|fanfr.com > scripts > saison8|
|Script Saison 8 Episode 14|
Titre US : The One With The Secret Closet
Titre FR : Celui qui dťcouvrait le placard secret
Écrit par Brian Buckner et Sebastian Jones
Réalisé par Kevin S. Bright
Transcrit par Eric Aasen
Traduit par Guillaume Martin
Monica: (opens the door wearing a robe, but leaves the chain on) Hey, whatís up?
Phoebe: Well, I left my guitar here again.
Monica: Oh, okay. No problem.
Phoebe: Okay. (Monica closes the door, gets the guitar, and then hands it out.)
Monica: Here you go.
Phoebe: Great! Umm...(Monica closes the door again and Phoebe knocks again.)
Phoebe: So do you want to hang out or something?
Monica: Phoebe! You kinda caught me at a bad time.
Phoebe: Oh are you and Chandler...
Monica: Yes! Exactly.
Phoebe: Okay. Do you guys want me to play for you?
Monica: (laughs) No. (Closes the door as Chandler walks up.)
Chandler: Hey Pheebs, whatís up?
Phoebe: You ask an intriguing question Chandler Bing.
(Chandler lets her into the apartment and reveals that Monica is getting a massage from another woman.)
Phoebe: Oh my God! Youíre getting a massage! You never let me massage you!!
Monica: Phoebe, I can explain!
Phoebe: You told me you hate massages!
Chandler: Buy stamps, pick up dry cleaning...Donít let Phoebe in.
Phoebe: I canít believe this! How long as this been going on?
Monica: Well umm, Alexandra has been...
Phoebe: Oh, it has a name?
Monica: Phoebe, donít get upset!
Phoebe: OkayóOop! Too late! Iím leaving! Come on Chandler letís go! (She storms out.)
Chandler: Well, Phoebe I thought Iídó(Off Phoebeís look)óYeah, what the hell. (Exits with Phoebe.)
Joey: Oh okay, okay! One more push! One more push! Come on honey, weíre almost there! Weíre almost there!
Rachel: Oh Joey, Iím so happy things worked out for us that weíre having this baby together. I love you so much.
Joey: Oh, I love you too.
Rachel: And I hope itís not an inappropriate time to say this but, youíre the best sex I ever had.
Joey: Thatís always appropriate! (Back to the matter at hand) Oh, okay. One more push! One more push!
(Finally, the baby is delivered and starts crying.)
Doctor: Oh, here is your beautiful baby. Congratulations!
(She hands the baby to Joey who pulls down the blanket to reveal Rossís face where the babyís should be.)
Ross: (crying) I hope youíre a better father than youíre a friend!! (Cries again and Joey wakes up in horror.)
Rachel: (bursts into the room) Joey! Joey!
Joey: What? Whatís going on?
Rachel: Come feel this! Come feel my belly!
Rachel: Joey! The baby is kicking for the first time! Will you please come feel this?!
(Joey starts to get up but stops.)
Joey: Oh, yíknow what? Maybe uh, you...you should come to me. Iím a not, Iím not wearing any bottoms.
Rachel: Oh, okay! (She goes over to him and he feels her belly.)
Joey: Oh my, oh my God!
Rachel: Aw, itís unbelievable! Wow! She is kicking so much! Oh, sheís like umm...oh...whoís that kind of annoying girl soccer player?
Joey: Mia Hamm?
Rachel: Mia Hamm!
Joey: Oh thatís amazing. (Drops the sheet.)
Rachel: (looking down) Oh-oh!! One hand on the sheet Joe!
Joey: Whoa-hey-oh! Sorry!
Chandler: Hey babe.
Monica: Hi honey. We just got a wedding gift from Bob and Faye Bing; they donít like us do they? (They gave them a pok-a-dotted punch bowl.)
Chandler: Who says you canít get a nice punch bowl for under six bucks? Maybe we can take it back?
Monica: No, it doesnít say where it came from. Where would we return it?
