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|Script Saison 3 Episode 3|
Titre US : The One With The Jam
Titre FR : Celui qui avait la technique du câlin
Écrit par Wil Calhoun
Réalisé par Kevin S. Bright
Transcrit par Eric Aasen
Traduit par Laura Cynober
Ross : Where’d you get fruit at four in the morning?
Monica : Went down to the docks. Bet you didn’t know you could get it wholesale.
Rachel : I didn’t know there were docks.
[There’s a knock at the door. Chandler and Joey walk in. Joey has his arm in a sling. They all exchanges ’heys’.]
Ross : [to Joey] Oh. Is it broken?
Joey : No. I gotta wear this thing [pointing to sling] for a couple weeks.
Rachel : Did you tell the doctor you did it jumping up and down on your bed?
Joey : No. Had a whole story worked out, but then uh, Chandler sold me out.
Chandler : Well, I’m sorry Joe. I didn’t think the doctor was gonna buy that it just fell out of the socket.
Joey : What is this? [picks up an piece of fruit from a crate] Fruit?
Rachel : Monica’s making jam.
Joey : [excited] Whoa! Jam! I love jam! [to Chandler] Hey, how come we never have jam at our place?
Chandler : [mock crying] Because the kids need new shoes.
Monica : [while working over jars and pots] Goin’ into business, people. I’m sick and tired of being depressed about Richard. I needed a plan...a plan to get over my man. What’s the opposite of man? Jam.
[Joey goes over to the cooking pot and takes a spoonful of jam out. Monica rushes over as he is putting it in his mouth.]
Monica : Oh Joey! Don’t! It’s way too hot!
[Joey, tasting that the jam is way too hot, spits it back into the pot. After realizing what he’s done, he looks down at the pot.]
Joey : This’ll just be my batch.
Pursuer : You wouldn’t return my calls. You sent back my letters.
Phoebe : What?
Pursuer : One more chance, Ursula. [begging] Please.
Phoebe : Oh. Oh. Ooh, this is awkward. Umm, see you want Ursula and I’m Phoebe. Twin sisters. Seriously.
Pursuer : Oh, that’s great. I’m stalking the wrong woman. I am such a dingus! [he sits on some nearby steps]
Phoebe : You’re not a dingus.
Pursuer : I just want you to know. I didn’t use to be like this. Before I met your sister, I was like this normal guy who sold beepers and cellular phones.
Phoebe : I mean, look, it’s not your fault, you know. This is what she does to guys. [she sits next to him]
Pursuer : Thanks. [he gets up to leave, but Phoebe pulls him back down]
Phoebe : Hey, you know what? I got a little story. When I was in junior high school, I went through this period where I thought I was a witch. And there was this guidance counselor who said something to me that I think will help you a lot. He said, "okay, you’re not a witch, you’re just an average student." See what I’m saying.
Pursuer : [nodding] Not really.
Phoebe : Um, well, get over it. Well, you seem like a really nice guy, you know, just don’t be so hard on yourself. Okay? [she gets up to leave]
Pursuer : [getting up] You’re right. I know you’re right. And thanks for being so nice. Here. [hands flowers to Phoebe]
Phoebe : Hey, thanks a lot. [pause] Do you want to get a cup of coffee?
Pursuer : Yeah, okay.
Phoebe : Okay. [as they start to leave, he walks a couple steps behind her] You don’t have to walk behind me anymore.
Pursuer : Sorry.
Rachel : Mon?
Rachel : [reading a note on the table] Gone for more jars. Back later. Monica Geller.
Ross : Wait a minute. Look. It’s an empty apartment. We’re all alone in an empty apartment.
[Ross grabs Rachel and starts nibbling and kissing on her.]
Rachel : Honey, come on, I have to be to work in like, ten minutes. [gives in] And oh, all right. Well, it’s not like I’m employee of the year or anything.
[They fall back on the couch and start making out. Suddenly, Chandler bursts in. Ross and Rachel jump up and pretend to be looking at something on the couch.]
Ross : [pointing on couch] There it is.
Rachel : Oh, that’s what you’re talking about. [to Chandler] Oh, hi.
Ross : [to Chandler] Hi.
Chandler : Do I look fat?
Ross & Rachel : No.
Chandler : Okay. I accept that. When Janice asked me and I said no, she took that to mean that I was calling her a cow.
Rachel : Okay, walk us through it, honey. Walk us through it.
Chandler : Okay, well, Janice said "Hi. Do I look fat today?" and I looked at her...
