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|Script Saison 7 Episode 13|
Titre US : The One Where Rosita Dies
Titre FR : Celui qui a vu mourir Rosita
Écrit par Sherry Bilsing-Graham et Ellen Gittelsohn
Réalisé par Stephen Prime
Transcrit par Eric Aasen
Traduit par Aurore Piquera
Joey: What are you doing?
Rachel: Well, yíknow I was thinking of moving the couch over here.
Joey: (laughs) Why would you want to do that?
Rachel: So that there will be a decent place for me to sit.
Joey: Rach, there is a decent place to...
Rachel: And your lap does not count! Okay? Come on help me move this.
Joey: No. No. No.
Joey: No. Rosita does not move.
Rachel: Iím sorry, Rosita? As in...
Joey: As in Rosita does not move.
Rachel: Joey, itís just a chair! Whatís the big deal?
Joey: The big deal is that it is the exact equal distance from the bathroom to the kitchen and itís at the perfect angle so you donít get any glare coming of off Stevie.
Rachel: Stevie the TV?
Joey: (glaring at her) Is there a problem?
Rachel: No! (Joey sets his beer and bag of chips down and heads into his room.) Oh what does he know! Come on Rosita, us chichas got to stick together! (She tries pulling on the back of the chair, until the hinge breaks and the back falls off.) You bitch!
Ross: Hey, yíknow whatís weird? After you guys get married, when you introduce me to people youíre gonna have to say, "This is my brother-in-law Ross." Not, "My friend Ross," "brother-in-law Ross." Thatís weird isnít it?
Chandler: Couldnít I just say, "This is Ross?"
Ross: (disappointed) Sure, do whatever you want.
(Phoebe sits down between Chandler and Ross.)
Monica: (entering, carrying a newspaper) Hey Ross! So, I was checking out the uh, real estate section...
Monica: Look at this. (Hands him the newspaper.)
Ross: Oh, it looks like mom and dadís house. Oh, it even has a tree with a broken limb out front and the uh, the window in the attic is...Oh my God!!
Phoebe: What? What happened to the window in the attic?!
Monica: I canít believe mom and dad are selling the house!
Ross: I canít believe they-they didnít even tell us!
Phoebe: I canít believe I still donít know what happened to the window in the attic!
(Ross calls his parents on his cell phone.)
Ross: (on phone) Uh, hello dad! Monica and I just saw the house in the paper! (Listens) Yes weíre surprised! (Listens) Who did you leave a message with?
Chandler: (knocking on the window while outside) Sorry! (Runs off.)
Rachel: Joey, Joey I am so sorry.
Joey: I told you not to move it! Rach, how would you feel if say, I wanted to move you mom, and you said donít, and I did it anyway and her head fell off?
Rachel: Okay, come onóJoey, Iíll buy you a new one! All right? Weíll go down to the store right now and weíll-weíll get you a new chair.
Joey: (slowly turning and glaring at her) Sheís not even cold yet!
Rachel: But donít you think Rosita wouldíve wanted you to move on? I mean yíknow, she did always put...your comfort first.
Joey: Thatís true.
(Rachel turns for the door and makes the "Wow!" face.)
Rachel: (grabbing her coat) Okay? You ready?
Joey: Yeah, I... (Shuts off the TV.) I donít want Stevie to see her like this.
Ross: I canít believe we have to say goodbye to the house we grew up in. Man, some-some strangerís gonna be living in my room.
Monica: Well, after 15 years of mom and dad keeping it as a shrine to you, itís time the velvet ropes came down.
Ross: They kept your room for a while.
Monica: Oh please! Dad turned my room into a gym 20 minutes after I moved out! I gotta say, a tanning bed and a stack of Victoriaís Secret catalogues, not a gym!
Ross: Come on, you know they love you.
Monica: As much as they love you?
Ross: I was their first born! They thought she was barren! Itís not my fault.
Phoebe: (entering) Hey.
Phoebe: Ugh, I hate this year!
Ross: Whatís wrong with this year?
Phoebe: Well okay, itís already February and Iíve only given two massages and they were both the worst tippers in the world!