Chandler: How about to the street say from the balcony?
Monica: Why donít we just find a place for it?
Chandler: Okay. How about in that cabinet?
Monica: No! Thatís where we keep the canned goods! Have you completely forgotten everything you learned at orientation?
Chandler: How about the closet by the bathroom? (The secret green door by the bathroom.)
Monica: Oh, okay. Here, why donít you let me do it?
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, I will do it. Honey, you have to learn to sit down and relax and let your husband take care of things once and awhile. (Tries the door.) Itís locked, you have to help me. Why is it locked?
Monica: No reason. I-I keep private things in there.
Chandler: Oh yíknow, Iíve been living here a while and Iíve never seen whatís inside that closet. What is, what is in there?
Monica: Feminine stuff.
Chandler: Donít try to make me uncomfortable with feminine stuff!
Monica: Chandler, there is nothing in there that concerns you! If you love me you-youíll let it go.
Monica: Thank you! (He tries the door again and Monica glares at him.)
Chandler: (walking casually away) Love you.
Phoebe: (entering) Hello Chandler, lovely day huh? (To Monica) You!
Chandler: Phoebe if it helps Alexandra has only been massaging Monica for like three years. (Phoebe rolls her eyes and walks away and Monica glares at him.) If! I said, "If it helps!" (Goes to the bedroom.)
Phoebe: Why wonít you let me massage you?
Monica: Well itís...I mean Iíd justóIíd be self-conscious. Youíre my friend; Iíd be naked.
Phoebe: Monica! We lived together for years! Iíve seen you naked!
Monica: Thatís different, we were roommates! And when?!
Phoebe: Iím curious about the human body.
Monica: Hey, come on Phoebe, you can understand why this would be weird for me.
Phoebe: But Iím a professional! And Iím really good! Look, if youíre uncomfortable we can stop. Just give me a chance, okay. Please?
Monica: Okay, if it means that much to you...
Phoebe: It does! How would you feel if you couldnít share your cooking? Or-or imagine how Ross would feel if he couldnít teach us about dragons.
Phoebe: Potato, potaato.
Joey: Hey Ross! The babyís kicking!
Ross: What?! It is?! (He tries to quickly remove his gloves, but runs into trouble and finally throws them off of his hands like a hockey player in a fight and grabs Rachelís belly.)
Rachel: Itís not kicking right now. Although we would love to see you do (Mimics him) that again.
Ross: Hey, when-when was it kicking? What happened?
Rachel: Last night! I just felt it and I went into Joeyís room and he was sleeping...
Joey: A dreamless sleep.
Ross: My God, the babyís kicking. Thatís great. Although I...kinda wish I-I wouldíve been there to feel the kicking for the first time yíknow.
Joey: Well I got stuff going on in here (Rubbing his belly) if you wanna feel.
Ross: Look, I-I donít want to miss anymore baby stuff. So...Here. Hereís my new pager number, okay? Anytime anything pregnancy related happens use it! Iíll be there! Okay? I donít care if itís three in the morning and all you want is ice cream.
Joey: Wow! Can I get a copy of that?
Phoebe: (calling from her room) Are you under the sheet?
(Phoebe turns on some music and grabs some oil.)
Phoebe: (in a soothing voice) Great, letís begin. (She starts the massage.) Howís the pressure?
Monica: Nice! Wow Phoebe you are good!
Phoebe: Stating the obvious, but thank you. And itís not weird is it.
Monica: No. Ooohh...
Phoebe: Thatís right, you just enjoy.
Monica: (in a sexy voice) Oh. Oh yeah! Ohhhhh! Ohh! Oh yeah!
Phoebe: (getting uncomfortable) Okay.
Monica: Oh God Phoebe!! (Phoebe covers one ear.) Oh thatís it! Thatís it! Right there! Oh! (Tries to cover the other ear.) Ooooh-oooh-ooooh... (Covers both ears and continues the massage with her elbows.)
