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|Script Saison 3 Episode 11|
Titre US : The One Where Chandler Can't Remember Which Sister
Titre FR : Celui qui ne s’y retrouvait plus
Écrit par Alexa Junge
Réalisé par Terry Hughes
Transcrit par Eric Aasen
Traduit par Isabelle Juhasz
Ross : Real magic does exist.
Rachel : Wow! Amazing!
Monica : Wow, Joey how do you do it?
Joey : I can’t tell you that, no.
(from the upstairs apartment, muted: regular, clomping sounds)
Ross : Uh, somebody’s at the door on the ceiling.
Rachel : Ha ha, that’s our unbelievably loud upstairs neighbor.
Monica : He took up the carpets and now you can hear everything.
Phoebe : Well, why don’t you go up there and ask him to just, like "step lightly, please"?
Monica : I have, like five times, but they guy is so charming that I go up there to yell and then I end up apologizing to him.
Phoebe : Ewww, that is ...(angrily) silly. I’ll go up there, I’ll tell him to keep it down.
Monica : Alright. Be my guest.
Rachel : Good luck.
Joey : Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright! If you really want to know how I did it, I’ll show you. When you handed me back the card, what you didn’t see was, I looked at it so fast it was invisible to the naked eye! (looks at the top card) I just did it. (looks again) I just did it again. Here, I’ll slow it down so you guys can see it. Ready? (does a slo-mo sequence of taking the card, looking at it, and making a face of recognition, places it back on the deck)
All : Ohhh! Yeah! Okay.
(from the upstairs apartment, muted: knocking and a door opening, followed by - in the muffled style of Charlie Brown’s teacher - Phoebe’s ranting, then a man’s voice sounding complimentary, followed by Phoebe saying something that sounds like "oh, thank you")
Rachel : Honey, what’s the matter?
Chandler : I just saw Janice.
All : Awww.
Chandler : Yeah, she was at Rockefeller Center, skating with her husband. She looked so happy. (sniffs) I almost feel bad for whipping that kid’s pretzel at them.
Joey : Man, I remember the first time I saw that girl Catherine after we broke up? She was just walking with her friend Donna, just laughin’ and talkin’. God. Killed me.
Chandler : Yes, but you ended up having sex with both of them that afternoon.
Joey : Sorry, I just, any excuse to tell that story, y’know...
Ross : Hey Chandler, eh, there’s a party tomorrow, you’ll feel better then.
Chandler : Oh, you know what, I’m gonna, I’m gonna be okay, you don’t have to throw a party for me.
Monica : It’s Joey’s birthday.
Chandler : Oh, well, then if anybody should have a party it should be him.
(from the upstairs apartment, muted: Phoebe laughing and chatting)
Monica : Shhhh! Sh! I cannot believe she is still up there!
(from the upstairs apartment, muted: the neighbor tells a joke, and Phoebe laughs)
Chandler : Okay, well, he totally screwed up the punchline. Y’know, it’s supposed to be (says some nonsense, Charlie Brown teacher style).
Rachel : (hops to the coffee maker) Yeah, right away, Mr. Kaplan.
Mr. Kaplan, Jr : I’m not supposed to drink coffee ... it makes me gassy.
Rachel : I know.
Mr. Kaplan, Jr : I’ll bet you’re thinking "what’s an intelligent girl who wants to be in fashion doing making coffee"? Eh?
Rachel : Oh.
Mr. Kaplan, Jr : Ehh?
Rachel : Haha! You got me!
Mr. Kaplan, Jr : Ha ha ha. Now don’t think I haven’t noticed your potential. Well, I’ve got a project for you that’s alot more related to fashion. How does that sound?
Rachel : (excited) Oh, that sounds great!
Mr. Kaplan, Jr : Hey c’mon over here sweetheart ...
Rachel : Thank you so much, Mr. Kaplan.
Mr. Kaplan, Jr : C’mon, c’mon ...
Rachel : Thank you so much.
