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|Script Saison 9 Episode 9|
Titre US : The One With Rachel's Phone Number
Titre FR : Celui qui níosait pas dire la vťritť
Écrit par Mark J. Kurneth
Réalisé par Ben Weiss
Transcrit par David Buehrle
Traduit par Claire Brunel
Jo Lynn : This kitty is Mittens and this one is Fitzhugh, and this little guy in the cat condo is Jinkies.
Chandler : Yep. Thatís a lot of cats Jo Lynn. Single are ya?
(Phone rings. Chandler answers using the speaker phone.)
Chandler : Chandler Bing.
Joey : Hey. How come youíre answering your own phone? Whereís your crazy assistant?
(She frowns. Chandler picks up the hand set.)
Chandler : Whatís up Joe?
Joey : Okay, what have we always wanted to do together?
Chandler : Braid each otherís hair and ride horseback on the beach?
Joey : No, no, no. When you get home tomorrow night, you and I are going to be at the Wizzards-Knicks game . . . courtside!
Chandler : Courtside? Oh my God.
Joey : Yeah. Maybe Michael Jordon will dive for the ball and break my jaw with his knee.
Chandler : Thatís so cool. Iíll let Monica know.
(Chandler hangs up and calls Monica who is reading a book on their sofa as the phone rings.)
Monica : Hello?
Chandler : Joey just called. Heís got courtside Knicks tickets for him and me tomorrow night.
Monica : Really? But tomorrow night is the only night I get off from the restaurant. If you go to the game, we wonít have a night together for another week.
Chandler : But hey, itís courtside. The cheerleaders are going to be right in fr. . . (Pause) Thatís not the way to convince you.
Monica : Chandler look, I donít want to be one of those wives who says, "You canít go to the game. You have to spend time with me." So, if you could just realize it on your own . . .
Chandler : I know. Youíre right. I want to see you too. Iíve just got to figure out a way to tell Joey, you know? Heís really looking forward to this.
Monica : Tell him that you havenít seen your wife in a long time. Tell him that having a long-distance relationship is really difficult. Tell him that what little time we have is precious.
Chandler : Yeah, ah, ah . . . Iíll think of something.
Ross : Wow! (pause) Wow, You look . . . uh . . . Itís just, ah . . . That dress . . . uh . . .
Rachel : Well, I hope the ends of these sentences are good.
Ross : Well, well, theyíre good. Itís been a while since Iíve seen you like this. You, you clean up good.
Rachel : Oh well, well thank you. (She laughs. He stares for a moment.) Okay, stop. Stop looking at me like that. The last time that happened, (points to Ross) that happened. (points to Emma.)
Ross : Oh right, right. (They pause and exchange a glance. Then, Ross looks away.) So, are you . . . ah . . . you excited about your, your first night away from Emma?
Rachel : Yeah, yeah. Phoebe and I are going to have so much fun. And thank you for watching the baby, by the way.
Ross : Oh, itís fine. Actually, I, I invited Mike over.
Rachel : Phoebeís Mike?
Ross : Yeah.
Rachel : I didnít know you guys hung out.
Ross : We donít. But I thought it would be nice to get to know him. You know, maybe have a little dinner, drinks, conversation.
Rachel : Oh thatís so cute: Ross and Mikeís first date. Is that going to be awkward? I mean, what are you guys going to talk about?
Ross : I donít know. But, you know, we, we have a lot in common, you know. He plays piano; I played keyboards in college. Heís been divorced; I have some experience in that area.
(Rachel nods. There is a knock on the door.)
Rachel : Yeah.
(Phoebe and Mike enter.)
Phoebe : Hi
Rachel : Hey.
Phoebe : (spotting Rachelís dress) Oooh. Girlís night out indeed.
Rachel : (to Ross) Ok. So now, I think Emma is probably down for the night, but if you need anything Ross . . .
Ross : Rach, Rach, weíll be fine, all right? You go have fun.
Rachel : Okay. You too. And I hope you score. (to Mike) Bye.
Mike : Bye.
Ross : So . . . Welcome.
Mike : (Holds up a six pack of Fosterís Lager) I got beer.
Ross : I got bottled breast milk.
Mike : Eh, why donít we start with the beer?
Ross : Okay. (They sit.) So, um, Phoebe tells me you, ah, you play piano.
Mike : Yeah.
Ross : You know, I, I used to, ah, play keyboards in college.
Mike : Ah? (pause) Do you have one here?
Ross : No.
Mike : Okay. (pause)
(They clink beer bottles, and drink. Then, they stare uncomfortably at their bottles.)