Monica: That was me and Ross.
Phoebe: Oh thatís right!
Ross: Hey, yíknow if you want to pick up some extra cash? Some friends of mine made good money doing telemarketing.
Monica: Oh thatís a great idea. Youíre really good on the phone.
Phoebe: Yeah and yeah, and it would probably be better than the last telephone job I had. Yíknow, I probably wouldnít have to say spank as much. (Monica and Ross are shocked.)
Phoebe: Oh yeah, like you never called!
Supervisor: So basically this is very easy. You read from the script and try to sell as much toner as you possibly can.
Phoebe: Okay, I can do that! Oh, by the way, I love my office.
Supervisor: (laughs) Why donít we do a trial run.
Phoebe: Oh okay. Umm, all right. (Picks up the phone and starts reading from the script.) Hi, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies, can I speak to your supply manager please?
Supervisor: Iím the supply manager.
Phoebe: Umm, okay I would like to talk to you about your toner needs.
Supervisor: We donít need any toner.
Phoebe: Oh okay, well Iím sorry to bother you. Bye-bye. (Hangs up the phone.) Yeah youíre right, this is easy.
Supervisor: Okay, what was wrong with that call?
Phoebe: Oh well, all right...um, no offense, but you were kind of rude.
Supervisor: Theyíre always going to tell you they donít need toner, but thatís okay because whatever they say, you can find the answer to it here in this script.
Supervisor: So, I think youíre ready to sell toner, do you have any last questions?
Phoebe: No. (Pause) Oh wait yes! I do, I do have one question. What is toner?
Chandler: Joey! Joe! (Sees that heís not here and starts investigating. He picks up the bag of chips.) Full bag. (He picks up the beer.) Beerís still cold. Something terrible mustíve happened here! (He decides itís not that important; sits down on Rosita, and the back falls off causing him to flip over.) Oh no-no-no-no-no-no! (Runs over to Stevie.) Stevie, I was never here! (Runs out.)
Mr. Geller: Iím here!
Ross: (entering with Monica) Hey!
Mr. Geller: Hi. God, it seems like just yesterday you guys used to come out to watch me work.
Ross: Dad, we-we canít believe youíre selling the house.
Mr. Geller: Well, itís time for a new family to start their memories here and hopefully their check will clear before they find the crack in the foundation and the asbestos in the ceiling.
Ross: (To Monica) Letís grab our stuff and get the hell out of here.
Mr. Geller: Iím sorry we canít store your childhood things anymore.
Monica: Oh, thatís okay, I canít wait to see everything again! All of the memories...
Mr. Geller: Well, I donít know whatís in the boxes down here, but I do know there are six or seven Easy Bake Ovens in the attic.
Monica: I used to love to play restaurant.
Ross: Yeah, not as much as you used to love to play uncooked batter eater.
Monica: Hey, it is unreasonable to expect a child to wait for a light bulb to cook brownies! (She goes to the attic.)
Mr. Geller: So, I think youíre boxes are over here. (They walk over to them.)
Ross: Wow! Great! (Finds a pack of cigarettes.) Wait, dad who-whoís cigarettes are these?
Mr. Geller: I donít know. They-they must be your motherís, but please, please donít ask her. Iíll throw these away. (He puts them in his pocket as Ross finds something of interest in one of his boxes.)
Ross: Cool! Dad! My report cards! Hey, check this out dad, (reading his grades) Math, A. Science, A. History, A. Gym...(He puts it away and finds something else.) Oooh, my rock polisher!
Mr. Geller: Oh look, look thereís your old makeup kit!
Ross: Itís a clown kit! Clown kit!
Mr. Geller: Well, the white seems to be untouched. (He throws it back into the box as Mr. Geller moves a tarp and makes a discovery.) Uh-oh.
Mr. Geller: Yíknow how the garage floods every Spring?
Ross: How are you ever going to sell this place?
Mr. Geller: I think I accidentally used Monicaís boxes to keep the water away from the Porsche.
Ross: Oh no. Dad! Dad! What...(He goes to open one of her boxes and it rips apart.) Oh God...everythingís ruined! Dad, sheís gonna be crushed!