Ross : Whoa. Whoa. You looked at her? [Ross and Rachel look at each other and laugh] You never look. You just answer. It’s like a reflex. "Do I look fat?" "No." "Is she prettier than I am?" "No." "Does size matter?"
Rachel : "No."
Ross : And it works both ways.
Chandler : Okay. So you both just know this stuff?
Rachel : You know, after about thirty or forty fights, you kinda catch on.
Ross : Okay, for instance, let’s say Janice is coming back from a trip. And she gives you two options. Option number one: she’ll take a cab home from the airport, or option number two: you can meet her at baggage claim. What do you do?
Chandler : That’s easy. Baggage claim.
Ross : [making a buzzer sound] Ahhhh! Wrong. Now you’re single. It’s actually secret option number three: you meet her at the gate. That way, she knows you love her.
Chandler : Okay, this is good. This is good. Alright, listen, I have one. Janice likes to cuddle at night, which I am all for. But when you wanna go to sleep, you want some space. So, uh, how can I tell her that without, you know, accidentally calling her fat or something?
Rachel : Sorry, honey, we can’t help you there. [in a cute, sugary voice] We’re cuddly sleepers. [Ross and Rachel kiss] [noticing the time] Okay, I’m late for work. Are you guys gonna come down?
Ross : Uh, yeah. I’m right behind ya.
Rachel : Okay. Good luck Chandler.
Chandler : Thank you, Rachel.
Ross : Goodbye, sweetie.
[As she closes the door, Ross turns to Chandler.]
Ross : Okay, the sleeping thing. Very tricky business, but there is something you can do.
Chandler : I thought you guys were [imitating Rachel] cuddly sleepers.
Ross : No! No. Not cuddly. Not me, just her. I’m like you. I need the room. Okay, come here. [they sit real close to each other on the couch] Okay. You’re in bed.
Chandler : Yeah.
Ross : [suddenly very uncomfortable with the closeness] I’m gonna use the cushion.
Chandler : Yeah.
Ross : [grabbing a large cushion and hugging it like a woman] Okay, you’re in bed. She’s over on your side, cuddling. Now you wait for her to drift off, and then you hug her, and roll her over [he rolls the cushion] to her side of the bed. And then, you roll away. Hug for her. [demonstrating again] Roll for you.
Chandler : Okay, the old hug-and-roll.
Ross : Yep.
Chandler : Okay, one question. You’re pretending the pillow is a girl, right?
Rachel : [gazing] You’re so pretty.
[Phoebe walks in. They all greet her and she walks over by Joey at the table he’s sitting at.]
Phoebe : [to the gang] Hi. Hey, oh, you know that guy who’s been following me? I talked to him today.
Joey : [with a mouthful of jam and pastry] You talked to him? Are you crazy? [spraying pastry toward Phoebe]
Phoebe : Okay, first, I’m not crazy and second, say it, don’t spray it. Anyway, his name is Malcolm and he wasn’t following me. I mean, he was, but just cause he thought I was Ursula, ick, and that’s why, that’s why he couldn’t just come up and talk to me. [pause] Cause of the restraining order.
Chandler : Hmm. Not feeling better about Malcolm.
Phoebe : No. No. No. He’s not like, a kook. No. He’s just, like very passionate, incredibly romantic guy that got just a teensy bit carried away. You know. And we just get along really well. And he’s so cute.
Ross : Oh my god, you’ve got a crush on your sister’s stalker.
Phoebe : No. I’m just gonna help him, you know, get de-Ursulaized. Like you know, I did for Joey after he went out with her.
Joey : [still with mouth full] I didn’t stalk her, I mean. [spraying more pastry toward Phoebe]
Phoebe : I asked for the news, not the weather.
[Just then, Monica walks in. They all greet her.]
Monica : Hey guys. [goes over to Joey and gives him a jar of jam] Joey, this is for you. It’s blackberry-currant.
Joey : Awww. [takes a taste] Ooohhh.
Chandler : Hey Joe, I gotta ask. [holds up one hand] The girl from the Xerox place, buck naked. [holds up other hand] Or a big tub of jam.
Joey : Put your hands together.
Monica : Joey, take your time with that. That’s my last batch.
Joey : [with a worried look, voice breaking] No more jam?
Rachel : Well, what happened with your jam plan?
Monica : I figured out that I need to charge seventeen bucks a jar just to break even, so I’ve got a new plan now. Babies.
Chandler : Oh, you’re gonna need much bigger jars.
Ross : What are you talking about?
Monica : I’m talking about me having a baby.
