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|Script Saison 3 Episode 16|
Titre US : The One The Morning After
Titre FR : Celui qui a survécu au lendemain
Écrit par Marta Kauffman et David Crane
Réalisé par James Burrows
Transcrit par Eric Aasen
Traduit par Laura Cynober
Rachel : Hey.
Monica : How was the big anniversary dinner?
Rachel : Well ... we never actually got to "dinner". (goes to fetch a pitcher of juice and a glass)
Monica : (chuckling, with a knowing smile) Hoo-hoo ... nice.
Rachel : No, we kinda broke up instead.
Monica : What? (suddenly distracted from her concoction, she turns on the blender before she puts the cover on, and, as a result, a fruity mess is thrown skyward) Ahhh!
Rachel : (startled at Monica's reaction) What? (looking up) Oh my god, Monica, it's on the ceiling!
Monica : That's okay. (looking up) This is more important than fruit ... on my ceiling (as she silently expresses how disturbed she is about fruit on the ceiling). You broke up?
Rachel : Yeah, but it's okay, because when Ross left, Mark came over ...
Monica : Oh, no ...
Rachel : No ...
Monica : Rachel, you and Mark?
Rachel : No, no-no, it's okay, calm down - Mark and I *talked*, and I realized how much I love your stupid brother (as Rachel picks fruit chunks out of Monica's hair), and ... yeah, we got our problems, but I really want to make it work.
Ross : (nods vigorously at the machine, and, in a tiny voice) Yeah.
Rachel (on the machine): Ugh, I'm just so sorry I put you through it. And I, y'know, I don't wanna get back together over a machine ...
Ross : (agreeing with her by nodding no) Uh-uh.
Rachel (on the machine): So, I love you ...
Ross : (to the machine, on the verge of tears of joy) I love you.
Rachel (on the machine): And y'know what? (clears her throat) I'm gonna, I'm gonna go to bed now, but, uh, on my way to work tomorrow morning, I'm gonna stop by around 8:30 ... (to which Ross starts to say "okay", but then he recoils in fear) Bye.
Ross : (checks his wrist but finds no watch, then, grabbing a clock on the counter, he realizes it's already around 8:30, and he panics and goes to the closed door of the bathroom near his front door) Chloe, Chloe, how's it coming? (checking the peephole of the front door)
Chloe : (entering from the bathroom) Heyyy, what kind of puppy do you think I should get?
Ross : (in a panic) Umm, oh, hey, y'know, I dunno, how about a big one?
Chloe : (making a small gesture with her hands) Well, my apartment's so ...
Ross : (disinterested, cutting her off) Well, then a small one (hands CHLOE her purse) ... listen, let's ... we kinda have to get going ...
Chloe : Wait! Where's my shoes?
Ross : You g- ... your sh- ... you need shoes? (she nods vigorously, as if to say "duh") Okay ...
Chloe : Do I know why we're rushing?
Ross : (as he searches for her shoes, he starts throwing cushions off of the couch) Yeah, you know the, uh, the girlfriend I told you about last night? Well, it turns out that she, uh, she wants to get back together with me (finding the shoes under the final cushion of the couch, he is jubilant) oh, I found it!
Chloe : That's so great for you guys!
Ross : Yeah.
Chloe : You must be so happy!
Ross : Yes, yes I am, one of the many things I'm feeling. (she finishes putting on her shoes as Ross prepares to help her put on her coat) Well ...
Chloe : Good luck with your girlfriend.
Ross : Oh, thank you. (she goes to kiss him on the lips, but he stops her by holding her coat up as a shield, putting it on her face) Ohh-hey, hey. (he continues laughing, trying to get her out of the apartment, and he opens the door to find Rachel in the doorway, getting ready to knock) Raa-CHELLLL! (CHLOE, warned by Ross's overenthusiastic greeting is trapped in the apartment, behind the open door, as Rachel enters with her back to the open door, Ross and Rachel embrace)
Rachel : (enjoying the hug) Ohh, you got my message?