Mr. Geller: You donít secretly smoke do you?
Mr. Geller: So itís just your mother then.
Phoebe: (on phone) Hi, this Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies, can I speak to your supply manager please? (Listens) Earl, thanks. (Listens) Hi Earl, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies Iíd like to talk to you about your toner needs. (Sheís reading from the script.)
[Cut to Earlís office, who is played by Jason Alexander, George from Seinfeld. They cut back and forth between Phoebeís and Earlís offices with each of their lines.]
Earl: I donít need any toner.
Phoebe: Iím hearing what youíre saying, but at our prices everyone needs toner.
Earl: Not me.
Phoebe: May I ask why?
Earl: You wanna know why. You wanna know why?
Phoebe: I surely do!
Earl: Okay, I donít need any toner because Iím going to kill myself.
(Phoebe desperately tries to find the scripted response to that line.)
Phoebe: (doesnít have any luck) Umm, is-is that because youíre out of toner?
Earl: Okay, so...no toner today. Thanks anyway, bye-bye.
Phoebe: No-no wait-wait! I canít just let you hang up! Just please talk to me.
Earl: Well...I only have one thing to do today. (He looks at his board in his office that reads, "Todayís Tasks: KILL SELF.") I guess I could push it back.
Phoebe: Yeah! Now, why do you want to kill yourself?
Earl: Itís just that I uh, have been working for ten years now at this meaningless, dead-end job and nobody here even knows I exist!
Earl: I-Iím sorry?
Phoebe: No look, I-Iím sure that people know you exist!
Earl: Oh yeah? I work in a cubicle surrounded by people. Iíve been talking to you for five minutes now about killing myself and no oneís even looked up from their desk. Hang-hang on. (To the people standing around his cubicle.) Hey everybody! Uh, Iím gonna kill myself! (Thereís no response; no one even looks up.) Iíll get back to ya. (To Phoebe) I got nothing. Wait. (He sets the phone down.) Uh, hey Marge! (Mimes putting a gun to his head, pulling the trigger, and splattering his brain on the wall behind him. Then points to himself. Marge watches this, then goes back to work.) (To Phoebe) Ehh, nothing. Nothing.
Chandler: My chair. Now, if anybody asks, your name is Rosita! (He runs out the door, grabs the back of Rosita, and we can hear Joey and Rachel talking as they are coming up the stairs. Neither of them have reached the landing yet.)
Rachel: You will like it!
Joey: No I wonít.
(Chandler runs to check on them coming up the stairs.)
Rachel: You donít even know!
Joey: Because, I know what I like and what I donít like! Itís not the same thing!
(Chandler throws the back of Rosita into his apartment and quickly starts pushing the base into his apartment.)
Rachel: Well look, if you donít like this...(The audienceís laughter at Chandlerís progress cuts out the rest of Rachelís line.)
Joey: I donít know why you say that so soon.
(Joey and Rachel reach the landing just as Chandler closes the door.)
Rachel: Come on Joey, I just bought you a new chair! The most expensive one in the store! Hey, yíknow what I was thinking? We could name her Francette.
Joey: Francette? What is she? A couch?
(They enter their apartment.)
Joey: Poor thing. Cut down in her prime.
Rachel: Joey, the new chair will be here in an hour. Maybe we should actually move Rosita out of here. Yíknow, start the heeling process?
Joey: Well, I guess youíre right. Maybe, maybe Iíll take her down to the incinerator. Itís gonna be so said, and kinda cool. (He goes to remove the back, but it doesnít come off. So he sits down in it, puts his feet up, stands up, and looks back at it.) Sheís heeled!
Rachel: Thatís weird.
Joey: No itís not weird, itís a miracle!
Rachel: Itís not a miracle Joey! Iím sure thereís some explanation.
Joey: Oh there is! If you want something enough and your heart is pure, wondrous things can happen!
Rachel: Joey, I really donít...
Joey: (interrupting her) Can you tell me how this happened?
Rachel: Well no.
Rachel: No, yíknow what? Maybe somebody came in here and fixed it! Or something!
Joey: Someone like an...angel?
