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|Script Saison 9 Episode 4|
Titre US : The One With The Sharks
Titre FR : Celui qui regardait des requins
Écrit par Andrew Reich et Ted Cohen
Réalisé par Ben Weiss
Traduit par Guillaume Martin
Phoebe: oh hey Ross oh Iím so glad someoneís here could you zip me up?
Phoebe: thank you can you believe no one between my apartment and here offered to do that for me.
Ross: people (shakes head, they sit) so why you all dressed up.
Phoebe: oh umm Mikeís picking me up for a date.
Ross: oh yea now um how is that going, is it getting serious?
Phoebe: oh I dunno I dunno, you know I mean I like him but am I ready to take my grade a loins off the meat market.
Ross: you know I really admire your whole dating attitude, itís so healthy Iím always like is this moving to fast? Is this moving to slow? Whereís this going?
Phoebe: yea you know you are a bit of a drama queen.
Ross: but you, your so much better off you just go from guy to guy having fun and never worrying that it terns into anything serious.
Phoebe: I wouldnít say never, you know thereís that guy (pause) well what about (pause) ok well thereís gotta be someone.
Ross: There isnít thatís what Iím saying. (All happy)
Phoebe: Oh my god youíre right.
Ross: I know and yet here you are all ready for the next date.
Phoebe: I canít believe I never realized this before, Iím in my thirtyís and never been in a long-term relationship oh my god (starts crying) whatís wrong with me.
Ross: no, no, no thereís nothing wrong with you I mean you donít strike me as the type of person that wants to get married anyway.
Phoebe: I wanna get married (grabs a tissue)
Ross: please donít cry because of me Pheebs I donít know what Iím talking about, Iíve been divorced three times.
Phoebe: least youíve been married, OH MY GOD! I wanna trade lives with Ross (cries more)
Mike: Phoebe (comes in smiling then sees Phoebe crying) whatís wrong?
Phoebe: nothing, Iím excited about our date, Mike this is Ross Geller this is Mike Haaaaa (starts crying)
Ross: Iím sorry I didnít catch.
Mike: its Mike Hanagen
Ross: Oh Ross Geller
Mike: Hey, so are you sure your ready to go.
Phoebe: uh huh (terns to Ross) how do I look (all her make up has gone everywhere)
Ross: do you have a compact in your purse?
Phoebe: (goes to cry) No
Ross: you look great.
Monica: hey Joey
Joey: Hey, this girl wonít turn around and I canít tell whether sheís hot or not, what do you think?
Monica: Joey I am not going to objectify woman with you (looks at the woman) but if her face is as nice as her ass woah mamma.
Joey: Alright thanks, Oh hey have you talked to Chandler?
Monica: yeah he has to stay in Tulsa this weekend
Joey: how come?
Monica: he has to work, thereís some rush on the big (pause, thinks) ah damn it one of these days Iím really gonna have to start listening when he talks about his job.
Joey: oh why donít you fly out there and surprise him.
Monica: maybe I will go (thinks) yea will have a second honeymoon at the Tulsa Ramada.
Joey: oh and you know what you should bring the black see-through teddy with the attached garters. (Nods)
Monica: how do you know I have one of those?
Joey: didnít till just now.
(Monica goes to the back and Joey looks at the girl)
Joey: hot not hot (she turns around) Hot!
Hayley: excuse me?
Joey: I said I think youíre hot and now Iím embarrassed.
Hayley: oh I thought you said Hi.
Joey: that wouldíve been better, Iíll try that Hi Iím Joey.
Hayley: Iím Hayley.
Joey: look I donít usually ask out women that I meet in coffeehouses
Joey: (turns round) gesundheit
Hayley: I would love to go out with you.
Joey: really, great, did I actually ask you?
Hayley: no thatís just where you were going I just figured that Iíd help you out, you donít seem like the kind of guy that does this very a lot.
Joey: (turns round again) seriously Gunther you should see someone about that cold, if it gets much worse you could DIE! (Gunther looks scared)
Ross: so howíd the date go?
Phoebe: well it was awful every time I thought about what you said I started crying.
Ross: So he hasnít called?