Ross : Um . . . ah . . . you know, Iím divorced. Um, Phoebe, ah . . . Phoebe said you . . . Youíve been divorced?
Mike : Yeah. (pause) Yeah, Iím sorry. I donít . . . I donít really like to talk about it.
Ross : (pause) Thatís okay. Weíll talk about (pause) something else. (They pause. They drink.)
Mike : So, youíre a paleontologist, right?
Ross : Yeah.
Mike : My cousinís a paleontologist.
Ross : Ah? (Mike nods. Another pause.) Well, he and I would probably have a lot to talk about.
Monica : Hi.
Chandler : Hey.
Monica : Welcome home.
Chandler : (Hangs his jacket over the suitcase, locks the door, then turns to Monica.) Oh well, look at you.
Monica : Yeah. What do you think?
Chandler : Well, it looks great. Itís just that . . . well, Iím wearing the same thing underneath. So . . .
Monica : Oh.
Chandler : See what I mean . . . (They kiss.)
(There is a loud thud at the door.)
Joey : Hey! How come the doorís locked?
Monica : Just a second.
Chandler : (hushed) No, no, no, no, no. Joey canít know that Iím here.
Monica : Why not?
Chandler : Because I didnít know how to tell him that I couldnít go to the Knicks game. So, I just told him that I had to stay in Tulsa.
Monica : So, you lied to him?
Chandler : Achhh. Itís always better to lie than to have the complicated discussion. (pause) Except with you.
Joey : Hey! Open the door. Whatís going on? (He knocks.)
(Monica goes to the door. Chandler slides behind it as she opens it slightly.)
Joey : What are you . .. (He sees her in her negligee.) Why are you dressed like that?
Monica : Oh, because, um . . . well, Chandlerís going to be home in a couple of days. So, I thought I would, you know, practice the art of seduction.
Joey : Oh, I thought I heard a manís voice before.
Monica : Oh I was just doing Chandlerís side of the conversation. You know, like, "Hi, How do I look?" (As Chandler) "Really sexy. Could I BE any more turned on?"
Joey : Okay. (pause. He looks over her shoulder at the table with the wine.) Whoa, whoa. Why are there two glasses of wine out?
Monica : Because. . . one of them is for you.
(Monica turns to get the wine. Chandler peeps through the peephole. Joey, seeing something, peeps back. Chandler ducks. Monica returns with two glasses of wine. She gives one to Joey.)
Monica : Cheers. (She clinks his glass and pulls back.) Okay, buh-bye. (She closes the door.)
Chandler : You know, itís funny. Iíve been, ah, practicing the art of seduction myself. (He raises his hands in front of himself, sticks out his behind, and wiggles it.) Hi ya.
Monica : You might want to keep practicing.
Chandler : Yah.
(Chandlerís cell phone rings. He looks at it.)
Chandler : Itís Joey. (He answers it, holding it out so that Monica can hear too.) Hey Joe.
Joey : Dude, come home!
Chandler : What? Why?
Joey : COME . . . HOME.
Chandler : Look I, I canít. Whatís going on?
Joey : I donít know how to tell you this but, uh . . . I think Monicaís cheatiní on ya. I told you shouldnít have married someone so much hotter than you.
(Chandler and Monica look at each other. Chandler nods.)
Joey : All right look. (He walks to the hallway.) If you canít come home and deal with this, then Iím gonna.
Chandler : NO!
Joey : (outside the apartment door) I just heard him!
Chandler : (softly) Can you . . . hear him . . . now?
Joey : (listens at the door.) No. (pause) All right, Iím going in.
Chandler : No! Wait!
Joey : I heard him again!
Chandler : (writhes as if in agony) All right, look. Just stay there. Iím coming home.
Joey : Okay. Great. Iíll see you when you get here. Iím gonna wait out in the hall in case the dude comes out.
Chandler : Is that really necessary?
Joey : Absolutely. Youíd do it for me. Not that you ever have to because I know how to keep my women satisfied.
Ross : Shouldnít the pizza be here by now? I mean, they said thirty minutes or less. Well, how long has it been?
Mike : (looking at his watch) Eleven minutes. (long pause) And now twelve. So, do you like the beer?
Ross : I do. I do. Although, itís actually a lager.
Mike : huh. (pause) Whatís the difference between beer and lager?
Ross : I donít know. We could look it up.
Mike : (nods) Things are about to get wild.
Phoebe : Oh God. Remember the girlsí nights we used to have sitting around talking about you and Ross?
Rachel : Oh God. It seems like forever ago.