Ross : Yeah (checking the clock he is still holding from the counter) oh hey, you are right on time! (throws the clock down)
Rachel : So, whaddya say? Can I be your girlfriend again?
Ross : Yes, you can, very much. (in response, CHLOE sticks her right hand out from behind the door and gives a silent "thumbs up" to Ross, who sees it over Rachel's shoulder, and reacts by hugging Rachel again) Aaahhh!
Monica : Hey.
Phoebe : Hey, why are you mopping your ceiling?
Monica : Oh, there's banana on it.
Phoebe : Wow, I have the spirit of an old Indian woman living in mine.
Monica : So, then you know. (Phoebe nods agreement, and Monica returns to her mopping)
Phoebe : The mailman was downstairs, so I brought up your mail.
Monica : Oh, good, thanks.
Phoebe : (noticing the label on the box) Now, what is "Fabutech"?
Monica : (whispers) Okay. (in her normal voice) Alright, don't judge me too much, okay? Um, but I saw this infomercial, and, um, I swear to you I have never, ever bought anything on TV before ... (looks at her mop) except for this mop. But there was this stuff on leg waxing, it just, it looked so amazing ...
Phoebe : (recognizing the product) "Waxine"!
Monica : Yes, have you seen it?
Phoebe : Oh, it's incredible! (she starts to open Monica's package) I *so* wanna be a "Waxine girl"!
Monica : I know!
Phoebe : God, do you think it really doesn't hurt? 'Cause how can they do that?
Monica : (as if explaining to a dimwit) Hello? Organic substances recently discovered in the depths of the rainforest?
Phoebe : They have the best stuff in there!
Joey : Yeah, we figured, when we couldn't find you, you'd gone home to make up with Rachel ... which is probably what you shoulda done, huh?
Ross : (with an "I know that now" kind of look) Ya think!? God, I ... I'm in hell! I mean, w- what am I gonna do? Rachel's all, like, "I love you", and, and "let's work on this", and all I can think about is, w- what is she gonna do, what is she gonna say when I tell her what I did?
Chandler : Well, before we answer that, I think we should address the more important question: "How dumb are you?"
Ross : (looks to Joey for an explanation of Chandler's comment, but gets nothing, to Chandler) What? (gets up and walks toward the TV) Look, we're trying to rebuild a relationship here, right? What, w- how am I supposed to do that without being totally honest with each other?
Joey : Ross, look - I'm on board about the "total honesty" thing, I am, just ... not about stuff that's gonna get you in trouble.
Chandler : He's right. Nobody's gonna benefit and you're just gonna hurt her.
Joey : Yeah, and there won't be a relationship left to rebuild.
Ross : Yeah, but don't you think i-...
Chandler : Alright, look - if you absolutely have to tell her, at least wait until the timing's right. And that's what deathbed's are for.
Ross : Yeah, okay. (sits in the recliner)
Joey : (acting like a seasoned professional regarding the proper way to treat women) Alright. Okay. Now - we just have to make sure she doesn't find out some other way. (Joey spins the recliner that Ross was reclining on around so that Ross is facing Joey) Did you think about the trail?
Ross : What trail?
Joey : (steps on the footrest part of the recliner, snapping the back of the chair up, effectively bringing Ross to attention) The trail from the woman you did it with, to the woman you hope never finds out you did it. (slapping his hand into the other for emphasis) You always have to think about the trail!
Ross : No, I don't think there's any trail ...
Chandler : Okay, okay-okay, uh, Chloe works with that guy Isaac, Isaac's sister is Jasmine, and Jasmine works at the massage place with Phoebe, and Phoebe's friends with Rachel, and that's the trail! (enthusiastic, as if winning a game) I did it! (Ross is nervous that a trail actually exists)
Monica : (proudly) Did that.
Phoebe : 'Kay. "Grasp one of the linen strips by its Easy-Grab Tab, and pull it off in one quick, pain-free motion".
