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|Script Saison 9 Episode 10|
Titre US : The One With Christmas in Tulsa
Titre FR : Celui qui passait NoŽl ŗ Tulsa
Écrit par Doty Abrams
Réalisé par Kevin S. Bright
Transcrit par David Buehrle
Traduit par Sabrina Boully
Phoebe: ...sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle;
and away they all flew like the down of a thistle;
but I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!"
Joey: (impressed) Wow, that was great! You really wrote that?
Phoebe: (smiling) Uh-huh.
Chandler: (coming from the bedroom) Say goodbye elves, Iím off to Tulsa.
Monica: I canít believe youíre not gonna be here for Christmas.
Ross: Youíre really not coming back?
Chandler: Yeah, we have all this paperwork that needs to be filed by the end of the year. If I donít get it done, Iíll be fired.
Monica: Itís so unfair, you donít even like your job!
Chandler: So, who does?
Phoebe: Oh, I like my job.
Joey: I *love* my job.
Rachel: Yeah, I canít *wait* to go back to work.
Ross: I canít get *enough* dinosaurs!
Chandler: Iím sorry, I wonít be here.
Monica: Itís just... Itís hard enough not seeing you during the week, but for Christmas... alright, if this is what you have to do, I understand.
Chandler: Thanks. (they kiss) Iíll see you New Yearís Day.
Monica: (shocked) Youíre not gonna be here New Yearís Eve??
Chandler: Did I not mention that?
Chandler: (thinks for a second, then waves his arms, exclaiming:) AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT! (and runs out of the apartment)
Chandler: All right everybody, I know that itís Christmas Eve and youíd rather be with your families, but thereís *no* call (he takes it off) for writing "Screw you, Mr. Bing!" on the back of my chair! (he looks at it) -- By the way, you can all call me Chandler.
(Wendy enters the conference room, carrying a cardboard box.)
Chandler: Hey. Whereíve you been?
Wendy: I was, uh, checking out that insurance companyís Christmas party on three, oh, it was really beautiful, they have all these decorations and this huge tree and I just, uh... to hell with them, we have to work. -- So I stole ther ham. (She turns the cardboard box upside down over the conference table, a big piece of ham falls out.)
Chandler: (to the others) You hear that? You may not be with your families, but at least itís gonna smell like ham in here.
Claudia: My kidís in a play right now.
Chandler: Yíknow what, I know what will cheer you guys up! (he starts spreading envelopes among them) I had a little talk with the boys in New York, told íem about all the hard work youíve been doing and that a little Christmas bonus may be in order.
Ken: (reading off his card) "A donation has been made in your name to the New York City Ballet".
Chandler: Well, thatís like money in your pocket! - Alright look, you want me to say it? This sucks. Being here sucks! This work sucks!
Wendy: *Now* it feels like Christmas.
Chandler: Iím sorry. Hey, at least you guys get to go home and be with your families tonight. I have to go back to an empty hotel room and lay down on a very questionable bedspread. And then tomorrow morning, you get to have Christmas morning in your own houses, wich, by the way, none of you have invited me to.
Ken: You can come to my house!
Chandler: Haha, no thanks!
Wendy: That was a nice pep-talk.
Chandler: Oh, thanks! Iím... actually thinking about becoming a motivational speaker.
Wendy: So, if you were home right now, what would you be doing?
Chandler: Typical Christmas-y stuff, you know? Our holidays are pretty traditional...
Phoebe: So here is a, a very special holiday song that I wrote for some very important people to me. (singing:)
"Went to the store, sat on Santaís lap.
Asked him to bring my friends all kinds of crap.
Said all you need is to write them a song.
Now, you havenít heard it yet, so donít try to sing along.
No, donít sing along.
Monica, Moncia, have a happy Hanukkah.
Saw Santa Claus, he said hello to Ross.
And please tell Joey, Christmas will be snowy!
And Rachel and Chandler, have err-umm-glander!!"
Happy holidays, everybody!
Rachel: Okay, Pheebs, you look in the kitchen, I will look in the back closet.
Chandler: I can save you time ladies, Iím right here.