Chandler: I wasnít trying to open your closet! I wasnít trying to open your closet! I swear! (Running into the kitchen and sees its Joey.)
Joey: Whoa, Monica runs a pretty tight ship over here. What are you doing?
Chandler: Monica has a secret closet and she wonít let me see whatís in it.
Joey: Why not?
Chandler: I donít know! What could she possibly be hiding in here that I canít see?!
Joey: I donít know. Ooh, I bet itís Richard.
Chandler: Why would Monica be keeping Richard in here?
Joey: Well off the top of my head uhh, maybe sheís having her cake and eating it too. You being the cake and Richard being the too. Or!
Chandler: And here we go...
Joey: I saw this movie once where there was a door and no one knew what was behind it, and when they finally got it open millions and millions and millions of bugs came pouring out and they feasted on human flesh. Yíknow it wouldnít kill ya to respect your wifeís privacy! (He walks away and into his apartment and looks the door.) Stupid closet full of bugs!
Rachel: Joey. Joey, something feels weird and not good weird. I donítóWhoa!! (Winces in pain.)
Joey: Oh hey whoa-whoa, donít worry. Okay. When my sisters were pregnant they got every weird feeling in the book, it was always nothing.
Joey: Absolutely. But, weíre gonna stop by the hospital just to be sure, okay? Iíll page Ross on the way. Come on.
Rachel: Okay. Oh GodóOw!óOo!
Joey: Okay Rach-Rach-Rach look at me, look at me, everythingís gonna be fine, trust me. Okay. Take my hand. Here we go. (Rachel grabs his hand.) Oww crushing bones!
Joey: Hey! So?
Dr. Long: Sheís fine. Sheís experiencing Braxton-Hicks contractions, mild discomfort caused by contractions in the uterine wall.
Rachel: Hmm, mild discomfort. So I take it youíve had one of these Braxton thingies?
Joey: So but everything is normal.
Dr. Long: Absolutely.
Joey: And-and thereís no danger to her and the baby?
Dr. Long: No-no. Contractions can be unnerving if you donít know what they are, but sheís fine.
Rachel: Thank you doctor. (Dr. Long exits.) (To Joey) Oh thank you for being so nice and calm.
Joey: Calm?! I wasnít calm! Iíve never been more scared in all my life!
Rachel: But wait you said everything was gonna be okay.
Joey: Well what do I know?! Iím not a doctor!
Rachel: But IóBut everything is okay. Iím fine!
Joey: You sure?!
Rachel: Yes! Yes! I got half a mind to contract that doctorís uterus though. Mild discomfort, whatís he talking about?
Joey: (seeing Ross) Oh hey-hey!
Ross: (rushes in) Is everything okay?
Rachel: Yeah, everythingís fine!
Ross: Your page said come to the hospital, what? What was it? What happened?
Joey: Something called Braxton-Hicks contractions.
Ross: Oh. Oh. Thank God, most women donít even feel them.
Rachel: Okay, no uterus, no opinion.
Joey: Hey uh, whatís with the candy?
Ross: Oh when you beeped me I was on line at the concession stand at the movie theater.
Rachel: Oh you went to the movies by yourself?
Ross: No IóMona!
Rachel: Oh, I gotta go back in there.
Ross: What? Why? Whatís wrong?
Rachel: No, everythingís fine. I just gotta go back...
Ross: No really, you tell me whatís up.
Rachel: I-I forgot my underwear. (Ross lets her go.)
Ross: (To Joey) So, thanks so much for bringing her to the hospital.
Joey: Oh hey, donít worry about it man. Donít worry about it, no big deal.
Ross: Yeah but still, I mean it shouldíve been me. Iím the dad.
Dr. Long: (To Joey) Uh, if you have any questions, hereís some information on Braxton-Hicks. (Hands Joey a pamphlet.) Oh and by the way, you did the right thing by bringing her in. Youíre gonna make a wonderful father.
Joey: Oh uh, hey. Not as good as this guy! (Grabs Ross around the shoulders.) He brought Twizlers!