Rachel : Are you serious?
Monica : Yeah. The great thing about the jam plan was I was taking control of my life. So, I asked myself what is the most important thing to me in the world and that’s when I came up with the baby plan.
Ross : Well, aren’t you forgetting something? What is that guy’s name? Dad.
Monica : It took me twenty-eight years to find one man that I want to spend my life with. If I have to wait another twenty-eight years, then I’ll be fifty-six before I can have a baby. And that’s just stupid.
Chandler : That’s what’s stupid.
Monica : I don’t need an actual man. Just a couple of his best swimmers. And there are places that you can go to get that...stuff.
Rachel : Down to the docks again?
Chandler : Night-night, [pause] Janice. (in head) Look at all that room on her side. You could fit a giant penguin over there. That’d be weird, though. Okay. Hug-and-roll time. [he hugs Janice and rolls her over to her side of the bed] I’m huggin’, I’m huggin’, you’re rollin’, and...yes! Freedom! Except for this arm. I’m stuck...stuck arm. Okay. Time for the old tablecloth trick. One fluid motion. Quick like cat. Quick like a cat. And one. Two. Three. [he yanks his arm out from under Janice, sending her flying onto the floor with a thud]
Phoebe : Great. Doing great. Real strong. Going strong. Go on.
Malcolm : These are my night vision goggles. [hands the goggles to Phoebe] This is the book I pretend to read when I’m watching her in the park. [gives her the book] And these are mad libs...they’re just for fun.
Phoebe : Oh yeah. What’s this? [holding up a notebook]
Malcolm : This is the log I kept recording her every movement. You want to hear something from it?
Phoebe : Not even a little bit.
Malcolm : It’s about you.
Phoebe : Oh. Okay then. [hands him the notebook]
Malcolm : [reading from book] I met Phoebe today. She is really nice to me, even though I am such a loser. And then when I was walking home, I thought about her a lot. It was weird, but kinda cool. [closes the notebook]
Phoebe : Good. So, what were you thinking?
Malcolm : I was thinking what it’d be like to kiss you.
Phoebe : Really?
Malcolm : No. See that’s just something I said now so that maybe I can kiss you.
Phoebe : Oh. Okay. [they kiss]
Monica : [coming out of bedroom] Okay, sperm donor number 03815, come on down. Okay, 6’2", 170 pounds, and he describes himself as a male Geena Davis.
Chandler : You mean there’s more than one of us.
Ross : You can’t do this, Mon. If you do this, I’m gonna...
Monica : You’re gonna what?
Ross : I’m gonna tell Mom.
Rachel : Honey, I’m sorry, but he’s right. I love you, but you’re crazy.
Ross : [agreeing] Crazy.
Monica : What? Why? Why is this crazy? So, this isn’t the ideal way to do something...
Ross : [interrupting] Oh, it’s not the ideal way...
Monica : Lips moving, still talking... it may not be ideal, but I’m so ready. Now I see the way Ben looks at you. It makes me ache. You know?
Joey : Check it out [dipping his crackers into the jam and displaying it like it’s a new discovery]...jam crackers.
Monica : Okay. Alright, how’s this? [reading from paper] Twenty-seven, Italian-American guy, he’s an actor. Born in Queens. Wow. Big family. Seven sisters and he’s the only boy...[they all look over at Joey, who is totally engRossed with his jam] oh my god, under personal comments, "New York Knicks rule."
Joey : [looking up] Yeah, the Knicks rule!
Monica : Joey, this is you.
Joey : [walking over and looking at paper] Let me see. [reads the paper] Alright.
Rachel : When did you go to a sperm bank?
Joey : Right after that I did that sex study down at NYU. [to Chandler] Hey, remember that sweater I gave you for your birthday?
Chandler : And that’s how you bought it?
Joey : No. That’s what I was wearing when I donated. I’m kinda surprised there’s any of my boys left.
Monica : Well, honey, it is pretty competitive. I mean, I’ve got an actual rocket scientist here.
Joey : Maybe I should call this place and get ’em to put my "Days Of Our Lives" gig on here. You know, juice this puppy up a little.
[Phoebe comes in. Everybody does the ’hey’ thing.]
Ross : How’s the maniac?
Phoebe : Oh. He’s yummy. We did a little kissin’.
Rachel : Phoebe, what are you doing?
Phoebe : Oh. No, no, no. You know what, he’s not into that stuff anymore. He quit, for me.
Rachel : Pheebs, this guy has been obsessed with your sister for god knows how long. Okay, you don’t just give up something like that.