Phoebe: would you call this girl? (Puts on a crying act) thanks-fo-r-a-love-ly-even-ing
Ross: now I feel terrible this is all my fault.
Phoebe: well you not what you should feel terrible about, this could have been my serious guy he was sweet and smart and funny. Do you know how hard it is to meet a guy like that?
Ross: We are a rare breed.
Hayley: what a great dinner.
Joey: yeah and hey thanks again for letting me having that last piece of cake at the restaurant.
Hayley: (laughs) your welcome again, Iím gonna make some coffee can I get you anything?
Joey: do you have any cake?
(Hayley laughs and goes into the kitchen thinking itís a joke, Joey doesnít see whatís so funny about it)
>>> Joeyís Subconscious
So this is going pretty good. dinner was nice, got a lot in common. (Sees a magazine) Victoriaís secret huh we even like the same books. (Walks over to a painting on the wall) Oh now thereís a scary painting. wait a minute I think Iíve been scared by that painting before. (Looks around) You know what this whole place look familiar I have definitely been in this apartment I know Iíve seen this weird plant before (itís a cactus and he touchís it) OUCH! It did that the last time. Oh my god, Iíve gone out with this girl before yeah we had sex on this couch and then on that chair and no. no we didnít do it hear which is weird because it seems like a perfectly good place.
Joey: (bends down to see and the cactus pricks him in the ass) OUCH! Thatís why.
Ross: (He knocks at the door, Mike opens it) Hey Mike sorry to just drop by like this, can I come in?
Mike: Sure (looks confused) who are you?
Ross: Iím Ross, Phoebeís friend from the coffeehouse.
Ross: yeah I really, really need to talk to you about something.
Mike: Ok, unless youíre not gonna try to get me to join a cult are you?
Ross: (laughs) No
Mike: oh itís just you have that look (shuts the front door)
Ross: Damn super cuts!
Mike: whatís up is Phoebe ok?
Ross: oh no yeah, no Phoebe is great, but umm Iím an idiot look right before you guys went out I accidentally got her all upset.
Mike: thatís why she was weird.
Ross: yes, yeah I said something stupid about her never having had a serious relationship, but you should know she is so much fun, a wonderful person please donít blow her off.
Mike: Iím not blowing her off, I actually just got off the phone with her, were going out tomorrow night, I mean I hope thatís ok with you stranger from the coffee house.
Ross: well then I didnít need to bother you or the four other Mike Hanagenís I bothered.
Mike: hey wait wait wait wait wait! Is that true what you said Phoebeís never had a serious relationship?
Ross: of course she has. if sheíd never had a serious relationship Iíd go round broadcasting it like some unstoppable moron.
Mike: but you did say it
Ross: yes, yes I did. and I will also say what Iím about to say Vis-ŗ-vis the following Phoebe has never had a serious relationship since her. super-serious relationship with. Vicrum.
Ross: WHAT THATíS A REAL NAME!
Chandler: (enters singing) Oklahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plane, STOP IT! Why couldnít they have sent me to Texas? 7 o clock maybe Iíll hit the gym (sits down) who am I kidding pay-per-view porn.
Cuts to Monica (Sheís just arrived outside his room she fixes a bent photo hanging on the wall then sprays mint in her mouth and enter)
Chandler: DO NOT DISTURB DO NOT DISTURB! Monica (smiles)
Monica: is everything all right?
Chandler: everythingís great, just watching some regular television there, what a pleasant surprise. (She hugs him, and she knows what he was doing so she looks at the TV and sees sharks swimming around thinking Chandler was giving himself a treat to sharks.)
Monica: Iím gonna go freshen up ok
Chandler: Ok honey. that was close.
Cut to Rachel (Phone ringing)
Monica: Hey Rach its me ok I just got the Chandlerís room and I caught him molesting himself.
Rachel: Oh that couldnít have been pretty. but you know guys do that.
Monica: yea well the weird part is... he was getting off to a shark attack show!
Monica: Yes! Chandler Watches Shark Porn!
Rachel: well watching sharks? Are you sure thatís what he was doing?
Monica: do you know how many times Iíve seen him jump up like that, believe me I know what he was doing.