Chandler: There has got to be a way!
Joey: Easy there Captain Kirk. Oh, do you have a bobby pin?
Chandler: Yeah. (Checks his hair.) Oh no wait, Iím not an nine-year-old girl.
Joey: Then why do you throw like one?
Chandler: Maybe Monica has a bobby pin.
Joey: Sure. "Monica."
Chandler: So, howís the hideously inappropriate crush on Rachel coming?
Joey: Uh, really good. Really good. Yeah, I should be ready to kill myself any day now. (Chandler returns with a bobby pin and hands it to Joey.) Wow, you sure found that quick. (He tries the pin in the lock.) I justóI wish I didnít feel this way about Rachel anymore, yíknow? I wish things could go back to normal. I mean, I love living with her and God, helping out with the baby is just amazing, but now I think...I think Ross feels left out. Yíknow? When I had to take Rachel to the hospital, the doctor thought I was the father. God... You shouldíve seen the look on Rossís face. (Pause) By the way, I have no idea what Iím doing here. For all I know Iím just locking it more. Oh hey, did you try opening it with a credit card?
Chandler: Thatís a good idea.
Chandler: Okay. (They switch places and Chandler gets out a credit card.) So uh, Ross is kinda bummed huh?
Joey: Oh, I just...I feel terrible.
Chandler: Well, itís not your fault. What are you gonna do? Not take her to the hospital? Yíknow? Youíre doing nothing wrong. (Pause) Except for harboring an all consuming love for the woman whose carrying his baby. (He loses his card behind the door.) Richard? If-if youíre in there, could you pass me my credit card?
Monica: I gotta tell you, yesterday was amazing. That massage felt so good!
Phoebe: No-no, I got that.
Monica: So umm, what do you say we make it a weekly appointment?
Phoebe: Okay. Okay but you should know though, Iíve raised my rates to $200 an hour.
Phoebe: I mean $500.
Monica: Whatís going on?
Phoebe: Oh, you make sex noises when you get massaged!
Monica: What? (Laughs.)
Phoebe: Yeah, and it really freaked me out! And after a while I even tried to hurt you and it just spurred you on.
Monica: What?! Youíre crazy! Thereís nothing sexual about the noises I make!
Phoebe: Really? Thereís nothing sexual about this? (Sexily) Oooh. Oo God! Ohh. Ohhhh. Ohh. (Some cute guy is watching closely.) (To him) What are you looking at?! (Pause) I mean hi.
Monica: Oh myóThis is so embarrassing. Oh my God, Iím never gonna get massaged again!
Phoebe: No, you canít let this stop you from getting massages! No look, I have, I have lots of clients that make the same noises you do!
Phoebe: Well not clients, lovers. But letís just yíknow, try it again. Come back and-and weíll work through it.
Monica: Are you sure?
Monica: I guess.
Phoebe: Great! Okay, if youíll just excuse me. (To the guy) So, did you hear something you liked?
Rachel: Hey Ross! Check it out! I learned a new trick!
Ross: Hey uh, I brought you some lunch.
Rachel: Ohh! Thatís so sweet of you! Oh yum! (Takes a bite out of the sandwich and starts to get sick.) Did you put pickles on this?
Ross: Well yeah!
Rachel: Oh Ross!! (Runs to the bathroom and closes the door.)
Ross: What?! What?! Rach what?!
Joey: Whatís going on?
Ross: I made her favorite, tuna salad with pickles.
Joey: Pickle? Pickles make her sick. Giving her pickles is like giving me salad.
Ross: (to Rachel) I-Iím sorry Rach, I didnít know. Are you gonna be okay?
Rachel: Yeah, Iíll be fine. But could someone please make sure that sandwich is gone when I get out there?
Joey: Iím on it! (Takes a bite out of the sandwich.)
Ross: I canít believe this! I shouldnít be the one making her throw up!
Joey: Dude relax! It could happen to anyone.
