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|Script Saison 3 Episode 4|
Titre US : The One With the Metaphorical Tunnel
Titre FR : Celui qui ne supportait pas les poupťes
Écrit par Alexa Junge
Réalisé par Steve Zuckerman
Transcrit par Eric Aasen
Traduit par Laura Cynober
Phoebe : Oh my god! Itís on again.
Joey : You guys, could we please not watch this? [they all íshhí Joey]
Host (on television): Folks, this ever happen to you? You go to the refrigerator to get a nice glass of milk, but these darn cartons are so flinginí-flanginí hard to open.
Joey (on television): You said it, Mike. [tries to open milk carton and spills milk everywhere] Thereís got to be a better way.
Mike : And there is, Kevin.
Joey : Could we please turn this off?
Rachel : No way, Kevin.
Mike (on television): Thereís a revolutionary new product that guarantees youíll never have to open up milk cartons again. Meet the Milkmaster 2000. [crowds makes íoohí and íaahí sounds]
Ross : [to Chandler] Are you intrigued?
Chandler : Youíre flinginí-flanginí right I am.
Mike (on television): This is the first time. Heís never used this product before. Youíre gonna see how easy this is to do. Go ahead. [Joey pushes the device into the carton] This works in any milk carton.
Joey (on television): Wow, this is easy. Now I can have milk every day. [the crowd makes an aaah sound]
Janice : So letís go to a bad one and make out. [hyena laugh]
Monica : Perhaps you would like me to turn like this, so you can bunny-bump against my back.
[Joey walks in. They all exchange íheysí.]
Chandler : Hey, whatís up?
Joey : [to Chandler] Maybe you can tell me. My agent would like to know why I didnít show up at the audition I didnít know I had today. The first good thing she gets me in weeks. How could you not give me the message?
Chandler : Uh, I do enjoy guilt, but uh, it wasnít me.
Phoebe : [very quickly] Yes it was. It was him. Uh-huh. [pause] Okay. It was me.
Joey : How was it you?
Phoebe : Well, it was just, it was all so crazy. You know? Chandler was in the closet, counting to ten, and he was up to seven and I hadnít found a place to hide yet. I meant to tell you, and I wrote it all down on my hand, see? [shows Joey her hand which has writing on it] All of it.
Joey : [looking at Phoebeís hand] Yep. Thatís my audition.
Monica : See. Now this is why I keep notepads everywhere.
Phoebe : Yep. And thatís why we donít invite you to play.
Janice : What is the great tragedy here? You go get yourself another appointment.
Joey : Well, Estelle tried. You know? The casting director told her I missed my chance.
Phoebe : Well, that is unfair. Iíll call her. Iíll tell her it was totally my fault.
Joey : Pheebs, you canít do that. The casting director doesnít talk to friends. She only talks to agents.
Phoebe : What a sad little life she must lead. Okay. I know. [picks up Central Perkís phone and dials]
Joey : What are you doing? What are you doing?
Phoebe : Oh, I know. Oh. [in high-pitched voice] Hi. This is Caitlin, from Phoebe Buffayís office. Ummm, is Anne there for Phoebe? Sheíll know what itís about.
Joey : Hang up. Hang up right now.
[Joey tries to grab the phone, but Phoebe holds his good hand away and he canít get at the phone.]
Phoebe : [in her regular voice] Annie? Hi. Listen, weíve got a problem with Joey Tribbiani. Apparently, he missed his audition. Who did you speak to in my office? [pause] Estelle? No. I donít know what Iím gonna do with her. No. Alright, youíre husband leaves you and burns down the apartment. The world does not stop.
Chandler : Is anybody else scared?
Phoebe : [still talking on phone] Right, well, if Joey loses this audition, then that is it for Estelle. I donít care. [pause] Annie, you are a doll. What time can you see him? [whispering to others] I need a pen.
[She takes the pen, pushes Chandlerís head down, and starts writing on the back of his neck.]
