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|Script Saison 3 Episode 10|
Titre US : The One Where Rachel Quits
Titre FR : Celui qui fait dťmissionner Rachel
Écrit par Michael Curtis et Gregory S. Malins
Réalisé par Terry Hughes
Transcrit par Eric Aasen
Traduit par Laura Cynober
Rachel : What?
Chandler : Well, as old as he is in dog years, do you think Snoopy should still be allowed to fly this thing?
Gunther : Rachel?
Rachel : Yeah?
Gunther : You remember when you first came here how you spent two weeks getting trained by another waitress?
Rachel : Oh, sure - do you need me to train somebody new?
Gunther : Hah ha, good one. Actually, uh, Terry wants you to take the training again ...whenever.
Rachel : (in disbelief) Huh! Do you believe that.
Chandler : Huh (nods as if to say "no", then, after reconsidering) ... yeah.
Ross : Admit it Chandler, you have no backhand!
Chandler : Excuse me, little one, I have a very solid backhand.
Ross : Shielding your face and shrieking like a girl ... is not a backhand.
Chandler : I was shrieking .. like a Marine.
Ross : Alright (stops Chandler in his tracks on the stairway) here, watch me execute the three "P"s of championship play. Power hah (swings at Chandler with his racket from one side), precision shoo (swings at Chandler with his racket from the other side), and pinache (delivers a backhand to SARAH who walks into the stairwell at the wrong time, she screams, Ross and Chandler react in horror)
Ross : I know, I feel horrible, okay?
Chandler : Says here that a muppet got whacked on Sesame Street last night. Where exactly were you around ten-ish?
Ross : Iím gonna go see her. I wanna bring her something. Whaddya think sheíd like?
Monica : Maybe a "Hello Kitty" doll? The ability to walk? (all but Ross giggle at this)
Rachel : (noticing Rossís glare, clears throat) Iím gonna get back to retraining.
Ross : Alright. See ya guys.
Chandler : (towards the door) Look out kids, heís coming!
Joey : And I gotta go sell some Christmas trees!
Phoebe : Have fun! (starts to sip coffee) Oh, wait, no donít! I forgot, I am totally against that now.
Joey : (pulling on his coat) What, me having a job?
Phoebe : No, no, I am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime, and their, their corpses grotesquely dressed in, like, tinsel and twinkly lights. Hey, how do you sleep at night?
Joey : Well, Iím pretty tired from lugging the trees around. (kneals near the couch) Hey, Phoebe, listen, you got this all wrong. Those trees were born to be Christmas trees. Theyíre fulfilling their life purpose by, by making people happy!
Phoebe : Really? (looks to Chandler, who is prodded visually by Joey to back him up)
Chandler : Yes. Yes, and uh, uh the trees are happy, too, because for most of them itís their only chance to see New York.
Gunther : (behind the bar, instructing Rachel) ... and after youíve delivered the drinks, you take the empty tray ...
Rachel : Gunther, Gunther, please, I have worked here for two and a half years, I know the empty trays go over there.(points to an area near the end of the bar)
Gunther : What if you put them here? (puts a tray down near the coffee machines)
Rachel : Huh. Well yíknow, thatís actually a really good idea because that way theyíll be closer to the mugs. You know what? You should have the other waitresses do that too!
Gunther : They already do. Thatís why they call it "the tray spot".
Rachel : Jeez, I always heard íem talk about that, I sorta just thought it was like a club they went to, oh god, Iím sorry.
Gunther : Itís alright (she walks away) ... sweetheart.
Sarah : Well, I kinda wanted to sell the cookies. The girl who sells the most wins a trip to space camp ... and gets to sit in a real space shuttle.
Ross : (playing with a stuffed space shuttle) Wow, you, uh, you really like all this space stuff, huh?
Sarah : Yeah. My dad says if I spent as much time helping him clean apartments as I do daydreaming about outer space, heíd be able to afford a trip to the Taj Mahal.
Ross : I think youíd have to clean a whole lot of apartments to go all the way to India.
Sarah : No. The one in Atlantic City. Dad loves the slots. He says heís gonna double the college money my Grandma left me.
Ross : Huh. Well, good luck to Dad. Say, how many more boxes would you have to sell in order to win?
Sarah : The girl who won last year sold 475.
Ross : Yeah?
Sarah : So far, Iíve sold ... 75.
Ross : 400, huh? Well, that sounds do-able. (gets out and opens his wallet) How much are the boxes?
Sarah : Five dollars a box.
Ross : (shuts his wallet) And what is second prize?
Sarah : A ten-speed bike, but Iíd rather have something my dad couldnít sell.
Ross : Well, that makes sense.
Sarah : Would you do me one favor? If itís not too much trouble ...