Phoebe: Yeah, Chandler why donít you take a walk? This doesnít concern you.
Rachel: We are looking for our Christmas presents from Monica.
Chandler: What? Thatís terrible!
Phoebe: No-no, we do it every year!
Chandler: Oh well, that, that makes it not terrible.
Phoebe: No, yeah, we never find them! Sheís always best at us, that wily... minx.
Rachel: Donít worry, weíre just gonna search here for an hour, and then weíre gonna go over to Joeyís and search, OK?
Chandler: No not okay, you canít look for Monicaís presents!
Phoebe: Oh no, we have to!
Chandler: No, you donít have to, and you canít because I, I live here too.
Phoebe: Well then, you should look with us.
Rachel: Chandler, arenít you worried about what to get Monica for Christmas?
Chandler: No, I have a great idea for a present for her.
Phoebe: Oh, thatís it? (Mimics Chandler) A great idea! Oh yeah.
Rachel: Chandler, thatís not enough. I mean what if she gets you a great present, two medium presents, and a bunch of little presents? And youíve just gotten her one great present? I mean thatís just gonna make her feel bad. Why would you do that to her Chandler? Why? Why?
Chandler: If I help, we can find íem faster!
Rachel: Thatís right!
(Phoebe looks under the couch)
Phoebe: Ooh ooh, we have a live one!
Rachel: Oh, itís a Macyís bag!
(Phoebe tips it upside down, and a shoe falls out)
Phoebe: Ooh, whoís it for?
Rachel: (Reading from a tag thatís attached to the shoe) "Dear losers, do you really think Iíd hide presents under the couch? P.S.: Chandler, I knew theyíd break you."
Joey: Rach, these are for you.
Rachel: Wiper blades. I donít even have a car.
Joey: No, but with this new car smell, youíll think you do.
Chandler: OK, Pheebs, your turn.
Phoebe: Ahh, toilet seat covers! Is that what you were doing while I was getting gas?
Phoebe: You guuuyys.
Joey: And for Ross, Mr. Sweet-tooth.
Ross: You got me a cola drink?
Chandler: And, a lemon lime.
Ross: Well this, this is too much, I feel like I should get you another sweater.
Chandler: And last but not least.
(Chandler and Joey give Monica a pack of condoms.)
Joey: Theyíre ribbed for *your* pleasure.
Ross: Ooh, hey Ben, what if the Holiday Armadillo told you all about the Festival of Lights?
Monica: Come on Ben.
(Monica and Ben sit down on the couch.)
Ross: Years and years ago there were these people called the Maccabees...
Chandler: (entering in a Santa costume) Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
Ben: Santa! (Runs to Chandler and hugs him)
Chandler: Hey! (Grunts as Ben hits him at full speed.)
Ross: What are you doing here, Santa?
Chandler: Well, Iím here to see my old buddy Ben. What are you doing here, weird...turtle-man?
Ross: Iím the Holiday Armadillo, your part-Jewish friend. You sent me here to give Ben some presents. Remember?
Monica: Okay Ben, why donít you come open some more presents, and Santa, the Armadillo and I have a little talk in the kitchen? Thereís a sentence Iíd never thought Iíd say.
(They walk to the kitchen; everyone is lowering their voices)
Ross: (to Chandler) What are you doing?
Chandler: You called everyone and said you were having trouble finding a Santa costume, so I borrowed one from a guy at work!
Ross: Thank you, but, but you, you gotta leave.
Ross: Because, Iím finally getting him excited about Hanukkah, and, and youíre-youíre wrecking it.
Chandler: But I didnít get to shake my belly like a bowl full of jelly.
Ross: Iím sorry Chandler, but this, this is really important to me.
Chandler: Fine, Iíll give the suit back.
(Ross turns around and walks back to Ben.)
Monica: (to Chandler) Hey, you think, you can keep it another night? (She has a really teasing look on her face and keeps twirling Chandlerís beard.)
Chandler: Santa? Really?
Monica: Yeah, is that okay?
Chandler: Did your Dad ever dress up like Santa?
Chandler: Then itís okaaay! (They kiss.)