Chandler : Get the woman a pad. Get the woman a pad. A pad! A pad!
Monica : Oh, now you want a pad.
Carol : He picked it out of a toy store himself. He loves it.
Susan : He carries it everywhere. Itís like a security blanket. But with ski boots and a kicky beret.
Ross : Yeah. Itís, itís , itís cute, why, why, why does he have it again?
Susan : So, heís got a doll, so what? [pause] Unless youíre afraid heís going to grow up to be...in show business?
Carol : This wouldnít have anything to do with the fact that heís being raised by two women, would it?
Ross : You know what, itís fine. If youíre okay with the Barbie thing, so am I.
[Later, still in the apartment. Joey is in the chair. Rachel is at the kitchen table.]
Ross : Give Daddy the Barbie. Give me the Barbie. [Ben refuses to give up the doll] Okay. Donít you wanna play with a monster truck? [showing Ben the truck and making engine noises] No. Okay, how about a dino-soldier? [making squawking noises] Eeerrrr! Eeeerrr! Eeeerrr?
Rachel : Ross, you are so pathetic. Why canít your son just play with his doll?
[Rachel sticks the Milkmaster 2000 in the carton of milk and pours some. Joey gives her the thumbs up. Monica comes in from her bedroom with the right side of her chest much larger than the left.]
Ross : I gotta go to work. Has anybody seen my left boob?
Joey : I love that movie.
Monica : There it is. Joey, what are you doing?
[Monica sees the breast filler Joey is using as a pillow and pulls it out from underneath him.]
Joey : Iím sorry. It just felt nice.
[Just then, Chandler comes in with a ringing, cordless phone.]
Chandler : Joe! Joe! Answer the phone.
Joey : Hey, I only got one good arm. You know, you should be doing stuff for me. Go get me a sweater.
Chandler : Just do it. Okay. Itís Janice and if I get it, Iím gonna have to see her tonight. [the phone stops ringing] Oh, thatís great, Iím gonna have to see her tonight.
Rachel : Whatís the big deal? Why donít you want to see Janice?
Chandler : Okay. Last night at dinner, when the meals came, she put half her chicken piccata on my plate. And then she took all my tomatoes.
Ross : And thatís bad...because you hate chicken piccata?
Chandler : No.
Ross : You didnít want to share your tomatoes? Tomatoes are very important to you.
Chandler : No. No. Itís like, all of a sudden, we were this couple. Okay. And this alarm starting going off in my head, "run for your life, get out of the building!"
Rachel : Men are unbelievable.
Monica : What is it with you people? I mean, the minute you start to feel something you have to run away?
Chandler : I know that... [noticing the size of Monicaís chest] Thatís why I donít want to go tonight. Iím afraid Iím going to say something stupid.
Monica : Oh, you mean like that guy thing where you act all mean and distant until you get us to break up with you. [Rachel nods in agreement]
Joey : Hey, you know about that?
Chandler : Look, what do I do? I want to get past this. I donít want to be afraid of the commitment thing. I wanna go through the tunnel to the other side.
Ross : [explaining to Joey] Where thereís no fear of commitment.
Chandler : Do we... [accidentally brushing Monicaís fake breasts] Do we have any thoughts here?
Joey : Well, Iíve never been through the tunnel myself cause as I understand it, youíre not allowed to go through with more than one girl in the car. [to Ross] Right? [Ross nods] But it seems to me, itís pretty much like anything else. You know? Face your fear. If you have a fear of heights, you go to the top of the building. If youíre afraid of bugs, [pause] get a bug. In this case, you have a fear of commitment, so I say, you go in there, and you be the most committed guy there ever was.
Rachel : Amazingly, that makes sense.
Chandler : You think?
Joey : Yeah. Go for it, man. Jump off the high dive. Stare down the barrel of the gun. Pee into the wind.
Chandler : Hey, Joe, I assure you, if Iím staring down the barrel of a gun, Iím gonna pretty much be peeing every which way.
