the character. Yknow? Help me keep Jessica alive. Please?
Cecilia: All right Joey, I will help you. Not because I-I owe it to this stupid show, but because I owe it to Jessica.
Joey: Oh thats great! Oh thank you so much!
Cecilia: Youre so welcome.
Joey: Hey! Now, Ive been watching some tapes, hows this? (In a British accent.) "Jessica Lockhart will never step foot in this place again! Ever!!"
Cecilia: Is that supposed to be me?
Cecilia: Yeah but Jessica doesnt have an English accent.
Joey: (shocked) I can do an English accent?! That babys going on my resume!
Chandler: Well, I feel like a snack!
Monica: Do you want some shortbread? Eh thats Scottish like you are.
Chandler: Oh no thanks. I dont like any thing from my Scottish heritage.
Chandler: Well its just my entire family was run out of Scotland by Vikings. Anyway, lots of bad memories. (Makes a few unintelligible noises.)
Ross: Oh well, it sounds to me like your family is ready to uh, rediscover its Scottish roots.
Monica: No! No-no theyre not. Theyre still very angry! But yknow Chandler is also half-Swedish. You know what the Swedish people are famous for? Sitting down and being quiet.
Ross: Well yeah-yeah the Scottish history is so much more
Monica: (interrupting) You can not play bagpipes at the wedding!!
Ross: How did you know about that?!
Chandler: We heard you play all the way from your apartment!
Ross: Were you the ones called the cops?!
Chandler: Thats not really important right now. What is important is; while we appreciate the gesture, we just dont feel bagpipes are appropriate for our wedding.
Ross: Why not?
Chandler: Because we hate them.
Ross: Come on thats not fair! I mean you havent even heard me play!
Chandler: We have heard you play.
Ross: No, youve heard my practice. Okay? Just-just give me a chance to perform for you and then decide whatever you want. And Im not going to tell you what song Im gonna play either. But uh, lets just say when its over Ill bet there will be a we bit o celebration.
Cecilia: So, the essence of the character is rooted in her confidence. So, when Jessica enters a room for instance, she owns everything and every person in that room. (Joey is nodding.) You try.
Joey: Okay! (He scurries out the set door and re-enters, extremely impressed) All right!
Cecilia: No, he already knows that he owns everything in the room! Hes not finding it out for the first time! So, try it again.
Joey: Okay. Okay. (He goes out and comes back in, glaring at everything.)
Cecilia: Right. Hes not angry at the room either. Try it again, he owns it! He owns the room. It is his. He owns, owns, owns, owns the room! He owns it!! (Joey gets a snooty look on his face.) All right, its a little weird, but its getting better. (Joey is pleased.) Oh well, Im gonna miss this woman so much. I dont know what Im going to do! I mean, its been 20 years of my life.
Joey: Oh wellHey-hey! Maybe, maybe uh, maybe this is a good thing. Yknow? Itll-itll give you a chance to shake things up, play different characters. Youre so talented.
Cecilia: I am. I am, but I dont know you know. An actor of a certain age is not that easy.
Joey: Hey thats not true! Look at uh, look at Angela LansbAngelina Jolie!
Cecilia: I probably shouldve just left years ago when the offers were pouring in, but yknow I just got so comfy here! And Ohh, I turned down some amazing work!
Joey: Like-like what?
Cecilia: Well, lets just say if I left 15 years ago, the landscape of Mexican cinema would be very different today!
Joey: (impressed) Wow!
Cecilia: But Well now, nows a different time for me. (Starts to cry.)
Joey: Oh hey come on, dont-dont-dont do this! Umm, look let-let me tell you something, okay? Now when I watch you do a scene, Im thinking, "Boy, she-she is a great actress!" (Shes not buying it.) Uh but-but, I am also thinking, "She is hot!"
Cecilia: (intrigued) You think Im hot?
Joey: You own the room. (She smiles and stares longingly into his eyes.) We should probably get-get uh
Cecilia: Oh yeah-yeah, we should get the (Pause) So when Jessica kisses a man, she usually puts umm, both her hands on the mans face. (She does so.)