Mr. Kaplan, Jr : (leads her to a closet marked "STORAGE" and opens it up to reveal a closet full of tangled hangers) I need these hangers separated, A-S-A-P. (takes coffee from her hands) You’re welcome.
Monica : I know honey, I’m sorry.
Rachel : Oh, I want to quit. But then I think I should stick it out ... but then, I think why would such a person stay in such a demeaning job, just because it’s remotely related to the field they’re interested in.
Monica : (in her outrageous uniform, turns and says, sarcastically) Gee, I don’t know Rach. Order up! I got a Yentl soup, a James beans, and a Howdy, hold the Dooty.
Rachel : Oh, honey, c’mon I’m sorry, I didn’t ... I don’t mind paying my dues, y’know, it’s just how much am I gonna learn about fashion by walking Myra, the arthritic seamstress, to the bathroom? (MARK laughs, to MARK) Hi! Is my misery amusing to you?
Mark : I’m sorry, I, I, was just uh ... (laughs again)
Rachel : It’s not funny. This is actually my job.
Mark : No, believe me, I, I, I’ve been there. I had to sort mannequin heads at, at Mannequins Plus.
Rachel : Oh, well then. So I’m, um just gonna go back to talking to my friend here. You can go back to enjoying your little hamburger.
Mark : Uh, just, uh one other thing.
Rachel : (clears throat, somewhat impatiently) Yes?
Mark : I uh, I work at Bloomingdale’s and I might know of a job possibility, if you’re, if you’re interested.
Rachel : Do you want my pickle?
Monica : Hey Gunther!
Phoebe : Hi.
Monica : I mean you’re going out on a date with the noisy guy upstairs?
Phoebe : Well, he’s very charming.
Monica : I know, he’s too charming, but if you two start going out then it’s just gonna make it so much harder for me to hate him!
Phoebe : Well, you’re just going to have to try.
Monica : Alright. Joey? Where are the Jell-O shots?
Joey : I dunno, Chandler’s supposed to be passing ’em ar... (Chandler is attempting to feed a Jell-O shot to the porcelain dog) Chandler!
Chandler : (way gone) Hello-dllo!
Ross : Oh, somebody’s feeling better.
Monica : (clears her throat) Stick out your tongue!
Chandler : (with the same inflection and tone) Take off your shirt! (he eventually sticks out his tongue, dark green with Jell-O shot remnants)
Monica : Oh my!
Joey : Oh my god! How many of these did you have? These are pure vodka!
Chandler : Yeah! Jell-O just like mom used to make.
Rachel : (enters, runs up and grabs Ross) The most unbelievable thing happened to me today.
Ross : Hi.
Rachel : Hi. (Ross kisses her on the cheek, Rachel can barely contain herself) So, I’m having lunch at Monica’s, and this guy starts talking to me, and it turns out he works for a buyer at Bloomingdale’s, and there happens to be an opening in his department, so I gave him my phone number, and he’s gonna call me this weekend to see if he can get me an interview!
Ross : Wow!
Rachel : I know!
Ross : Ha ha! What, so, this guy is helping you for no apparent reason?
Rachel : Uh-huh.
Ross : And he’s a, he’s a total stranger?
Rachel : Yeah! His name is, um, Mark ... something.
Ross : Huh, sounds like "Mark something" wants to have some sex.
Rachel : (shocked) What?
Ross : Oh, I’m, I’m just saying, I mean, why else would he, just, y’know, swoop in out of nowhere for no reason?
Rachel : (as if it’s obvious) To be nice?
Ross : (to Joey) Hey, Joey, uh, are men ever nice to strange women for no reason?
Joey : No, only for sex.
Ross : Thank you. (to Rachel) So did you, uh, did you tell Mark something about me?
Rachel : I didn’t have to, because I was wearing my "I-heart-Ross" sandwich board and ringing my bell.
Ross : Ahh ...