Rachel : Sure, Pheebs, you know, thatís what itís there for. Emergencies and pretend agents.
Joey : Come on, baby, come on.
Phoebe : [in high-pitched voice] Hi. I have Phoebe Buffay returning a page. [pause] Okay. Well, sheís in her car, Iíll have to patch you through.
Rachel : Very nice touch.
Phoebe : [still high-pitched] Okay, go ahead. [regular] Hi, Annie? [pause] Fantastic. [whispers to Joey] You got it. [pause] Oh, okay, will he work for scale, you ask? Well, I donít know about that... [Joey clears his throat and nods] except that I do and he will. [pause] Great. Oh, you are such a sweetheart. [pause] I would love to have lunch with you. How about we have lunch next... [Phoebe hangs up the phone] Oops, went through a tunnel.
Rachel : Unbelievable.
Joey : Thank you so much.
Phoebe : It was really fun. Iíve never talked on a car phone before.
Joey : It was so amazing. Could you do me this huge favor? See, thereís this one other audition that I really really want and Estelle couldnít get me in.
Phoebe : I donít know. It was fun one time, but...
Joey : Come on, please, it would just be this one more, well, actually itís two.
Phoebe : Two?
Joey : Well, really, itís three. Please, youíre so good at it. I love you.
Phoebe : Okay, Iíll do it. But just these three, right?
Joey : No. Itís four.
Chandler : Cause I wanted to, um, give you this. [Chandler hands Janice a gift-wrapped box]
Janice : OOOhhh! Are you a puppy! [she opens it] Contact paper. You never know what to say when someone youíre sleeping with gives you contact paper?
Chandler : Wait. Thereís more. See, the contact paper is to go in...your brand new drawer. [Chandler pulls the drawer up and shows her] See, the drawer actually goes in my dresser.
Janice : Oh! You didnít have to do this...
Chandler : Yes I did. Yes I did. Because youíre my girlfriend and thatís what girlfriend should get. [they kiss]
Janice : Oh, well, I gotta buy a vowel because...oh my god! [she kisses him] Who wouldíve thought that someday Chandler Bing would buy me a drawer?
Chandler : Well, not me. But thatís whatís happened. And uh, thereís more...we should take a trip.
Janice : We should?
Chandler : Yep. Weíre a couple...and thatís, uh, what couples do. And I want to meet your parents. We should take a trip...with your parents!
Janice : [cackling laugh] I donít think we need to because youíre tripping me out right now! Are you okay?
Chandler : I am. I actually am. I mean, this is amazing. My entire life, I have feared this place. And now, that Iím here, itís like, what was the big deal? I mean, I could probably say "letís move in together" and Iíd be okay.
Janice : You probably want us to move in together?
Chandler : It doesnít scare me!
Janice : Well, it scares me. I mean, Iím not even divorced yet, Chandler. You know, you just invited me over here for pasta. And all of a sudden, youíre like, talking about moving in together. And I wasnít even that hungry. You know what, itís getting really late and I should just...
Chandler : No! Donít go! Iíve scared you! Iíve said too much! Iím hopeless and awkward and desperate for love! [as Janice runs out the door, Chandler picks up the phone and dials a number] [calmly] Hey, Janice, itís me. Yeah, I just wanted to apologize in advance for having chased you down the street. [he takes off out the door]
Chandler : So, I finally catch up to her and she says this relationshipís going too fast and we have to slow down.
[Rachel and Monica both groan.]
Monica : That is never good.
Chandler : Then I got all...needy and clingy.
Rachel : Waitaminute. Waitaminute. Maybe itís not so bad. How did you leave it?
Chandler : She said sheíd call me. [Rachel and Monica both groan again] Oh god.
Monica : Welcome to our side of the tunnel.
Chandler : This ice cream tastes like crap, by the way.
Rachel : Yeah, well, thatís that low-cal, non-dairy, soy-milk junk. We save the real stuff for the truly terminal cases.
