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|Script Saison 3 Episode 12|
Titre US : The One With All The Jealousy
Titre FR : Celui qui ťtait trŤs jaloux
Écrit par Doty Abrams
Réalisé par Robby Benson
Transcrit par Eric Aasen
Traduit par Laura Cynober
Chandler : Oh yeah, but, uh, donít worry. I donít think anybodyís gonna focus on that as long as youíre wearing that towel dress.
Rachel : (to Ross, while she glares at Chandler) Tell him. (Rachel storms back into her bedroom)
Ross : (to Chandler) Itís her first day at this new job. Your not supposed to start with her!
Chandler : (to Ross) All right, I suppose I can wait a day. Hey, what are you doing Friday?
Ross : Why?
Chandler : I need you to come to this bachelor party for my weird cousin Albert, yíknow heís the, uh, the botanist.
Ross : Oh God. Yíknow, botanists are such geeks.
Chandler : Yeah. (motions to Rossís tie) That a dinosaur tie?
Ross : Hmm? (excited) Oh, yeah. (makes dinosaur sounds while playing with the tie)
Phoebe : (entering, with a dozen purses hanging around from her shoulders) Morning!
Chandler : (to Phoebe) Hey!
Phoebe : Rach, Iím here with the purses!
Chandler : Must take you forever to find your keys.
Rachel : (running back into the living room) Thank you, thank you, thank you, Pheebs.
Phoebe : Your welcome, oh please want the one with the turtles. (Phoebe shows off a green purse with turtles on it)
Rachel : No, no, no, no, no, no, turtles scare me. I donít need that today.
Ross : Honey, just relax, itís gonna be fine. Hey, umm,. why donít I come down there and Iíll take you out to lunch?
Rachel : Oh honey, thank you, but Markís taking me out.
Ross : Mark is that the, the same Mark that helped you get the job?
Rachel : Yeah, itís kinda like a "good luck on your first day" sort of thing. (to Phoebe) Is this actually a lunchbox?
Phoebe : Umm, no, itís a purse. And thereís a thermos in it.
Rachel : Oh.
Chandler : (to Ross) Hey, so can you make it on Friday?
Ross : What? Oh yeah, yeah - think so. Why am I invited to this again?
Chandler : Uh, apparently Albert has no friends. Heís very excited about the bachelor party though. I think actually the only reason heís getting married is so he can see a stripper.
Phoebe : A stripper at a bachelor party, that is so clichť. Why donít you guys get (excited) a magician?!
Chandler : Well, if the magician can open my beer with his but cheeks, then alright.
Chandler : Donít do anything. Keep it inside. Learn how to hide your feelings! (pause) Donít cry out loud.
Joey : (hanging up the phone) Yes! (exults like a jock) Guess who has an audition for a Broadway musical?
Chandler : I want to say "you" but it seems like such an easy answer.
Joey : It *is* me! Itís a musical version of "A Tale of Two Cities". So, I think Iím gonna sing "New York, New York", and ah, oh "I Left My Heart In San Francisco".
Ross : Ah Joey, I donít think you get to pick the cities.
Joey : What?
Ross : Mr. Dickens gets to pick íem.
Joey : Who?
Chandler : Iíll get you the Cliff Notes. (goes to get his overcoat)
Joey : The what?
Chandler : The abridgment. (starts to leave)
Joey : (knowingly) Oh, okay. (suddenly confused, to Ross) The what?
Rachel : Yeah. What kind of discount do we get?
Mark : Twenty percent.
Rachel : Oh!! I love this job! (her phone rings) Woo-hoo! My first call.
Mark : Here, let me. (answers phone) Rachel Greenís line, how may I help you?
Ross : (on phone, calling from his desk at work) Hi, is Rachel there?
Mark : And who may I say is calling?
Ross : This is Ross?
Mark : Ross of ...
Ross : Of "Ross and Rachel".
Mark : Oh hi, hi. Itís, itís Mark.