Phoebe : I know. (sighs) So, whatís going on with you and Ross?
Rachel : Well, um . . . I donít know. I mean, for a long time nothing. But you know, actually right before you picked me up, Ross and I had a . . . ah . . . little thing.
Phoebe : Oh my God! I love things. What happened?
Rachel : Well, um, first he told me he liked how I looked. And, ah, then we had a little . . . um . . . eye-contact.
Phoebe : Eye-contact?
Rachel : Mm-hmm.
Phoebe : I hope you were using protection.
Waiter : (with tray and two drinks) Excuse me. Um, these are from the two gentlemen at the end of the bar.
Rachel : Oh. (to Phoebe) Should we send them something back?
Phoebe : Oooh. Letís do. Letís send them mashed potatoes.
Rachel : No! Wait! No, no. Donít do that! Thatís going to make them think they can come over here.
Phoebe : So? What if they do?
Rachel : Well, weíre not here to meet guys. You have a boyfriend, I have a b. . . baby and a Ross.
Phoebe : Yeah, but, ah, ah, nothing has to happen. Weíre just having fun. You know, not everything had to go as far as "eye-contact."
Monica : Chandler, you have to tell Joey that youíre not in Tulsa.
Chandler : Donít you think itís better for him to think that youíre cheating on me, than for him to think that Iím cheating on him? (Monica tips her head slightly as if asking "Did you hear yourself?") I heard it.
Monica : I donít want him to think that Iím having an affair.
Chandler : All right. Iíve got a plan. Iíll go down the fire escape.
Monica : Yes, because all good plans start with, "Iíll go down the fire escape."
Chandler : Hear me out woman. Iíll go down the fire escape. Then, Iíll wait for a while. Then, when I come up the stairs, itíll be just like I just got back from Tulsa. Then, Joey and I will come in and see that thereís no guy in here.
Monica : Arenít you afraid that Joeyís going to figure all of this out? (pause) I heard it.
(Chandler runs to the window, opens it, starts out, but returns, casually walking back to his chair.)
Chandler : Iím just going to wait for a little while.
Monica : Scary pigeonís back?
Chandler : Itís huge.
Rachel : Oh my God. I canít believe you live in that building. My grandmother lives in that building. Ida Green? No sense of personal space? Kind of smells like chicken? Looks like a potato.
Bill : "Spuds" is your grandmother?
Rachel : Thatís my bubby!
Kevin : So, weíre on our way to a couple of parties. Um. . . maybe we can get your numbers and give you guys a call if we find something fun.
Phoebe : Yeah. . . Iím sorry. We werenít really looking for anything to happen with you guys. I, I have a boyfriend.
Kevin : All right. Itís no big deal.
Bill : So, she has a boyfriend. What is your situation?
Rachel : Oh, well, itís complicated. I donít actually have a boyfriend. But um. . .
Bill : Then, can I have your number?
Rachel : (pause) Iím sorry, no.
Bill : Okay. (They start to walk away.)
Rachel : Oh sure. (She pulls a business card from her purse and writes on it.)
Phoebe : (Reading the card.) Oh my God, youíre giving your real number.
Bill : Okay, thanks. Iíll give you a call later tonight.
Rachel : Great.
Bill : Bye
Phoebe : Bye. (The guys leave.) Wow. So, thatís great. You, Bill, Ross, and Emma are going to be so happy together. What were you thinking?
Rachel : I donít know. He was cute, and he liked me. It was an impulse.
Phoebe : What about Ross? What about your moment? Donít you want to talk to Ross about it?
Rachel : No. No, because I know exactly how the conversationís gonna go. "Hey Ross, you know, I think we had a moment before."
Rachel : (lowers voice to imitate Ross) "Yeah." (Clears throat.) "Me too."
Rachel : (as herself) "Well, but Iím not sure I really want to do anything about it."
Rachel : (as Ross) "Yeah." (Clears throat twice.) "Me neither." (Clears throat again.)
Rachel : (as herself) "Well, should we just continue to live together and not really tell each other how weíre really feeling?"
Rachel : (as Ross) "Yeah. That works for me." (Clears throat twice more.)
Phoebe : Yeah, I see what you mean. By the way, nice Ross imitation.
Rachel : Oh, thanks.
Phoebe : But, your Rachel wasnít whiny enough.
Rachel : (whining) Wha. . . hey!
Phoebe : (pointing) Better!
Rachel : Well, the point is, maybe I should just stop waiting around for moments with Ross, you know? I should just . . . move on with my life.
Phoebe : Really? Youíre moving on from Ross?
Rachel : I donít know. Do I have to decide right now?