Chandler: You know what, everybody? Go home. You should be with your families. Itís bad enough that weíre working New Yearís Eve.
(All others are looking up, surprised)
Chandler: Did I not tell *anyone* about New Yearís Eve? -- Alright, look, go! Go home, okay? Merry Christmas! Go.
(All are leaving, wishing each other a Merry Christmas, peace on earth, etc. Only Wendy stays.)
Chandler: Good, Godís speed, good people! (he starts to close the door, turns around and sees Wendy) Youíre not gonna go?
Wendy: Naah... I couldnít leave you alone.
Chandler: Ah. Thanks.
Wendy: Besides, I canít leave until their Christmas party downstairs clears out; there are some *pissed off* insurance people looking for that ham.
Chandler: Ah. (The phone rings; he answers it) Chandler Bing.
Monica: Hi Honey! Weíre all here; we just want to wish you a Merry Christmas.
Others: (simultaneously) Merry Christmas! (except for Phoebe...)
Phoebe: (simultaneous to the others) Ble-blah-blar Blargh!
(All the others look at her, stunned/incredulous)
Chandler: Ahh, Merry Christmas; I miss you guys!
Monica: So is it horrible? Is everybody working really hard?
Chandler: Ah, well no, itís just uh, me and Wendy.
Monica: Wendy? -- That sounds like a girlís name.
Chandler: It is. Did I... not tell you about her?
Monica: Umhmm, umhmm, about the time you told me about New Yearís Eve. Where is everybody else?
Chandler: I sent them home.
Monica: Ohh, you are such a good boss! Is she pretty?
Chandler: Uhh, uh...
Ross: (in a low voice) Answer faster, answer faster!
Chandler: I donít know!
Ross: (in the same low voice) Answer better, answer better!
Chandler: I donít think of her that way, you know, sheís a, sheís a colleague.
Monica: What does she do there?
Chandler: Oh, sheís regional Vice President; Sheís... just below me.
Monica: She did WHAT?
Chandler: BE-LOW me!
Joey: Ahh, wait, is Wendy the runner-up Miss Oklahoma?
Chandler: Well, she... she didnít win...
Monica: Alright, well, maybe I should let you and the second prettiest girl in Oklahoma get back to work.
Chandler: Well, second prettiest that year; I mean, of *all* the girls in Oklahoma, sheís probably...
Rachel: (interrupting him) Oh Chandler, stop talking!
Chandler: Honey, thereís really nothing to worry about.
Chandler: Iím serious!
Chandler: Merry Christmas.
Monica: Merry Christmas.
Chandler: Merry Christmas, you guys!
Others: (simultaneously) Yeah, Merry... Christmas. (again, Phoebe...)
Phoebe: (simultaneous to the others) Blah blargah, blar-blab.
(Again the others just look at her, silent, puzzled.)
Chandler: (hanging up the phone) The wife says "Hi!".
Wendy: Ah. Fun conversation?
Chandler: Ah well, sheís got this weird idea, that, uh, yíknow, just because you and I are alone, that something is gonna happen.
Wendy: Huh? Really? -- Hm, thatíd be so terrible? (She gets hold of Chandlerís tie, slowly moving her hands upwards on the tie, getting closer and closer to him, seductive.)
Chandler: This is probably the wrong thing to be worrying about, but... youíre getting ham on my only tie.
(Sheís getting closer to him, the scene fades to black.)
Chandler: Whoa-ho, back off, Missy! (He takes a step back, but she still keeps her grip on his tie.)
Wendy: (laughs) ...Missy?
Chandler: I donít know; Iím not used to girls making passes at me! ... (She lets go of his tie) Wait a minute... am I sexy in Oklahoma?
Wendy: You are to me... (She gets closer again, putting her arms around his torso.)
Chandler: (flattered) No,... no... (realizing) NO! (He quickly gets several steps away from her.) Look, Iím, Iím married!
Wendy: So? Iím married. (Showing him the ring on her finger.)
Chandler: Iím *happily* married.
Wendy: Oh. - Whatís *that* like?
Chandler: Right. So, Iím sorry...