Rachel: man sharks. I always knew there was something weird about that dude. But you promised to love him no matter what.
Monica: what means if he gets like a disease or kills someone. not if he gets his jollys to jaws!
Rachel: Ah! You know what honey guys are just different, they like things that we canít understand, you know I once dated this guy who wanted to pretend he was an archeologist and I was a naughty cave woman that he unfroze from a block of ice.
Monica: Eww are you talking about my bother.
Rachel: yeah I didnít disguise that very well did I.
Joey: (enters) Hey
Rachel: (sits down) Hi
Joey: listen to this... I went out with this girl last night and half way through our date I realized I already slept with her.
(Monica makes a strange face and sits down)
Rachel: so basically youíve slept with all the woman in New York and now youíre just going around again.
Joey: well thatís not even the weird part. I donít think she remembered sleeping with me.
Monica: But you donít remember sleeping with her.
Joey: yeah but she should remember sleeping with me I am very memorable, you guys know.
Rachel: what, how do we know, we never slept with you.
Joey: and whoís fault is that.
Monica: whatís the big deal, you forgot, she forgot, maybe you were having an off night
Joey: HEY! I never have an off night ok although sometimes when Iím a little bloated I donít feel very sexy BUT EVEN THEN IíM BETTER THEN MOST!
Monica: Honey why donít you just let it go and ask her out again.
Rachel: yeah your both so slutty you donít even remember who youíve slept with, youíre made for each other.
Joey: Interesting. all right Iíll go out with her again and try to get past it (reaches for the chips) OH SALT BLOATY!
Monica: Joey, Joey.
Monica: you donít think sharks are sexy do you?
Joey: No. (Pause) wait a minute what was the little mermaid?
(Monica just looks at him, and Rachel wants to laugh)
Phoebe: Itís open.
Phoebe: HEY! Mike called were going out again! YAY! YAY! (She dances around with happiness)
Ross: YAY! (He continues the happiness with her by dancing around) quick thing, I went to talk to Mike.
Phoebe: What? Wha-wha-wha-did you do ROSS!
Ross: oh boy you got mad at that part. I went over there to tell him how great you are but you know me BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, and I ended up telling him that.
Ross: umm. that you had a six year long relationship with a guy named Vicrum.
Phoebe: WHAT! WHY?
Ross: well he seemed to bum hard that youíd never been in a serious relationship.
Phoebe: (Walks towards Ross) If you hadnít just had a baby with my best friend I swear to Lucifer a rabid dog would be feasting on your danglers RIGHT NOW!
Ross: well Phoebe, I think youíll feel better when you know a little bit about Vicrum, His a Kite designer (He makes a wow face) and he used to date Oprah. (He makes another wow face)
Phoebe: Iím not going along with some lie you made Ross, No Iím just gonna be honest with him.
Ross: Good yeah just be honest with him.
Phoebe: yeah Iíve nothing to be ashamed of ok so I havenít been in a relationship that lasted longer then a month. Ok I havenít had a real boyfriend you know if he canít handle that he can leave. which he will and thatís ok. so Iíll just be alone forever you know alright Iíll be. itíll be fine. itíll be fine. Iíll go walking tours with widows and lesbians. Oh (takes a deep breath and sits down, knock on the door)
Ross: Iíll get it
Mike: (Ross opens the door) You know Iím trying to think of the last time I opened a door and you werenít there, Phoebe are you ok? (She has her hands over her mouth)
Phoebe: Uh huh yeah (stands up) thereís just something umm, thereís something you should know (Pause) Vicrum just called.
Hayley: so it was kind of a shock after 25 years of marriage my parents, a perfect couple getting divorced, I kinda took it the hardest cause I was the youngest.
Joey: Uh huh, sure, yeah. How can you not remember me?
Joey: How could you not remember that we slept together?
Hayley: What! When?
Joey: I dunno!
Hayley: I really, really think I would remember sleeping with you
Joey: come on, come on, search your brain all right. it was (thinks) a certain amount of time ago, I was here you were here, we had sex (starts pointing out the places) here, here, here NOT there. Anything?
Hayley: no itís not ringing any bells.
Joey: my god woman! How many people do you have to had been with not to remember any of this?