Ross: Yeah? Not to you, because you know this stuff. I donít know any of it and Iím the father. I wish Iíd be more involved yíknow.
Rachel: (entering) Well, if anyone is keeping score, I no longer eat tuna.
Joey: Hey uh, can I, can I talk to you guys for a second?
Rachel: Whatís up?
Joey: Uh, sit down. I wanna talk about our situation.
Rachel: (Gasps) Are you breaking up with us?
Joey: The thing is...ícause I live with Rachel Iím here for a lot of the stuff, okay? (To Rachel) And Ross...Ross is missing everything. So...
Joey: Maybe you two should live together.
Rachel: Are you asking me to move out? Do you not want me here?
Joey: Oh no-no, no-no I love living with you. It just seems that...if youíre gonna have a roommate, yíknow it might as well be the father.
Rachel: But Joey, I donít think Ross wants me to move into his apartment and disrupt his life like that. I meanó(Ross turns to her with wishful eyes.)óOr he does.
Ross: No I-I-I would love to be around for you and the baby. And we-we can just try it like on a temporary basis.
Rachel: But Ross, its you and me!
Ross: So? Sure! But it-it wouldnít be anything romantic. And Iím-Iím dating MonaóDamnit Mona! I was supposed to meet her like an hour ago! What is wrong with me?!
Joey: All right now, so? What do you think?
Rachel: I donít know. Is it crazy?
Ross: No! No itís not. Joey, this is a smart idea.
Joey: Well, I was due.
Rachel: Okay, letís do it. Iíll move in.
Ross: Oh Rach thatís great. Thatís great. (They hug and Joey breathes a sigh of relief.)
Chandler: Not to shabby, I got this all off myself...using my wifeís tools. (He takes the door off the frame and we finally get to see whatís behind the green door! It is stacked, floor to ceiling, with junk.) Oh my God!
Monica: (entering) (Gasps) How did you get in there?!
Chandler: (laughs) Youíre messy.
Monica: Oh no! You werenít supposed to see this!
Chandler: I married Fred Sanford!
Monica: No Chandler, you donít understand! (Chandler starts singing the theme for Sanford and Son, an old TV show starring Redd Fox.) Okay! Okay! Okay! Fine! Now you know. Okay? Iím yíknow...Iím sick.
Chandler: No, honey youíre not sick! Look, I donít love you because youíre organized, I love you in spite of that.
Monica: Really? You promise you wonít tell anyone?
Chandler: Yes! And look, now that I know if I got some extra stuff lying around can we, can we share the closet.
Monica: Well...itís just umm...Iím afraid you might mess it up.
Chandler: So Rachelís all moved out huh? How are you taking it?
Joey: Well uh, I wanted to have a few beers, but uh, I got rid of those because Rachel couldnít stand the smell of them. But I have thrown back a lot of orange juice with calcium though. And uh, itís a couple weeks past itís expiration date, so itís got a bit of a kick.
Chandler: Are you okay?
Joey: Are you kidding me? Iím great! Yeah, Iím uh; Iím better than great. I am good. And now that sheís gone, I can uh, I can do all this stuff around here that I couldnít do before. Yíknow? Like umm, I can walk around naked again. Yíknow? I can uh, I can watch porn in the living room. Right? This is uh, this is good for me. Yíknow? I like being on my own, Iím uh, better off this way. Iím uh, a lone wolf. Yíknow? A loner. Alone. All alone. Forever. Whatís a wolf got to do to get a huh around here?! (Chandler rushes over and hugs him.)
Phoebe: Thatís it. Just relax.
Monica: Ohh. Oh! Ohh!
Phoebe: Come on more!
Monica: Oh God!
Phoebe: Yeah, you like that donít you?
Monica: Oh yeah right there!
Phoebe: You want it there? You take it there baby!
Monica: Uh Phoebe?
Phoebe: Yeah, say my name. Say it! (She stops when she realizes what sheís doing.) And now Iím going to cover you back up, and umm weíre never doing this again.