(Seven women come in, each dressed in black, bearing gifts, and yelling "Joey, Happy Birthday" in Italian or something I can’t make out)
Joey : Hey! He-he-hey! (he cRosses and hugs them all)
Chandler : (to Monica) Okay, how many of that girl are *you* seeing?
Monica : How hammered are you, huh? These - these are Joey’s sisters.
Chandler : Hi, Joey’s sisters!
Rachel : (cRossing to greet the sisters) Hey!
Cookie : Hey, what are we drinking over here?
Phoebe : Oh, well, I have a um, vodka and cranberry juice.
Cookie : No kidding? That’s the exact same drink I made myself right after I shot my husband.
Phoebe : Wow! ’kay, I don’t know how to talk to you.
(Three sisters are gathered around Chandler, who is doing something with the phone)
Sister #1 : Whatcha doin?
Chandler : (slurring) I’m taking my ex-girlfriend off my speed dialer.
The three sisters : Awww!
Chandler : No nono no, no it’s a good thing! (fixating on the prominently displayed breasts of one of the three sisters) Why must we dial so speedily anyway? Why must we rush through life? Why can’t we savor the precious moments, those are some huge breasts you have.
Ross : (meeting Monica at the drink table) Hi!
Monica : Hi!
Ross : Yeah, heh heh. So, um, I, I heard about this uh, Mark guy that uh, Rachel met today.
Monica : Oh, yeah. Isn’t that great?
Ross : Ohh, yeah. So, uh, yeah, pretty, pretty good, he sounds like a nice, good guy ...
Monica : Oh, he is, and he is *so dreamy*. I mean, you know what? When he left I actually used the phrase "humminah humminah humminah". (she leaves)
Ross : (on the verge of tears) That’s excellent.
Rachel : Well, I assume I’ll have to take showers with him, but y’know that’s true with any job.
Chandler : (entering, head down) Uhhhh, ohhhh.
Rachel : Uh oh.
Monica : How you feelin’?
Chandler : Well, my apartment isn’t there any more because I drank it.
Phoebe : Where’d you get to? We lost you after you opened up all the presents.
Ross : Yeah.
Chandler : Yeah, I ended up in the storage room ... and ... not ... alone.
All : Woo-hoo!
Chandler : (putting hand to temple) Ahhh, no woo-hooing, no woo-hooing.
Phoebe : Why, what happened?
Chandler : Ahhhh, I fooled around with Joey’s sister. (Phoebe gasps) Well, that’s not the worst part.
Monica : *What* is the worst part?
Chandler : I can’t remember which sister.
Ross : (to Rachel) You see what men do? Don’t tell me men are nice. (pointing to Chandler) *This* is men!
Chandler : Okay, you don’t think I thought of that?
Phoebe : How can you not know which one? I mean, it’s unbelievable.
Monica : I mean, was it Gina?
Ross : Which one is Gina?
Rachel : The dark, big hair with the airplane earrings.
Monica : No, no, no that’s not Gina, that’s Dina.
Ross : Dina!
Rachel : Oh.
Chandler : You see? You can’t tell which is which either (defiantly) Shnnaahh!
Phoebe : Yeah, but we didn’t fool around with any of them - y’hhaahh, wlblaahh! (loosely imitating Chandler)
Chandler : Veronica, look, it’s gotta be Veronica, the girl in the red skirt - I definitely stuck my tongue down her throat!
Monica : That was me.
Chandler : (to Monica) Oh, look when I’ve been drinking sometimes I tend to get a little overly friendly, and I’m, I’m sorry.
(in rapid succession:)
Monica : That’s okay.
Phoebe : That’s okay.
Rachel : That’s alright.
Ross : That’s okay.
Joey : (enters angrily, points at Chandler from near the door) Can I talk to you for a second?
Ross : Hey Joey!
Rachel : Hey! (Ross, Rachel, Phoebe and Monica clear out of the main room, leaving only Chandler)
Joey : C’mon!
Chandler : Why can’t we talk in here ... with witnesses?
