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|Script Saison 9 Episode 20|
Titre US : The One With The Soap Opera Party
Titre FR : Celui qui allait ŗ une soirťe privťe
Écrit par Andrew Reich, Dana Klein Borkow et Ted Cohen
Réalisé par Sheldon Epps
Transcrit par Eleonora , Pheeboh et Vanessa
Traduit par Guillaume Martin
Joey: (enters the room) Hey, you guys, what are you doing tomorrow night?
Chandler: (browsing through a diary) Well, let me see... I-I believe Iím... yes, falling asleep in front of the TV.
Joey: Look, my agent hooked me up with six tickets to a great play.
Chandler: I could fall asleep at a play.
Phoebe: What is it?
Joey: Itís a one-woman play called "Why donít you like me: a bitter womanís journey through life".
Monica: It sounds interesting!
Ross: Yeah, it does sound interesting, I mean, to listen to a woman complain for two hours, I donít think it gets bett... (Ross starts snoring, faking to fall asleep)
Phoebe: I know, I know, we can drive, we can vote, we can work, what more do these broads want?
Joey: You guys are gonna have a great time, I promise!
Ross: What? How come that you donít have to go!
Joey: I wish I could but I just found out that I have to be at work really early the next day, so I canít go, but, you know, take the extra ticket and invite whoever you want.
Chandler: (browsing through a diary) Uh, letís see, who do I hate?
Rachel: (gets up from the sofa and moves to the kitchen but Joey blocks her way) Oh, sorry... Oops, sorry.
Joey: (lifts Rachel up and moves her behind him so she can walk on) Hey, here you go.
Rachel: Ooh... oooh... (pause) (Rachel is all bah-jiggity about Joey) oh, ah... (pause) (to Monica) Can I ask you a question?
Rachel: Do you think itís possible for two friends to fool around and... and not have it be a big deal?
Monica: No, I donít think it ever works. Why?
Rachel: No reason.
Monica: No, no, Rachel?
Monica: Who do you wanna fool around with?
Rachel: (with high pitched voice) Nobody, forget it!
(Monica points at Joey, Rachel turns and sees him)
Rachel: (giggling and whispering) Maybe.
Monica: (whispering) You canít!
Rachel: (whispering) Why? (Monica gesticulates mumbling something that starts with "because") Seriously I did not understand a word that you said.
Monica: In the hall.
Monica: You wanna fool around with Joey?
Rachel: Yeah! You know, ever since I had that dream about him, and canít get it out of my head! And whatís the big deal, people do it all the time!
Monica: Who? Who do you know that are friends that just fool around?
Rachel: Ok, off the top of my head... Don and Janet.
Monica: Who, who are they?
Rachel: I know them from work.
Monica: Both of them?
Rachel: No, one of them...
Monica: Which one?
Rachel: I donít know, what were the names I just said?
Monica: Rachel, things can get incredibly complicated.
Rachel: All right, all right, youíre right, I wonít do anything with Joey, I just thought that we (Joey enters the hall) Ok so that would be two cups of tarragon, one pound of baking soda and one red onion? (Joey enters his apartment)
Monica: What the hell are you cooking!
Ross: Hey, you guys wonít believe what I have to do for work today.
Chandler: Yes, but, Ross you chose a career of talking about dinosaurs.
Ross: (covering with his hand Chandlerís face, like pretending heís not there) (to Monica) Thereíre these two professors who are joining my department and I have to meet them here and show them around campus.
Monica: Whatís so bad about that?
Ross: Itís I just know theyíre gonna be a couple of windbags wearing tweed jackets with suede elbow patches.
Monica: (fingering her elbow): Ross?
Ross: (looking his elbow, where thereís a patch) These arenít suede.
(a woman walks in)
Charlie: (to Gunther) Excuse me, Iím looking for someone. You donít, by any chance, know a Ross Geller?
Ross: Hi, hi, Iím Ross Geller.
Charlie: Oh, hi. Iím professor Wealer.
Ross: Oh, oh, thatís, thatís, thatís nice.
Charlie: Itís a... Itís good to meet you! Thank you so much for taking the time out to show me around.
Ross: Oh, no, itís no big deal, I mean, if I werenít doing this Iíd just, you know, be at the gym working out.
Monica: (to Chandler) Is he gonna introduce us?
Chandler: (to Monica) No, I think weíre just blurry shapes to him now.
Charlie: And, by the way, I really enjoyed your paper on the connection between geographic isolation and rapid mutagenesis.
Ross: Oh, ha, I wrote that in one minute.