Joey: Yeah-yeah, I noticed that! Is that cause shes so passionate?
Cecilia: No! Its because that way the camera only sees her! (She takes her hands off his face.) Do you wanna try it?
Joey: Yeah! Okay. (He puts his hands on her face and they kiss.)
Cecilia: That was good, that was really good. But I-I think your hands maybe a little off, they should be maybe right like (She grabs the back of his neck and kisses him passionately causing them to fall onto the couch.)
Rachel: Hey! Hey!
(There is a knock on the door.)
Phoebe and Rachel: (simultaneously) Who is it?
Guy: Hi! Its Tom, Im here to pick up the phone.
(Rachel excitedly jumps up and heads for the door.)
Phoebe: Whoa! Why do you get to answer the door?
Rachel: Well why shouldnt I?!
Phoebe: Because its my apartment!
Rachel: Well, then I get to give him the cell phone.
Phoebe: Okay. All right. (Hands her the phone.) Good luck explaining all the calls to China.
(Phoebe opens the door and Tom, an older gentleman with white hair, enters.)
Phoebe: (To Rachel) Wow! How long were we arguing for?
Rachel: (laughs) Youre not the man who left the cell phone.
Tom: No thats my assistant.
Rachel: Is-is he coming? (Looks hopefully out the door.)
Tom: Umm, no.
Phoebe: Could you-could you umm, give us one second?
Rachel: Well be right back sir.
(They walk into the living room.)
Phoebe: Wh-what do we do?
Rachel: I dont know!
Phoebe: Can you believe this? (Rachel exhales in amazement.) We were waiting for a hot guy and then an even hotter one shows up!
Rachel: I know! (Realizes what Phoebe said.) What?!
Phoebe: Hmm, they just dont make em like that anymore!
Rachel: (turning and looking at Tom again) No-no they do but, you just have to wait.
Phoebe: Rachel, listenI mean, if you let me have him then I will really owe you one.
Rachel: (fake disappointment) All right. All right Phoebe I will let you have him, but you owe me; you owe me big!
Phoebe: Yeah! Youre such a great friend!
Tom: So, which one of you lovely ladies am I going to take to dinner huh?
Phoebe: Oh thatd be me. Sir. (Hands him the cell phone.) After you.
Tom: Okay. Okay. (Exits and Phoebe checks him out.)
Phoebe: (whispering) Nice!
Cecilia: Well, you certainly own that room.
Joey: Actually I rent the whole place and, I just got what you meant. Thank you.
(She laughs as Rachel enters.)
(Rachel stops dead in her tracks when she sees whom Joey is with.)
Rachel: Oh my God! Oh my God!! Ohh, Jessica Lockhart!! In my apartment!! I am such a huge fan! I am such a huge fan!
Cecilia: Well, its nice to know that you
Rachel: (screaming) MONICA!!!! MONICA!!!! (Runs to Monicas.)
Joey: That uh, that is my roommate Rachel.
Cecilia: Oh that explains all the womens underwear.
Joey: (shrugs) Sure. Yep.
Monica: (entering with Rachel) Oh my God! Its true!! Oh my God you are so amazing! Oh my God, can I just ask you to do me oh, just one favor?
Monica: Would you slap me? Would you slap me right here in the face?! (Points to her cheek.)
Cecilia: Id love to, but my lawyer said I cant do that anymore.
Rachel: God. You seem really, really nice.
Joey: Okay, bye-bye.
Rachel: I mean n-not-not fake at all like most famous people.
Joey: All right, here we go. (He grabs them and starts to pull them out of the apartment.)
Monica: (breaks away) Oh wait, just one more thing! One more minute! (To Cecilia) Umm, youre a stupid bitch.
Cecilia: I really cant slap you. (Monica walks away angrily)
Rachel: You are so beautiful.
Monica: Nice to meet you! My God youre great!