Monica : O-kay. (she pulls a strip off and screams in pain, followed by crying like a little child)
Phoebe : Is it not "pain-free"?
Monica : No, it was pain*ful*. Oh, my god, they should call it "Painzine: now with a little wax"!
Phoebe : Ah, well (chuckles) the girls in the satin nighties on the commercial don't seem to think it's that bad.
Monica : That's because there nerves are probably deadened from being so stupid. But, hey, y'know? If you don't believe me, please, be my guest.
Phoebe : (she pulls a strip off and reacts similarly) Ow ow OW OW OH MY GOD!
Monica : Now aren't you glad we didn't start with the bikini strips?
Chloe : (she reacts to his voice like someone caught redhanded) Is this about me taking your watch?
Ross : (in disbelief) You took my watch?
Chloe : I'm sorry, I do that.
Ross : Just, you keep it, listen - did you, did you tell anyone about us?
Chloe : Oh, no. I feel like it really isn't anybody's business, y'know?
Ross : (relieved) Exactly. So you didn't, you didn't mention anything to Isaac, right?
Chloe : Oh, well, I tell Isaac everything. (chuckles as she walks away)
Ross : You s-, of course you do. (laughing nervously, he catches up with ISAAC acRoss the store who is posting a flyer on the wall) Is-, I-, hey Isaac, Isaac hi! Y'know we haven't actually met ...
Isaac : (with a knowing look, seemingly impressed with Ross's actions) You dog!
Ross : (still laughing nervously) Yes, I suppose I am a dog, but Isaac, see, I- I happen to have a girlfriend ...
Isaac : Oh, right, that Rachel chick from the coffee place ...
Ross : Yeah, that's the one, listen - I don't want to hurt her.
Isaac : Oh, hey man, I know. Doesn't matter how much we love 'em, monogamy is too cruel a rule.
Ross : Yeah, listen - can you keep this information to yourself?
Isaac : Oh, no problem, dude, y'know we gotta look out for each other. We're the same, you an' me.
Ross : Actually, no we're not. (laughs)
Isaac : Yeah we are.
Ross : No, we're not ...
Isaac : Yeah we are.
Ross : (sternly) No we're not.
Isaac : (pretending to lay off in view of his stern response) Okay, we're not.
Ross : (happy to have made his point) Alright.
Isaac : (smiling) But we are.
Ross : Fine. I just need to know that you're *not* gonna tell your sister.
Isaac : I can promise not to tell her again.
Jasmine : Uh-huh?
Ross : Yeah, we met at Phoebe's birthday party, I'm- I'm Ross Geller.
Jasmine : (as if scolding a child or pet) You did a bad thing!
Ross : Yes I did.
Jasmine : Very bad!
Ross : Very bad.
Jasmine : Very, very bad.
Ross : I'm agreeing with you. Did you - listen - did you happen to tell Phoebe yet?
Jasmine : No.
Ross : Okay, Jasmine, please ... please don't. I love my girlfriend very much, and I want more than anything to just work it out with her, okay?
Jasmine : (contemplates for a moment) Alright.
Ross : Thank you. Thank you. (turns to go)
Jasmine : But you should probably talk to my roommate, because I told him and he knows Phoebe, too.
Ross : (becoming manic, through gritted teeth) Who's your roommate?!
Gunther : (in his trademark deadpan style) I'm sorry, was I not supposed to? (and he continues cleaning, and as Ross turns around, he finds Rachel sitting in a booth near the Central Perk window, looking at him coldly)
Phoebe : (to Joey and Chandler) We're alright!
Monica : It's okay!
Phoebe : We're alright.
Monica : It's okay. (as they continue tending to their battered legs) Oooo, we were just waxing our legs.
Chandler : ... OFF?
Phoebe : For your information, this happens to be a pain like no man will ever experience.
Chandler : Yeah, well, I don't think you can make that statement unless you've been kicked in an area that God only meant to be treated nicely.