Monica: (to chandler) Twenty bucks says theyíre married within the month.
Ross: (hitting Monica with his suitcase) (to Charlie) We should probably get going, you know, we got a lot of ground to cover.
Charlie: Oh, ah, isnít there another professor that is supposed to come with us?
Ross: I donít think so.
Charlie: Iím pretty sure, professor Spafford from Cornell?
Ross: Oh, well heís obviously late and the rule in my class is "if you canít come on time, then donít come at all". (pause) An option that many of my students use. (pause) Shall we?
Charlie: You donít think we should wait for him?
Ross: You know what, heís a big boy, Iím sure heíll find us, ok?
Professor Spafford: Professor Geller?
Ross: Oh, damn it!
(Rachel enters the room and checks the answering machine)
Jane: (from the answering machine) Hi Joey itís Jane Rogers, canít wait for your party tonight. Listen, I forgot your address, can you give me a call? Thanks, bye.
Joey: (entering the room) Hey!
Joey: Whatís happeniní?
Rachel: Yeah, itís a real shame you canít make it to that one-woman show tonight.
Joey: Oh, Iíd love to, but I gotta get up so early the next day and so, you know me, work comes first
Rachel: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... (she plays the answering machine)
Message: "Hi Joey, itís Jane Rogers canít wait for your party tonight" (Joeyís upset and stops it)
Joey: (yelling) Stupid Jane Rogers!!
Rachel: (angry) You are having a party tonight??
Joey: Kinda have a... a thing for the Days Of Our Lifeís people.
Rachel: And you werenít going to tell us? How did you think you were gonna get away with that?
Joey: I do it every year.
Rachel: You do that every year??
Joey: I didnít have to tell you that!! Iím stupider than Jane Rogers!!
Rachel: Oh, thatís why you got these tickets to that play, to get rid of us??
Rachel: And last year is that why you sent us to that medieval times restaurant?
Rachel: OH! And the year before that, when you set up that nighttime tour of that button factory?
Joey: (Smiling) I canít believe you guys went for that one!
Rachel: Joey, why wouldnít you invite us to your parties?
Joey: Youíre fine, ok? But everyone else acts like an idiot around famous people!
Rachel: Well, then so you just invite me...!
Joey: (speaking aloud) Please, I was trying to be nice, youíre the worst one!
Rachel: Oh, Joey, come on! Please, please! Let me come, I will behave, I promise! I will behave! Please, please, please...
Joey: Ok, ok! Fine! You can come, but donít tell anybody else. Itís up on the roof at 8.
Rachel: (yelling and jumping like a child) OH, a soap opera roof party!! Iím going to a soap opera roof party!! Oh my God, oh my God!! (realizing how sheís behaving) And itís out of my system!
Professor Spafford: (speaking very slowly) And then my wife and I went on a cruise to the Galapagos. There was a sea food buffet you wouldnít believe. There were clams, and mussels, and oysters, and cracked crab, and snow crab, and king crab. Itís a pity Iím allergic to shellfish.
Ross: (very bored, he tries to avoid the conversation speaking to Charlie) So, where did you get your undergraduate degree?
Professor Spafford: And thatís not all Iím allergic to.
Ross: (to Charlie) Oh, itís not over!
Professor Spafford: Iím also allergic to peanuts, and cashews, and almonds, and filberts...
Ross: So basically all nuts?
Professor Spafford: Interestingly... no.
Charlie: Kinda playing fast and loose with the word "interesting".
Professor Spafford: If youíll excuse me Iím going to use the restroom. (he goes away)
Charlie: Oh my God!!
Ross: Iíve lost the will to live.
Charlie: Letís ditch him!
Charlie: Come on, heís still in the bathroom! Iím begging you!
Ross: Oh... ok, fine. But... ehm... I just have one question for you, ehm... (aping Professor Spafford) When we exit should we walk, or run, or prance, or stroll...
Charlie: Stop it, stop it! He talks slow but he might pee fast! Ok, letís go!! (they run outside)
Ross: (entering with Charlie) Oh, hey you guys! This is Charlie! Charlie, this is Phoebe and my sister, Monica.
Ross: Yeah, Charlie is gonna be joining my department.
Phoebe: Oh, youíre a paleonthologist, too! (pause) Oh, ok, now, what do you think of Ranionís new theory of speciesí variegation in segmented arthopods?
Charlie: Well, I think heís a little out there, but he does have some interesting ideas...
Phoebe: Ah, ah.