Ross : Yeah, Sarah, anything.
Sarah : Could you pull the curtains open for me? The astronauts from the Space Shuttle are gonna be on the news. Since we donít have a TV, the lady acRoss the alley said sheís push hers up through a window so I could watch it.
Old Woman : Yes?
Ross : Yeah, hi, Iím selling Brownbird cookies.
Old Woman : Youíre no Brownbird. I can see you through my peephole.
Ross : Um, no, hi, Iím, Iím an honorary Brownbird (blows the bird whistle and gives the salute with the flutter)
Old Woman : What does that mean?
Ross : Uh, well, it means that I can sell cookies but Iím not invited to sleep-overs. (laughs and mugs for the peephole)
Old Woman : I can dial 911 at the press of a button, yíknow. Now go íway.
Ross : Please, please, um, itís for a poor little girl who wants to go to space camp more than anything in the world. (mugs again)
Old Woman : Iím pressing ...
Ross : No ...
Old Woman : A policeman is on his way ...
Ross : Okay, okay, Iím going, Iím going. (picks up box and moves acRoss the hall, and as heís about to knock ...)
Old Woman : I can still see you!
Ross : (turns toward peephole, angrily) Alright! (leaves the area)
Joey : Hey! What are you doing here?
Phoebe : Well, I, I thought alot about what you said and um, I realized, alright, maybe I was a little judgemental. (notices the tightly bound tree) Yeah. Oh, but, eww.
Joey : Oh, now Phoebe, remember, hey, their just fulfilling their Christmas ...
Phoebe : Destiny.
Joey : Sure.
Phoebe : Yes.
Joey : Yeah.
Phoebe : Okay. (somebody walks by with a sickly, brown tree) Yikes - that one doesnít look very fulfilled.
Joey : Oh, thatís uh thatís one of the old ones. Heís just taking it to the back.
Phoebe : You keep the old ones in the back? That is so age-ist.
Joey : Well, we have to make room for the fresh ones.
Phoebe : So, what happens to the old guys?
Joey : Well, they go into the chipper.
Phoebe : Why do I have the feeling thatís not as happy as it sounds. (Joey motions behind Phoebe where the brown tree is being thrown into the chipper, dramatic choral music in a minor key swells up as the tree is shown being eaten) No NOOOO! (Phoebe watches in horror as the chips fly out the other side) Oh! (Phoebe buries her face in Joeyís shoulder
Joey : Hey hey heyy! (Joey motions to the operator to stop chipping, as he comforts Phoebe)
Joey : Alright, Iíll take a box of the creme-filled Jesuses.
Ross : Wait a minute, one box? Címon, Iím trying to send a poor little girl to space camp. Iím putting you down for five boxes. Chandler, what about you?
Chandler : Uhh, alright, do you have any, um coconut-flavored deities?
Ross : No, but, uh thereís coconut in the uh, Hannukah Menoreos. Tell you what, Iíll put you down for eight boxes: one for each night. (Chandler mouths "okay" and makes a disgusted face) Mon?
Monica : Alright, Iíll take one box of the Mint Treasures ... one ... and thatís it. (to Chandler) I started gaining weight after I joined the Brownbirds. (to Ross) Remember - Dad bought every one of my boxes and I ate them all?
Ross : Uh, no, Mon - uh, Dad *had* to buy every one of your boxes *because* you ate them all. But, uh, yíknow Iím sure thatís not gonna happen this time. Why donít I just put you down for three of the Mint Treasures and just a couple of the Rudolphs?
Monica : No.
Ross : Oh, címon now you know you want íem.
Monica : Donít, donít ... donít do this ...
Ross : (walks over to her, with a devlish look) Iíll tell you what, Mon. Iíll give you the first box for free.
Monica : (she reaches out, almost touches the box Ross is offering, then draws back suddenly) Oh god, I gotta go! (she bolts out the door)
Ross : (chases after Monica, with a smile) Címon, all the cool kids are eating íem!
Gunther : (as he is walking through the tables, training Rachel) And when you have a second later, I want to show you why we donít just trap spiders under coffee mugs and leave them there.
Rachel : (cRosses to join Chandler on the couch) Iím training to be better at a job that I hate! My life officially sucks.
Joey : But Rach, wasnít this supposed to be a temporary thing? I thought you wanted to do fashion stuff.
Rachel : Well, yeah! Iím still pursuing that.
Chandler : How, exactly are you pursuing that ... yíknow other than sending out resumes like, uh, what two years ago?
Rachel : Well, Iím also ... sending out ... good thoughts.
Joey : If you ask me, as long as you got this job, you got nothing pushing you to get another one. You need the fear.
Rachel : The fear?
Chandler : Heís right. If you quit this job, you then have motivation to go after a job you really want.
