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|Script Saison 8 Episode 23|
Titre US : The One Where Rachel Has A Baby - Part 1
Titre FR : Celui qui avait un bébé - Partie 1
Écrit par Scott Silveri
Réalisé par Kevin S. Bright
Transcrit par Eric Aasen
Traduit par Gabriela Horber
Ross: All right! (Checking his watch) Yes!! From home to the hospital in under seven minutes! We did it!!
Rachel: (deadpan) Yes, the hard part is truly over.
Ross: No, but come on, were off to a great start arent we? I knew Id get you here fast, but this has got to be some kind of a record!
(Phoebe and Monica walk in from getting some coffee.)
Phoebe: Oh you made it!
Rachel: Hi! (Ross is stunned.)
Monica: How are you doing?
Ross: Wait a minute! How-how the hell did you beat us here?
Monica: We took a cab. Did you guys walk?
Ross: N No! We took a cab too, but I did test runs!
(Chandler and Joey enter from the vending machines carrying sodas.)
Joey: Hey! You made it!
Ross: Okay is there some kind of magic tunnel to this hospital?!
Rachel: Ross, you stay here and talk, Im gonna go have a baby.
Ross: Okay. Okay. (To the nurse behind the desk.) Umm hi, this is Rachel Green. Im Ross Geller. We-we called from the car.
Nurse: Right! We have a semi-private labor room waiting for you. So in just a minute
Rachel: (interrupting her) Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Im sorry, semi-private? We (Laughs), we asked for a private room.
Nurse: Yes, I see that here. Unfortunately we cant guarantee a private room and currently theyre all unavailable.
Chandler: Man, if only youd gotten here sooner. (Ross turns and glares at him.)
Nurse: Im sorry. Semi-private rooms are all we have.
Rachel: Okay. Just give us a second. Ross! (They walk away from the desk.)
Rachel: Give her some money.
Ross: I really think theyre out of rooms.
Rachel: Theyre not!! Ross, theyre just saving them for the important people!! Okay?! What-what if I was the president?!
Ross: Well then wed be in a lot of trouble, you dont know where any countries are. (Rachel glares at him.) Okay. (He goes over to the desk followed by Rachel.) Uh, say would you umm Would you mind checking again to see if any umm, private rooms may have (Handing her some money) opened up?
Nurse: This is a hospital.
Rachel: (standing up) Okay. Yknow what? Id have to say I really dont care for your tone. And this is not the only hospital in this city and we have no problem toWhoa! (She starts a contraction) Oh gosh! Whoa!
Rachel: Ow! Ow! Contraction. (Sits back down.) Ow-ow! Ow-ow! (Starts breathing heavily.)
Nurse: Would you like to see a semi-private room?
Rachel: Yeah, it couldnt hurt to look.
Dr. Long: Well youre only two centimeters dilated and we need to get to ten. Itll be a while.
Rachel: Oh, okay.
Dr. Long: Ill be back in an hour to check you again.
Ross: Thank you.
Rachel: Thank you. (Dr. Long exits.) Well, I guess we have some time to kill.
Ross: Yeah, guess so. Whew! Check these out! (Hes looking at the stirrups on the other bed in the room and Rachel groans. Ross then hops into the bed and puts his legs into the stirrups.) Never done this before.
Rachel: Yeah well it looks great!
(A nurse shows another couple into the room.)
Man: Thank you very much.
(They stop when they see Ross who has to struggle to get out of the bed.)
Ross: Hi! Hi, Im uh Ross. Im here to ruin this magical day for you.
Man: Oh no-no, not at all.
Woman: Dont worry about it.
Man: Marc Coreger, this is my wife Julie.
Ross: Hi Julie.
Ross: This is Rachel. (Points at her.)
Marc: Oh hi Rachel.
Rachel: How are you?
Julie: Hi. Is this your first?
Rachel: Yeah it is.
Julie: Well, little Jamie here is our third. So, if you have questions or you need anything at all, just holler.
Rachel: Thats so sweet.
Ross: Umm say, I-I opened this earlier (The privacy screen) but let me give you guys some privacy.