Charlie: (her mobile phone rings) Oh, Iím sorry. Iíll take this. Excuse me. (she cuts herself off for a moment)
Ross: (to Phoebe) Ranionís theory of species variegation?
Phoebe: Yeah, I saw the article on your coffee table and I memorized the title to freak you out!
Monica: (to Ross) So, did you two have fun?
Ross: Oh my God, sheís great! I mean, we-we have so much in common and sheís just cool, and funny...
Monica: And I donít know if youíve noticed but sheís a (aloud) HOTTY!! (Charlie looks at her) HI!
Rachel: (she enters wearing a bath-robe) Hey... Hi you guys! Listen, you know what? Iím not feeling really well. I think I canít get out for the play.
Ross: Really? Wh-whatís wrong?
Rachel: I donít know! I think itís kind of serious! Oh, you know... I was watching this thing on TV this morning about... Newcastle disease... and I think I might have it!!
Charlie: Oh, Newcastle disease is a secretion borne virus that only affects chickens and... other poultry.
Rachel: ... Ok, who is this?
Ross: Iím sorry, Rachel, this is Charlie Wealer, sheís a collegue.
Rachel: Oh, hi! I would check your hand but... Iím sure you donít want to get my chicken disease!
Monica: Hey, Rachel, Can-can I see you for a sec?
Rachel: Sure! (Monica takes her apart) Oh...
Monica: Youíre not sick!
Rachel: What? Yes, I am!
Monica: Ok, then, why are you... (she opens her robe revealing a nice black dress) all dressed up??
Rachel: When youíre sick, you do whatever you can to make yourself feel better! (she closes her robe)
Monica: You just wanna stay home so you can make a move on Joey!
Rachel: Oh, no, no! I heard you before, that is so not what this is!
Monica: Ok, what is this?
Rachel: Ok! (whispering) Joey is having a secret Days Of Our Lives party up on the roof and he sent you guys to the play to get rid of you!
Monica: (aloud) WHAT?
Ross: (looking at them) Wh-whatís going on?
Monica: Joey is having a secret Days Of Our Lives party up on the roof!
Rachel: And he didnít want you guys to know about it but I came over here to tell you!!
Charlie: I thought you came to say you were sick.
Rachel: Ok professor or detective?
Phoebe: Joeyís having a party and he wasnít gonna invite us?
Rachel: Yeah, and he does it every year! Thatís why heís sending you to that play! Thatís why he sent us to that medieval restaurant and to that button factory!
Phoebe: And that horrible museum tour!
Ross: No, I arranged that...
(Joey enters, wearing a bathrobe)
Joey: (sounds tired) Hey you guys, Iím turning in. Have fun.
Phoebe: We know about your party Joey.
Joey: What party?
Monica: The gameís over! Take off your robe!
Joey: (looks perplexed and opens up his robe) Ok... I mean...
Everyone: No!! Cover it up!!
Joey: (to Charlie after covering himself up again) Nice to meet ya! (Charlie waves hesitantly and Joey leaves)
Joey: (To some people) Hey! Hey alright! Hey, glad you could make it (Shakes a manís hand) Thanks for coming.
Monica: Oh my God! Kyle Lowder!
Kyle Lowder: (to Monica) Hi. (walks on)
Monica: (Yells after him) I love you!
Joey: Hey, thatís why I didnít invite you. you have to calm down, alright... go, go get yourself a drink or something...
Monica: Oh yeah thatís what you want - my inhibitions lowered.
Monica: (Excited) Oh my God, can you believe we are surrounded by all this? I can barely control myself.
Phoebe: Monica, you might want to remember that you are married. Where is Chandler anyway? (Looks around)
Monica: (Shocked) Oh my God! Chandler!
Chandler: Where the hell is everybody?
(The lights dim and Chandler tries to get away but as the bitter lady comes on stage and starts yelling he promptly changes his mind and sits down)
Bitter lady: (yelling) Why donít you like me?! Chapter One: My first period.
Monica: (to Rachel) Hey! Joey said no autographs! But if sheís gettting one, then I want one too: To Monica. And none of this "best wishes" crap. I want "love".
Rachel: Ok actually Mon, Matthew was just giving me his phone number.
Monica: Oh man! If I had known I was coming to this party I never would have gotten married!
Matthew Ashford: It was nice to meet you Rachel.
Rachel: Nice to meet you.
Matthew Ashford: Call me.
Monica: (yelling after him) We will!!
Monica: (to Rachel) Look at you with all the guys!
Monica: I guess you have forgotten all about Joey?