Joey : I just got off the phone with my sister.
Ross : Uh, which, which one?
Joey : Mary Angela.
Ross : Mary Angela.
Joey : Yeah.
Monica : Now, which one is she again?
Joey : Why don’t you ask Chandler? ’Cause he’s the one who fooled around with her. She told me you said you could really fall for her? Now was that true, or are you just getting over Janice by (through gritted teeth) gropin’ my sister?
Chandler : (after pondering the two choices) It’s gotta be the first one.
Joey : Really? That’s great! You ’n’ my sister, sittin’ in a tree ...
Chandler : Yup, I’m in a tree!
Monica : No honey, I’m sorry. But the weekend’s not over yet.
Rachel : Ohhh.
(from the upstairs apartment, muted: Phoebe, laughing)
Rachel : Oh my god, is that Phoebe?
Monica : Guess they’re back from their date.
Rachel : Oh! (from the upstairs apartment, muted: music) Muuu-sic! Very nice. (as the neighbor and Phoebe continue to speak, the sounds and tone of the conversation turn decidedly X-rated)
Monica : Oh my god.
(the sounds continue to intensify)
Rachel : So, how are you?
Monica : I am good. I finished my book.
Rachel : Oh, yeah? What’s it about?
Monica : (hurriedly) I don’t remember. Do you wanna take a walk?
Rachel : Yeah, I do.
Chandler : Well, that’s the part where you tell him that I moved to France ... (in a near whisper) when actually I’ll be in Cuba.
Ross : Alright, look, look, you’ve got to do this yourself, okay? In person. At least you know her name. You just go to the house and you ask for Mary Angela, okay? When whichever one she is comes to the door, you take her for a walk, you let her down easy.
Chandler : Okay. (suddenly manic) What if Mary Angela comes to the door and I ask for Mary Angela?
Ross : Where in Cuba?
Joey : Waiting for my grandma to finish my laundry. What about you?
Chandler : I’m, uh, I’m here to see Mary Angela.
Joey : You are *so* the man! (Chandler comes in) Now, look: (hushing to a near whisper) listen, listen, you gotta be cool, cuz my grandma doesn’t know about you two yet, and you do not want to tick her off. She was like the sixth person to spit on Mussolini’s hanging body. Yeah.
Chandler : (looking around nervously) Where’s Mary Angela?
Joey : She’s right in there! (they turn the corner together into a dining room where all seven sisters are dressed in red, all of them and Joey’s GRANDMA are near a table of food - the sisters all greet Chandler with equal enthusiasm, much to his dismay)
Ross : (almost smiling) Bummer.
Rachel : Yeah right, look at you. You’re practically giddy.
Ross : No, I’m genuinely sorry the Mark thing didn’t work out. Look, (he cRosses to behind the part of the couch where Rachel is sitting) Rach, I want only good things for you. (he starts to smooch Rachel)
Monica : Wait a minute. Why don’t you just call Mark? (Ross looks up, Rachel looks at Monica) I mean, who says you have to sit here and wait for him? You’ve got to (slapping her hands together for emphasis) make stuff happen! (Rachel starts to get up)
Ross : (pushes Rachel back down) Yeah, but, y- you don’t want to seem too pushy.
Monica : Honey, it’s not pushy, it’s, he gave her his home number. (Rachel fishes out MARK’s card)
Ross : Huh, wh-, he gave you his home number, as in, like, (snatches the card from Rachel’s hand) to, to his home? (Rachel snatches it back)
Rachel : (gets up to call MARK) Yeah, and you don’t mind if I call, because you only want good things for me.
Ross : That’s right, "good things", that, that is what I said (glares at Monica).
Rachel : (on the phone, clears her throat) Hello, Mark? Hi, it’s Rachel Greene. W- ... oh, no, don’t you apologize. I ... yeah, I’ll hold. (to Monica) He left my number at work, he was gonna get it, but he was helping his niece with her report on the pioneers.
Monica : Awww ...