Rachel : Well then how come youíre still at a job that you hate? I mean, why donít you quit and get "the fear"?
Chandler : (laughs with Joey, then becomes suddenly serious) Because Iím *too* afraid.
Rachel : I donít know, I mean, I would give anything to work for a designer, yíknow ... or a buyer. Uchh - I just donít want to be 30 and still work here.
Chandler : Yeah, thatíd be much worse than being 28 and ... still working here.
Gunther : (from the bar) Rachel?
Rachel : Yeah?
Gunther : Remind me to review with you which pot is decaf and which is regular.
Rachel : Canít I just look at the handles on them?
Gunther : You would think.
Rachel : (cRosses to the bar) OK, fine - Gunther, yíknow what? I am a terrible waitress. Do you know why Iím a terrible waitress? Because I donít care. I donít care. I donít care which pot is regular and which pot is decaf. I donít care where the "tray spot" is. I just donít care. This is not what I wanna do! (pauses) So I donít think I should do it anymore. (pauses) Iím gonna give you my weeksí notice.
Gunther : What?
Rachel : Gunther, I quit.
Chandler : (to Joey) Does this mean weíre gonna have to start paying for coffee?
Chandler : I spelled out "boobies".
Monica : (enters from the bathroom) Ross, put me down for another box of the Mint Treasures, okay? (searches the case of cookies) Wh, where are the Mint Treasures?
Ross : Uh, weíre out. I sold them all.
Monica : What?
Ross : Monica, Iím cutting you off.
Monica : (frantic) No, no, j- just a couple more boxes. Look, itís no big deal, alright? Iím - Iím cool. You gotta help me out with a couple more boxes!
Ross : Mon, look at yourself, you have cookie on your neck.
Monica : Oh my god! (runs to bathroom)
Chandler : So, how many you sold so far?
Ross : Eh? Check this out: (after punching calculator keys) 517 boxes!
Chandler : Oh my god, how did you do that?
Ross : (clears throat) Okay, the other night, I was, uh, leaving the museum just as "Laser Floyd" was letting out of the planetarium? Without even trying, I sold fifty boxes! Thatís when it occured to me - the key to my success: the munchies! So, I uh, I started hitting the NYU dorms around midnight? I am selling cookies by the *case*. They call me (in a "Bill and Ted" surfer-type voice) "cookie dude".
Rachel : (enters through front door) Okay, everybody, stop what youíre doing, I need envelope stuffers, I need stamp lickers ...
Ross : Well, hey, who did these resumes for you?
Chandler : Me, on my computer.
Ross : Well, you sure used a large font.
Chandler : Ah, yeah. Well, uh, "Waitress at a coffeehouse" and, uh "Cheer squad co-captain" only took up so much room.
Rachel : Ha ha, hey, thatís funny! Youíre funny Chandler! Youíre a funny guy! You know what else is really funny?
Chandler : Something else I might have said?
Rachel : I donít know, I donít know - werenít you the guy that told me to quit my job when I had absolutely nothing else to do? Ha Ha HA HA HA!?!?
Ross : Sweetie, calm down, itís gonna be okay.
Rachel : No, itís not gonna be okay, Ross. Tomorrow is my last day and I donít have a lead. Okay, yíknow what? Iím just gonna, Iím just gonna call Gunther and Iím gonna tell him Iím not quitting.
Chandler : W- y- y- you donít want to give into the fear.
Rachel : You and your stupid fear! I hate your fear. I would like to take you and your fear ...
Joey : (bursts in the door) HEY! I got great news!
Chandler : Run, Joey, run for your life! (runs out of the room)
Joey : (confused) What? (to Rachel) Rach, hey listen - have you ever heard of Fortunata Fashions?
Rachel : No.
Joey : Well, my old manís doing a plumbing job down there and he heard they have an opening! So, you want me to see if he can get you an interview?
Rachel : Oh my god, yes! Oh, I would love that. Oh, thatís so sweet, Joey!
Joey : Not a problem! And now, for the great news!
Ross : What, that wasnít the great news?
Joey : Only if you think itís better than this (pulls a spray can from behind his back) "Snow In A Can"! I got it at work. Mon, you want me to decorate the window, give it kind of a Christmas lookie?
Monica : Christmas cookie?
Customer : Looks good, Iíll take it.
Phoebe : (from the back, holding a brown, dead tree) Wait wait wait wait wait! No, no, you donít want that one. Heh heh, no, you can have this cool brown one ... (Phoebe displays the tree with elaborate arm movements, a la the "Price Is Right" women) oooo!
Customer : I- i- itís almost ... dead!
Phoebe : Okay, but thatís why you have to buy it - so that it can fulfill its Christmas destiny. Otherwise, theyíre gonna throw it into the chipper, tell íem Joey.