Rachel: Thatís right Joey, the chair angel came in and heeled your chair. (She sits down in the chair.)
Joey: (angrily) Get your non-believer ass outta my chair! (She gets up and heads for her room.)
Mr. Geller: Well, sheíll understand right? Itís not like I did it on purpose.
Ross: Dad that wonít matter to her. Look, all my stuff is safe and dry and all her is-is, is growing new stuff! See, this is exactly the kind of thing that makes her think you guys love me more than you love her.
Mr. Geller: Oh my God, does she really thinks that?
Ross: Well, can you blame her?
Mr. Geller: Well I donít know, I-I suppose we may have favored you unconsciously, you were a medical marvel! The doctor said your mother could...
Ross: Dad, dad I donít want to hear about it.
Mr. Geller: Really?
Ross: Well, not right now. Okay look, Monica came here for some memories and damnit, weíre gonna give her some! Okay, grab...grab some empty boxes. Okay? Weíll-weíll take stuff from mine and whatever we can pass off as hers weíll-weíll put Ďem in their.
Mr. Geller: Great!
Ross: Like uh yíknow like this! This! (He picks up one of those art projects that kids make in kindergarten and first grade.) She-she couldíve made this!
Mr. Geller: Sure!
Ross: Right? And this! (He picks up a trophy) She-she couldíve won this!
Mr. Geller: (grabbing a glove) This couldíve been hers!
Ross: Sure! Ooh-ooh, what about this?
Mr. Geller: Your make-up kit? Iíd feel better.
(Ross angrily throws the kit into one of Monicaís new boxes.)
Rachel: (grabbing a beer out of the chairís fridge) I am so psyched I kept this chair for myself!
Joey: Yeah, me too. (He flips up his armrest in disgust.)
Rachel: Hey, howís...howís the uh, miracle chair?
Rachel: Yeah? Wow! Yíknow, that this thing has speakers in the headrest!
Joey: No. Really?
Rachel: Yeah! You can hook it up to your TV and you get radio!
Joey: (quietly) My chair heels itself.
Phoebe: Earl, youíre not hearing me! All Iím saying is that youíre not alone all right? Everybody hates the people they work with! (One of her coworkers overhears that, and she mimes that she didnít mean him.)
Guy: (walking past Earlís desk) Hey guy!
Phoebe: Wait, what was that? That sounded like someone being nice to you.
Earl: No! Thatís just the "Hey Guy" guy. He says that to everybody! Heís the worst! Iíd like to take him with me!
Phoebe: All right so Earl, letís just forget about the people at the office, okay? There-thereís gotta be someone else in your life worth sticking around for! What about-what about your family, your friends, or maybe your girlfriend?
Earl: (laughs) Yeah! Right!
Phoebe: Oh sorry, boyfriend!
Earl: Oh no.
Phoebe: No, whatever! Anything!
The "Hey Guy" Guy: Hey guy!
Phoebe: Yeah, heís gotta go.
Earl: Okay, I should, I should probably be getting back to my thing now. See ya. (Hangs up.)
Phoebe: No! Iím not finished yet! Donít! Donít you dare hang up on me!!!
Supervisor: (walking by and overhearing that) (to the rest of the staff) The new girlís good.
Monica: Hey guys! Hey!
Monica: Hey, I just whipped us up some Easy Bake treats, they should be ready in about three days.
Mr. Geller: (overacting) Thatís a good one! Do you hear that Ross? Three days!
Ross: (overacting as well) Yeah! Yeah! (Laughs.) Oh, this will make a great memory.
Monica: (wary) Okay. So, which boxes are mine?
Ross: Well, these. These are yours right here. (Pointing to the boxes they just created for her.)
Monica: Okay. (Starting to go through them) Oh! A coloring book! (Holding it up.)
Ross: Yeah. Yeah, oh you loved that thing. You always had it with you. You never went anywhere without-without that coloring book.
Monica: (looking through it) Really? Wow! It looks like I had some trouble staying inside the lines.
Ross: Nu-uh! (Grabs it and examines it.)
Monica: (holding up a glove) Oh, an old glove?