Ross : That is *so* made up.
Rachel : (on phone) Yah, oh my god, tomorrow? That, no, it’s perfect, oh god, thank you so much. Great. Bye! (hangs up, to Ross and Monica) Oh! I got the interview!
Monica : Ohh yay!
Ross : There you go!
Rachel : He even offered to meet me for lunch and prep me for it.
Monica : Oh, that is amazing.
Ross : Yah, well, if I know Mark, and I think I do, I’d expect nothing less.
Rachel : I gotta figure out what I’m gonna wear.
Ross : High collar and baggy pants say "I’m a pro"!
Rachel : Yeah, right. Okay, I’ll see you guys later. Woo-hoo! (leaves the room, excited)
Ross : (calling after her) Okay, you go get ’em. (as soon as the door shuts, to Monica) What did I do to you? Did I hurt you in some way?
Monica : What?
Ross : (mocking) "Why don’t you call him" Well, thank you very much, y’know, now he’s gonna prep her, y’know "prep her"? As in what you do before you surgically remove the boyfriend? (pointing at himself)
Monica : Are you crazy?
Ross : Oh, am I? Am I? Am I out of my mind? Am I loooosing my senses? This dreamy guy is taking my girlfriend out for a meal.
Monica : Ross, y’know, this isn’t even about you. I mean, this is about Rachel and something wonderful happening for her. (Ross moans) I mean, y’know, even if you’re right, what if he wants to sleep with her. Does that mean he gets to?
Ross : No, but ...
Monica : I mean, don’t you trust her?
Ross : Well, yeah, but ...
Monica : Then get over yourself - grow up!
Ross : (pouting like a hurt little kid) You grow up.
Grandma : No, I did!
Chandler : Oh, it, it, it’s yummy. So, uh, Mary Angela, do you like it? (looks up for a reaction)
Grandma : Of course, it’s her favorite.
Chandler : So, um, hmmm - Mary Angela, what’s your second favorite?
Grandma : More of Grandma’s Tara Missou!
Chandler : (to GRANDMA) Oh, would you *just* *please* (pauses when he realizes all eyes are on him) gimme the recipe, cuz this is great! It’s top notch!
Grandma : That dies with me.
Chandler : (to himself) So will I.
Mary Therese : (getting up from the table) Excuse yourself and go to the bathroom.
Chandler : Oh, no no no, I was just squinting, that doesn’t mean anything.
Mary Therese : (in his ear) Just do it.
Chandler : Will you excuse me, I have to ummm. (he sees that nobody is paying attention, and just leaves)
Mary Therese : Finally! I thought we’d never be alone. Can I just tell you something? I have not stopped thinking about you since the party.
Chandler : (as she kisses him) Mmm-mmm - look I may have jumped the gun here (she goes to kiss again, he escapes under her arm) hmmm, uhhh ... (clears throat) I just got out of a relationship and I’m not really in a, in a committment kind of place.
Mary Therese : So? Me neither. God, Mary Angela was right - you do have the softest lips.
Chandler : Haaahhhh ... you’re not Mary Angela?
Mary Therese : No, I’m Mary Therese!
Chandler : This is so bad! If, if you’re not Mary Angela, then uh, then who is?
Mary Angela : (in the doorway) I am.
Chandler : Oh, it’s so bad!
Mary Angela : Joey! (runs out)
Chandler : No Joey, no Joey, no Joey! (Joey enters) Joey ...
Joey : What’s going on?
Chandler : (tags Joey) You’re it! Now run, and hide!
Mary Therese : It’s no big deal. Chandler was just kissing me ’cause he thought I was Mary Angela.
Joey : What?? How could you do that, how could you think she was Mary Angela?
Chandler : C-- I wasn’t sure which one Mary Angela was. (the sisters all gasp) Look, I’m sorry, okay, I was really drunk and you guys all look really similar.
Sister #2 : I say, punch him, Joey!
Other sisters : Yeah! Kick him! Yeah!