Rachel: Yeah, well, I guess I have forgotten about Joey and clearly youíve forgotten about Chandler!
Monica: Please... Chandler is the love of my life... (At which point a man in leather pants walks by)... oooh leather pants! Have Mercy! (Follows the man in the leather)
(cut to Ross and Charlie)
Ross: (to Charlie) So, eh... itís probably gonna be hard for you to leave Boston, huh?
Charlie: Actually, Iím kinda happy to be leaving... I just broke up with someeone.
Ross: Ooh... so sad... Still, it canít be easy for you to leave Harvard? Especially after working alongside a Nobel Prize winner like Albert Wintermeyer?
Charlie: Actually, Alby is the guy I broke up with.
Ross: You... you dated Albert Wintermeyer?
Ross: ... And you called him Alby!? (laughs) I mean thatís like... like calling Albert Einstein... er... Alby...
Charlie: Yeah, well, he is a brilliant man.
Ross: Eh, you think? I mean, you went out with a guy who improved the accuracy of radiocarbon dating by a factor of 10!
Charlie: Yes! And while that is everything one looks for in a boyfriend, he had a lot of issues...
Ross: (very interested) Oh! like what?! (Charlie looks at him confused, but smiling) Oh Iím sorry, I donít mean to pry... itís just that this must be what regular people experience when they watch "Access Hollywood".
Charlie: Ok, you want the dirt? Alby was seriously insecure. I mean, he was really intimidated by the guy I dated before him.
Ross: Who is intimidating to a guy who won the Nobel Prize?
Charlie: A guy who won two.
Ross: (a little suprised) Two? Wha...? Donít tell me you dated Benjamin Hobart
Charlie: Yeah... for three years.
Ross: Oh my God! Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who hasnít won the Nobel Prize?
Charlie: (smiling and thinks for a moment)... no... bu but there was my first boyfriend Billy.
Ross: Oh yeah? no, no Nobel Prizes for him?
Charlie: No, but he did just win the McArthur genius grant.
Ross: Huh... huh... what a loser! Some more wine? (takes the half-full glasses and goes to the counter)
Phoebe: Hey Ross!
Rache: How is it going with Charlie?
Ross: (sarcastically) Oh Great! After I finish my wine Iím going to blow my... eh. average-sized brains out.
Phoebe: Oh, Whatís the matter?
Ross: She... she only dates geniuses and Nobel Prize winners. Oh my God, at the chinese restaurant earlier today, I put chopsticks in my mouth and pretented to be a woolly mammoth.
Rachel: I always loved that!!
Ross: Of course you would, your brains are smaller than mine!! (Rachel nods) Man, I canít compete with the guys she goes out with, they are so out of my league! oh my God!
Ross: Oh much, much worse. I did my impression of Joan Rivers as one of the earliest amphibians... (gestures with his hands and says in an impression voice?) "Can we walk"? (Phoebe starts laughing) Oh, you... you like that?
Phoebe: (still laughing) No. (points to Rachel who stuck two straws in her mouth to look like a mammothís tusks)
Ross: What? (turns around to look at Rachel)
Rachel: Come on! I think this is funny! (Ross leaves)
Bitter lady: Well, I bet you are all thinkiní "Now would be a really great time for an intermission", huh?
Chandler: (To himself) oh yes, God yes!!
Bitter lady: (now yelling) Well, youíre not gonna get one! Because in life there are no intermissions, people. Chapter 7: Divorce is a 4 letter word. (Now standing right in front of Chandler and bending down almost to his level as if speaking to him, yelling even louder) How could he leave me?!?!
Chandler: I... I donít know... you seem lovely.
Joey: Hey Ross, this is one of my co-stars, Dirk. (To Dirk) Dirk, this is my good friend Ross. (Ross and Dirk shake hands)
Ross: Nice to meet you.
Dirk: Hey! So what show are you on?
Ross: Oh, Iím no actor, Iím a professor of palaeontology.
(Dirk is confused)
Joey: Itís a science.
Dirk: Oh! Hey well listen, I play a scientist on "Days". And my character has just won the Nobel prize.
(Ross looks annoyed hearing that even Dirkís character won a Nobel prize)
Joey: Hey Ross, listen, Dirk was wondering about the woman that you brought and if you guys were together, or...
Ross: Oh, well no, but I mean, she only goes out with really, really smart guys.
Dirk: Hey, I got a 690 on my SATs.
Ross: Iíd lead with that.
(Cut to Monica holding up her shirt, revealing her bra. An actor stands beside her, holding a pen in his hand.)