Joey : (to Chandler) Yeah, I- I think women just have a lower threshhold for pain than men, that's all, I mean, (to Phoebe and Monica) c'mon, it's just ... a little wax. (chuckling)
Phoebe : Oh yeah? C'mere. (she takes Joey's forearm and slathers on some Waxine, then covers it with a linen strip)
Chandler : Oh, that's mature.
Joey : OK, fine, so now what, I just pull it off?
Phoebe : (also having fun) Uh-huh!
Monica : (enjoying herself) That's right. (Joey pulls off the linen strip and whimpers. At this moment, Ross and Rachel enter the adjoining room, yelling loudly)
[NOTE: From this point on, references to Ross and Rachel are for the main area of Monica and Rachel's apartment, while references to the remaining four friends take place in Monica's bedroom]
Ross : Would you c'mon (Rachel tries to shut the door before Ross can get in, but he holds it open) Rachel, I- c'mon talk to me, please!
Rachel : Talk to you, I can't even look at you right now!
Monica : (in disbelief as Chandler quietly closes the door adjoining the two rooms) What?
Chandler : Nothing, nothing.
Monica : Rachel said everything was okay!
Phoebe : W- What are they talking about?
Joey : Aah, w-
Ross : Rachel ...
Rachel : Just get away from me!
Ross : No, it was a mistake, I made a mistake, okay?
Rachel : A mistake? What were you *trying* to put it in, her purse?
Phoebe : We- ... where did he put it?!
Rachel : Ross, you had sex with another woman. (Phoebe gasps)
Monica : Oh my god.
Phoebe : Oh, go- I knew something had to be wrong, because my fingernails did not grow at all yesterday.
Chandler : Yeah, well, I guess they had a fight, and he got drunk ...
Monica : (gasps, gets up from beside the door and hits both Chandler and Joey on the head, angrily) You guys knew about this and you didn't tell us?
Chandler : (in disbelief, to Joey) He has sex, and we get hit on our heads.
Rachel : (furious) You know what? I want you to leave. Get outta here, just ...
Ross : NO ...
Rachel : ... get out, now! (she opens the front door for him)
Ross : ... no, I-, no I wanna stay, I wanna talk about this.
Rachel : Okay! (slams the door shut) Alright. How was she?
Chandler : Uh-oh. (as Phoebe, Chandler, Joey and Monica listen with their ears to the door)
Ross : (exhales shortly) What?
Rachel : Was she good?
Joey : (as if coaching Ross) Don't answer *that*.
Rachel : C'mon, Ross, you said you wanted to talk about it, let's talk about it! How was she?
Ross : She was ...
Joey : (as if supplying him with possible answers) ... awful ...
Chandler : She was not good ...
Joey : ... horrible ...
Chandler : ... not good, not good!
Joey : ... nothing compared to you.
Ross : She (exhales, frustrated) ... she was different.
Joey : (like someone watching a game show) Ooooo.
Chandler : Uh-oh.
Rachel : (icy) "Good" different?
Ross : Nobody likes change ... I ...
Rachel : Ugh! Just ... (she picks up a newspaper from the kitchen table and starts beating Ross with it violently)
Ross : (as he cowers away, trying to get her to stop) What? Okay, okay, okay, okay!
Phoebe : Should we do something?
Chandler : (getting up from the door and cRossing to Monica's bed) Yeah, never cheat on Rachel.
Ross : I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry! I w- I was disgusted with myself and th- this morning I was so, I was ... I was so upset, and then I got your message and I was so happy, and all I wanted was to get her out of my apartment as fast as possible ...
Rachel : Whoa-whoa-whoa, wait a minute. What time did your little friend leave? (Ross can only summon a tiny noise in response, Rachel responds in a tiny voice) Oh my god, she was there, she was still there? (as her voice grows in intensity to a yell) She was in there when I was in there?!? (Ross, realizing her anger, offers her the newspaper that he had apparently wrestled from her during the previous hitting session, and she takes it and goes to town again, climbing over the couch to chase him, yelling with each hit)
Ross : Listen, lis- oh, hey, hey, (as he breaks free and stands in front of the door behind which the others are busy eavesdropping) the important thing is she meant, she meant *nothing* to me!