Marc: No nonsense! Were all in this together.
Julie: Yeah, we are going to share every moment of this with you. And I think were gonna have some fun.
Ross: Oh, okay.
Marc: Hey! Smile! (Points his camera at Ross and Rachel.)
Rachel: Oh no, I really dont want any(He takes the picture)Oh! Thank you. Oh. Oh Ross
Rachel: Here comes another contraction.
Ross: Oh. Okay, just breathe.
Julie: Oh honey, I think Im having one too!
(During the mutual contraction Julie takes a moment to point out theyre having a contraction at the same time.)
Marc: Look at this! (Takes another picture) There we go!
Phoebe: (looking at the clock) Oh wow, three hours and still no baby. Ugh, the miracle of birth sure is a snooze fest.
Monica: Hey, you wanna see something?
Phoebe: Sure! What?
Monica: Umm, this is going to be fun. Watch me freak out Chandler. Honey?
Monica: Listen uh, I-Ive been doing some thinking, and I dont know whether its because were here or Rachels giving birth but umm, I think we should try to have a baby.
Monica: (freaking out) What-what-whats that now?!
Chandler: Okay. Ive been thinking about it too, and I, I think were ready.
Monica: What?! Are you kidding me?! You-you-you think were ready to have a baby now?!
Phoebe: Oh, this is fun.
Joey: Youre ready to have a baby? My boys all grown up!
Chandler: But you said you were ready too.
Monica: Yeah but I was just screwing with you to try to get your voice all high and weird like mine is now!
Chandler: Yes, but havent you wanted a kid like forever?
Monica: Okay, just back off mister! Whoa. (Pause) Cause I am ready to have a baby. I just want Joey to be the father.
Joey: (voice all high and weird) What?! Are you crazy?!
Monica: Thats it! Right there! Is all I wanted!
Marc: I am so sorry. The doctor insisted on closing the curtain for the exam.
Rachel: Oh, thats veryReally very-very okay.
Marc: Julies cervix is dilated a seven centimeters, thats about four fingers. The doctor let me feel it myself.
Julie: Have you felt Rachels cervix Ross?
Rachel: (simultaneously as Ross) No, I dont think well be doing that.
Ross: (simultaneously as Rachel) Were not gonna do that.
Julie: Well, if you like you can feel Rachels and then feel mine to compare.
Mrs. Geller: (entering) Am I interrupting?
Ross: Uh yes! Thank you.
Rachel: Oh. Oh wait no.
Rachel: No-no-dont! Dont leave me here with these people.
Ross: Oh uh, Im sorry. (Runs out.)
Rachel: No Ross! Ross! Ross! My child has no father!
Ross: Hi! Im so glad youre here, but its gonna be a while. I-I wished youd called first.
Mrs. Geller: Oh thats all right, Im coming back later with your father.
Ross: Oh good.
Mrs. Geller: I actually needed to talk to you before the birth.
Ross: Okay, whats up?
Mrs. Geller: I brought something that I want to give you, assuming of course that you want it. (She holds up an engagement ring.)
Ross: Ma, youre asking me to marry you?
Mrs. Geller: This is your grandmothers engagement ring, I want you to give it to Rachel.
Ross: Mom no, come on! Thank you.
Mrs. Geller: Just hear me out!
Ross: N-no! Okay? Weve been through this! Were not gonna get married just because shes pregnant, okay?
Mrs. Geller: Honestly! Ross, this isnt just some girl you picked up in a bar and humped. A child should have a family.
Ross: Mom, yknow what? I-I cant deal with this right now. Im sorry
Mrs. Geller: Just think about it. If you dont, Ill talk more about humping.
Ross: Gimmie! (Takes the ring and puts it in his coat pocket as Rachel enters the hallway.)
Mrs. Geller: Oh hi dear!
Rachel: Oh, thank you so much for coming. Ross, get in here!
(Mrs. Geller leaves as Ross re-enters the room.)
Ross: she came and dragged me out of the labor room to ask me why Im not with Rachel.