Phoebe : Look, he gave me his night vision goggles and everything.
Ross : You’re taking the word of a guy who has night vision goggles?
Phoebe : Wha? He’s not still following her. You think he’s still following her?
Chandler : Pheebs, wake up and smell the restraining order.
Phoebe : What are you saying I should do?
Monica : I think that if you really like this guy, you should just trust him.
Phoebe : Thank you, Monica.
Joey : Or, you could follow him and see where he goes.
Monica : Oh, that’s what I would do. Forget mine.
Janice : Oh god, crazy Chandler, he spun me off the bed.
Rachel : Wow, spinning, that sounds like fun.
Janice : Oh. [annoying laugh] I wish. No, he was just trying Ross’ hug-and-roll thing.
Rachel : [questioningly] Ross’ what?
Janice : You know, where he hugs you and then he kinda rolls you away. [realizing she has said something she probably shouldn’t have] And...oh...my...god.
Phoebe : Yes? Yes! Oh.
Malcolm : What are you doing?
Phoebe : I was just looking for my...my [searching for anything] part of an old sandwich. Here it is! [pulls sandwich out of garbage can]
Malcolm : Were you following me?
Phoebe : Um, perhaps...yes, yes...I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I was just afraid that you were still hung up on my sister.
Malcolm : So you spied on me. I can’t believe you don’t trust me.
[Just then, Ursula walks by not noticing Phoebe or Malcolm.]
Phoebe : Oh, well, what do you know? There goes my identical twin sister. Just walking along, looking like me. What, is this just, like a freakish coincidence or did you know that she takes this train?
Malcolm : I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I tried to stop, but I couldn’t. I’m so pathetic.
Phoebe : No. No. It’s not your fault, you know. It’s partly my fault. Cause I made you quit cold turkey. Okay, well, I can’t date you anymore, cause you’re, you know , wow [makes a wild gesture with her hands], but I will definitely definitely help you get over my sister. Okay? Stalk me for awhile. Huh? And I’ll be like an Ursula patch.
Malcolm : I don’t know.
Phoebe : Look, I’m going...come on. Ooh, ooh, behind the pillar. Which way am I gonna go? Ahh...
Monica : To the bank.
Joey : Sperm or regular?
Monica : Sperm.
Joey : So, you’re really doin’ it, huh?
Monica : Oh yeah, picked a guy. 37135.
Joey : Sounds nice.
Monica : I’d say so. Brown hair, green eyes.
Joey : No kidding? Hmmph...
Monica : What?
Joey : I figured you woulda picked a blond guy.
Monica : Really? Why?
Joey : I don’t know. I always pictured you ending up with one of those tall, smart, blond guys named like, Hoyt.
Monica : Hoyt?
Joey : It’s a name. [smiles] Yeah. I saw you in this great house with a big pool.
Monica : Is he a swimmer?
Joey : [grinning] He’s got the body for it.
Monica : [smiling] I like that.
[Joey visualizes something in his head and starts laughing and pointing at Monica.]
Monica : What?
Joey : You guys have one of those signs that says "we don’t swim in your toilet, so don’t pee in our pool."
Monica : We do not have one of those signs.
Joey : Sure you do. It was a gift from me. Oh...oh! And you have these three great kids.
Monica : Two girls and a boy. [she sits at the table]
Joey : Yeah. [he sits down at table too]
Monica : And they wear those little water wings, you know, and they’re running around on the deck and then, Hoyt wraps this big towel around all three of them.
Joey : Sure. [noticing that Monica has stopped smiling, and looks very sad] But hey, you know, this way sounds good too.
Monica : [looking very sad and depressed] Yeah.
[Joey gets up and stands behind Monica and puts his arm around her. They stay there in silence for a moment. He looks down at the paper on the table.]
Joey : Wow, this guy’s an astronaut. That woulda been cool. [seeing Monica and remembering her feelings] For like a day.
[He puts his arm around her again quickly and they stay that way silently.]
Rachel : Honey, you’ve got a little thing on your... [pointing to cheek]
Joey : [he wipes off a tiny spot, missing almost all of it] Get it?
Rachel : Yeah.
Ross : [walking in] Hello. [looks at Joey with jam all over his face]
Rachel : [giving Ross the cold shoulder] Hello.
Ross : Hey, uh, Chan, can I talk to you for a second?
Chandler : Sure. What’s up?
Ross : Just one additional relationship thought. Something you’re probably already familiar with. Women talk. [hits Chandler with magazine]