Wendy: Seriously? Happily married. So that phone call before, that was ... happy?
Chandler: Well look, itís not easy to spend this much time apart, you know. Sheís entitled to be a little paranoid... or, in this case: right on money! ... You know, sheís amazing, and beautiful, and smart, and if she were here right now, ...sheíd kick your ass. Look, youíre a really nice person... ham stealing and adultery aside. But, what I have with my wife is pretty great, so nothing is ever gonna happen between us.
Wendy: Okay, let me ask you something: if what you and your wife have is so great, then why are you spending Christmas with me?
(Chandler starts to think about it...)
Chandler: I mean, you were the most beautiful woman in the room tonight!
Chandler: You kidding? Youíre the most beautiful woman in most rooms... (She jumps up and kisses him.) (Breaking the kiss.) Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whatís going on? You and I just made out! You and I are making out?
Monica: Well, not anymore.
Chandler: But we donít do that.
Monica: I know, I just thought it would be fun.
Chandler: How drunk are you?
Monica: Drunk enough that I know I wanna do this. Not so drunk that you should feel guilty about taking advantage.
Chandler: (thinks) Thatís the perfect amount!
(They run to the bed, sit down, and start making out again.)
Monica: (breaking the kiss) Yíknow whatís weird?
Monica: This doesnít feel weird!
Chandler: I know.
Monica: Youíre a really good kisser.
Chandler: Well, I have kissed over four women. (They kiss again.) Do you wanna get under the covers?
(They do so and they take off their clothes.)
Monica: Wow! You are really fast!
Chandler: It bodes well for me that speed impresses you.
Monica: Weíre gonna see each other naked.
Monica: Do you wanna do it at the same time?
Chandler: Count of three?
Both: Three! (They lift up the covers and check each other out, then come back up with silly grins on their faces.)
Chandler: Well I think itís safe to say that our friendship is effectively ruined.
Monica: Eh, we werenít that close anyway!
Chandler: Eh! (They start making out again)
Chandler: So, are you really gonna go out with that nurse man?
Monica: Well uh, you and I are just goofing around, I thought, why not just goof around with him.
Chandler: Yíknow, I donít know if youíve ever looked up the term goofing around in the dictionary... Well, I have, and the technical definition is, two friends who care a lot about each other and have amazing sex and just wanna spend more time together. But if you have this new fangled dictionary that gets you made at me, then we have to, yíknow, get you my original dictionary. I am *so* bad at this.
Monica: I think youíre better than you think you are.
Chandler: Really? Okay, so...
Monica: (interrupting) Know when to stop.
Chandler: Yíknow, I sensed that I should stop. So weíre okay?
Monica: Yeah. (They kiss and as she starts to leave, Chandler starts to dance. Without turning around:) Donít do the dance.
Monica: I canít get married until I get something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue.
Chandler: Okay, all right, all right, all right! Okay! (Picks up a blue sweater.) Okay, hereís something, hereís something blue and new.
Monica: Youíre so efficient. I love you!
Chandler: Letís go! (Starts to leave.)
Monica: No-no-no, wait! We need something old!
Chandler: Oh, okay, I have condom in my wallet that Iíve had since I was twelve.
Monica: Thatíll work!
Chandler: I donít think so.
Monica: Okay, now we just need something borrowed!
Chandler: (looks around) Here just...take this. (Hands her the sweater.)
Monica: Thatís stealing!
Chandler: No, weíll-weíll bring it back! Just put it under your dress.
(She does so and it makes her look pregnant.)
Monica: Ohh. (Rubs her fake stomach.)
Chandler: Okay, one thing at a time. (They run out to get married.)
Monica: Listen umm, Iíve been thinking, itís not fair for me to ask you to spend all of your money on our wedding. I mean, you work, you work really hard for that.
Monica: Eh, you work for that.
Chandler: Look, I thought about it too, and Iím sorry. I think we should spend all of the money on the wedding.
Monica: You do?!
Chandler: Yeah, Iím putting my foot down. Yeah look, when I proposed I told you that I would do anything to make you happy, and if having the perfect wedding makes you happy, then, then thatís what weíre gonna do.