Chandler : You know what, we should all calm down, because, y’know, your brother’s not gonna punch me. (scared) Are ya?
Joey : Well, that is usually what I would do, but I just never thought you’d be on the receivin’ end of it. How could you do this?
Chandler : Joey, if you want to punch me, go ’head, I deserve it. But I just want you to know that I would never soberly hurt you or your family. You’re my best friend ... and I would never do anything like this ever again.
Cookie : So what. I say, punch him!
Other sisters : Yeah, yeah!
Joey : No, no I’m not gonna punch Chandler.
Cookie : I’ll do it.
Joey : No you won’t. Hey. Look he knows he did a terrible thing, and I-I believe him, he’s sorry. But you got one more apology to make, alright? You gotta apologize to Mary Angela.
Chandler : Okay, absolutely, you got it. (Chandler looks around and realizes he still can’t figure out which one is MARY ANGELA. He looks to Joey with a pleading look, but finds no sympathy)
Joey : Cookie, now you could punch him.
Chandler : Wha? (Chandler spins around only to get a face full of fist, care of COOKIE)
Ross : Hi!
Rachel : What are you doing here?
Ross : Uh, you know, this, uh, building’s on my paper route, so uh, ha ... (gives her a flower)
Rachel : Oh ...
Ross : Hi!
Rachel : Hi!
Ross : How’d it go?
Rachel : Oh, well, the woman I interviewed with was pretty tough, but y’know, thank god Mark coached me, because once I started talking about the fall lines, she got all happy and wouldn’t shut up!
Ross : I’m so proud of you.
Rachel : Me too!
Ross : Listen - I’m uh ... I’m sorry I’ve been so crazy and jealous ... and it’s just I like you alot, so ...
Rachel : I know ...
Ross : Yeah?
Rachel : Yeah.
Mark : (emerging from the elevator) Rachel!
Rachel : Yeah (turns to face MARK).
Mark : Hi!
Rachel : (lights up) Hi, Mark!
Mark : Hi! Um, I just talked to Joanna and she loves you! You got it. You got the job!
Rachel : Hah! I did? Oh ... (turns to face Ross, who awaits with open arms)
Mark : Yes!
Rachel : Oh my god!
Ross : Congratu ... (she turns back to MARK and hugs him, leaving Ross in shock) ... lations, lations ...
Rachel : Wow!
Phoebe : Mm-hmm?
Monica : How was your date?
Phoebe : Oh, well, you know ... (giggles)
Monica : Yeah, I *do* know.
Phoebe : Ewww, you were eavesdropping?
Rachel : "Eavesdropping"? Pheebs, the ceiling tiles were falling down.
Phoebe : Oh, I’m sorry. But, I *really* like this guy, and I think he really happens to like me.
All : Awww.
(from the upstairs apartment, muted: the sound of the neighbor moaning, along with a rhythmic squeaky spring sound)
Ross : Maybe he’s just jumping on a pogo stick and he really likes it.
(a woman’s voice joins the moaning)
Ross : Maybe the pogo stick likes it, too.
Joey : Alright, that’s it. He cannot do this to Phoebe. (gets up) This guy’s gonna get the butt-kickin’ of a lifetime. But, (to Rachel) is he a big guy?
Ross : Uh, we’ll all go (getting up, to Chandler) C’mon.
Phoebe : Thanks you guys, thank you!
Chandler : Don’t worry. (they leave)
Phoebe : God, hope they kick his ass!
Rachel : Honey, I’m sorry.
Monica : Y’know, if it’s any consolation, he really did sound like he was having more fun with you.
(from the upstairs apartment, muted: a knock at the door, footsteps, the neighbor saying something, Joey, Chandler and Ross saying something agitated, the neighbor saying something apparently in defense, starting with "C’mon guys", then Joey, Chandler and Ross saying something as if suddenly understanding the situation or making small talk ... downstairs Phoebe, Rachel and Monica exchange glances of desperation)