Phoebe: Yeah. (Pause) Why arent you with Rachel?
Ross: Are you kidding? Look, were not gonna be together just because were having a baby. Okay?
Phoebe: But yknow what? It just seems that you two belong together.
Ross: Okay, stop it! I cant deal with this right now. I have to go have a baby.
Phoebe: Right. And with who again? (Ross exits.)
Joey: God. Hes crazy! Why doesnt he want to be with Rachel?
Phoebe: I know!
Joey: I mean seriously, shes like the perfect woman. I mean I know she turned me down, but if she hadnt and wanted to be with me, I would take her in my arms and (Realizes everyone is staring.) I havent bummed you guys out like this in a while have I?
Ross: (To Rachel) Hey. Whos that?
Rachel: New people.
Ross: What happened to the Disgustingtons?
Rachel: Theyre having their baby! Its not fair Ross we got here first! Right after you left they wheeled her off into delivery. Oh but not before she gave me a juicy shot of little Jamie just crowning away.
Ross: Wow! Sorry. So uh, how are the new people?
Rachel: Well they have uh, some unusual pet names for each other. Including umm, evil bitch and uh, sick bastard. Oh God oh! Contraction!
Ross: Yeah? Okay.
Rachel: Ooh! Ow!!
Evil Bitch: Are you looking at her?!
Sick Bastard: No!
Evil Bitch: Dont you look at her you sick bastard!
Sick Bastard: Honey I swear! I wasnt looking at her!
Evil Bitch: Shes in labor! You like that you sick son of a bitch!
Ross: Umm. Umm, Im-Im just gonna(Closes the privacy screen.)
Evil Bitch: See? See? It was because you were looking fat pervert!
Ross: No-no, Im Im sure no one was looking. Just want some privacy. (He closes the screen and stares wide-eyed at Rachel.)
Evil Bitch: You miss your girlfriend?
Ross: Just ignore them.
(Sick Bastard sits down in a chair that enables him to look around the screen and stare at Rachel.)
Ross: What? What?
Rachel: Hes looking at me.
Ross: (to him) Hey! You wanna live to see your baby?!
Evil Bitch: Dont you talk to my husband like that you stupid bastard!
(Ross shrugs his shoulders to Rachel and Sick Bastard closes the screen all the way.)
Monica: Oh good God! If you want a baby so bad just go steal it!
(The nurse attending to the babies hears this, turns and stares at Chandler. Chandler moves Monica to the side and away from the nurse.)
Monica: What is going on with you? Since when are you so crazy about babies?
Chandler: Im not crazy about babies. Im crazy about us.
Chandler: Look, weve always talked about having babies someday. Im not saying it has to be right now, but Im starting to think that we can handle it. Were good. Were really good.
Monica: We are pretty good.
Chandler: But nothing has to happen until your ready.
Monica: Well maybe Im ready now. I mean, its a little scary, but maybe its right.
Chandler: What?! Its not right! Were not ready to have a kid now!!
Chandler: Im kidding. This is going to be fun.
Monica: So were gonna try? I mean, are we trying?
Chandler: Were trying to get pregnant. (They start kissing, but Chandler stops it.) Yknow Im not really comfortable doing this in front of the babies. So, when do you want to start trying?
Monica: Okay, hold on a sec.
Chandler: Period math?
Monica: Well, we could start trying. Now.
Chandler: Right here?
Monica: No, not here. Maybe here.
Chandler: Wait a minute, its perfect. We got a lot of time to kill and were in a building thats full of beds!
Monica: And its so clean!!
(They run off in search of a bed.)
Joey: Come on you stupid machine! Come on!
Phoebe: Oh, it ate your money?
Joey: (looking at her) No.
Phoebe: All right, Ill see you downstairs then.
Joey: All right.
Phoebe: All right.
Joey: Hey I got one! I got one!
Man: Oh uh, up or down?
Phoebe: Oh down please. (The guy tries to reach the button, but cant.) I-I hate to be a ball buster can I just do it? (She pushes the button.)
Man: Could you press up too please?
Phoebe: Sure! I feel so bad for you; I broke my leg once too.