Monica: Thatís it, just sign right on the bra (the actor does so).
Monica: Donít worry Joe, I wonít come next year!
(Joey, resigned, walks to Rachelís table)
Joey: (To Rachel) What have you got there?
Ross: Just some boys gave me their phone numbers.
Joey: Ah, let me see! (she hands him a pile of tissues) Damn, thatís a lot of guys! Are you a little slutty?
Rachel: (drunken voice) I think I am.
Joey: (browsing the tissues) Let me see if I approve any of these clowns. This guy wears a rug (discards one). This guyís Canadian (discards another). And this guy is in a cult, ok, and it costs you 5,000$ to get to level three and I donít feel any different.
(Rachel is puzzled)
Joey: (discarding all the remaining tissues one by one) Pass, pass, oh, pass, double-pass, pass...
Rachel: (picking up the tissues) Why, why, whatís wrong with these guys?
Joey: Nothing major, itís just that, you know, theyíre not really good enough for you, and you deserve the best.
Rachel: Joey, youíre so sweet.
Joey: Thatís true. But you know what, it doesnít matter because I already know who youíre gonna go home with tonight.
Rachel: Who (looks around)?
(Joey motions for Rachel to lean in. She does so.)
Rachel: (surprised) What? (with a nervous smile) Really?
Joey: Yes, ícause we live together, thatís a joke!
Rachel: Oh! Screw it, I didnít get it! (they high-five)
Rachel: Oh, Very funny... Joey.
(Joey leaves. Rachel gulps down whatís left of her drink and grimaces.)
(Chandler walks in)
Chandler: (to Monica) So, how did you enjoy the play?
Monica: Oh my god, honey, Iím so so so so so sorry.
Chandler: Well you should be. You missed the most powerful three hours in the history of the theater.
Monica: You really liked it?
Chandler: Oh yeah! I mean at first I hated it, but why wouldnít I, because as a man Iíve been trained (bitter womanís tone) not to listen! (pause) But after chapter 16: "fat, single and ready to mingle", I was uplifted.
Monica: Oh really!
Chandler: Oh yeah, I had no idea the amazing journey you go through as a woman! Tell me, tell me about your first period!
Chandler: Did somebody sign your bra?
Monica: So I got it when I was 13...
Phoebe: Hey Ross! So listen, about you and the dinosaur girl, are you really just gonna let a couple of Nobel prizes scare you off? What is that, come on, a piece of paper?
Ross: Itís actually a 1,000,000$ prize.
Phoebe: Go Charlie! But my point is, ok so she dated them but she also broke up with them. Maybe sheís looking to, you know, slam it with some average Joe Phd.
Ross: Yeah, maybe. I do have my whole career in front of me. I mean, I can still win a Nobel prize. Although the last two papers Iíve written were widely discredited.
Phoebe: Youíre so much more than just brains! Youíre sweet, and kind, and funny...
Ross: And sexy.
Phoebe: Ok well give her a chance to see all of that!
Ross: Yeah, youíre right, thanks Pheebs, Iím gonna go find her.
Phoebe: Good for you! And hey, I thought your paper on punctuated equilibrium in the Devonian era was top notch!
Ross: Stop going through my stuff (walks away)!
(Rachel approaches Monica)
Rachel: (to Monica) Hey!
Rachel: I just wanted to let you know Iíve changed my mind: Iím gonna do it, Iím gonna kiss Joey.
Monica: No, you canít! Friends hooking up is a bad idea.
Rachel: Please, what about you and Chandler?
Monica: Thatís different! I was drunk and stupid!
Rachel: Well hello (points to herself)!
Monica: What about all the guys that youíve got the phone numbers from? Why donít you just kiss one of them?
Rachel: I could, I could but I donít want to! I want to kiss Joey!
Monica: Alright (shrugs). I think itís a big mistake but itís your decision.
Rachel: (pause) Iím gonna do it.
Monica: And I canít stop you.
(Rachel goes look for Joey. She sees him and Charlie kissing passionately.)
Ross: (to Rachel) Hey Rach, have you seen Charlie anywhere?
(Rachel just stands there staring at Joey and Charlie in silence. After a while, Ross turns around and sees them.)
Ross: Iím smarter than him!
Phoebe: Hey, thank you so much for these tickets, Chandler.
Chandler: Oh well, this was a really important experience for me, and I wanted to share it with you.
Monica: Oh, youíre so wonderful.
Bitter woman: Why donít you like me! Chapter one: my first period.
Chandler: Canít believe you guys bought that, enjoy your slow death (runs away).