Rachel : And yet she was worth jeapordizing our relationship! (she throws the paper at Ross, he ducks and the paper hits Monica's bedroom door, we see Monica, Joey, Chandler and Phoebe react from the sudden, unexpected loud sound)
Ross : Look, I didn't think there was a relationship *to* jeapordize! I thought we were broken up.
Rachel : We were on a break ...
Ross : That, for all I knew, w- could last forever - that, to me, is a break-*up*.
Rachel : You think you're gonna get out of this on a technicality?
Ross : Look, I'm not trying to "get out" of anything, okay? I thought our relationship was dead.
Rachel : Well, you sure had a hell of a time at the wake.
Joey : You know what? I don't think we should listen to this anymore. (gets up and reaches for the doorknob)
Monica : W- (stops Joey from leaving) What are you doing? You can't go out there.
Joey : Why not? I'm hungry.
Monica : Because they'll know we've been listening.
Rachel : God, and to have to hear about it from Gunther!
Ross : C'mon, like I wanted him to tell you? I ran all over the place trying to make sure *that* didn't happen.
Rachel : (in a soft voice, sarcastically) Oh, that is so sweet. I think I'm falling in love with you all over again.
Chandler : You know what? I think we can go out there, I mean, they have more important things to worry about.
Joey : Yeah, we'll be fine.
Ross : Look, Rachel, I wanted to tell you. I thought I should, I- I did, and then Chandler and Joey convinced me not to.
Chandler : (Monica and Phoebe stare at Joey and Chandler disapprovingly, Chandler hands the "Waxine" to Phoebe) Wax the door shut, we're never leaving ever.
Ross : Don't you realize none of this would ever have happened if I didn't think, at that same moment, you were having sex with Mark?
Rachel : Alright, let's say I had slept with Mark. Would you have been able to forgive me?
Ross : (summoning all his strength) Yes, I would.
Rachel : (looking at Ross incredulously) You'd be okay if you knew that Mark had kissed me, and been naked with me, and made love to me.
Ross : (with very little conviction and a cracking voice) Yes.
Rachel : You knew that our hot, sweaty, writhing bodies were ...
Ross : (covering his ears, loudly) La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la! Okay, okay, yeah, it- I woulda been devastated, but ... I would still wanna be with you ... because it's ... I mean, it's you.
Monica, Joey, Chandler and Phoebe : (moved by Ross's affectionate remark) Awww.
Rachel : (after a dramatic pause) I'm thinking ... I'm gonna order a pizza. (she gets up to use the cordless phone)
Ross : (with a hopeful expression) Order a pizza, like, "I forgive you"? (seeing her icy stare, he turns away)
Joey : Oh, man. Pizza? I like pizza. (holding his hand to his head, he chants like a hypnotist) Put olives on the pizza. (and violently directs his brain waves out toward Rachel)
Phoebe : We could eat the wax - it's organic!
Chandler : Oh, great, food with hair on it.
Phoebe : No, not the used wax.
Chandler : Because ... *that* would be crazy?
Ross : (to Rachel as she waits for someone to pick up the phone at the pizza place) Hey, could I - could I get in on that? 'Cause I'm kinda hungry myself.
Rachel : (clears her throat, and to Ross, coldly) Fine. (to the person on the phone) Hi, yes, I'd like to order a large pizza ...
Ross : (whispering) No anchovies.
Rachel : ... with, uh, extra anchovies ...
Ross : (laughing, quietly) That's okay, I'll just pick 'em off.
Rachel : ... yeah, and could you please chop some up and put it right there in the sauce?
Rachel : Well, I should think so - you slept with someone. (she takes the last piece)
(in Monica's bedroom, Monica, Joey, Chandler and Phoebe have finally resorted to eating the Waxine, Joey actually looks as if he's enjoying it)
Phoebe : They're gonna get through this, aren't they?