Man: Oh yeah? Howd yours happen?
Phoebe: Well, its a long story. Its kind of embarrassing. Lets just say there was a typographical error with a sex manual. (The guy laughs.) How about you?
Man: Car accident.
Man: Oh, let me guess some idiot on a cell phone wasnt paying attention?
Man: Yeah. Me. (The elevator door opens.) Oh hey, thats me. (Rolls onto the elevator.) Hey uh, I take it youre just visiting someone.
Phoebe: Uh-huh, yeah.
Man: Well umm, if you have sometime yknow and maybe you might want to visit someone else
Phoebe: Oh yeah! I-I would like that.
Man: Im in the middle (The elevator door closes, cutting him off.)
Phoebe: Wait! What?! No!! Elevator!! No!
Joey: (standing behind her) Uh, you gotta press the button. (Does so.)
Ross: The nurse said theyre bringing in another woman.
Rachel: Ugh, is she pregnant yet? She doesnt need to be; shell still have the baby before I do. Oh Ross, another contraction! (Leans back on Ross for some support.)
Ross: Thats it. Thats it.
(The next couple enters.)
Woman: Oooh, that sounded like a bad one.
Rachel: Yeah it was.
Woman: Mine havent been so bad. Oh! Here comes one now. (Hums then squeals a little bit.) Oh, that was a big one!
(Rachel motions for Ross to close the privacy screen, which he does.)
Phoebe: (to the nurse) Excuse me? Could you help me with something? The patient Im looking for has a broken leg and is in a wheelchair. And umm, hes like early to mid-thirties, very attractive.
Nurse: I think I know who youre talking about.
Phoebe: Oh yay! Great! Okay, what room number is he in?
Nurse: Im sorry, that information is restricted to hospital staff
Joey: (walks up) Uh, shes with me. (Introduces himself) Dr. Drake Remoray.
Nurse: Dr. Drake who?
Joey: Remoray. Its Portuguese. We need that information; Im a doctor.
Nurse: A doctor at this hospital?
Joey: Damnit woman were losing precious time! Now do you want this mans blood on your head?
Joey: Hands! It is absolutely essential that you tell me what room the man my assistant described is staying in. Hes a patient of mine, Ive been treating him for years!
Nurse: Hes in room 816.
Joey: 816, thank you!
Phoebe: Thank you. (Starts to exit.)
(Joey starts to leave, but stops.)
Joey: And what is his name?
Phoebe: (coming back for Joey) No! (Grabs Joey and drags him away.)
Monica: I think we found a place.
Chandler: Okay. (They start kissing.)
Monica: Umm, wait! Do you want to set the mood a little?
Chandler: Okay. Uh, well dim the lights, dim the lights. (He goes to the light switch and finds its not a dimmer switch when he flips the lights off.) Or turn them out all together. Uh, no scented candles. Okay here. Here we go. (He sprays an aerosol air freshener above her.)
Monica: Okay! Okay! Make me sterile, but okay.
(He hops onto the bed and they start making out.)
Monica: Okay. Lets hurryOh wait! Do we have a condom? (He looks at her.) Oh right! (Laughs and they resume making out when a nurse catches them in the act.)
Chandler: Yes, 98.6. Youre gonna be fine.
Phoebe: Ooh, this is it! (Looks in the window.) Oh, thats him! Thats him!
Joey: Great! Go get him.
Phoebe: Wait a second, or maybe you can go in first.
Joey: (looks in the window) Hes not really my type.
Phoebe: No not you, Dr. Drake Remoray. You can ask him questions and see whats he like. People tell doctors everything.
Joey: But you said he was this great guy!
Phoebe: But lately all the guys I meet seem really nice at first, then they turn out to be the biggest jerks.
Joey: You do attract some stinkers.
Rachel: Dr. Long, Ive been at this for seventeen hours! Three women have come and gone with their babies, you gotta give me some good news! How many centimeters am I dilated? Eight? Nine?
Dr. Long: Three.
Ross: Just three?! Im dilated three!