Monica : Yeah, when you start getting screwed over all the time, you gotta switch to low-fat.
Rachel : Yeah, you do.
Chandler : So you donít think Iím terminal?
Monica : Oh not at all. Youíre not terminal. We just need some damage control.
Chandler : Okay. Okay. So, should I call her?
Rachel & Monica: No!
Rachel : Very critical time right now. If you feel yourself reaching for that phone, you go shoe shopping. You get your butt in a bubble bath. If you want her back, you have got to start acting aloof.
Monica : She has to know that youíre not needy.
Rachel : Right. So what you have to do is, you have to accidentally run into her on purpose and then, act aloof.
Chandler : So, Iím not gonna lose her?
Rachel : [going over to him and patting his head] Oh, honey, youíre not a total loser.
Chandler : I said "so Iím not gonna lose her."
Rachel : Oh.
[Rachel comes out of her bedroom carrying a laundry basket.]
Rachel : G.I.Joe? You really think heís gonna fall for that.
[Joey barges in and sees the G.I.Joe doll.]
Joey : [excitedly] G.I.Joe? Cool. Can I play?
Ross : Look, Ben, itís a toy that protects U.S. oil interests overseas.
Joey & Ross : GO JOE!
[Phoebe walks in.]
Phoebe : Hello.
Joey : Phoebe? There you are.
Phoebe : No, itís not. Sorry. [she turns and leaves quickly]
Joey : Phoebe, wait! Phoebe! [he chases her out into the hall]
Phoebe : Oh, Joey! Oh, okay, see, I didnít recognize you in those...pants.
Joey : Listen, that TV movie I went in for. Did you hear anything? I think I got a shot at it.
Phoebe : Yes, they called. You didnít get it! Okay, I mean, you didnít get it. Iím sorry. Iím sorry.
Joey : [sadly] Itís okay. These things happen.
Phoebe : But they shouldnít happen. You know what? Youíre in a terrible, terrible business. Oh god, I donít want to be the person who makes your face look like that.
Joey : Iím okay. See? [tries to make a happier face]
Phoebe : Now youíre sad and creepy. Ooh. You know what? Iím sorry. I quit. Okay?
Joey : No. No. You canít quit! Youíre the best agent I ever had. Look, Pheebs, rejection is part of being an actor. You canít take it personal.
Phoebe : Not personal? Really? Well, they said theyíd never met an Italian actor with a worse Italian accent.
Joey : They actually said that?
Phoebe : Yeah. Oh, god, thereís that face again. See? I canít do this job, I canít.
Joey : No. No. This is why you have to do this job. Agents always lie. You know? Estelle just says stuff like "they went another way." But this, I can use this. [in a horrible Italian accent] I canna work ona you accenta.
Phoebe : Yeah. Okay. If it helps you, okay.
[Just then, Ross slowly runs out of the apartment with a bandanna around his head.]
Ross : [slowly] Youíll never get me, Joe.
[He then fakes some gunshots and plays dead, all for the benefit of young Ben.]
[She turns and walks up an aisle and sees Chandler.]
Janice : Chandler?
Chandler : [trying to sound aloof] Hello, Janice.
Janice : What are you doing here?
Chandler : [in aloof voice] Just a bit of shopping. How have you been?
Janice : Are you being British?
Chandler : [in regular voice] No. Not anymore.
Janice : Why are you shopping here? You donít live in this neighborhood. Were you here waiting for me?
Chandler : Ya-huh. Iím just picking up some things for a party? [he picks up a bag from a shelf]
Janice : Barley? What kind of a party serves barley?
Chandler : Well, Iím sorry if my friends arenít as sophisticated as yours.
Janice : Where is this party?
Chandler : Here in Chelsea.
Janice : Whose party is it?
Chandler : A woman.
Janice : What woman?
Chandler : Chelsea.