Ross : Oh hey, hey Mark.
Mark : Hey, hold on a second.
Ross : (as his mood turns darker) Okay.
Rachel : Hi honey!
Ross : Hi! What ah, whatís Mark doing answeriní your phone?
Rachel : Oh, heís just goofing around.
Ross : Ohhhhh yeah, thatís, thatís funny. Why ah, why isnít he goofing around in his own office?
Rachel : What? Honey, this is his office too. I told you weíre Joannaís two assistants.
Ross : Why does Joanna need two assistants, uh, how, how lazy is she?
Rachel : (looking at her computer) Oh! Oh my God! What did I just do?
Ross : What?
Rachel : I think I just shipped 3,000 bras to personnel. Honey, I gotta go. (to MARK) Mark, I need you!
Ross : Okay, bye-bye. (slams the phone down 9 times angrily)
Rachel : (over the phone) Ow! Ross!!
Ross : Oh, oh, Iím, Iím, Iím sorry sweetie, I was just trying to ah, Iím just dialing another number. (hangs up)
Monica : Please, Iím not "going for" anything.
Jeannine : Well, if you donít, I will.
Monica : Would you please go?
Jeannine : Night Mon. (clears throat) Night Julio.
Julio : (to Jeannine as she exits) Adios.
(Monica starts cleaning the barstools, as Julio follows along behind her replacing the napkin holders. Monica notices a book on the bar)
Monica : Look Julio, someone left their book here.
Julio : Ah actually, uh, that is mine.
Monica : Oh yeah?
Julio : Yes.
Monica : What are you reading?
Julio : "Flowers of Evil", by Beaudliere. Have you read it?
Monica : (mocking as if it were the best book she had ever read) Hm-hmm, "have I read it". (pause) No, are you enjoying it?
Julio : I thought that I would, but the translationís no good.
Monica : Youíre a poet and donít know it. (she turns away and makes a face, surprised at her own corny remark)
Julio : Actually I ah, I am a poet.
Monica : Oh, so you do know it. (their eyes meet, she clears her throat and nervously walks away) So, um, what kind of things do you write about?
Julio : Things that move me. The, the shadow of a tree, a ... a child laughing, or this lip. (points to her lip)
Monica : Mine? (she points to her lower lip) Right here?
Julio : I can write an epic poem about this lip. (grabs her lower lip)
Monica : (while he holds her lower lip) How would that go? (he pulls her close and they kiss) Well, it didnít rhyme, but I liked it.
Director : Lovely, just lovely.
Joey : Really? Thanks.
Director : Listen Joey, we definitely want to see you for the callback on Saturday.
Joey : Excellent, Iíll be there.
Director : Okay, and listen donít forget to bring your jazz shoes for the dance audition.
Joey : Ahhh! My ah, my agent said that it *wasnít* a dancing part.
Director : Joey, all the roles gotta dance a little. But, believe me, with your dance background, itíll be a piece of cake.
Joey : Hey, everybody lies on their resume, okay? I wasnít one of the "Zoom Kids" either.
Phoebe : Well, can you, like, dance at all?
Joey : Yeah, I can dance, yíknow ... (starts to do the Cabbage Patch, reversing his direction after a moment, looking very much like a man lacking in soul)
Chandler : Oh no, no, no, no.
Phoebe : (covering her mouth) What, what is that?
Joey : Sure, it looks stupid now, thereís no music playing.
Chandler : All right, I have to get that, but no-no. (answering phone) Hello? (listens, then moves away from Joey and Phoebe, speaking happily) Hi! Yeah, um, listen, Iím, Iím in need of a stripper and I was told that you do that. (listens, and laughs like a kid) Let me ask you this, what, what do you do for the extra hundred? (listens) So would I, would I have to provide the grapes?
Monica : (entering) Hi!
Phoebe : Ooo! How was last night with Julio, senorita?