Mr. Geller: Oh, yeah you loved that glove! You took it every place you went. You never went any place without that glove.
Monica: Wow! Look at this! (Picking up a shirt.) I canít believe I even fit into this shirt! (She holds it up and it reads: Tyrannosaurus Ross.) (She turns it around and looks at it.) Oh, this is yours. (Hands it to Ross.)
Ross: Oh, I donít know how that got in there.
Monica: (holding up a small cowboy hat) This isnít mine. (Sets it down and looks at the rest of the boxes.) Hey, this isnít, this isnít my stuff! Ugh, Ross! (Grabs and holds up a doll.) These are your boxes! Where are my boxes?
Ross: Umm, your boxes are umm...
Mr. Geller: Well, the garage flooded sweetie and it ruined everything in your boxes. Iím sorry.
Monica: Just mine?
Mr. Geller: Iím afraid so.
Monica: So why-why wasnít Rossís stuff ruined? (Pause) And if you say the words medical marvel Iím going to Easy Bake your head!
Mr. Geller: Well, I used your boxes to divert water away from the Porsche.
Monica: So wait, Rossís stuff is fine, but I have no memories because you wanted to keep the bottom two inches of your car away from water!!!
Mr. Geller: There was also leaves and guk and stuff.
Monica: I canít believe this! (Storms out.)
Mr. Geller: (To Ross) Screw it! Iím having one. (Takes out and lights a cigarette.)
Rachel: Hey Chandler!
Rachel: How would you like to sit in a chair that fully reclines, has a rolling massage, and speakers in the head rest?
Chandler: Yeah, Iíd love to but Iíve tried that so many times they wonít even let me in the store anymore.
Rachel: Well what if I told you, you can do it in my apartment?
Chandler: (excitedly) Are you telling me that you bought the chair that is making all other lounge systems obsolete? The chair that Sit magazine called the Chair of the Year?
Rachel: I just purchased the La-Z-Boy E-cliner 3000. (Which is an actual product by the way, Iím not sure about the 3000 part.)
Chandler: Thatís awesome! Thatís great! What made you do it?!
Rachel: Well, itís a long story, but umm I broke Joeyís chair...
Chandler: Whoa-whoa-whoa! You broke Joeyís chair?
Chandler: I thought I broke Joeyís chair! Thatís why I replaced it with mine!
Rachel: Ohhhhh. Thatís how it got fixed!
Chandler: Well, what did you think, that-that elves came in and fixed it?
Rachel: Noo! (Laughs) Angels.
Chandler: Iím gettiní my chair back! (Heads for Joey and Rachelís.)
Rachel: What? Wh-hey!
(They enter Joey and Rachelís to find that Joey has broken Chandlerís chair.)
Joey: Well, it looks like it wasnít heeled after all! Yeah! So, I guess this chair is mine now! (Sits down in it and groans.)
Chandler: Joey you broke my chair!!
Joey: Your chair?!
Rachel: Yeah, he thought he broke your chair so he switched the chairs!
Joey: So, there was no miracle?!
Rachel: No Joe, no miracle.
Joey: (sarcastic) Oh no this is devastating! My faith is shaken. Iím so glad I have the new chair to get my through this difficult time in my life.
Rachel: Uh-huh! Nice try, but you donít get that chair anymore! All right? That is my chair now! You can sit on my lap! (Joey starts to get up.) No I take that back!
Chandler: I think I should get the chair!
(Rachel and Joey both laugh at that suggestion.)
Joey: How do you figure?
Chandler: Because you (Points to Joey) broke a chair and you (Points to Rachel) broke a chair! The only one around here that hasnít broke a chair, is me!
Rachel: No-no-no! This chairís not going anywhere.
Chandler: Well, whereís the logic in that?!
Rachel: The logic is, that there are two of us and we are both strong enough to break a chair in half!
Chandler: So Joey breaks my chair and I get nothing!
(Joey whispers in Rachelís ear to confirm his response.)
Joey: Thatís right!
Chandler: What are you guys? Like a gang or something?!
(They confer again.)
Joey: Yeah! We are!
(Rachel whispers in Joeyís ear.)