Phoebe : Well, you kind of just did. That guy is going to call you tonight. Ross is going to pick up the phone and thatís a pretty clear message.
Rachel : Oh God, Ross. Ross is going to pick up the phone. Oh, I have to get my number back. (She turns to find Bill, but they have gone.) Oh my God. Heís gone.
Phoebe : (imitating Rachel) "Oh, I have to get my number back. Oh my God. Heís gone." (smiles) Dead on.
Mike : (releases a whoosh of air) Ya know, Iím going to take off.
Ross : So soon?
Mike : Well, yeah.
Ross : Okay. Well, thanks, ah, thanks for the beer.
Mike : Ah, you mean lager.
Ross : Ah yeah. Good times.
(Mike leaves. Ross closes the door behind him.)
Mike : (In the hall, relieved) Oh.
(Ross, inside the door, releases a sign of relief. Back in the hall, Mikeís cell phone rings.)
Mike : Hello?
Phoebe : (calling from the bar on her cell phone.) Hey, Mike, itís me. Listen, is um, is Ross near you?
Mike : Uh, no. I just left.
Phoebe : Well, you have to go back in.
Mike : Wha . . .? Go back? To the "land where time stands still"?
Phoebe : Iím so sorry honey, but, okay, Rachel gave this guy her number and, um, she doesnít want Ross to answer the phone. So, you have to intercept all his calls.
Mike : I canít do that!
Phoebe : (to Rachel) He says he canít do that.
Rachel : Oh give me , , , (Phoebe gives Rachel the phone.) Hi, Mike? Hi. Listen. I know this is a lot to ask, but you know what? If you do this I . . . Phoebe will . . . do anything you want. Seriously, Iím talking dirty stuff.
Phoebe : All right. (She takes the phone from Rachel.) Hello? Hi. Iím sorry about her, but she wasnít wrong about the dirty stuff.
Mike : All right. Iíll do it. (Phoebe gives the thumbs-up sign to Rachel.) But really, how much dirtier can it get?
Phoebe : (knowingly chuckles) Oh, Mike. Bye.
(Mike knocks on Rossís door. Ross opens it.)
Mike : Hey buddy.
Ross : Uh, hi.
Mike : Um, can I come back in?
Ross : (putting his arm up with his hand on the door frame.) Why? (He starts to lower his arm.)
Mike : (Entering the apartment) I, I was just thinking about how much more we have to talk about.
Ross : (whining) But you left.
Joey : Wow! That didnít take long. I thought you said Tulsa was, like a three hour flight.
Chandler : (pause) Well, youíre forgetting about the time difference.
(Joey thinks a moment. Then, he nods. Joey follows Chandler into the apartment.)
Monica : (gasp) Chandler! Youíre home!
Chandler : Thatís right. Youíre husbandís home. So, now the sex can stop.
(Joey gives him and odd look. Monica gives a similar look.)
Monica : What are you saying?
Chandler : Joey said that youíre in here with another man.
Monica : Thereís no man in here. How dare you accuse me of that. (She slaps Chandler.)
Joey : All right. All right. Then, maybe you wonít mind if me and my friend take a look around, huh? (He checks the bathroom shaking the bat. Then he proceeds to their bedroom.) Bwa-ah-ah!
(Thudding sounds can be heard from the bedroom.)
Chandler : (To Monica) What is he doing?
Monica : (smiling) I arranged some pillows on the bed to look like a guy.
Joey : (emerging) Bedroom is clear, although you might need some new pillows.
Chandler : All right. Well, Iíll check the guest room.
Joey : (sniffing the air and then Monica.) Why do I smell menís cologne?
Monica : (sniffing Joey) I think thatís you.
Joey : (sniffs his shirt.) Oh yeah. I rubbed a magazine on myself earlier.
Chandler : Thereís nobody here Joe.
Joey : I guess not.
Monica : I canít believe you thought I was cheating. (pointing at Joey) You own me an apology.
Joey : Yeah, right Monica. Iím so sorry.
Monica : (suddenly starts issuing him out) Ah, itís an honest mistake. It could happen to anyone. All right, see ya.
Joey : (spots the suitcase just inside the door where Chandler left it) Whoa, whoa. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. If you just got back from Tulsa, how did your suitcase beat you here?
Chandler : (thinks, then turns to Monica) I climb down the fire escape and you canít put that in the closet?
[Scene: Ross and Rachelís apartment. Mike is reading from a book.]
Mike : So, except for the fermentation process, beer and ale are basically the same thing. Fascinating isnít it.