Monica : It was soo amazing, he is so sexy, and smart, which makes him even sexier. Ohmigosh, I gotta tell you this. Last night, we were fooling around and he stops ... to write a poem.
Joey : Get out! I couldnít stop if a meteor hit me.
Chandler : Okay, we have our stripper. A Ms. Crystal Chandelier.
Joey : Well sure, you name a kid that, what do you expect them to grow up to be?
Monica : Anyway um, when he left, he forgot to take the poem with him. Now, I am like totally dense about poetry, but I think this is pretty good alright? Check it out. (hands them the poem)
Joey : (reading) The Empty Vase. Translucent beauty...
Chandler : To yourself. (finishing) Hey-hey-hey, yíknow what? Thatís pretty good.
Monica : Oh good, I think so too. Pheebs?
Phoebe : Oh yeah.
Chandler : Oh, great, Iím so glad you guys like it. Yay! Alright, I gotta go to work. (tries to take the poem)
Joey : Whoa, Iím not done.
Monica : All right, well, just give it back when your through. See you guys.
Chandler : Bye-bye.
Phoebe : Oh my God, oh my God! Poor Monica!
Chandler : What, what, what?!
Phoebe : What?! He was with her when he wrote this poem. Look, (reading) "My vessel so lovely with nothing inside. Now that Iíve touched you, you seem emptier still." He thinks Monica is empty, she is the empty vase!
Chandler : You really think thatís what he meant?
Monica : Oh, totally. Oh, God, oh, she seemed so happy too.
Joey : (proudly) Done!
Rachel : Oh, yeah, sure, itís uh, right ... (she picks up a stuffed bug and it plays the theme from "Love Story", she punches it and it stops)
Mark : Wh-whatís that?
Ross : Uh, itís uh, itís from Ross, itís a love bug.
Mark : Wow! Somebody wants people to know you have a boyfriend.
Rachel : Oh no, no-no, no-no-no, thatís not, not, not, what he is doing. Heís just, heís just really romantic.
Man : (dressed in a red and white striped jacket, to Rachel) Ah, excuse me, are you Rachel Green?
Rachel : Yes.
Man : (joined by the rest of a barbershop quartet, he blows a harMonica to get a pitch) One, two, three...
Quartet : (singing) Congratulations on your first week at your brand new job! It wonít be long before youíre the boss.
Bass singer : (solo) Oom-pah, oom-pah, oom-pah.
Quartet : (singing) And you know who will be there to support you? Your one and only boyfriend ...
Bass singer : (solo) Itís nice to have a boyfriend.
Quartet : Your loyal, loving boyfriend Ross ... (like a cheer) Ross!
Rachel : All right Ross!! I get it!!
Ross : I mean my God...
Rachel : Youíre hurt!
Ross : ...canít, canít a guy send a barbershop quartet to his girlfriendís office anymor-re?!?
Rachel : Oh, please, Ross it was so obvious! It was like you were marking your territory. I mean you might as well have just come in and peed all around my desk!
Ross : I would never do that!
Rachel : Look, I know whatís going on here, okay? Mark explained it all to me. He said this is what you guys do.
Ross : Yeah well if, if, if Mark said that, than Markís an idiot.
Ross : Why?! How?! How is he a genius?
Chandler : Look, donít you see whatís happening here? Instead of hitting on her right away, heís becoming her confidant. Now heís gonna be the guy she goes to to complain about you.
Ross : What am I going to do?
Chandler : Well, why donít you send her a musical bug? Oh, no you already did that. All right look, youíre going to have to go there yourself now, okay, make a few surprise visits.
Ross : I donít know, you guys ...
Chandler : All right, fine, donít do anything, just sit here and talk to us. Meanwhile she is talking to him about you. And heís being Mr. Joe Sensitive, and she starts thinking "Maybe this is the guy for me, because he understands me".