Janice : Okay, you know, one of two things is happening here. Either youíre seeing somebody behind my back, which would make you the biggest jerk on the planet, or else, youíre pretending that youíre seeing somebody which just makes you so pathetic I could start crying right here in the cereal aisle. So, which of these two guys do you want to be?
Chandler : [pointing to a guy walking by] Couldnít I be that guy?
Joey : Okay. Shoot.
Phoebe : Okay. The zoo commercial.
Joey : I didnít get it?
Phoebe : [reading from note] No. They said that you "werenít believable as a human being." Work on that. [hands him the slip of paper]
Joey : [reluctantly] Okay. What else?
Phoebe : [reading from note] The off-Broadway play people said that you were pretty, but dumb.
Joey : [happily] Oh.
Phoebe : Oh no, wait, Iím sorry, thatís "pretty dumb."
Joey : No. Itís okay. Really. Look, I really appreciate this, Pheebs, but I think Iím gonna have to go back to Estelle. No. Donít get me wrong, youíre a better agent than she is, but at least with her, I donít wanna blow my pretty dumb brains out.
Phoebe : No. I understand.
Joey : You do? Thanks. [Phoebe puts the notes in her purse] Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Did you just make up all that stuff up to get out of being my agent?
Phoebe : Ooh, you caught me. I am so busted.
Joey : [in horrible Italian accent] Thatísa what I suspected-a.
Monica : My god, Chandler, we said "be aloof", not "be a doof."
Chandler : Iíve actually ruined this, havenít I? Itís time for the good ice cream now, right?
Rachel : Yeah it is. [she goes to get the good ice cream]
Monica : Know what? Everythingís gonna be okay.
[Just then, the phone rings.]
Chandler : [picking up phone] Hello. [pause] Hi, Janice. Can you hold on for a second? [pause] Okay. [he covers the receiver] What do I do?
Rachel : I donít know. This is totally unprecedented!
Monica : If we ever did what you did, a man would never call!
Chandler : [wagging phone impatiently] Hello!!!
Rachel : Okay, I got it. Pretend you just woke up.
Monica : Thatíll throw her off. Be sleepy.
Rachel : Yes. And grumpy.
Chandler : What do you...? Stop naming dwarfs! [talking to Janice on phone] Hello Janice. Hi. Iím so glad you called. [pause] I know Iíve been acting really weird...lately...and itís just because Iím crazy about you. And uh, I just got stupid, and scared, and stupid a couple more times, and...Iím sorry. [pause] Really? [laughs] Really?
Rachel : He is so lucky. If Janice were a guy, sheíd be sleeping with somebody else by now.
Chandler : [on phone] I love you too.
Monica : Ooh! So unfair!
[Rachel and Monica pull spoons out of the drawer and eat the ice cream.]
Ross : Hey, I donít know what to tell you guys. Thatís the doll he chose.
Susan : Whatíd you do? Dip it in sugar?
Ross : Look. G.I.Joeís in. Barbieís out. If you guys canít deal with it, thatís just your too bad.
Monica : What are you being such a weenie for? So he has a Barbie. Big deal. You used to dress up like a woman.
Ross : What?
Monica : You used to dress up in momís clothes all the time.
Ross : What are you talking about?
Monica : The big hat? The pearls? The little pink handbag?
Ross : Okay. You are totally making this up.
Monica : How can you not remember? You made us call you Bea.
Ross : Oh god.
Susan : Iíve literally never been this happy.
Monica : Wasnít there a little song?
Carol : Oh please, god, let there be a song.
Ross : There was no song! There was no song! [Ross goes into the bathroom]
Monica : [singing and chasing Ross toward the bathroom] I am Bea. I drink tea. Wonít you...[trying to think] wonít you... wonít you...
Ross : [comes out of bathroom] Wonít you dance around with me.
[They all laugh, except Ross, who backs into the bathroom.]
[He spills the tea, starts crying, and walks away. Young Monica comes up on the scene.]
Young Monica : Ross!