Monica: Oh, youíre so sweet. (They hug and kiss.) Oh, but wait, what about our, what about the future and stuff?
Chandler: Eh, forget about the future and stuff! So we only have two kids, yíknow? Weíll pick our favorite and that one will get to go to college.
Monica: You thought about that?
Monica: How many kids were we gonna have?
Chandler: Uh, four, a boy, twin girls and another boy.
Monica: What else did you think about?
Chandler: Well, stuff like where weíd live, yíknow? Like a small place outside the city, where our kids could learn to ride their bikes and stuff. Yíknow, we could have a cat that had a bell on its collar and we could hear it every time it ran through the little kitty door. Of course, weíd have an apartment over the garage where Joey could grow old.
Monica: (laughs) Yíknow what? I-I donít want a big, fancy wedding.
Chandler: Sure you do.
Monica: No, I want everything that you just said. I want a marriage.
Chandler: You sure?
Chandler: I love you so much.
Monica: I love you. (They kiss.)
Rachel: (opens her present from Ross; itís a dark-red scarf) Oohh, I love it!
Ross: Really? Youíre not gonna return it?
Rachel: Well, not this second!
Phoebe: (at the window) Hey look, you guys, itís snowing!
(The others all get up and go to the window.)
Rachel: Oh wow, itís so beautiful...
Ross: Wow, it really is!
(They all stand a moment in silence, staring out of the window.)
Monica: "Wendy" is a fat girl name.
Phoebe: Arenít we done with that?
Monica: Okay, fine. Letís talk about snow. -- Do you think itís snowing in Tulsa, where my husband is having sex on a copying machine?
(Shortly after that, Chandler enters.)
(Surprised, uttering Ahhs and Ohhs, the others are coming over to him.)
Ross: Oh my god...
Joey: Hey-heeyyy - Look at that, itís a Christmas miracle!
Monica: What are you doing here?
Chandler: I wanted to be with you. I missed you so much.
Joey: Hey, hey, uh, who did you miss the most?
Joey: Got ya. (blinks an eye)
Chandler: I never want to leave you again!
Monica: But I thought if you left, you get fired.
Chandler: Turns out they canít fire me. Because I quit.
Ross: What, you, you really quit your job?
Chandler: Yeah! Itís a stupid job, and I could not stand leaving you. And why should I be the only one who doesnít get to do what he *really* wants to do?
Rachel: What do you really want to do?
Chandler: (realizing) I have *not* thought this through!
Monica: Oh my god!
Chandler: I know, I, I should have talked to you first about it.
Monica: No, I think that this is what you wanna do, I think itís great!
Phoebe: Chandler, your being here is the best Christmas present I could have ever imagined.
Chandler: (flattered) Ahh...
Phoebe: Now give me my real gift.
(Chandler hands Phoebe an envelope, and some more to Monica)
Phoebe: (to Chandler) Thank you.
Chandler: (to Monica) Here, pass these, will ya.. (points to the others)
(Monica passes the Envelopes on to Ross, Joey and Rachel.)
Ross: Oh, hey...
(They all open their envelopes.)
Ross: (reading off his card) "A donation has been made in your name to the New York City Ballet." -- How did you know?
Rachel: Wha... are you kidding? I canít return this.
Chandler: I... thought it was a timely start to thinking about other people. Besides, this gift still says I love you guys.
Joey: Mineís is to Lilian Myers.
Chandler: I donít have a *job*!
Chandler: Actuary... no. Book-keeper... no. Topless dancer... (he looks down on himself, checking, then nods satisfied and marks the offer with a pen) (to Monica:) Hey, díyou know what I just realized? You are the sole wage earner. *You* are the head of the household. I donít do anything - Iím a kept man!
Monica: You are! (she picks up a bill from the table, handing it to Chandler) Hey, hereís twenty bucks. -- Why donít you go buy yourself something pretty while Iím at work tomorrow?
(Chandler looks at the bill, thinking... then looks at the offer in the Newspaper and makes some dancing moves to see if heís up for the job...)