Joey : And before you know it, sheís with him. And youíll be all, "Ohh, man"! And heíll be all, "Yes"! And us, weíll be like, "Wh-whoa, dude". And pretty soon youíll be like, (in his best depressed Ross tone) "Hi", and, and, and, "I canít go, Rachel and Mark might be there". And weíll be like, "Man, get over it, itís been four years"!
Chandler : He paints quite a picture doesnít he?
Mark : (turning around) And wait, Iíve got something for you. (kisses her)
Nancy : (surprised) Mark!!
Mark : Itís okay, Rachel knows.
Nancy : Yeah, but even so!
(Ross appears in the hallway just outside of Rachelís office, all he can do is hear the ensuing dialogue)
Mark : I canít help it, Iím just, Iím just crazy about you.
Rachel : (regarding MARK and NANCY, over her shoulder) Ohhh! That is soo sweet! (gets up to get herself a cup of coffee, she actually is seen traversing the hallway that Ross is eavesdropping from, although the two do not see each other)
Mark : Okay, okay look, I know Iím like Mr. Inappropriate today, but itís just so tough, I mean I see you walking around and I just wanna touch you and hold you. Come on, no oneís around, just, just kiss me.
(They start to kiss, and Ross rushes into the office to break it up, except he is unaware that the girl MARK is kissing is not Rachel)
Ross : Alright thatís, thatís it! Get off her!
Mark : What is going on?
Ross : Whatís going on?! (throws the musical bug at him) Iíll tell you whatís going on!!
Rachel : (who has re-entered from the hallway and is now standing behind Ross) Ross!
(Ross finally looks at NANCY, with his back toward Rachel)
Ross : I have been down in your store for twenty minutes trying to get a tie! What do I have to do to get some service?! (slowly turns to Rachel) Hi Rach. (He starts to put his hand on her shoulder, but she knocks it away)
Joey : So, does that mean the audition is off?
Director : Listen Joey, seeing as youíve got the most experience, I want you to take these dancers and teach íem the combination.
Joey : What?!
Director : Aw Joey, come on, itís easy. (demonstrating slowly at first) Yíknow, itís hand, hand, head, head, (suddenly the moves become very quick and complex, Joey watches stunned) up, out a beret, out a beret, big turn here, grand dechant, sesont, sesont, slide back, step, step, step, and jazz hands!
Joey : Itís ah, steppity step and jazz hands.
Director : Have fun.
Joey : Bye! (does the jazz hands)
Monica : Hey.
Phoebe : What are you wrapping?
Monica : Oh-ho, look what I got Julio.
Phoebe : Yeah, itís a vase.
Monica : Yeah, just like the one in the poem.
Phoebe : Yeah, well, huh, not *exactly* like the one in the poem.
Monica : What do you mean?
Phoebe : Remember how you said that you were really dense about poetry?
Monica : Yeah?
Phoebe : Oh. (hugs Monica in pity, although Monica still has no idea why)
Julio : What?
Monica : Yíknow, so I donít read as many important books as you do, and I donít write trick poems that seem to be about one thing but are actually about something else. And yíknow what? I get excited about stupid stuff. Like when my People magazine comes on Saturday, and the new "Hold Everything" catalog. Yíknow but that does not mean that Iím empty, I care about things. I care about my friends and family. You have no right to make that kind of judgment about me.
Julio : Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Monica : You donít even know me...
Julio : Whoa, whoa, whoa, the poem is not about you.
Monica : What?
Julio : The Empty Vase is not about you. My baby preciosa, you make me so sad that you would think this.
Monica : Iím sorry, itís, my friend Phoebe said ...
Julio : No, itís about all women. Well, all *American* women. You feel better now?
Monica : (sarcastically) Oh yeah.
(The piano plays and after getting the "hand, hand, head, head" part correct, the dancers in the group start doing various versions of the Cabbage Patch dance like Joey did for Phoebe and Chandler, finishing up with the jazz hands)
Director : No, no, no. What was that?
Joey : I know, itís the best I could get out of them.