Joey: Thanks for stopping by. See ya! (Throws them out and closes the door.) (To Cecilia) I-I am so sorry. I
Cecilia: Oh no-no-no-no, being adored. Im used to it, dont worry about it.
Joey: (notices something in the mail that Rachel brought in) Oh my God!
Joey: They sent me todays script! They never send the script!
Cecilia: They dont?
Joey: Well no, Im just in a coma. This must mean I have lines! (Realizes what that means.) Oh
Cecilia: How does it happen?
Joey: (flipping to the last page) Ew, you get thrown from a horse into an electric fence.
Cecilia: Ah what?! Jessica hates horses!
Joey: Yeah well, Im guessing after this shes not going to be crazy about electricity either.
Ross: now remember you have to imagine me in a kilt.
Rachel: (giggles) (To Ross) I can imagine you in a short plaid skirt and knee socks.
Ross: (To Rachel) Do you wanna start telling secrets?
Ross: (stands up) Now umm, remember Im still learning.
(As he prepares to start, he makes several horrible noises that scares Rachel into retreat.)
Ross: One, two, three, four!
(He starts. And well, Celebration was never meant to be played on the bagpipe, so even the best bag pipe players in the world would have trouble with that particular song. So of course, for a beginner like Ross, it sounds absolutely dreadful. The assembled audience minus Phoebe, are horrified. Phoebe, immune to bad music, seems to enjoy it.)
Ross: You know the song! Sing along!
(Ross resumes playing, this time accompanied by Phoebe screeching out Es in tune with Ross. While Phoebe is singing along, Rachel is having a very difficult time keeping a straight face. Thankfully, Ross gives up after a little while.)
Monica and Chandler: No!
(Ross throws the bagpipes down in disgust.)
Dina: Loosening the saddle on mothers horse was brilliant Fredrick. And the electric fence, inspired.
Fredrick: Thank you sweetheart. (They clink glasses.)
Dina: I cant believe shes really gone. Look around you, all of this is ours. (They move into kiss but; theyre stopped by Joey entering with a huge bandage wrapped around his head.)
Joey: (as Jessica) I dont think so.
Dina: Who are you?!
Jessica Lockhart: Whats the matter Dina? Dont you recognize your own (Does a hair flip) mother?!
The Director: Cut! That was great everybody! Thank you!
Cecilia: (running out to Joey) That was so wonderful! (Hugs him) Ohh, I think that youre a better Jessica than I ever was!
Joey: Oh noo
Cecilia: Well of course not, but you were very good.
Cecilia: And guess what? Good news! I got another job!
Joey: Great! Hey! All right! Well-well what is it?!
Cecilia: A film in Guadalajara!
Joey: The airport?
Cecilia: No thats La Guardia. (Joey nods in recognition.) This is Mexico.
Joey: Ohh. Wow! Well how-how, how will you be gone?
Cecilia: Eight months.
Joey: Thats a really long time.
Cecilia: Yeah, but you can come and visit me. I bet that you could uh, own a few places down there.
Joey: Well I tell ya, I should probably buy a place in the city first. (Realizes.) And I just got what you meant againThat isI tell ya, that is a tricky one!
Cecilia: That is a tricky one. Well, Joey I really wanna thank you. Youve, well you made a very difficult time for me a little less painful.
Joey: Good luck.
Cecilia: You too.
(They kiss and both put their hands on the others face like Jessica would do.)
Ross: You know the song! Sing along!
Phoebe: Eeee!!! Eee!! Eee!!
(Monica (Courtney Cox) and Chandler (Matthew Perry) are laughing. That then causes Lisa and Jennifer come out of character and start laughing hysterically. And that finally causes David Schwimmer to come out of character and start laughing as well. Matthew decides to sing along now as well.)
Matthew Perry: Eee!! (This causes more laughter.)
Lisa Kudrow: Do it again!
(Matthew mimics the sound again.)
(Why was this the trailer? Well, thats because it was an introduction into the special out takes episode that immediately followed the show. The entire out takes episode, Friends: The Stuff Youve Never Seen can be read by following this link.