Hayleyís roommate: Hey Hayley youíve really gotta fix that doorknob. Joey!
Joey: Ooooooooooh, I slept with you! And you obviously remember me Hey! I still got it. (Turns back to Hayley) so were good. (She just glares at him) Iíll let myself out.
Phoebe: .and I said Vicrum you canít just call every time you get lonely you know, you, you gave up that right when you slept with Rachel.
Mike: But Rachel I thought she just had a baby with Ross
Phoebe: yeah well (pause) yeah you know Emmaís birth certificate might say Geller but her eyes say Mookurgee.
Mike: that is so wrong and on top of that his a glue sniffer.
Phoebe: I know but he callís and my heart goes to him. You know that bastard is one smooth talking free lance kite designer.
Mike: I just think thereís somebody better out there for you, (pause) I mean Iím not saying me but. maybe me.
Mike: and you donít have to worry about glue sniffing with me. although I do smell the occasional magic marker, yeah ah anyway I just think I can make you happy.
Phoebe: ok I canít do this.
Mike: whatís wrong?
Phoebe: well there is no Vicrum, Ross made him up because I never really have been in a long-term relationship, Iíve never lived with a guy, and Iíve never even celebrated an anniversary so. (Pause) if thatís too weird for you and you wanna leave I totally understand. In fact Iíll close my eyeís make it less awkward (She sits with her eyes closed and Mike kisses her, Phoebe opens her eyes and like a little child says.) You kissed me.
Mike: uh huh
Phoebe: so you donít think Iím a total freak
Mike: No. well look can I think your weird and also cool for telling me the truth and also wanna kiss you.
Phoebe: I guess so, can I. can I think itís cool that you kiss me and also wanna kiss you again (they get closer to kiss and Phoebe pulls back) and umm, be a little concerned about the magic markers.
Ross: (They kiss and the phone rings and machine picks it up, its Ross putting on an accent pretending to be Vicrum) This is Vicrum.
Chandler: Hi honey Iím home!
Monica: Hi, how was your flight? (She hugs him)
Chandler: oh it was great.
Monica: Here why donít you sit down, get yourself comfortable because I. (Monica shows him the tape then puts it in) have a little surprise for you.
Chandler: well, well, well it must be five in Tulsa because itís six o clock IN NYC!
Monica: Ok (sits down next to him) This is how much I love you. (She presses play then puts her arm around Chandlerís neck.)
Chandler: (Chandler looking confused) Honey why am I watching a bunch of sharks swimming around.
Monica: Is this not the good part? Do you want me to fast forward to something a little toothier.
Chandler: no Iím not quite sure you got the right movie thatís all.
Monica: Oh well this is the only one they had at our video store, but they did have something called crocodile killers. Or does it always have to be sharks?
Chandler: does what always have to be sharks.
Monica: Honey look we can do something else, do you want me to get into the tub and thrash.
Chandler: Whatís going on?
Monica: sweetie itís ok, I still love you, let me be a part of this.
Chandler: let ME be a part of this!
Monica: I saw what you were doing in Tulsa. angry sharks turn you on!
Chandler: no they donít
Monica: then why were you watching them and giving YOURSELF a treat.
Chandler: OH MY GOD! When you came in I switched the channel, I was just watching regular porn
Chandler: yeah just some good old fashion girl on girl American action.
Monica: I cannot tell you how happy that makes me! (They hug)
Chandler: You are an amazing wife. (Monica shrugs) No really youíre amazing you were actually gonna do this for me, I mean where do you find the strength and understanding over something like that.
Monica: Iím very, very drunk right now.
(They hug, Scene fades to black)
Joey: (looks at a girl walk in) see ordinarily I would talk to her, but my confidence is shaken did I sleep with her? Did I not sleep with her?
Phoebe: you know maybe this is a wake up call, about your whole dating attitude. Your in your thirtyís and youíve never had a serious relationship and you have never been in a long term relationship, here you go from woman to woman, meaningless experience to meaningless experience never even worrying that it doesnít tern into anything serious.
Joey: your right! I love my life! (He gets up to go and speak to the girl and he turns back and sits down) I actually did sleep with her.