Rachel: Weíre the Cobras!
Phoebe: (to Marge) Excuse me! Can you tell me where I can find Earl? Heís the supply manager around here.
Marge: Sorry, I donít know any Earl.
Earl: (screaming) Iím right here!!!!
Phoebe: (goes over to his desk) Earl! Iím Phoebe.
Earl: Phoebe? The lady who sells toner?
Phoebe: Umm, look it, you-you canít kill yourself.
Earl: (exhales) Look, um I really appreciate your coming down...
Phoebe: No-no I canít! I canít let you do it!
Phoebe: Because it was fate that made me call you today!
Earl: I thought it was toner.
Phoebe: No! Think about it okay? This isnít even my regular job! Okay? And my first day on the job, youíre my first call! And-and somebody else mightíve hung up on you, but I wouldnít do that because I know about this stuff. My mom killed herself.
Phoebe: Iím not gonna give you tips! Look donít you see that this-this...this all came together so that I could stop you from doing this.
Earl: Couldnít it just be a coincidence?
Phoebe: No, itís fate!
Earl: It doesnít really seem like enough to be fate.
Phoebe: Oh. Well umm, okay hereís a weird thing. My mother was also a supply manager.
Earl: Iím actually the office manager.
Phoebe: Oh my God! So was she! And! Get this, okay? Your-your name is Earl, right? Her name was Pearl, P-Earl.
Earl: Well, was there anything else?!
Phoebe: Sure! (Thinks.) Umm, where are you from?
Phoebe: Oh my God! So was she! Oh, Iíve got-Iíve got goose bumps. (She holds out her arm.)
Earl: (inspecting it) Really?
Phoebe: Well, yíknow Iím wearing layers and itís warm.
Phoebe: But ifóno look, okay. These jerks might not care about you, but the universe does! And that says a lot!
Earl: (To All) Did you hear that?! I donít need you guys to care about me! Because the universe cares! The whole universe! (Laughs as everyone ignores him.) (To Phoebe) I really wished theyíd care just a little bit though.
Phoebe: Yíknow, I donít-I donít think itís you. This is a freaky place. (To All) Hey! Guys! (Everyone looks up.) (To Earl) Oh no, itís you.
Monica: Oh, this terrible! Everything is destroyed! Look at this. (She picks up some kind of furry thing.) It obviously meant enough for me to save it, and I donít even know what it is! Ohh, itís still soft. (She rubs it against her cheek.) What do you think this is?
Ross: All right. I think it was a mouse.
(Monica screams, throws the mouse down, and rubs her hands on Rossís sweater to clean them.)
Mr. Geller: (entering) How are you honey?
Monica: How do you think I am?! Youíve wrecked all my childhood memories. You love Ross more than me. And I just rubbed a dead mouse on my face!
(Ross gets up to let his dad sit next to Monica.)
Mr. Geller: Sweetheart, we love you just as much as Ross! Now, Iím sorry about everything that happened and Iíd probably never be able to make it up to you, but hereís a start. (He hands her a small box.)
Monica: (opening it) Whatís this?
Mr. Geller: Itís the key to my Porsche. Well, the key to your Porsche.
Monica: (shocked) What?!
Ross: (even more shocked) What?!!!
Mr. Geller: Iíve been thinking about getting rid of it. I was driving it the other day and saw my reflection in a store window. Your motherís right, I do look like an ass.
Monica: Wait, youíre giving me your Porsche, youíre kidding me right?!
Ross: Well w-w-w-w-wait, w-wait, wait, wait a minute! I mean a couple of stupid boxes get wet and she gets a Porsche?!
Mr. Geller: (To Monica) Why donít we take it for a spin?
Monica: All right!
Ross: Well, what about me?! Iím a medical marvel!!
Joey: Oh yeah.
Joey: Ahhh...... (To Rachel) Eh?
Monica: (entering) Hey guys!
Monica: Do you guys know what happened to Chandlerís barca lounger?
Rachel: Oh yeah, Joey broke it. Had to get rid of it.
Monica: Are you kidding?! I get a Porsche and the barca loungerís gone?! This is the best day ever! (Runs out.)