Joey : Yeah, the, uh, trees that donít fulfill their Christmas destiny, heh, are thrown in the chipper.
Customer : I think Iím gonna look around a little bit more.
Joey : Pheebs (chuckles) ya gotta stop doing this, Iím working on commission here!
Monica : (walks up) Hey guys!
Joey : Hey!
Monica : Iím here to pick out my Christmas tree!
Phoebe : Well, look no further, this oneís yours! (presents the brown tree again) Ahhh!
Monica : Is this the one that I threw out last year?
Phoebe : Alright, you know what? Nevermind! Everybody wants to have a green one! Sorry. Iím sorry, I didnít mean to get so emotional. I guess, itís just, the holidays are just hard.
Monica : Oh, honey. Is that cause your mom died around Christmas?
Phoebe : Ugh, I wasnít even thinking about that.
Monica : Oh. (she looks at Joey, who gives a thumbs up and a sarcastic smile)
Charla : Iím not gonna tell you. Youíre the bad man who broke Sarahís leg.
Ross : Hey now, that was an accident, okay?
Charla : Youíre a big scrud.
Ross : Whatís a scrud?
Charla : Why donít you look in the mirror, scrud.
Ross : I donít have to, I could just look at you. (he sits back, satisfied with himself)
Troop leader : Alright girls ... and man. Letís see your final tallies. Ohhh, Debbie. 321 boxes of cookies - very nice.
Ross : Not nice enough.
Troop leader : Charla - 278 - sorry dear, but still good!
Ross : Good for a scrud.
Troop leader : Ooh! Yes Elizabeth. 871!
Ross : Thatís crap! (notices everyone looking) ... Sister Brownbird - good going! (gives a lifeless Brownbird salute)
Troop leader : Whoís next? (walks to Ross, who is frantically writing on his form, she notices and clears her throat, gaining Rossís attention)
Ross : Hi there!
Troop leader : Hi. And batting for Sarah: Ross Geller. 872. Although, it looks like you bought an awful lot of cookies yourself.
Ross : (clears throat) That is because my doctor says that I have a very ... serious ... nougat ... deficiency.
Ross : Well, I lost. Some little girl loaned her uniform to her 19-year-old sister who went down to the USS Nimitz and sold over 2000 boxes. (Rachel enters from her interview at Fortunata) Hey, how did the interview go?
Rachel : Uchh, blew it. I wouldnít have even hired me.
Ross : Oh, come here, sweetie, listen, youíre gonna go on like a thousand interviews before you get a job. Thatís not how that was supposed to come out.
Phoebe : This is just the worst Christmas ever.
Chandler : You know what, Rach, maybe you should just, yíknow, stay here at the coffeehouse.
Rachel : I canít! Itís too late, Terry already hired that girl over there. Look at her. (motions to waitress at bar) Sheís even got waitress experience. Ugh. Last night, she was ... teaching everybody how to make ... napkins ... into ... (Rachel says something unintelligible in a high pitched whine).
Ross : (to Chandler and Phoebe) That word was "swans".
Joey and Monica : (jumping out from behind the seat) Merry Christmas!
Phoebe : OOooh! You saved them! You guys! Oh god, youíre the best!
Chandler : Itís like "Night of the Living Dead Christmas Trees".
(the phone rings, Rachel answers)
Rachel : (on phone) Hello? Yeah, this is she ... oh! Youíre kidding, youíre kidding! Oh, thank you, I love you!
Chandler : Sure, everybody loves a kidder.
Rachel : I got the job!
All : Hey! Aww great! Alright!
Phoebe : Oh, God bless us everyone!
Chandler : (quietly, to Ross) Should I tell her I ordered tea?
Ross and Joey : No. No.
Rachel : Umm, excuse me, everyone, uh, this is my last night working here, and, uh, I just wanted to say that I made some really good friends here, and uh, itís just time to move on. (Gunther runs to the back room, crying) Uh, and no offense to everybody who uh, still works here, but you have no idea how good it feels to say that as of this moment, I will never have to make coffee again.
Sarah : (to Ross) Really, Mr. Geller, you donít have to do this ...
Ross : Oh, címon, here we go (lifts her into the chair and takes her crutches) stand by for mission countdown!
Joey : (with a mock echo effect) 10, 9, 8, (Chandler hits Joey on the forehead impatiently) ow. Okay blast off! (they start shaking and spinning the chair, Chandler, Joey and Ross make take off noises, Ross makes beeping sounds as he spins a soccer ball on his hand)
Chandler : (holding a figurine of some kind) Iím an alien, Iím an alien!
Ross : Oh, no! An asteroid! (bounces an "asteroid" off Joeyís head, as we see SARAH smiling and laughing)