Dr. Long: We are moving along, just slowly. (Rachel lies back and sighs.) Dont worry, youre doing great. Ill be back soon. (Exits.)
Rachel: Hey, yknow what? Im not waiting! Im gonna push this baby out! Im doing it! I mean its what? Three centimeters? Thats gotta be like this! (Holds her hands a couple inches apart.)
Ross: Actually its more like this. (Pushes her hands to less than an inch apart.)
Rachel: Oh stupid metric system!
(Another woman with a nurse and doctor enter, the woman is screaming.)
Doctor: Oh my. Were gonna need to take you straight to the delivery room.
Rachel: Oh for the love of God!
Woman Giving Birth: (yelling from the hallway) Its coming! Its coming!
Doctor: And here it is! (The baby cries.)
Rachel: Oh come on!!
Joey: Hi! Im Dr. Drake Remoray and I have a few routine questions I need to ask you.
Man: Really? Ive been dealing with Dr. Wells.
Joey: I know, but Im a neurologist. And just to be on the safe side, Dr. Wells wanted a more comprehensive overview of you status so he sent me.
Man: Dr. Wells is a woman.
Joey: That was a test. Good response. All right, full name.
Man: Clifford Burnett.
Joey: Date of birth?
Cliff: November 16th, 1968.
Cliff: Cant you figure that out based on my date of birth?
Joey: Im a doctor Cliff, not a mathematician.
Cliff: Im 33.
Joey: Okay. And uh, are you married.
Joey: Oh really? So, 33 and still single, would you say you have commitment issues?
Cliff: Are all the questions this personal?
Joey: (checking the list) Yes.
Cliff: Well uh if you must know Im a widower.
Joey: Oh thats terrible. Im-Im really sorry.
Joey: Hmm. Do you sleep with women and never call them again?
Joey: Excellent! Excellent! And uh, finally, are you into any weird stuff yknow, sexually?
Joey: Oooh, wrong answer. (Exits.)
Nurse: (calling to the woman) This rooms available.
Rachel: Okay! Okay wait! You listen to me! You listen to me! Since I have been waiting four women, thats four, one higher than the number of centimeters that I am dilated, have come and gone with their babies! Im next! Its my turn! Its only fair! And if you bring in one woman and she has her baby before me Im going to sue you! Not this hospital, Im going to sue you! And my husband (Points at Ross) hes a lawyer!
Ross: Uh Rach
Rachel: Go get back on that case honey!
Nurse: I dont think the next patient is very far along.
Rachel: Okay, well then bring her in.
(Another nurse wheels the next pregnant woman in.)
Woman: OH .MY .GAWD!!! (Uh-huh, its Janice.)
(Ross and Rachel are, needless to say, stunned at the arrival of Janice.)
Janice: I .cant .believe this!
Ross: And yet somehow its true!
Janice: I mean this is so great! Were gonna be baby buddies! (Does the laugh.)
Ross: (To Rachel) Squeeze your legs together and cover the babys ears!
Man: (entering, carrying a pillow) Hi sweetie!
Janice: Hi! Hi sweetheart! This is my husband Sid, I dont think youve met him. Ross, Rachel, this is Sid. I nabbed him a year ago at the dermatologists office. Thank God for adult acne huh? (Does the laugh.)
Sid: I still cant believe it! Im the luckiest guy in the world!
Ross: (softly) Really?
Sid: (To Janice) Whatd he say?
Janice: Oh yknow what? You have to speak very loudly when youre talking to Sid, because hes almost completely deaf.
Ross: Oh there you go!
Rachel: I get it!
Janice: So? Congratulations you two, I didnt even know you got married.
Rachel: Oh we-we didnt.
Ross: No-no. We
Ross: Um uh Were-were just having this baby together but uh, uh thats all.
Ross: Uh well umm were just not in that place, yknow? But were very excited about this.
Janice: Oh. Well then shut me up. (Does the laugh.)
Rachel: Just tell me how.
Janice: Uh-oh, I feel another one coming. (She makes a sound like a goose during the contraction.)
Ross: Sid you lucky deaf bastard.