Director : Well, people!
Joey : People, people, people.
Director : Letís try it again, and this time letís everybody watch Joey. (to Joey) Show íem how itís done. (to the pianist) Count it off, Lac.
(The pianist starts to play, and Joey readies himself, and then bolts from the audition)
Chandler : Oh yeah, yeah! Look what I got, look what I got. (holds up a pen) See, sheís fully dressed, right?
Rachel : Right.
Chandler : And then you click it and, uh-oh, sheís naked. And then, and then you click it again - sheís dressed. Sheís a businesswoman, sheís walking down the street, sheís window shopping, and (clicks pen) whoa-whoa-whoa, sh-sheís naked! (Rachel just stares at him)
Ross : (entering) Hi.
Rachel : Hello.
Chandler : (sensing the tension) Yíknow what, Iím, Iím gonna spend some "alone time" with the pen.
Ross : (sits down next to her) Iím sorry, I was an idiot.
Rachel : Big idiot.
Ross : A big idiot. Just you have to realize this, uh, this whole Mark thing is really hard for me.
(Gunther is eavesdropping in the background)
Rachel : Honey, why is it hard? Weíve been together for almost a year now?
Ross : Well, I was with Carol for like eight years and I lost her. And now, if itís possible, I think I love you even more. So, itís hard for me to believe Iím not gonna ... well that ... someone else isnít gonna take you away.
Gunther : Let it be me ... let it be me!
Rachel : Honey, thatís very sweet, it just seems to me though, that if two people love each other and trust each other, like we do, thereís no reason to be jealous. (she kisses him)
Ross : I gotta get going. Bye Chandler.
Chandler : Oh, okay Ross. Listen, this penís getting kinda boring, so can you pick me up some porn?
Rachel : Where ya goiní?
Ross : Oh, Iíve got to go pick up Ben, weíve got a play date this afternoon.
Rachel : Ohh, with who?
Ross : Oh, just this woman I met, uh, last night at the party.
Rachel : There was a woman at ... (realizes) the stripper?
Ross : Yeah.
Rachel : You have a play date with a stripper?!
Chandler : Man, I gotta get a kid. (after receiving stares from Rachel and Ross, Chandler looks at the pen and starts laughing, walking away)
Ross : Ah, yeah, yeah. Umm, we started talking after she yíknow, did her thing. And it turns out sheís got a boy about Benís age, so weíre gonna take the kids to a "Gymboree" class. Why, is that okay?
Rachel : Sure, is she married?
Ross : Ahh, no.
Rachel : Oh. (starts shaking the sugar down in a packet really hard)
Ross : Are you jealous?
Rachel : Noo, I yíknow I just donít see why she has to play with you, thatís all. I mean doesnít she yíknow have any other stripper mom friends of her own?
Ross : You are totally jealous.
Rachel : Ugh, Iím not jealous, alright? This is about, umm, people feeling certain things yíknow about strippers. And yíknow, and um ...
Ross : Honey?
Rachel : I ...
Ross : I love you too.
Rachel : I, ugh.
Ross : Bye!
Rachel : Wait, wait, wait.
Ross : What?
(She runs over and gives him a very passionate kiss)
Ross : (in a definite daze) Huh. (he walks out stunned)
Rachel : (to Chandler, who walks up and pats her on the back) Well, thereís a kiss he wonít forget for a few hours, yíknow?
Chandler : Yeah. Either that, or you just turned him on and sent him off to a stripper.
Julio : (to him) I am Julio.
(The rest of the QUARTET enters, and joins him)
Man : (singing) Mister Pretentious, (Monica stands up in the background) you think thereís no one finer, well your poems are unpublished, and you work in a diner.
Quartet : Your no Godís gift to women, thatís all in your head. You are just a buttmunch ...
Bass singer : (solo) No one likes a buttmunch ...
Quartet : ... and your also bad in bedd-edd-edd!. (Monica waves at JULIO)