Chandler : Yeah. C'mon, it's Ross and Rachel, they've got to.
Monica : What if they don't?
Joey : You think I need a new walk?
Chandler : What?
Joey : Well, y'know, I've been walking the same way since high school, y'know? You know how some guys, they walk into a room, and everybody takes notice? I think I need a "take notice" walk.
Chandler : Are you actually saying these words?
Joey : Wh-hooa! (offended at first, Chandler gives him a look that says "well, he's got a point", so he relents) Yeah, okay.
Monica : (noticing the time) Hey. It's three in the morning. They don't know that I've come home yet. You notice how neither one of them are wondering where I am?
Phoebe : (pretending (?) to agree) Yeah, you know, people can be so self-involved.
Ross : You know what? You know what? I'm n- I'm not the one that wanted that - that break, okay? You're the one that bailed on us. You're the one that, that ran the moment things got just a little rough.
Rachel : That's ...
Ross : That's what?
Rachel : That is neither here nor there.
Ross : (loudly) Okay, well, here we are. Now we're in a tough spot again, Rach. What do you want to do? How do *you* wanna handle it, huh? Do you wanna fight for us, or do you wanna bail? (long pause, then softer, he draws to her side on the verge of tears) Look, I ... I did a terrible, stupid, stupid thing, okay? And I'm sorry, I wish I could take it back, but I can't. I just can't see us throwing away something we know is so dang good! Rachel, I love you so much. (he kisses her shoulder softly, then lightly kisses the base of her neck, then her cheek, then the side of her mouth, but when he tries to kiss her on the lips, she pushes him away)
Rachel : (agitated) No, Ross! (she gets up off the couch and cRosses to in front of the doorway of her own bedroom) Don't! You can't just kiss me, and think you're gonna make it all go away, okay? It doesn't work that way, it doesn't just make it better, okay?
Ross : (softly, trying to calm her down) Okay, okay, okay.
Rachel : (in a whisper) I think you should go.
Ross : (looking up, afraid, realizing what she means) What?
Rachel : (again, whispering) I really think you need to go now.
Ross : (on the brink of crying, he gets up off the couch and cRosses to her and holds her by her shoulders, realizing this may be his last chance) Okay, okay - this morning you said there was nothing so big that we couldn't work past it together ...
Rachel : (breaking his hold on her) No, what the hell did I know ...
Ross : L-, look, look, there's *got* to be a way we can work past this, okay? I can't imagine, I can't imagine my life without you, y'know? (he holds on to one of her arms as he starts to cry) Without ... without these arms (she starts to sniffle, too) ... and your face (he brushes the hair from the side of her face) and this heart, (he puts his hand on her heart) your good heart, Rach, and ... and ... (he puts his head to her heart and slowly moves down so that he ends up kneeling at her feet, holding on to her around her waist as if hanging on for dear life)
Rachel : (also in tears) No. I can't - you're a totally different person to me now. I used to think of you as somebody that would never, ever hurt me, ever. (buries her face in her hands) God, and now I just can't stop picturing you with her, I can't, it doesn't matter what you say or what you do, Ross (she pushes him away lightly) ... it's just changed everything ... forever.
(Phoebe, Monica, Chandler and Joey appear heartbroken)
Ross : (devastated, searching for words where no more come, between sobs) Yeah, but the c- ... this can't be it, I mean ...
Rachel : Then how come it is?
Phoebe : They've been quiet for a long time.
Monica : (under her breath) Yeah.
Joey : Maybe she killed him.
Chandler : Let's go (the four of them walk out of Monica's bedroom to find Rachel, sleeping on the couch, alone, as they make their way to the door, Monica waves goodbye to Phoebe, Joey and Chandler, Joey is tip-toeing in an exaggerated way, Chandler notices and remarks to Joey, quietly) Is that your new walk?
Joey : (whispering) No, I really have to pee.