Ross : Maybe you should look up "fascinating."
Mike : Iíll get it. (He lunges across Rossís lap on the sofa to reach the phone. Ross stares at him with wide eyes.) Hello? Rossís place. Mike speaking. (pause. Hands phone to Ross) Itís for you.
Ross : (takes the phone, but speaks to Mike) I donít understand what just happened here.
Joey : Whatís going on?
Chandler : Iím sorry. I, I told you I was in Tulsa because I wanted to spend the night with Monica and I, I didnít know . . . I didnít think youíd understand.
Joey : What? You think Iím too dumb to understand that a husband needs to be with his wife? Huh? Do you think Iím like, "Duh." (He strikes himself in the head with the bat. He stands dazed for a moment.)
Monica : Joey?
Joey : Yeah? (His eyes bug out.)
Monica : I donít know what to say. We shouldnít have lied to you.
Chandler : Yeah. I feel so bad. Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?
Joey : (pause) Yeah, you could go to the game with me, ah, even though I know you said you couldnít. But then you lied to me and tricked me and gave me a bump on the head.
Chandler : Iím sorry. Thatís the one thing I canít do. I promised Iíd be with Monica.
Joey : All right.
Monica : (taps chandler on the arm) You can go.
Chandler : What?
Monica : You should go to the game. Itís okay. I want you to.
Chandler : Really? Youíre gonna be okay?
Monica : Yeah, Iíll be fine. You know, maybe Iíll stay here and practice the art of seduction.
Chandler : Youíre gonna put on sweats and clean, arenít you?
Monica : Itís gonna be so hot! (She kisses him.)
Chandler : Okay, bye.
Monica : Have fun.
Joey : Thanks. (Joey and Chandler exit to the hall. Joey pulls out the tickets and hands one to Chandler.) Hereís your ticket.
Chandler : Hey, listen. Iím never going to lie to you again, okay? And I want you to know that nobody thinks youíre stupid.
Joey : Thanks man.
(Chandler heads toward the stairs, but makes a turn back to his apartment while looking at the ticket.)
Joey : Where are you going?
Chandler : Gameís tomorrow night Joe.
(Chandler goes into the apartment, while Joey checks his ticket and is embarrassed by his stupid mistake.)
Rachel : Hi.
(Everyone exchanges greetings.)
Ross : Oh God. (He hugs Rachel)
Rachel : Oh . . .
Mike : Iím so glad youíre back. (He hugs Phoebe.)
Phoebe : Oh.
Rachel : Wow. So, what did you guys do?
Ross : Oh, you know . . . we just drank some beer and Mike played with the boundaries of normal social conduct.
Mike : Itís true. I did.
Phoebe : (pause) Well, good bye.
(Okays, and good byes are exchanged all around.)
Rachel : That was fun Pheebs.
Phoebe : I know. That was fun. (She and Mike exit.)
Rachel : See you guys. (She closes the door.)
Ross : Rachel, lock the door. Lock the door, seriously.
Rachel : Oh shoot. I forgot to pay Phoebe for the drinks. (She exits to the hallway and closes the door behind her.) Wait, wait. Sorry. Did he call? Did that guy call?
Mike : No. Just his mom.
Rachel : Oh, around 8:30?
Mike : Yeah.
Rachel : Then, again at 9:00?
Mike : (nods) uh-huh.
Rachel : Yeah.
(Inside the apartment the phone rings. Ross answers it.)
Ross : Hello. (listens) Ah, no, sheís not here right now. Can I take a message? (grabs a pad and pen) Bill from the bar? (writes) Okay, "Bill from the bar." Iíll make sure she gets your number.
(He hangs up the phone and tears the note off the pad. Then, he stops and re-reads it. Rachel enters.)
Rachel : Aaah. (She goes to tend Emma.)
Ross : So, ah . . . So, how was it? Uh, did you guys. . . Did you guys have a good time?
Rachel : Oh, it was so much fun. It felt so good to be out.
Ross : (holds up the message) Uh, Rach.
Rachel : (still looking at Emma) Yeah?
Ross : (pauses, then crunches up the note and stuffs it in his pocket.) Never mind.
Ross : Hey you guys. (He sits.)
Mike : Hey.
Phoebe : Hey. Iíll be right back. Iíve got to go to the bathroom. (She rises and exits.)
(Ross and Mike glance at each other then both suddenly turn to Phoebe who is gone. They sheepishly exchange glances.)
Mike : (finally) Stout. Thatís a kind of beer.
(Ross smiles slightly. Then he gives a single nod that lifts him to his feet. He exits the coffee shop.